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Original poster

Everything I did wrong yesterday according to DH

267 replies

Everythingisfallinagpart81 · 07/05/2023 09:03

DH and I have been having issues for a while. 2 full time jobs, 2 children (7 &2) and the fact we barely see each other due to him working shifts and me being office based don't help but its getting to the point where I actually dread spending time with him at weekends and yesterday is a classic example of why.

Below is a list of everything I did wrong according to DH and he critiqued me for:

When the dc woke up in the morning I went downstairs and did then drinks and a snack for the oldest but didn't do dh or myself a drink. I didn't have the hands to carry drinks up for us as well, but apparently it was selfish of me to not even make them and then either of us could have gone back downstairs to get them

Both dc have swimming lessons on a Saturday. Youngest hasn't been for a few weeks due to various reasons. Got to his lesson and he was the only one there and he was obviously not happy to be in the lesson (screaming to the point of being hysterical) so the teacher and I agreed there was no point forcing it so I got him out and took him in the the main pool. After a while he did calm down but he wasn't himself

We went to a friends in the afternoon and it was a busy house (5 adults and 6 children including ours) youngest hasn't been there before so was very overwhelmed and had just woken up from a nap when we got there so was a bit emotional so wanted to sit on my lap. He also hadn't had much lunch so I got him some lunch and let him eat on my lap. According to dh I should have put him down on the floor and let him eat there so he wasn't attached to me. After 30 minutes dc got down himself and was fine and spent the day running around having fun.

Whilst at friends house, youngest wanted to walk around but wanted me to go with them (their house has a loop so you can walk through) and he wanted to hold my hand while going through which I was fine with and especially being someone else's house, but according to DH I should have just left him to it and not gone with him.

When we got into bed last night I apparently stole the duvet when I tried to cuddle up to him (I moved it about 1cm) which resulted in him shouting at me to get off and he's still not talking to me know after everything I did wrong yesterday

These seem like minor things now I've written them down but these are just examples of what a day is like.

And if you made it to the end well done!

OP posts:
Wishihadanalgorithm · 07/05/2023 13:56

Your husband is a horrible man and a rubbish father. If this is an exception to the norm, then I’d discuss why this cannot continue. If this is how he is, then dear God! Just look to organise a life for you and DC without him. If that means divorce, then so be it. I couldn’t stay with a man like this. He will erode your very sense of self.

CabernetSauvignon · 07/05/2023 13:56

Do you ever push back? When he started moaning about fetching a drink, did you for instance suggest to him that it was selfish of him to stay in bed whilst you sorted out the kids and he could have got the drinks? Have you asked when you get time off for your own interests at the weekends?

Hawkins003 · 07/05/2023 14:11

Nothing wrong with what you did op, your partner is a pickle @

pointythings · 07/05/2023 14:16

@Mari9999 it doesn't take a lot of reading to learn that you foster independence in children in exactly the way OP is doing it. I suspect if you asked her H to look at the evidence base he wouldn't do it, because he knows best.

I had one of those too, he was convinced that his parents' authoritarian methods were the gold standard.

Solo · 07/05/2023 14:32

LaurieFairyCake · 07/05/2023 09:32

He doesn't love you anymore Flowers

Leave, split the parenting

Breathe again GinCakeWine and live a life without this fucker

This. Exactly.
When someone falls out of love with their partner, all they can see is the faults of the other person. Things that they wouldn't have given a second thought to before, are now a massive big deal. You deserve much more and much better than this Everythingisfallinagpart81

tara66 · 07/05/2023 14:39

Clearly you can't do anything right.
But he is surely less than perfect?
Find 10 things a day he says or does wrong and tell him every time in no uncertain terms how lazy, pathetic, useless, obnoxious, rude, stupid etc he is! See how he likes it!

CheeseyOnionPie · 07/05/2023 14:43

OP, seriously sit and ask yourself what you’d really lose by leaving him. He sounds horrific to live with. You don’t deserve someone chipping away at you all day every day. That’s no life. And your children will pick up on how he treats you. It’s damaging.

WishingMyLifeAway · 07/05/2023 14:50

Menopants · 07/05/2023 09:06

This sounds horrible. What was he doing apart from standing on the sidelines with a clipboard cosplaying an ofsted inspector?

I think you've won the internet today!

OP your DH sounds like a class A cunt.

FofD · 07/05/2023 14:50

Everything you have done is called being a parent. Settling your son, making decisions to help him are examples of how you could see that by doing something now would then make it easier later. The letting him stay with you until he was confident was a prime example.

slowquickstep · 07/05/2023 14:51

Everythingisfallinagpart81 · 07/05/2023 10:32

Thank you for all the replies, I have read each and every one of them

I honestly don't think he is having an affair, like I say he is too lazy for that as that would mean having to do something

I have wondered if he is depressed or having some sort or crisis. We have lost a few family members in the last 3/4 years, but he still seems to be able to go out and have fun with his mates, just not here with me.

I don't mean to be horrid but please stop looking for reasons to excuse his behaviour. If you listen very carefully i am sure you will hear he is using negative language towards the children, do you want them growing up being made to feel how you did yesterday ?

MultipleVeganPies · 07/05/2023 14:53

What an awful awful man OP

why accept this is your normal?

have you no self respect?

clementyne · 07/05/2023 14:57

Do you love each other? I also think that when you fall out of love with someone it becomes really difficult to spend that amount of time with them.

Treacletoots · 07/05/2023 15:00

Oh OP. Why do you accept such a low bar from your partner. When he is being abusive to you, instead of kicking him out and divorcing him like you should, you're wondering why he's behaving like this and giving him empathy which he definitely does not deserve.

Stop wondering, start getting angry, and then realising you don't have to live like this. He won't change, no matter how you twist yourself into knots to facilitate him. You need to put yourself and your DC first for once and get this joy hoover to realise his presence is really no longer required.

They don't change OP. You are the one who has to change, by divorcing him.

crazeekat · 07/05/2023 15:08

Op I'm genuinely wondering what u say to him when he starts saying all that kind of stuff.
Obv practically u can't just divorce him today but really, if these replies still don't get it through to u, I suggest.
Starting today, write down a list of every single think he says to u that is negative. Daily. Do it for a week, or two. Then write in order what he complains about or is horrible about the most. U will get ur answer to his issue loud and clear. Also for comparison begin a compliments list. Write every single thing down he says is nice etc.

beachcomber70 · 07/05/2023 15:24

You're making excuses for him. He's just an unpleasant character who has no idea how to parent or care or be a decent human being. Get rid. It is not going to get better.

HVPRN · 07/05/2023 15:24

Devils advocate.

What are you like with him? Do you gripe that he hasn't done 'x, y, z'? Is he overworked and stressed, feeling lost and is taking it out on you in these ways as you're his safe place? Does he miss you? Like really miss you? Miss who you are/were before you become 'mum?' Do you have 'us' time together? Do you compliment him? Is what is happening, happening both ways?

There is so much to unpick. If you still love him, have an honest conversation and start by reminding each other about all your favourites parts about it each other and re kindle the couple amongst the family. Life will get easier once the youngest is less reliant.

DunkingMyDonuts · 07/05/2023 15:42

Devil's advocate = victim blamer/ vile husband excuser

bd67thSaysReinstateLangCleg · 07/05/2023 15:46

Next Saturday, do nothing at all. When he asks why, show him the list of stuff he criticised and tell him that clearly must be so much better at these tasks than you in order to critique how you did them, so it will be far better for the kids if he does them himself. See how he reacts. If there's a lightbulb moment where he realises that he's been a mansplaining arrogant bellend, then there is hope for your marriage. If not, start your divorce.

Kugela · 07/05/2023 15:56

@Everythingisfallinagpart81 In case you’re in any doubt, his behaviour is emotional abuse and the only way to stop his nastiness is to end the relationship. You don’t have to put up with it.

BethDuttonsTwin · 07/05/2023 16:08

He hates you. Leave him. That’s it.

I did leave my ex so I know how hard it is and am not just being flippant.

Nanaof1 · 07/05/2023 16:16

Everythingisfallinagpart81 · 07/05/2023 09:13

Yes he is always this critical but it has definitely got worse over the last few months.

I can't breathe without being critised.

I have recently been on a course which is something I have wanted to do since I was about 5, have passed all the exams with 100% and he's not once said well done or anything, but actually critised how I looked in the uniform that I would have to wear when I pass this

Everything has to be his way or he sulks and says how unappreciated he is.

Your FLNSDH needs to go fuck a goat.

It's time OP. You know he's not worth it. He knows he's not worth it. You don't have a marriage, you have 3 children and one of them seems very spoiled, selfish and mean. He is jealous of a child and spends his time writing up critiques of you. If you decided to write the things your FLNSDH did correct in the same time frame, you'd save a tree because the paper would be blank.

His critique was nothing more than a temper tantrum put into words on a page. You deserve better, your children deserve better. He deserves to go fuck a goat.

He must really hate himself to try and destroy the mother of his children, so he can try and feel better about his self.

HeyFLNSDHIt won't work. You won't feel better, and you're going to lose the best part of your life. Hopefully soon. Seethe and cope with that azzhat.

nutbrownhare15 · 07/05/2023 16:24

I'm guessing he doesn't pull his weight in the childcare or housework departments. I'd recommend a read of 'why does he do that' by Lundy Bancroft (free pdf available online). It will be hard but imagine the relief once you no longer have to put up with this all the time.

JennyJenny8675309 · 07/05/2023 16:46

My ex husband was like this. Always critical, giving me the silent treatment, putting me down. I wasted 25 years of my precious life with him. Please don’t do the same! Life without him has been rewarding beyond measure. I occasionally hear couples arguing when I’m out somewhere or I’ll hear my neighbour’s husband make a shitty comment to her. It takes me right back to that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I hope you’ll create a better life for yourself — without him in it.

raincamepouringdown · 07/05/2023 16:50

Everythingisfallinagpart81 · 07/05/2023 09:32

I don't think he is having an affair (he's too lazy for that!) I honestly think he is jealous of the relationship I have with the kids.

I do admit that they always come first and I am bad at taking dh for granted but they children are still young and I expect him to do the same and always put them first.

I have given up everything over the years. Dh still goes to football every other weekend as well as some of the away games so can be out most Saturdays where as I am always here with the children and I have never once stopped him

He went on a weeks long all inclusive holiday with friends last year and again I didn't stop him. I then had to practically beg for us all to gonon a family holiday which I loved but he said was far too stressful (not to mention the list of things I did wrong on that one!) So we won't be having a family holiday this year

The course is a requirement of my role (a new role I started middle of last year - same company I have worked at for a while though) and I have been praised at work for managing to do so well on the course and maintain my main job as well, where as DH couldn't care less

He doesn't like you. He doesn't like family life. He wants to still act like he's single (while pretending he's a family man elsewhere to look good no doubt).

It is really that simple.

I'd be making plans to leave, tbh. His treatment of you is slowly going to eat away at 'you' if you stay.

Pheefifofuckthisshit · 07/05/2023 17:03

I think the first thing you should do is book a Monday to Friday away with your kids. He's not invited.

Don't tell him you've booked it until it's nearly upon you to go away.

You deserve a holiday. And you deserve a holiday from this prick.

I guarantee you that having a block of time just you and the kids, being able to unwind and relax without him criticising you will do you the world of good and give you a pleasant taste of life without him.

Don't make excuses for him. He's only like this with you. That's not mental health, it's emotional abuse.

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