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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Everything I did wrong yesterday according to DH

267 replies

Everythingisfallinagpart81 · 07/05/2023 09:03

DH and I have been having issues for a while. 2 full time jobs, 2 children (7 &2) and the fact we barely see each other due to him working shifts and me being office based don't help but its getting to the point where I actually dread spending time with him at weekends and yesterday is a classic example of why.

Below is a list of everything I did wrong according to DH and he critiqued me for:

When the dc woke up in the morning I went downstairs and did then drinks and a snack for the oldest but didn't do dh or myself a drink. I didn't have the hands to carry drinks up for us as well, but apparently it was selfish of me to not even make them and then either of us could have gone back downstairs to get them

Both dc have swimming lessons on a Saturday. Youngest hasn't been for a few weeks due to various reasons. Got to his lesson and he was the only one there and he was obviously not happy to be in the lesson (screaming to the point of being hysterical) so the teacher and I agreed there was no point forcing it so I got him out and took him in the the main pool. After a while he did calm down but he wasn't himself

We went to a friends in the afternoon and it was a busy house (5 adults and 6 children including ours) youngest hasn't been there before so was very overwhelmed and had just woken up from a nap when we got there so was a bit emotional so wanted to sit on my lap. He also hadn't had much lunch so I got him some lunch and let him eat on my lap. According to dh I should have put him down on the floor and let him eat there so he wasn't attached to me. After 30 minutes dc got down himself and was fine and spent the day running around having fun.

Whilst at friends house, youngest wanted to walk around but wanted me to go with them (their house has a loop so you can walk through) and he wanted to hold my hand while going through which I was fine with and especially being someone else's house, but according to DH I should have just left him to it and not gone with him.

When we got into bed last night I apparently stole the duvet when I tried to cuddle up to him (I moved it about 1cm) which resulted in him shouting at me to get off and he's still not talking to me know after everything I did wrong yesterday

These seem like minor things now I've written them down but these are just examples of what a day is like.

And if you made it to the end well done!

OP posts:
lljkk · 07/05/2023 11:16

He's go the Ick for you but can't face that.

willWillSmithsmith · 07/05/2023 11:17

My god he sounds awful. He is grinding you down until there’s nothing left but residue (I speak from experience with a bf not h so it was easy to walk away). You’re going to have to either stand your ground (as a pp said find your anger) or call it quits and leave or he will destroy you.

zingally · 07/05/2023 11:27

He's jealous.

Either of the fact you don't have as much time for him any more, because you're the primary carer of two young kids.
Or he's jealous that the kids see you as the default parent, rather than him. Like when the youngest wanted comfort at the friends house, it was YOUR lap he wanted, not dads. Maybe dh thought having a son would be all "woo hoo! daddy's little soldier! Daddy's boy!" But actually "daddy's little boy" prefers mummy.

Tessabelle74 · 07/05/2023 11:35

This is abuse, pure and simple. You and your children deserve much better. He is grinding you down and eventually you'll believe everything he tells you. It's time to split.

Fraaahnces · 07/05/2023 11:39

Honestly, who cares if he IS depressed? I doubt it. He would use it as an excuse if you asked him. He sounds self-indulgent and entitled if you ask me. I bet he’s fabulous at playing Super Dad in front of his friends and family. You married a wanker, @Everythingisfallinagpart81. So sorry.

coffeestrongblacknosugar · 07/05/2023 11:45

What a vile person he is. It sounds like he doesn't like you at all and you should not put up with that behaviour.

It doesn't matter if he is depressed or not - you do not get to behave like that regardless!

Rosscameasdoody · 07/05/2023 11:56

He’s abusive, plain and simple. And he needs to know it. If it continues, as your children get older, the criticism will likely be levelled at them too. He’s ‘hands off’ as a parent, but critical of you for being ‘hands on’ - and you did nothing wrong, but then you know that. I’m really sorry, but for all your sakes I think you need to have a conversation with him and lay it all out in simple terms. His behaviour is abusive and unacceptable. If he’s having MH problems he needs to be honest and get help. If not, he needs to be equally as honest and tell you what the problem is, so you can sort it out, and either save your marriage, or leave before he completely sucks the joy out of life.

Cakeandcoffee93 · 07/05/2023 11:57

Tell him to back the F off.
i couldn’t live like that

unsync · 07/05/2023 12:01

If he's fine with his mates but not with you, he's doing this deliberately. Are you more successful than him or do you have more potential for improvement than him? He sounds jealous and resentful.

Is this how you want to live? Is this the life you want for your children? Think carefully about what YOU want.

Daffodilsandtuplips · 07/05/2023 12:15

Stand up to him, “Why are you always putting me down?
Its tiresome and and I’m sick of it. You say you feel unappreciated, you’re not the only one. You could have helped me with the drinks”
“DC didn’t know the house or the people very well and he’d just woken up, he’s 2 not 12”.

Nanny0gg · 07/05/2023 12:20

Everythingisfallinagpart81 · 07/05/2023 10:32

Thank you for all the replies, I have read each and every one of them

I honestly don't think he is having an affair, like I say he is too lazy for that as that would mean having to do something

I have wondered if he is depressed or having some sort or crisis. We have lost a few family members in the last 3/4 years, but he still seems to be able to go out and have fun with his mates, just not here with me.

Stop making excuses for him!

He's a pig!

TheHandmaiden · 07/05/2023 12:26

He's lazy and self centered. No crisis except he resents your children which is the sign of a no mark man.

dottiedodah · 07/05/2023 12:27

Im still wondering why you cuddled up to him! Gosh OP unless you want this for ever ,then stand up for yourself.He treats you badly and you still want to hug him?

BeeCucumber · 07/05/2023 12:36

Leave. Life is too short. He doesn’t love you or the children anymore.

Ellie450 · 07/05/2023 12:39

@Everythingisfallinagpart81
Has he brought up sex at all? For some reason this is giving me “husband wants more sex and is being vile about it” vibes.

knobheeeed · 07/05/2023 12:42

He's a knobheeeeed OP. That's basically why I changed my username to knobheeeed because there are so many of them on here.

It's amazing how many of them there are around. We are socialized to be nice and to look for reasons for the behaviour - which is why most of these threads involve the OP and/or several posters saying it could be depression or a mental health crisis.
These mental health crises seem to go away the minute the knobheeed is out making merry with his friends and come on again as soon as they are expected to parent their own children and to support the mother of their children instead of criticizing every single thing.
There is no way in hell all of these useless men are depressed or having mental health crises or have ADHD or are autistic or have early onset dementia or any of the myriad of reasons people come up with to excuse the behaviour.

He is a nasty prick. That's it.
Sorry OP.
You did nothing wrong.
He's possibly pissed off about you doing so well with your course. Is there anyway you could ditch this prick? There seems to be no actual point to him whatsoever.

Needapadlockonmyfridge · 07/05/2023 12:45

He sounds like a prick. Sorry.
Congratulations on your exams !

Greenkitchen · 07/05/2023 13:06

You need to leave. It won’t get better. He’s a total dick.

Please go enjoy your life with your precious babies with this fun sponge!!!

Longdarkcloud · 07/05/2023 13:13

Women such as myself who have been married to men like this and who have eventually left and made new lives for themselves will tell you they have no regrets and that there is an amazing feeling of relieve when you are no longer subject to continual criticism.
He resents the fact that you are more competent than he and feels he has lost power and he dislikes you for this.
As other posters have said, your children need to be removed from this toxic environment. Apart from the damage it will cause the they will end up treating you with the same lack of respect that your H shows.
Plan your move carefully and do it in your own time frame.
Good luck

BeverlyHa · 07/05/2023 13:22

He does not love you, darling, if he gets irritated by you being a mum , your kids being kids and you daring to cuddle him. Draw the line now and find a generous guy with big heart who is capable of love

IAteAllTheTomatoes · 07/05/2023 13:23

The only thing you did "wrong" here is marrying him and staying with him.

He's abusive and horrible.

Justalittlebitduckling · 07/05/2023 13:32

Nobody asked for his opinion. I think I would tell him to F off and bloody well parent DC himself since he clearly thinks he can do so much better.

Thelnebriati · 07/05/2023 13:38

The way you are parenting your children - allowing them to stay in contact with you until they feel confident enough to start to explore - will give them a sense of security.

Its very sad that he is allowing his feelings to affect his behaviour towards you all. Its also noticeable with his reaction towards your training for a new job. He appears to resent your independence and anything that takes your attention away from him, which is a red flag for controlling behaviour.

MammaTo · 07/05/2023 13:46

He sounds jealous of the attention you give your children. I’ve seen a few men do this over time, it’s a mad thing to see.

Mari9999 · 07/05/2023 13:55

OP, you are unhappy that it evident. Some of the examples that you gave seem that they might revolve around a particular theme. Does he feel that you are in some way inhibiting the development of independence in your children? If this has been an ongoing issue that is not so much random criticism as much as an ongoing parenting style difference which has not been resolved.

Whatever the cause of your ongoing unhappiness ( and it does not sound as though he is very happy either) the 2 of you might consider counseling to help you develop better communication skills. If the underlying issue is incompatibility , that may not be resolvable .