Everything I did wrong yesterday according to DH

[Everythingisfallinagpart81]

DH and I have been having issues for a while. 2 full time jobs, 2 children (7 &2) and the fact we barely see each other due to him working shifts and me being office based don't help but its getting to the point where I actually dread spending time with him at weekends and yesterday is a classic example of why.

Below is a list of everything I did wrong according to DH and he critiqued me for:

When the dc woke up in the morning I went downstairs and did then drinks and a snack for the oldest but didn't do dh or myself a drink. I didn't have the hands to carry drinks up for us as well, but apparently it was selfish of me to not even make them and then either of us could have gone back downstairs to get them

Both dc have swimming lessons on a Saturday. Youngest hasn't been for a few weeks due to various reasons. Got to his lesson and he was the only one there and he was obviously not happy to be in the lesson (screaming to the point of being hysterical) so the teacher and I agreed there was no point forcing it so I got him out and took him in the the main pool. After a while he did calm down but he wasn't himself

We went to a friends in the afternoon and it was a busy house (5 adults and 6 children including ours) youngest hasn't been there before so was very overwhelmed and had just woken up from a nap when we got there so was a bit emotional so wanted to sit on my lap. He also hadn't had much lunch so I got him some lunch and let him eat on my lap. According to dh I should have put him down on the floor and let him eat there so he wasn't attached to me. After 30 minutes dc got down himself and was fine and spent the day running around having fun.

Whilst at friends house, youngest wanted to walk around but wanted me to go with them (their house has a loop so you can walk through) and he wanted to hold my hand while going through which I was fine with and especially being someone else's house, but according to DH I should have just left him to it and not gone with him.

When we got into bed last night I apparently stole the duvet when I tried to cuddle up to him (I moved it about 1cm) which resulted in him shouting at me to get off and he's still not talking to me know after everything I did wrong yesterday

These seem like minor things now I've written them down but these are just examples of what a day is like.

And if you made it to the end well done!

Duno sounds like your both needing to work at a more healthy relationship tbh more talking more time together instead of all over the place instead of having some family time. We figured that years ago sometimes you need to step back and say ok we ain't gona see anyone today just have our own family together day and we specifically make time to talk make sure we are always on same page. It sounds like your always drifting past each other being so busy so make time before it's to late.

What's your plan? You obviously realise that his behaviour is unacceptable, so what now?

What would happen if you took the children away on holiday by yourself? In your position, I'd be tempted to just book it for when he couldn't get time off work and tell him after the fact?

Thank you for all the replies, I have read each and every one of them

I honestly don't think he is having an affair, like I say he is too lazy for that as that would mean having to do something

I have wondered if he is depressed or having some sort or crisis. We have lost a few family members in the last 3/4 years, but he still seems to be able to go out and have fun with his mates, just not here with me.

I was at a new house with my 3 year old yesterday and I regularly had to walk round with her, go and sit with her etc because she was a bit nervous of lots of new people. I think he is in the wrong if he thinks that a 2 year old, already a bit miserable, is going to confidently look after themselves in a new house.

Do you and DH have different parenting styles? Does he have very different expectations? Did he criticise you before having DC? I initially wondered if there was a bit of you butting heads over parenting choices, and then it escalating into other things but I think the fact he criticised your uniform is just really mean and unnecessary and like he wants you to feel crap. Would you do some counselling on your own?

Yes! I agree about the holiday. Go without him. Will be far more enjoyable.

I have to agree with @pussycatinfluffyslippers , @LubaLuca and @Ihaveshitfriends .

Please please please remember this - your 7 year old is at a very impressionable age. They soak up EVERYTHING. How daddy treats mummy, how mummy is always sad, has no friends, doesn't go out like daddy does and so on.
If you don't think you can leave for you, leave for the 7 and 2 yr olds.

If your other half (he's not a 'd' anything to be honest) steps up once you are separated, you can tell your kids when they are older that sometimes, adults work better when they aren't living together and it makes a better situation for everyone. If he doesn't, well, he really wasn't bringing anything to the relationship and if the kids ever ask in the future, you can tell them that daddy was making mummy unhappy and wasn't a nice person to be around for long periods of time (or something along those lines).

Best of luck to you whatever you decide to do.

That's a lovely patio @Fraaahnces , would be such a shame to have to dig it up though? 😉

He's jealous of you!

You are parenting your DCs and they are close to you. You have a qualification you've always wanted.

The bit that sticks with me is your youngest DC is only 2, a baby. Of course he wanted to sit on your lap or toddle around with you.

He should be parenting or getting drinks for you both.

I'd end it. He will destroy your nerves and self esteem.

He sounds childish.

A partner should be exactly that and the man you've married isn't. They should raise you up and celebrate your successes. He doesn't. You work full time and do the bulk of the childcare. What does he bring to the table? How does he enhance your life? Ask yourself some basic questions op and then make a decision. You can carry on like this for the next 20 years and then what? Your kids will have left home, moved on and you'll be stuck with him. Either have it out with him and start making changes or leave him

He's gaslighting you, making you think this is your doing when really it isn't. You are not the problem and are doing well at work and sound lile a lovely mum. He's the one that is failing here. I hope you have support in real life.

He is jealous of the children and actually doesn’t like you because of it.

He will probably leave you when the children are older with a predictable exit affair. It’s just happened recently to a friend of mine.

He's a lazy, selfish, critical prick who brings nothing to your life. It sounds like it's over.

Congrats on doing so well on your course!

You deserve better 💐

If he can change his behaviour based on context it’s not some sort of MH crisis.

I know it feels overwhelming with small children, but please start planning your exit. I endured this for so many years, thinking I could sit it out for the children. I got quite seriously ill.

Once the respect has gone, it's gone. You and your kids deserve better.

You sound like a lovely person @Everythingisfallinagpart81 and because of that, you’re making excuses for him - maybe he’s depressed etc.

He’s not treating you with any respect.
He sounds jealous of your job role and how well you do it and also of you as a mother…..and the time you spend with the children.

It sounds to me as if he still wants to be living a single blokes life or at least without kiddos who need actual parenting. He sounds too immature to be a grown up with actual responsibilities.

I really don't want to upset you OP but is there a chance he could have met someone else/cheated? Sounds like he's trying to pick you apart so he can have an "out" really really shitty behaviour on his part but I've seen this before.

you sound like a wonderful mum and if you stay with him he'll erode your self esteem. He does not deserve you

@FishChipsMushyPeas

id rather look like Lisa Dingle (which you
probably don't anyway !) than be such a nasty prick.

what are you going to do? You can't stay in a relationship with such an awful
person without it destroying you. You deserve so much more.

He sounds abusive and jealous of your relationship with your DCs. He seems to want a mother figure rather than a wife. Maybe he's ramped it up lately because he feels threatened by you progressing at work. It sounds a miserable way to live. Are there any positives he brings to your life and relationship?

@MaisieDaisyMay I'm quietly squirreling away money (I started a thread and got a lot of amazing support) to enable me to leave.

Op, I've suffered it for years but it's got worse over the past couple of years. Don't suffer longer than you need to.

There’s something going on underneath all this. Have you considered couples counselling? Assuming you want to save your marriage?

I hope you take the children on holiday without him, it will still be a family holiday, and probably better than the last one!

It sounds like you breathing is annoying to him.

It seems like either he wants to be the centre of your universe and doesn't like you having anything to distract you from him , or he really doesn't like you or being a family man - maybe both!

Whatever you do don't scrap the family holiday though! He went off on holiday with his friends last year, so you go and have a lovely holiday just you and the kids without the miserable arse this year.

I don't think he loves you anymore and so he's lashing out and hurting you. He makes you unhappy. He's rude and critical. This is the person who should love and support you the most and yet he ignores your triumphs and criticises who you are and what you do say to say.

You sound like a lovely person. Please don't let this horrible man hold you captive and break your spirit.

@Everythingisfallinagpart81

(((HUG)))

I hope this morning you've made yourself a drink & taken it back to bed.

You already know that everything you did yesterday was perfectly fine/normal/caring parenting, whatever, & that his criticisms were unjustified.

you know why he criticises you.

he's trying to make you feel he's superior & that you need his 'guidance' he's eroding your self confidence so that you don't have the confidence to leave him. He doesn't want to look like a failure to his mates. It suits him to have a wife & kids, but act like he's his own man when he wants to.

don't excuse it by saying he's depressed etc. it's FAR more likely he's just a selfish git!

if you stay, he'll just keep eroding your self esteem & self confidence until you're just a shadow of yourself.

you've done well in your job & with your course despite him, think of how much easier that would be with someone supportive or even just without his negativity.

I know it's not easy to leave, but staying is not easy either. Short term
pain, long term gain.

I know you'll say both 'but I LOVE him'. That might be true, but I suspect you live how he used to be, the familiarity or what you wish he could be AND 'staying gir the kids '. Is not a reason either! You don't want them growing up thinking this is right!!

pull up those Big Girl Pants & see him for what he actually is, not what you wish he was. You won't change him.

@FishChipsMushyPeas that's a great start! Squirrel quickly! Life's short xx