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AIBU?

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Original poster

Everything I did wrong yesterday according to DH

267 replies

Everythingisfallinagpart81 · 07/05/2023 09:03

DH and I have been having issues for a while. 2 full time jobs, 2 children (7 &2) and the fact we barely see each other due to him working shifts and me being office based don't help but its getting to the point where I actually dread spending time with him at weekends and yesterday is a classic example of why.

Below is a list of everything I did wrong according to DH and he critiqued me for:

When the dc woke up in the morning I went downstairs and did then drinks and a snack for the oldest but didn't do dh or myself a drink. I didn't have the hands to carry drinks up for us as well, but apparently it was selfish of me to not even make them and then either of us could have gone back downstairs to get them

Both dc have swimming lessons on a Saturday. Youngest hasn't been for a few weeks due to various reasons. Got to his lesson and he was the only one there and he was obviously not happy to be in the lesson (screaming to the point of being hysterical) so the teacher and I agreed there was no point forcing it so I got him out and took him in the the main pool. After a while he did calm down but he wasn't himself

We went to a friends in the afternoon and it was a busy house (5 adults and 6 children including ours) youngest hasn't been there before so was very overwhelmed and had just woken up from a nap when we got there so was a bit emotional so wanted to sit on my lap. He also hadn't had much lunch so I got him some lunch and let him eat on my lap. According to dh I should have put him down on the floor and let him eat there so he wasn't attached to me. After 30 minutes dc got down himself and was fine and spent the day running around having fun.

Whilst at friends house, youngest wanted to walk around but wanted me to go with them (their house has a loop so you can walk through) and he wanted to hold my hand while going through which I was fine with and especially being someone else's house, but according to DH I should have just left him to it and not gone with him.

When we got into bed last night I apparently stole the duvet when I tried to cuddle up to him (I moved it about 1cm) which resulted in him shouting at me to get off and he's still not talking to me know after everything I did wrong yesterday

These seem like minor things now I've written them down but these are just examples of what a day is like.

And if you made it to the end well done!

OP posts:
GodspeedJune · 07/05/2023 10:04

He sounds jealous of the attention you give your children which is absolutely pathetic. The constant put downs are designed to ruin your self-esteem, which is a form of abuse.

Staplesonstamps · 07/05/2023 10:05

Firstly can I say you sound like a really kind responsive and in tune mum to your youngest.

Secondly your partner is an arsehole. I don’t actually think he is jealous of the time you spend with your children I think he resents that life hasn’t remained entirely the same with them in it.

He sounds like an authoritarian type parent who thinks kids should act like independent little adults and do exactly what they are told whilst the adults continue life completely unfettered by the normal needs of small children as if the children did not exist at all.

CoffeeLover90 · 07/05/2023 10:05

I bet he's always been like this to some extent, he's getting worse because you're doing well in things that don't involve him, he's left out and he's jealous. Because he's selfish. A normal person would encourage and support you. My ex was a lot like this and I realised it was all a trick, to demolish my confidence so I'd be reliant on him. It nearly worked. You do need to leave. It will take a while to get used to thinking for yourself, that's when you're more likely to go back but don't. Hang on a bit longer. You'll soon realise you're better off without him.

Anaemiafog · 07/05/2023 10:06

What a way to live. I would have done exactly the same as you in your OP. If I get something wrong I don't expect someone there with a clipboard marking my performance, that way lies a life so demoralising it will eventually drive you insane.

GG1986 · 07/05/2023 10:08

Doesn't sound like he likes you very much? Have it out with him and ask him what the F his problem is. All these things are so minor and not even an issue.

Whichnumbers · 07/05/2023 10:09

So we won't be having a family holiday this year

you can have a family holiday with one parent and two children, its still a family holiday and from the sounds of your husband - it'd be a lot easier without him there

Unless of course he controls the money and refuses you money to go on holiday - book a holiday for you and the dc

Iloveacurry · 07/05/2023 10:10

And of course, he’s perfect. He sounds like a twat.

slowquickstep · 07/05/2023 10:11

He is not your" be all and end all" He want's 100%of your attention 100% of the time. He is a an immature excuse for a man. He will never grow up.

3BSHKATS · 07/05/2023 10:12

Is he around much physically in the house ? This is typical affair behaviour, wife is always wrong getting ready to jusitfy leaving the family for the OW

diddl · 07/05/2023 10:13

What a selfish, pathetic, nasty man.

Hope you leave him Op.

Whichnumbers · 07/05/2023 10:14

Have you sat down with him and discussed how you both think parenting should be? He clearly has very different views on how to parent to you.

Do you have adult time away from the children? oi

diddl · 07/05/2023 10:15

I then had to practically beg for us all to gonon a family holiday which I loved but he said was far too stressful (not to mention the list of things I did wrong on that one!) So we won't be having a family holiday this year

A holiday without him sounds like a win win.

Why not have one with the kids & one on your own?

peerie · 07/05/2023 10:17

Did he ever have feelings for you - that you liked? If so appeal to his better nature to make changes. If this does not happen your only option is to leave.

Summerlovin121 · 07/05/2023 10:17

Death by 1,000 cuts!! It’s a real thing

Whattodo112222 · 07/05/2023 10:17

My ex used to be like this. Berated me for everything. I was always on edge at all times. Best thing I ever did was leave him

TeeBee · 07/05/2023 10:18

Nah mate, bin him off. You can find better than this, surely.

Merryoldgoat · 07/05/2023 10:22

This man will grind you down into a husk of a woman.

There is no happiness in a future with him OP.

FishChipsMushyPeas · 07/05/2023 10:22

I'm on the receiving end of constant criticism like this too, it's upsetting ano wears you down. The latest was that I take no pride in myself as I was at home wearing black joggers and a black hoodie. Guess what he was wearing while criticising the 'state' I looked? Yup, a black hoodie and black joggers. His response to me pointing that out was that he 'always looks good though'. He then said I look like Lisa Dingle. I just walked off.

I fully sympathise, it's so wearing and breaks down your confidence.

Gettingbysomehow · 07/05/2023 10:24

You need to tell him to shut the fuk up. Your LO is only 2 ffs.

SkyandSurf · 07/05/2023 10:24

Fraaahnces · 07/05/2023 10:02

Mumsnet Patios to the Rescue. At least you’d finally get some enjoyment from him.

What a lovely patio!

Imagine sitting there in peace, enjoying your children and professional successes free from constant negativity.

KittyTypesCat · 07/05/2023 10:25

This sounds very familiar because dh was like this in the past. He was then diagnosed with depression.
He lost the ability to find the joy in life. I think he had a midlife crisis. He felt trapped + unvalued at work + home. He felt pushed out by me because I was hugely focused on our young kids, obviously since he didn't help much. He took it out on me with constant criticism.
If this feels familiar, then dh needs help. And so do you as its horrible for someone to take their negative feelings out on you in this way.
In the short term, you both need a break. Maybe suggest a regular exchange of babysitting to a friend?

Itsasunshineyday · 07/05/2023 10:25

Bless you, sounds like you're an amazing mum and your kids are lucky to have a normal parent.

Contact the Domestic Abuse charity, have a chat with them. They'll put things into perspective for you and give you your options.
The reason I'm saying this is that it sounds like he's getting worse and can you imagine your life with him in 10 years time. If you don't act now you'll be a shadow of your former self.
You know there's lots of red flags or you wouldn't have written the post.

happypoobum · 07/05/2023 10:26

Well he doesn’t like you much does he? And I can’t understand why you would like him.

I suspect you would be much happier if you separated.

BitOutOfPractice · 07/05/2023 10:27

Nothing to add except well done on passing your course. It’s no mean feat to study, raise kids and work ft. And with 100% too. Very impressive!

Hallmark1234 · 07/05/2023 10:27

It sounds like you irritate him, but the question is why? Why does he feel the need to constantly criticise you, when he does so little himself?

If I were you I'd confront and call out his behaviour, asking why he feels the need to treat you like that? I think he's jealous of your success and for whatever reason feels the need to bring you down. Your relationship is unfair, with him going out and away at times, leaving you to do everything. I think you're being too passive and it's time you put your foot down. He may just respect you more if you do that. Or call a halt to the relationship. He's not going to improve, in fact it will escalate over time, as he just doesn't respect you. Time to change that!