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Original poster

Everything I did wrong yesterday according to DH

267 replies

Everythingisfallinagpart81 · 07/05/2023 09:03

DH and I have been having issues for a while. 2 full time jobs, 2 children (7 &2) and the fact we barely see each other due to him working shifts and me being office based don't help but its getting to the point where I actually dread spending time with him at weekends and yesterday is a classic example of why.

Below is a list of everything I did wrong according to DH and he critiqued me for:

When the dc woke up in the morning I went downstairs and did then drinks and a snack for the oldest but didn't do dh or myself a drink. I didn't have the hands to carry drinks up for us as well, but apparently it was selfish of me to not even make them and then either of us could have gone back downstairs to get them

Both dc have swimming lessons on a Saturday. Youngest hasn't been for a few weeks due to various reasons. Got to his lesson and he was the only one there and he was obviously not happy to be in the lesson (screaming to the point of being hysterical) so the teacher and I agreed there was no point forcing it so I got him out and took him in the the main pool. After a while he did calm down but he wasn't himself

We went to a friends in the afternoon and it was a busy house (5 adults and 6 children including ours) youngest hasn't been there before so was very overwhelmed and had just woken up from a nap when we got there so was a bit emotional so wanted to sit on my lap. He also hadn't had much lunch so I got him some lunch and let him eat on my lap. According to dh I should have put him down on the floor and let him eat there so he wasn't attached to me. After 30 minutes dc got down himself and was fine and spent the day running around having fun.

Whilst at friends house, youngest wanted to walk around but wanted me to go with them (their house has a loop so you can walk through) and he wanted to hold my hand while going through which I was fine with and especially being someone else's house, but according to DH I should have just left him to it and not gone with him.

When we got into bed last night I apparently stole the duvet when I tried to cuddle up to him (I moved it about 1cm) which resulted in him shouting at me to get off and he's still not talking to me know after everything I did wrong yesterday

These seem like minor things now I've written them down but these are just examples of what a day is like.

And if you made it to the end well done!

OP posts:
Couldyounot · 07/05/2023 09:46

You are being unreasonable in one thing only: remaining married to this whinging tosser.

DunkingMyDonuts · 07/05/2023 09:47

Yet you call him "D" H. What on earth does he have to do not not be referred to as "darling/ dear" husband fgs

80sMum · 07/05/2023 09:48

Is he aware that what he says to you comes across as constant criticism and wears you down?
Sometimes people simply don't realise what it's like for those who are on the receiving end of what they deem to be merely "passing remarks" or "helpful comments".

Have you explained clearly to him the effect that these comments have on you? If you have, and after several such explanations he's still doing it, I fear he's not going to change and you probably have but two options for the longer term: either to put up with it and find ways of reducing (hopefully eliminating) the effect these comments have on your emotional well-being - or to end the relationship.

pointythings · 07/05/2023 09:49

If you don't want to divorce him (and I really think that you should) then you need to call him out every time he does it, including in front of others. Simple, firm, cool: 'Stop criticising me. Right now.' Then walk away and continue whatever you were doing.

If he doesn't stop, or if he kicks off, you get the divorce started.

SallyWD · 07/05/2023 09:52

Is he always like this or was he particularly grumpy yesterday? I couldn't cope with the constant criticism.

goodkidsmaadhouse · 07/05/2023 09:53

What @LaurieFairyCake said. Leave. Live again.

Your OP was bad enough but your update about his response to your uniform (WTF!) has actually made me feel a bit teary. Especially because I’m having some job woes at the moment and my DH has been the most supportive and wonderful human alive about it… I can’t even imagine how proud he’d be if I was doing what you’re doing re work. And that’s exactly what you deserve too.

Rockingcloggs · 07/05/2023 09:53

Why do women put up with this? Just tell him to fuck off.

ThisWormHasTurned · 07/05/2023 09:54

I had one of these. Constantly criticising, jealous of my relationship with DD, jealous of my friendships…It’s demoralising! I finally realised it was never getting better. I ended it. My life is so much better. DD is so much happier. He moved on (quickly, unsurprisingly) and when he told me about her my first thought was genuinely “Oh good, he’s got someone else to moan to now!”.
I doubt he will change. If I were you I’d think very seriously about leaving.

ButterBastardBeans · 07/05/2023 09:55

I also suspect he has had his head turned but he wants you to do the dumping.

Either way, this will wear you down like water on a rock OP. You can't live like this. He should have your back and be your biggest cheerleader. It's psychological abuse.

gogogoji · 07/05/2023 09:55

I can't even. Just no.

Shelaydownunderthetable · 07/05/2023 09:55

Wtf? He’s pathetic. Don’t let your kids witness one more day of this shit. You deserve more. Get your affairs in order.

Tinkerbyebye · 07/05/2023 09:56

Just leave

Goodread1 · 07/05/2023 09:56

I am going to critique your Husband, notice I don't call him your Darling Husband, !

He sounds like real hardwork, to even read about on your Op thread@Everythingisfallinagpart81
let alone live with,
Well endure with ,

Must be like endure, like putting up with tooth ache,to be with someone like this,

This life is way too short to put up with someone like this 😕

You are just too good for him,

He sounds like a right Prick, acting like he is something speacial,

He is not anything speacial,

He fully well knows you are way too good for him
Hence putting you down , remarks on allmost constant basis

Get rid of him
Ditch
Him

Don't like the sound of him at all...

He will be like a wrecking ball to your cofindence, if you don't find a way to escape from this @Everythingisfallinagpart81

FangsForTheMemory · 07/05/2023 09:58

He’s resentful because he’s not the centre of attention. Not a good look. Do you get anything from this marriage?

Monster80 · 07/05/2023 09:58

Make a list of everything he does wrong, I’ll start:

  1. didn’t make anyone breakfast or tea/cofffee
  2. didn’t coax hysterical toddler into swimming lesson
  3. didn’t offer comfort to overwhelmed child at friends house
  4. didn’t take child on loop of friends house to give me a break
  5. aggressive duvet wrangling skills

He sounds absolutely bloody useless OP?

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 07/05/2023 09:59

JFDIYOLO · 07/05/2023 09:38

Sounds like he's jealous.

Of the time, care and attention you spend on doing all of the parenting. Was he the centre of the universe before they happened?

Of the hard work you put into succeeding at your course - again not devoted to him.

Of the possibility that your skill, intelligence, committment and success might mean you could manage perfectly well at parenting, self development and earning ... solo?

This.
But also all I can see from your post is that you were busy parenting and he was just watching you do it and finding fault.
Also, I think you sound like a very caring mother. You thought about your DC feeling a bit nervous in a friends house and took the time to settle him so he felt comfortable and was then able to join in - especially as he'd been out of sorts at swimming.
I don't get your DH attitude - just leave him to it - you don't say the age but I think what you were doing sounds like you were just allowing him to feel supported until he was comfortable - I cannot see anything wrong with that.
I think he will develop confidence more quickly that way.

So while all this was going on what was your DH doing? Sitting watching you to catch every mistake? What do your friends think.

Maybe he's not a hands-on type of parent, but was brought up with the throw them in the deep end and they will soon learn to swim type of attitude.

Is it just in parenting styles? ( I think someone who doesn't do much or leaves it all up to someone else doesn't really have a parenting style TBH)

It doesn't sound like you get much chance to discuss it with him sensibly since he is so busy telling you where you went wrong. As an exercise, maybe you should list the things he Could have been doing, and why his performance was also wrong, I don't mean read it out to him but just to balance in your mind the impact of what he says about you. And think about how much more of this behaviour you can put up with.

I can't really advise except to say that couples counseling where you'd at least get a word in Edgeways seems like a good way forward.

Shoxfordian · 07/05/2023 09:59

Maybe he used to be on your team but he isn’t anymore; he’s not supportive or proud of you. Why stay with someone like that?

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 07/05/2023 10:01

It sounds to me as though your 2 year old might be a bit off-colour and not feeling particularly well.

Does your 'D'H really double-down on the criticism when a child is ill? Because I've often found this to be a marker of a man who is jealous of his own children and the attention they receive.

SameToo · 07/05/2023 10:01

@Everythingisfallinagpart81 congratulations on passing your courses.

He sounds jealous which is pathetic. Are you progressing better career wise than he is? Might be his fragile man ego.

ShowUs · 07/05/2023 10:02

I’ve not voted.

He sounds like an arse but it also does sound like you smother the DCs too much.

He is either jealous of your relationship or he thinks you are spoiling them and acting like their maid.
Probably a bit of both.

Why do you take drinks and snacks up to the kids in the morning?

If they want a snack then they need to come downstairs and get it.

Its hard to comment on the friends house situation but it does sound like the child was constantly with you and you should be encouraging them to be more independent.

Having some rules doesn’t mean you don’t love them any less.

Your husband sounds like a dick who is jealous but tbh I just think this relationship has sailed its course and it’s probably time to just call it a day, else you are both going to continue resenting each other and end up hating one another.

ScoobyBooby · 07/05/2023 10:02

Ignore him !! You did everything RIGHT for your children ! He needs to grow up and stop being jealous of the attention you give the children

Notimeforaname · 07/05/2023 10:02

He sounds jealous of the time and attention you give to you children. What a dick.

Fraaahnces · 07/05/2023 10:02

Mumsnet Patios to the Rescue. At least you’d finally get some enjoyment from him.

Everything I did wrong yesterday according to DH
Lysianthus · 07/05/2023 10:03

All of the above, plus - show him this thread?

I'm sorry he's a dick but you know it, and only you can change the situation now. I hope you can give him the wake up call he clearly needs, and if he ignores you, make plans to leave him. Good luck Flowers

pointythings · 07/05/2023 10:04

@ShowUs the youngest is two years old. I wouldn't expect a 2 year old to get their own snacks in the morning, that's just ridiculous. All the other incidents were also about the 2 year old. OP's tactics worked, because they were what is advised when parenting 2 year olds. There was no smothering, just good and effective parenting. From one half of the couple, but not the other.