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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Told to leave a group.

574 replies

MobilityCat · 07/05/2023 08:25

I got into trouble at a meeting of people with a common interest. In the beginning, I explained that I had ADHD and asked that if I said anything inappropriate, please tell me, and I'll apologise and stop.
Guess what happened?. I did say something, and instead of telling me to stop, someone challenged my statement, and it went downhill after that.
A lady sitting next to me said that she also had ADHD, but that I should have recognised a line that I should not have crossed.
I told her that I didn't have that ability, I only knew if I got it wrong by the reaction it produced, good or bad.
She told me that wasn't true. She was also prone to inappropriate speech and behaviour but knew what boundaries she shouldn't cross.
Anyway, I was banned from the group, which was hurtful but not unusual. ADHD has cost me friends, jobs, and strained family relationships all my life.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
7
LateAF · 08/05/2023 07:23

nirbil · 08/05/2023 07:19

@LateAF

That doesn't clarify the book club was at work.

Sorry I misunderstood- I’ll tag you in a response to the comment thread where OP seems to confirm the book club is at work.

LateAF · 08/05/2023 07:24

MobilityCat · 07/05/2023 20:41

They had a new book to read each month, then come together to discuss our takeaway on it.

Show quote history

@nirbil I understood this to mean the book club is a group at OPs work place.

Reasonableadjustments · 08/05/2023 07:26

@LateAF I don't read it that way.

I read it that somehow for some reason she was discussing the ethnicity form (which she filled in at work) at a book club.

But to be honest it could be either because the op isn't clear and doesn't answer the questions asked.

LateAF · 08/05/2023 07:27

EveryWitchWaybutLoose · 08/05/2023 07:22

Yes OP wrote this yesterday evening. She still hasn’t confirmed if either of her parents are black despite many posters asking for clarification.

In this case, it really doesn’t matter what colour skin any of her family has. If you’re born in a country in Africa, you are considered African by your fellow Africans.

I think a lot of people in Britain don’t understand this - ignorance of Africa perhaps.

OP described herself as black African for the ethnicity forms at work - hence the relevance of race.

no one is disputing that you can be both white or otherwise and African. We are saying that in the context of ethnicity data forms at work, if OP is not black or does not have a black parent then she is very wrong to identify as ethnically black African in those forms.

nirbil · 08/05/2023 07:31

I understood this to mean the book club is a group at OPs work place.

I don't see it.

It's hard to understand what OP means at all though since the information is mostly garbled.

nirbil · 08/05/2023 07:32

@LateAF

They had a new book to read each month, then come together to discuss our takeaway on it.

You raised this comment by OP which doesn't mention work it explains how a book club operates.

LateAF · 08/05/2023 07:35

nirbil · 08/05/2023 07:31

I understood this to mean the book club is a group at OPs work place.

I don't see it.

It's hard to understand what OP means at all though since the information is mostly garbled.

I guess I see it that way because OPs answer I quoted is in response to another poster asking “How is a book club work?”

But I agree it’s hard to form a clear picture through OPs answers. That said, her opaque communication style has got me way too invested in this thread though 😂

ASimpleLampoon · 08/05/2023 07:37

MobilityCat · 07/05/2023 13:00

To put it into context, for those who asked. As a person of mixed race in a multi racial family, I mentioned that I didn't like the form where I had to describe my racial origin. Since I'm from Africa, I described myself as African, although I'm not a black person as such.

The manager took exception to this and said I'm not African, so I told her she was born in Britain, making her British and I was born in Africa, making me African.

I simply said to the group that if people could choose their pronouns, gender and sensuality, why can't I be African. They became angry and said that I was being racist and told me to go.

Show quote history

So I guess you are not white? Are the people excluding you white/ neurotypical?

nirbil · 08/05/2023 07:46

@LateAF

I really think OP is explaining how the boom club works there, not how it is work. Because even if they were trying to explain how it is work related, they didn't do that.

Reasonableadjustments · 08/05/2023 07:46

@LateAF I don't think she described herself as black African on the form. I think (potentially) that they've used a lazy shorthand and put African when they mean black African?

But I don't know because the op can't answer clearly. (I assume due to her disability)

nirbil · 08/05/2023 07:47

If this book club was work related and an employee was banned that would be a discipline/HR situation, not a simple 'please don't come. Back.

Ponoka7 · 08/05/2023 08:04

A lot of book clubs is as much about the social side, as reading a book. People sit around and chat, examining the book leads to an examination of themselves, their relationships, those around them etc. The OP is difficult to talk to etc so they've wanted her gone.

Tandora · 08/05/2023 08:06

EveryWitchWaybutLoose · 08/05/2023 07:19

Since I'm from Africa, I described myself as African, although I'm not a black person as such.

That’s accurate - I know several (white) Africans, all born in Kenya. And anyone in Kenya knows these people are African. It’s an African thing - if you’re born in any of the countries of Africa, you’re African, no matter what colour your skin.

“African” is not an ethnicity.
the information requested was about ethnicity, and the options available are “black African”, “black African and white mixed” . Alternatively “any other mixed background” would also incorporate a mix including black African.
Taking objection to these categories in the way that OP did is definitely not ok if she is not black (including black mixed).

Tandora · 08/05/2023 08:09

LateAF · 08/05/2023 07:21

I have ADHD too hence my username so I am definitely not being ableist. I and other posters have repeatedly asked OP whether or not she has a black parent and she has consistently avoided the question. What she has provided is multiple references to nationalities (those African countries she mentioned have ethnically diverse populations ), being born in Africa, having a natural tan, and being mixed race but not black.

What she hasn’t done is answer the only question relevant to the “black - African” box she selected on the ethnicity data work form, which is whether she or one of her parents is ethnically black. If the answer to that question is yes, then she is not being unreasonable. But I strongly suspect she is not ethnically black or black mixed race because if she was she’d have confirmed it by now.

Show quote history

This 👆🏻

Necrotic · 08/05/2023 08:17

Sounds like you were deliberately being awkward and looking for an argument to prove a stupid point. The forms are for race, not where you were born … as you know.

JenWillsiam · 08/05/2023 08:46

They are also not white. And I’m aware what she said but in context I bet she is with some absurdly loose connection to Africa.

nirbil · 08/05/2023 08:55

But I don't know because the op can't answer clearly. (I assume due to her disability)

OP has refused to answer basic questions and instead is saying 'posted more info' or 'read the OP' - I think that's is quite deliberate. If OP was simply struggling die to her ADHD to explain then answering questions would be the easy option.

Schroedingersimmigrant · 08/05/2023 09:00

Is this a spin off on thread about DD being portugese or british and no one could fully agree? Because that one was interesting but this one sounds dodgy

Luckypom · 08/05/2023 09:14

@SageRosemary

But people from Northern Ireland are Irish and part of the UK. I don’t understand your point? I think most people know surely (without needing your help to save them embarrassment…). I maybe missed where it was stated that all of Ireland is part of the UK?

Original poster
MobilityCat · 08/05/2023 10:22

Reasonableadjustments · 08/05/2023 07:26

@LateAF I don't read it that way.

I read it that somehow for some reason she was discussing the ethnicity form (which she filled in at work) at a book club.

But to be honest it could be either because the op isn't clear and doesn't answer the questions asked.

You are quite right ,the form was at work and then discussed at the group.

OP posts:
Reasonableadjustments · 08/05/2023 10:25

How on earth did that form that you filled in at work come up in discussion in a book club?

kittensinthekitchen · 08/05/2023 10:29

@LateAF

I can't see where the OP says she ticked a box that said "Black African", just one that said "African". Can you point me to it?

@MobilityCat Did you describe yourself as Black African, or African?
And how did this conversation come up at book club?

Original poster
MobilityCat · 08/05/2023 10:35

LateAF · 08/05/2023 07:27

OP described herself as black African for the ethnicity forms at work - hence the relevance of race.

no one is disputing that you can be both white or otherwise and African. We are saying that in the context of ethnicity data forms at work, if OP is not black or does not have a black parent then she is very wrong to identify as ethnically black African in those forms.

Show quote history

I have nowhere said that I was actually black, just that I put African on the form. I said that I was mixed race. Why do people want to know more personal details? They have nothing to do with it. I might have Asian or Oriental parents and still be African born.

OP posts:
Schroedingersimmigrant · 08/05/2023 10:39

Have to admit I have filled up lots of diversity forms but I don't think I ever had one asking which continent was I botlrn at or giving me an oprion of Asian/European/African and so on.
It was always race or ethnicity

Reasonableadjustments · 08/05/2023 10:40

Schroedingersimmigrant · 08/05/2023 10:39

Have to admit I have filled up lots of diversity forms but I don't think I ever had one asking which continent was I botlrn at or giving me an oprion of Asian/European/African and so on.
It was always race or ethnicity

That's a lot good point