To be sad about grandparents not helping childcare

[ChickenRacer]

Ive heard so many stories about grandparents not wanting to help/be particularly involved with their grandchildren.I understand it’s not all grandparents, but their is a big proportion who just don’t help and support their children when they have small children.

Explanations for this often seem to be that the grandparents did their time parenting and now it’s their time to enjoy life. Which I do understand.

But to me though this seems so sad.

They say it takes a village to raise children - but grandparents are a huge part of many peoples village, so if they aren’t part of the village that’s less support for parents of young children.

This might upset some people, but I also wonder those grandparents that do not feel they want to help with the care of their grandchildren- do they still expect their adult children to care for them in their old age when they themselves need care? Will they pay their children to care for them, as some expect to be paid for caring for their grandchildren?

Please don’t be all upset by this, they are genuine questions.

I have 3 children and for various reasons have ZERO help from grandparents. But I very much hope if I am lucky enough to have grandchildren that I will be able to help my children with them in the best way for them. And I wouldn’t want them to have to care for me in my old age. 🤷‍♀️

Yes when you are looking after your kids that isn't childcare as they are your kids and your responsibility. Anyone else looking after your kids is providing childcare though. FWIW I do childcare for my grandson as well as spend time as a family including grandson but I'm in no expectation that my dc should provide for me in my old age in fact quite the opposite, I shall take myself off to a care home so that their middle aged years aren't blighted.

To be honest it’s not dissimilar to crap parents who don’t want to know their own children- it hurts at the time as the solo parent but the one who didn’t bother but will be the one who regrets it later in life. Absent without good cause grandparents can make every excuse they want for not bothering- when they are older then their children/ grandchildren l won’t want to know. We get out of life what we put in and most things tend to come full circle.

Wow a few typos on there but hopefully clear enough…

My parents were both dead before my DC arrived (they were older parents). My husband’s are great but they are both still working. I agree with what others have said that’s there’s a huge different between expecting regular weekly childcare and being willing to have the kids for the odd weekend / here and there and I’d be really sad if we didn’t hVe the latter but would never expect the former.
Would I expect my kids to care for me in old age ? No I hope they wouldn’t and will focus on their own lives (having had a father with Alzheimer’s it sucks). But I would hope they would keep a general eye !!

I think it's sad if the GPs aren't involved but some are still working etc. And I think asking for several full days each week (as I've seen on MN) is too much.

My mum did 1 day for my DS and one day for my brothers DD. And later when they were both at school they picked them up and took them to dinner. My parents have fond memories of those days. But I wouldn't have accepted more than 1 day per week even if it had been offered.

Taking care of children is childcare.

As I and others have said, it's extremely sad for you and the younger members of your family that you view spending time with them as a tedious obligation equivalent to a job people have to be paid for. Most people look forward to occasional time with family and view it as a joy and a privilege, not a chore. But of course it's entirely your choice to do that, and have distant and superficial relationships. Just don't expect other people to validate it or pretend it's normal. And believe me, children know, so they won't grow up anywhere near as close to their grandparents as those who grandparents regularly spent time on them rather than being entirely focused on endless holidays etc.

We get out of life what we put in and most things tend to come full circle.

Exactly this.

You must see the difference between 'spending time with family' that doesn't require you to change nappies, supervise on the toilet, be constantly vigilant for their safety, be entirely responsible for their entertainment, dress them, prepare, supervise and clean up after their meals, haul about various weighty pieces of equipment and engage in lengthy activity that you may find extremely tedious, and being in sole charge of GC?
While it's possible to enjoy all of the above, there can be no denying its not 'work' or childcare. Have you ever tried suggesting otherwise to a SAHM?

You must see the difference between 'spending time with family' that doesn't require you to change nappies, supervise on the toilet, be constantly vigilant for their safety, be entirely responsible for their entertainment, dress them, prepare, supervise and clean up after their meals, haul about various weighty pieces of equipment and engage in lengthy activity that you may find extremely tedious, and being in sole charge of GC?
While it's possible to enjoy all of the above, there can be no denying its not 'work' or childcare. Have you ever tried suggesting otherwise to a SAHM?

My children are school aged. They don't require any of that, just being fed now and again like any adult guest would.

But no, even when they did need more physical help I wouldn't have described it as "work", I've always thought that is a bizarre way to speak about spending time with your family. I work full time and time with family/ friends is leisure time, not work.

My mum has never spent time with my kids, she watched them once for me for a few hours but that's it. My husbands mum has had them from babies and staying over etc. Recently my mum said I'm not going into a home I'm moving in with you haha I think not mum. She left my dad and me snd my brother had to deal with him shitting himself etc and having dementia.

Here we go again. 🙄

So if your kids don’t require any engagement or planning of activities, why would they go to grandparents? To sit there in silence?

You seem to have work and a ‘job’ confused. No one said spending time with family is work. But caring for them is also work. Pretending it isn’t, is to ignore the definition of the word.

Unless GPs have been fortunate enough to have built up a fantastic pension, most of them will have to work until they're 67 (soon to be 68). And that generation is more likely to have started work at 18 or even younger, as far fewer people went to uni then.

After almost 50 years of graft, I'd be astonished if they still had the energy to care for young children, and see no reason why they should. They're entitled to enjoy their retirement after all those years, and lif ooking after GCs is something they'd enjoy, that's great, but it shouldn't be expected.

I won’t be committing to having grandchildren all day every day to accommodate their parents working. I’d be disappointed if my dc’s expected this of me. Having worked all my
life to provide for my dc’s, I see retirement as a time for being able to relax. I would of course want my grandchildren to visit , have sleepovers etc but purely for the pleasure of them being there, not because it is a commitment I am left with five days a week. Caring for me In my old age is the last thing I’d expect of my dc’s - they’ll have their own lives to live.

So you believe that a SAHPs life involves no work then, and is one of complete leisure?
Its a rather controversial view.
It also seems overly simplistic to describe anything you may enjoy doing as leisure. I find pleasure in my paid employment, it's work nonetheless.
If you think GPs should share the work of rearing their GC, then that's the opinion to defend. Trying to reframe it as a leisure activity is unfair in its lack of recognition of what the role requires.

So if your kids don’t require any engagement or planning of activities, why would they go to grandparents? To sit there in silence?

To spend time with them?! The same reason anybody visits their family or friends. Children aren't aliens, they are just people who happen to be a bit younger than you are.

My children are school aged. They don't require any of that, just being fed now and again like any adult guest would.

I'm pretty sure your children require a lot more input than "just being fed every now and again" 😂

But no, even when they did need more physical help I wouldn't have described it as "work", I've always thought that is a bizarre way to speak about spending time with your family. I work full time and time with family/ friends is leisure time, not work.

So do you not think SAHP's work? What about nannies or babysitters - is that not work either?

Or is it only work when it's not family members doing it?

They can spend time with their grandparents with their parents around.

Time doing what? Spending time with someone isn’t a thing on its own. You spend time together doing something. Chatting, going for a walk, doing an activity. ‘Spending time’ means nothing at all.

If your children don’t require any physical or mental effort from anyone looking after them, what do they spend time together doing?

and no children aren’t just small adults. Do you know nothing about children or brain development? About the differences between children and adults? Developmental stages?

notice you ignored the rest of my post though.

So you believe that a SAHPs life involves no work then, and is one of complete leisure?
Its a rather controversial view.
It also seems overly simplistic to describe anything you may enjoy doing as leisure. I find pleasure in my paid employment, it's work nonetheless.
If you think GPs should share the work of rearing their GC, then that's the opinion to defend. Trying to reframe it as a leisure activity is unfair in its lack of recognition of what the role requires.

For goodness sake. 🙄 Don't try to start the tedious SAHP discussion again, it's been done to death.

Expecting grandparents to rear children?! What an utterly ridiculous thing to say. My parents have been retired since their early 50s, perfectly healthy, go on 5 or 6 holidays per year. They have plenty of time to see their grandchildren if they wished to and no barriers to them doing so. All I've said is it is sad for my children that their grandparents have not once had them to stay over, or spend a day with them, or taken them out anywhere without me. If they had done so one or two times it would hardly qualify as "rearing" them. 🤣🤣 Some of these comments are completely bonkers.

Time doing what? Spending time with someone isn’t a thing on its own. You spend time together doing something. Chatting, going for a walk, doing an activity. ‘Spending time’ means nothing at all.

Oh yes, agree, that sounds hideous. Who'd want to do such awful things with their family? Frightful. <shudder>

You comprehension is appalling.
You said spending time with grandparents. Spending time doing what?

Where did I say spending time with family is awful? But when you spend time with someone you do something. You don’t just sit there in a silent room or is that you what you think would foster a good relationship?

If you spend time with someone you do something. Work is anything that requires mental or physical effort. If a grand parent is in charge of a child, even an older child, they are putting in mental and physical effort.

Parents put in physical or mental effort. Therefore it’s work. Wether it’s something you also enjoy, doesn’t change that it’s work. The fact that you see work as something negative, means nothing. It’s not a negative thing. I love my job, doesn’t mean it’s not work.

You just keep saying ‘they should spend time with them’ and that grandparents should want to be in sole charge of the children. Whilst saying it’s not work.

so how does a grandparent spend time with a child, in sole charge of the child and not engage mentally or physically with them? Because that would make it work.

Good for you if you want to help them when you're older but don't want anything in return. I'm not like you. I have 3 kids, no help from grandparents and make plenty of sacrifices for my own children. I do not begrudge it because I chose to have them. If they go on to have children great but they will be their responsibility not mine. I would be happy to help each child one day a week if needed and I am physically well enough to. Is happily help out on anniversaries etc. I wouldn't want to do anymore than that because I hope dh and I will be able to have time together to put our relationship first again.

It's easy enough to say you intend to help when you are young and fit but thrown in a chronic health condition or two and the fact that you are older and perhaps less fit, have less patience and it isn't easy to run after a toddler.

I'm not expecting my kids to take care of me when old although we are asian so ds may well choose to live with us. I intend to remain independent as long as I can though.

Lol. So when I have my parents to stay here should I consider that work? Hotelier, chef, entertainer, housekeeping service? The huge mental effort of having to speak to them (the horror) or maybe plan the odd trip out for us all or go for a walk with them? Yes, such an imposition, like a paid job!

Or, like most normal people, consider this just normal leisure time with family.

Given the number of mil threads on here, most aren't capable of looking after their DGC

Ain't that the truth. They're manipulative, needy, and over-emotional.
They're intrusive, controlling, and downright interfering. And on top of that, the bastards won't even look after the kids a few days a week.