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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be sad about grandparents not helping childcare

409 replies

ChickenRacer · 07/05/2023 06:58

Ive heard so many stories about grandparents not wanting to help/be particularly involved with their grandchildren.I understand it’s not all grandparents, but their is a big proportion who just don’t help and support their children when they have small children.

Explanations for this often seem to be that the grandparents did their time parenting and now it’s their time to enjoy life. Which I do understand.

But to me though this seems so sad.

They say it takes a village to raise children - but grandparents are a huge part of many peoples village, so if they aren’t part of the village that’s less support for parents of young children.

This might upset some people, but I also wonder those grandparents that do not feel they want to help with the care of their grandchildren- do they still expect their adult children to care for them in their old age when they themselves need care? Will they pay their children to care for them, as some expect to be paid for caring for their grandchildren?

Please don’t be all upset by this, they are genuine questions.

I have 3 children and for various reasons have ZERO help from grandparents. But I very much hope if I am lucky enough to have grandchildren that I will be able to help my children with them in the best way for them. And I wouldn’t want them to have to care for me in my old age. 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
StarryCup · 08/05/2023 12:57

I work 2 afternoons in a charity shop. I enjoy it. I don't get paid because I volunteer, I want to do it, it's rewarding and I'd miss it terribly if I had to stop.
It's also quite hard and tiring work dealing with the stock.

I have recently been offered the vacancy that's arisen for Assistant Manager.
A paid position. I suppose I've been offered it, even in my 60s because I know the ropes and I'm efficient and reliable. It's 6 afternoons a week so I've turned it down. Nobody seems to understand why I'd turn down getting paid for a job I do willingly for free.

Well, it's having the ultimate responsibility, and being knackered 6 times a week instead of 2. I just don't think I have the stamina to keep it up, nor do I want to get used to it. I have other things to do. I think this is all a bit like that.

VestaTilley · 08/05/2023 12:58

YABU. They may still be working, live far away or not be able to help with cost.

All of the above were true for us. I never expected help. It’s perfectly reasonable not to want to - plenty of 60/70 year olds are ill or tired, or want to please themselves. That is fair enough.

MrsSkylerWhite · 08/05/2023 12:59

I care for our young grandchild for one day a week, occasionally two, and the odd overnight, have done so for around a year. We adore him, he’s great fun. I much prefer the time we spend with him when his parents are present too and I’m not solely responsible, though. I’m nearly 60, my husband nearly 65. We’ve been parenting for nearly 30 years (youngest still at home) and we’re tired and looking forward to some time for us when we’re both retired. A one and two year olds are hard work, however loved they are, and I shan’t be sorry when I no longer have sole responsibility on a regular basis. We are a close family and shall see them as regularly, just with mum and dad around too.

in answer to your question, we absolutely do not expect our children to care for us in old age. Quite the opposite, would dislike it intensely and have planned accordingly. That’s not why we had children!

Mary46 · 08/05/2023 13:04

Your right not fair to feel entitled to help. My mam in 60s when mine born. But really hard when I had hospital apts and had ask a neighbour. That makes u fed up you no family help. Thank god my kids older now so i dont need help.

IBlinkThereforeIAm · 08/05/2023 13:30

You haven’t been able to answer how a grandparent can look after a grandchild and not expend any energy. Plenty of grandparents simply can not or do not want to expend energy in that way. They don’t want to be in sole charge a grandchild.

I haven't answered it because I never said it didn't involve using any energy, so it was a false question. Quite the opposite: I pointed out that anythinf worth doing involves expending some mental or physical energy, even breathing and running your brain and bodily functions. It's a false and ridiculous argument.

Your second sentence is the point. All of these excuses when the reality is these people do not bother with their families because they don't want to. So just own that.

The only person implying work means not enjoyable or not worth doing, is you.

I didn't say that either. Lots of people enjoy their work. That doesn't mean that all leisure activities are also work because they involve some mental or physical energy.

Looking after children is tiring. Especially, if you are elderly.

Often as people get older they find things more difficult. Mentally and physically. They may enjoy an activity but also acknowledge they can’t do it in the way they would like to. My Dad loves walking. He realises he can not do a week full of walks he likes anymore. He needs rest days in between. He enjoys it. But knows he can’t do what he used to. If I had young children, he probably wouldn’t cope that well at looking after a toddler. He would find it exhausting. He may not want to them spend the next day recovering because he has a walk planned later in the week. Does mean he wouldn’t also enjoy looking after one of my children.

Oh dear. Again, you are projecting. I have spoken about the issues with my children's grandparents. I can only give opinions on that.

As I said, I am a lone parent. I also have a disability, as I said, which means I am in chronic pain and often completely housebound. I am far more exhausted than they are. I stated clearly that my parents are in far better physical health than me. They are perfectly able to go for walks, off on holidays, do pilates and tennis and any other number of things. So yes, excuses about how hard it would be for them to spend a couple of hours with their grandchildren even once or twice in their lives are a bit ridiculous. As you admitted in the end, it's simply because they can't be bothered to and are completely wrapped up in themselves and utterly selfish. I can't imagine ever treating family in that way when I was perfectly capable of having a close relationship, treating my grandchildren as an inconvenience and not wishing to help my disabled child, ever, for even a couple of hours to have a break while I sit at a table and play a board game with my grandchildren or take them out for a meal or whatever. You'd have to be extremely self-centred and have no concept of family to think that's ok, especially with children who were struggling with their lack of a father and would have benefitted hugely from having strong family relationships. But there you go.

The only Person saying that if you acknowledge that spending time with family involves work and therefore they don’t like doing it, is you.

Huh? That's my whole point. It's weird for people to think it is "work" to spend time with their family and yes, they should instead simply acknowledge that they don't like doing it, they do not have a proper concept of what a family is and they prefer to be totally selfish and not build relationships with other family members, rather than trying to pretend that the rest of the family is weird for wanting them to actually engage in it.

You still can’t explain how you spend time with family and not expend any mental or physical effort. Doing that sounds absolutely dire. Either you spend time with people without interacting or doing anything with them, or you simply can’t admit you are wrong in your definition of ‘work’ People spend time together by doing things together. So therefore is work.

So fucked up. Of course all things use either mental or physical energy. Why you think this automatically makes it a huge chore or imposition is beyond me. All worthwhile things in life require effort, including family relationships.

Your, made up, definition isn’t relevant because it’s incorrect.

???

a sad way to live would be spending time in the vicinity of people but not interacting or doing anything with them at all.

Well, indeed. That's my point.

Beenalongwinter · 08/05/2023 14:32

IBlinkThereforeIAm · 08/05/2023 11:17

Lol. So when I have my parents to stay here should I consider that work? Hotelier, chef, entertainer, housekeeping service? The huge mental effort of having to speak to them (the horror) or maybe plan the odd trip out for us all or go for a walk with them? Yes, such an imposition, like a paid job!

Or, like most normal people, consider this just normal leisure time with family.

This post made me smile .
My husband is of the opinion that my efforts to cook lovely meals for visiting family is leisure and enjoyable because I once said I enjoy cooking and I appear to the enjoy buying things for the house and making it all things "hygge", he absolutely has no idea about the amount of work involved when he invites guests for the weekend.
I have now clarified I see the tasks as work and NO i will not cook Sunday lunch for 12 or change 4 beds and cook a full English for breakfast without consultation.
Poor DH just assumed I enjoyed it!

IBlinkThereforeIAm · 08/05/2023 14:37

Perhaps I should take a similar line @Beenalongwinter when I host my family of 9 here. The disabled person doing all the cooking and making up the beds and hosting them, without a husband around either I might add. And none of them ever lifting a finger to do anything with my children. Maybe I'm the one that's wrong and I should tell them all it's a huge imposition and family is an optional "work" I can't be bothered with. I guess we should scrap Christmas and birthday celebrations too while we're at it. So much work, all that physical and mental energy. Who'd do all of that adult social care out of choice?

IBlinkThereforeIAm · 08/05/2023 14:40

Far too exhausting. Ooooh the energy. So entitled for them to expect, I must set them straight and refuse any future visits.

Beenalongwinter · 08/05/2023 14:42

IBlinkThereforeIAm · 08/05/2023 14:37

Perhaps I should take a similar line @Beenalongwinter when I host my family of 9 here. The disabled person doing all the cooking and making up the beds and hosting them, without a husband around either I might add. And none of them ever lifting a finger to do anything with my children. Maybe I'm the one that's wrong and I should tell them all it's a huge imposition and family is an optional "work" I can't be bothered with. I guess we should scrap Christmas and birthday celebrations too while we're at it. So much work, all that physical and mental energy. Who'd do all of that adult social care out of choice?

I hope your efforts are appreciated. If I visit my grown up nieces and nephews I generally take a home made lasagna and a pudding and i like to help them with heavy gardening jobs, we take the tools and also take the garden waste home . When we leave I strip the bed and while we are guests I take them Out for a meal or offer to order and pay for a takeaway.

It all sounds one way In your house and most unfair.

IBlinkThereforeIAm · 08/05/2023 14:45

@Beenalongwinter that sounds really lovely and thoughtful. Sadly nothing like that goes on here. It is all completely one way.

FourTeaFallOut · 08/05/2023 14:52

I'm hoping to be able to be an active grandparent when my children have families. Health and location are the biggest barriers, I suppose.

We didn't have much family support because of the above and I suppose that has made things harder than it otherwise would have been.

At the same time, I don't expect to pull a full time shift and mirror my children's working week with childcare. I saw so many knackered out grandparents at playgroups when my kids were toddlers and I don't think that's fair.

Lcb123 · 08/05/2023 15:03

We don’t have kids yet but if it does happen, I would never expect anything from GPs. If they do chose to help, great. If not, it’s mine and DH choice to have kids and we have to pay for childcare.

Effieswig · 08/05/2023 15:16

IBlinkThereforeIAm · 08/05/2023 13:30

You haven’t been able to answer how a grandparent can look after a grandchild and not expend any energy. Plenty of grandparents simply can not or do not want to expend energy in that way. They don’t want to be in sole charge a grandchild.

I haven't answered it because I never said it didn't involve using any energy, so it was a false question. Quite the opposite: I pointed out that anythinf worth doing involves expending some mental or physical energy, even breathing and running your brain and bodily functions. It's a false and ridiculous argument.

Your second sentence is the point. All of these excuses when the reality is these people do not bother with their families because they don't want to. So just own that.

The only person implying work means not enjoyable or not worth doing, is you.

I didn't say that either. Lots of people enjoy their work. That doesn't mean that all leisure activities are also work because they involve some mental or physical energy.

Looking after children is tiring. Especially, if you are elderly.

Often as people get older they find things more difficult. Mentally and physically. They may enjoy an activity but also acknowledge they can’t do it in the way they would like to. My Dad loves walking. He realises he can not do a week full of walks he likes anymore. He needs rest days in between. He enjoys it. But knows he can’t do what he used to. If I had young children, he probably wouldn’t cope that well at looking after a toddler. He would find it exhausting. He may not want to them spend the next day recovering because he has a walk planned later in the week. Does mean he wouldn’t also enjoy looking after one of my children.

Oh dear. Again, you are projecting. I have spoken about the issues with my children's grandparents. I can only give opinions on that.

As I said, I am a lone parent. I also have a disability, as I said, which means I am in chronic pain and often completely housebound. I am far more exhausted than they are. I stated clearly that my parents are in far better physical health than me. They are perfectly able to go for walks, off on holidays, do pilates and tennis and any other number of things. So yes, excuses about how hard it would be for them to spend a couple of hours with their grandchildren even once or twice in their lives are a bit ridiculous. As you admitted in the end, it's simply because they can't be bothered to and are completely wrapped up in themselves and utterly selfish. I can't imagine ever treating family in that way when I was perfectly capable of having a close relationship, treating my grandchildren as an inconvenience and not wishing to help my disabled child, ever, for even a couple of hours to have a break while I sit at a table and play a board game with my grandchildren or take them out for a meal or whatever. You'd have to be extremely self-centred and have no concept of family to think that's ok, especially with children who were struggling with their lack of a father and would have benefitted hugely from having strong family relationships. But there you go.

The only Person saying that if you acknowledge that spending time with family involves work and therefore they don’t like doing it, is you.

Huh? That's my whole point. It's weird for people to think it is "work" to spend time with their family and yes, they should instead simply acknowledge that they don't like doing it, they do not have a proper concept of what a family is and they prefer to be totally selfish and not build relationships with other family members, rather than trying to pretend that the rest of the family is weird for wanting them to actually engage in it.

You still can’t explain how you spend time with family and not expend any mental or physical effort. Doing that sounds absolutely dire. Either you spend time with people without interacting or doing anything with them, or you simply can’t admit you are wrong in your definition of ‘work’ People spend time together by doing things together. So therefore is work.

So fucked up. Of course all things use either mental or physical energy. Why you think this automatically makes it a huge chore or imposition is beyond me. All worthwhile things in life require effort, including family relationships.

Your, made up, definition isn’t relevant because it’s incorrect.

???

a sad way to live would be spending time in the vicinity of people but not interacting or doing anything with them at all.

Well, indeed. That's my point.

You basically don’t have a point.

whilst bemoaning all the work you do when you have visitors, you claim it’s not work. Because you enjoy it. Although it’s doesn’t sound like you do to be honest.

The conversation started because you don’t know what the word work means. Which you don’t. You said grandparents shouldn’t find looking after grandchildren because you have a made up definition of what work is.

I didn’t say your parents are selfish. People choose how they expend energy. And yours don’t choose to use their energy to be in Sole charge of your children. You think they are selfish. And yet despite being a single parent, with chronic pain condition you insist you feel enjoyment hosting your selfish parents, when you and your kids appear to get nothing out of it. Why would you enjoy doing that whilst saying you think the way they treat their family members (you and your kids) badly because they won’t look after your children.

Sounds like loads of fun!

No one said good things aren’t worth effort. However, not everyone has or wants to use the energy to do things we think they should. Or that we think they should find enjoyable.

You obvious get something out of their visits. The kids get something out of their visits, because why else would you do it?

and the definition of work is something that uses mental or physical energy. So if you agree things take mental or physical energy. You agree it’s work. Which was the original point. It is work. Work your family choose not to take on. Again, enjoyment doesn’t change wether something is work or not.

Your parents visiting, is hard work. You put a lot of energy into it, to your own detriment. But you also claim to enjoy it.

I didn’t say all people see babysitting their grandchildren as in imposition. Even if they also find it hard work plenty don’t see it as an imposition. Not sure why you keep making that up. Plenty of grandparents willingly do it, enjoy it AND find it hard work. It’s not one or the other. It’s not enjoy it or find it hard work.

You clearly have a stance that grandparents should only be one way. They should look after the kids at least occasionally, they must enjoy it and they should not find it tiring or hard work. That’s not realistic.

If I look at my life, work is hard work and enjoyable. Going to the gym is hard work and enjoyable. Leaving work, driving to pick my dd up from Uni so she can spend a weekend with me and ds is tiring but also something I am happy to do. Helping my disabled son with his homework, is hard work and something I enjoy doing. Decorating my home, is hard work and something I find enjoyable.

BiddyPop · 08/05/2023 15:18

My DGPs weren't available to help on a regular basis as they lived hours away. There were occasional (I e rare) times when 1 or maybe 2 of the 6 would get to visit them. And I recall 1 week when my DPs went away and 2 DAunts came down to mind 5 with #6 (toddler) going to a friends house.

In my case, DGPs all live hours away. 2 we're working and the other 2 had busy lives with commitments that meant they weren't available regularly. But they have done occasional weekends and even come and covered a couple of times when both DH and my travel unavoidably clashed and we both had to be away the same night. (Usually we managed to juggle that 1 parent was there when dd went to bed and we had a couple of hours overlap middle of the night before that one left and the other parent was there when dd woke up in the morning.)

But we had always expected to use paid childcare and it never occurred to us that we were unusual.

BiddyPop · 08/05/2023 15:21

There is a greater expectation for help on 1 side than the other at present for elderly parents, but it's only a matter of time.

But there is also an expectation on 1 side that they will stay home and they have the funds to support that. So I am encouraging getting things in place early and building relationships and routines now.

On the other side, who knows. There would be more need to actively support due to less money available, but there are more people locally to the parent to help.

But as both DH and I are the eldest, there is a weight of expectation to organise and to do things on us more so than siblings.

Yogazmum · 08/05/2023 15:29

My parents made a point of telling my siblings and I that they wouldn’t be committing to childcare help when we announced pregnancies.
MIL helps us out randomly (DH and I both work shifts but try to work opposites so we can manage childcare between us)
When my parents have stepped in to help occasionally, I get reminded about how exhausting it is for them which I totally get. DS is a typical boy with activities that are physical and outdoors.
I don’t understand why a lot of people feel they are entitled to childcare from GP/parents. I had a discussion with an ex friend years ago about this as she was so aggrieved that her mum wouldn’t ‘want’ to help by having 2 small boys 3-4 days a week 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️ and regularly over the weekends so her and her DH could have alone time 🙄

MenoRageisReal · 08/05/2023 17:09

RegainingTheWill2023 · 07/05/2023 07:18

What you are actually promoting is that women who spend their younger years putting their lives and careers on hold to rase children, should then do the same a few years later to provide childcare for their grandchildren whilst also caring for their own aging parents ....
Retirement age is 67. How are women supposed to do all this?
And of course its down to women. All these caring commitments mean their earning potential would continue to lag way behind men so it's inevitable.
The answer is affordable childcare and adequate state funded care for the elderly.

Well said 👏

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 08/05/2023 17:59

IBlinkThereforeIAm · 08/05/2023 14:37

Perhaps I should take a similar line @Beenalongwinter when I host my family of 9 here. The disabled person doing all the cooking and making up the beds and hosting them, without a husband around either I might add. And none of them ever lifting a finger to do anything with my children. Maybe I'm the one that's wrong and I should tell them all it's a huge imposition and family is an optional "work" I can't be bothered with. I guess we should scrap Christmas and birthday celebrations too while we're at it. So much work, all that physical and mental energy. Who'd do all of that adult social care out of choice?

Why do you do it, then?

I certainly wouldn't bother in your position.

IBlinkThereforeIAm · 08/05/2023 18:08

You clearly have a stance that grandparents should only be one way. They should look after the kids at least occasionally, they must enjoy it and they should not find it tiring or hard work. That’s not realistic.

This and the rest of your post are utterly ridiculous given I've told you I host them, cook for them, have them to stay every Christmas, take them out for their birthdays, etc and they have never, even once looked after my children even for a couple of hours. In 7 years. Ever. Yet apparently I think the relationship should be "one way" with them doing things for me? Okay then. 🤣 Stop it now. You're embarrassing yourself.

IBlinkThereforeIAm · 08/05/2023 18:12

Why do you do it, then?

Because I'm not a selfish twat and I actually care about family, even when they are people who have proved themselves to be incredibly selfish and don't deserve it.

I certainly wouldn't bother in your position.

Based on your posts you wouldn't bother in any situation so that's not a great measuring stick, tbh.

IBlinkThereforeIAm · 08/05/2023 18:20

People choose how they expend energy.

And this is exactly what I mean. It betrays a complete lack of any basic understanding of what the word "family" means, if someone thinks it's fine to justify to themselves hurting the feelings of young children in their family, making no effort whatsoever for anybody else, never doing anything that (shock, horror) might require a tiny bit of effort on their part because why should they put themselves out? Basically treating their own family with less consideration and care and effort than most people would spend on an acquaintance, let alone a friend. What a sad, selfish and isolating way to look at the world, which will inevitably come around to bite them on the arse in time.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 08/05/2023 18:20

IBlinkThereforeIAm · 08/05/2023 18:12

Why do you do it, then?

Because I'm not a selfish twat and I actually care about family, even when they are people who have proved themselves to be incredibly selfish and don't deserve it.

I certainly wouldn't bother in your position.

Based on your posts you wouldn't bother in any situation so that's not a great measuring stick, tbh.

Constantly putting yourself out for people who can't be bothered to do the same for you isn't going to win you any prizes. In fact, all it's doing is making you seethe with resentment.

And no, I wouldn't waste my time on people who clearly don't give a shit about me - I'm worth more than that.

Resembleflower · 08/05/2023 18:20

My parents are divorced. My dad doesn’t bother with me so no contact with my kids. My mum never worked her mum looked after my and my siblings all the time. My kids are late teens my mum does nothing even when I’ve been hospitalised.

my sister now has kids and my mum does everything for her. I know said sister is expecting to share our mums care.

In laws are fab but are aboard. They were straight on a plane when I was in hospital.

IBlinkThereforeIAm · 08/05/2023 18:22

And no, I wouldn't waste my time on people who clearly don't give a shit about me - I'm worth more than that.

Based on your posts you wouldn't waste your time" on anybody whether they give a shit about you or not. 😆

Crazycrazylady · 08/05/2023 18:22

GeeHDees · 07/05/2023 07:15

I think it depends what your expectations are. I'd be sad if my children never saw or didn't have a relationship with their grandparents, but I wouldn't expect them to do routine childcare (help in genuine emergencies would be great though).

do they still expect their adult children to care for them in their old age when they themselves need care? Will they pay their children to care for them, as some expect to be paid for caring for their grandchildren?

I find this a very odd emotional blackmail type question and probably demonstrates the expectations you have.

I agree.
What a horrible attitude. My parents worked very hard to support us when we were kids and give us every opportunity . They're older now and not that interested in small kids so according to some on here that means I don't need to give them any support in old age.

I think getting help is nice but it absolutely shouldn't be an expectation from anyone. People need to think about all of this before they decide to have kids