To be sad about grandparents not helping childcare

[ChickenRacer]

Ive heard so many stories about grandparents not wanting to help/be particularly involved with their grandchildren.I understand it’s not all grandparents, but their is a big proportion who just don’t help and support their children when they have small children.

Explanations for this often seem to be that the grandparents did their time parenting and now it’s their time to enjoy life. Which I do understand.

But to me though this seems so sad.

They say it takes a village to raise children - but grandparents are a huge part of many peoples village, so if they aren’t part of the village that’s less support for parents of young children.

This might upset some people, but I also wonder those grandparents that do not feel they want to help with the care of their grandchildren- do they still expect their adult children to care for them in their old age when they themselves need care? Will they pay their children to care for them, as some expect to be paid for caring for their grandchildren?

Please don’t be all upset by this, they are genuine questions.

I have 3 children and for various reasons have ZERO help from grandparents. But I very much hope if I am lucky enough to have grandchildren that I will be able to help my children with them in the best way for them. And I wouldn’t want them to have to care for me in my old age. 🤷‍♀️

I look at most of the friends in our circle and most have support and a fair few seem to have parents pretty much co-parenting their kids. Some manage to almost maintain their pre-child lifestyles! While I am very envious at times (okay, all the time!), I do often wonder, when their folks get too old, sick & need caring for - will they be as selfless and generous with their time?

I'm not the unhappy one repeatedly bitching about my family and calling them selfish and undeserving, lol.

I waste my time on people who care about me and who treat me decently - life is too short to spend it worrying over people who don't give a shit - family or otherwise.

I waste my time on people who care about me and who treat me decently

Clearly not, based on your posts. You don't want to "waste your time" on anybody. So don't. If you believe family is a "waste of time" then I'm not sure anybody can help you.

I never once said "I don't want to waste my time on anybody" or "family is a waste of time".

Stop making shit up.

What? I didn’t say one way as in a one way relationship.

You have a fixed idea of what grandparents should be. And that is the only right way. And anything outside that is selfish.

Oh and making yourself ill, putting yourself out massively for people who (you feel treat you portly) isn’t selfless. You are either deluding yourself and you do get something out of it. Or you are playing the martyr. People don’t keep doing something that harms them over and over if they aren’t getting anything out of it.

I look after my Dad. My gain is knowing he is ok, spending his last few years making sure he knows I care and he is loved, spending time with him because he won’t always be there and I won’t always be able to sit and chat with him.

Putting your own, significant, needs (especially health needs) ahead of people who don’t do anything in return isn’t a sign of a good person. It’s a sign of someone with poor boundaries.

What? I didn’t say one way as in a one way relationship.

"You clearly have a stance that grandparents should only be one way."

Okaaaay. 😆😆😆

Yes that’s what I said?

where did I say you think it should be a one way relationships. You think grandparents should only be a certain way. One way.

Not sure what’s so difficult to understand really. Since you only clipped one part of the sentence, to avoid the context I put in it. I will assume you know exactly what I was saying.

But you have shown you keep making things up along this thread, so not sure why I would be surprised.

YY @fitzwilliamdarcy ive said this before but the village lot only want the rosy stuff Rarely do they like it when you tell their child off for running around a coffee shop

The grandmother in question perhaps didn't realize that babysitting fulltime for one child would use up all her reserves leaving her empty when her younger kids needed help. So, on the issue of grandma not helping with Littlewhitecat's children, I don't fault her there. But what the grandmother seems to have done here is given loads of help to the oldest son, none to her daughter, but yet expects her daughter to make large sacrifices to help her, and treats the daughter's inability to do so, as a moral failure on the daughter's part. This is not fair to Littlewhitecat, I think that's the main point here.

I think it stems from the unexamined social value that the daughters in a family are by default, the subordinates and servants of anyone in the family who is male and/or older. This, in turn, is, IMO, one aspect of the unexamined social value that the women in a family are, by default, the servants of anyone who is male and/or older . In other words, the belief that grandparents should babysit their grandchildren kinda stems from the same idea (notice how Little's mother babysat for her son but not for her daughter). Because, let's face it, when we suggest that grandparents should babysit their grandkids, we almost always mean grandmothers, even if we claim that we mean both grandfathers and grandmothers.

Summary: let's re-examine the whole value of putting women lowest on the hierarchy of whose needs should be considered. No fair expecting grandmas to wear themselves out in their last healthy years chasing after toddlers. By the same token, no fair expecting adult daughters to exhaust themselves taking care of elderly parents at the same time as we're raising young children. Find another way.

There’s such a big difference between expecting full time childcare for multiple days every week and being appreciative of some occasional babysitting, help in the school hols etc.

We don’t get any help with childcare. When they’re visiting us, it’s like having extra kids/responsibility requiring catering and entertainment!! 🤦🏼‍♀️

Super jealous of friends who get lots of help from grandparents.

This past weekend we were watching a tv show with MIL. It showed relatives visiting a family member in a nursing home. MIL piped up very loudly “don’t ever put me in one of those”. DH and I kept watching and pretended not to hear 😂 Fuck that!! Not my problem now or in future. I’ll be busy with my future grandchildren 🥰

My DSs are in their teens, and I already can't imagine looking after babies/toddlers. I'm beyond that stage and have absolutely no desire to return there.

How will I feel as a GM? I'm not entirely sure. I'd like to help out, but I certainly wouldn't want to go through another phase of being tied down. Once with my own DC was enough, quite frankly. Perhaps when they're school age and more independent I would feel differently.

But then again I received no help when mine were younger because I was too far away. And I do help my DM now who is disabled (has carers coming in but still needs extra help sometimes).

But I'll be front row for their sports or other activities to support and cheer them on, just as I am for my DC.

I find the linking of how much childcare GP provide with how much care people intend to offer their parents in their old age not only distasteful but so divorced from reality as to be ridiculous. Those gleefully imagining their revenge will likely find when they get there it looks nothing like they imagine.
If older people need care then their children either do it themselves or they go into a home. Decisions on this in reality depend on various factors including the level of care needed, as often its beyond relatives anyway, and a home is not a punishment but the most appropriate option; others weigh up the cost of helping out with the loss of their inheritance in fees, and muddle through with their eye on the prize.
Far more older people die without ever needing much more than someone to call in an emergency and the occasional assistance if they're ill etc.
If that person has been a good parent, (which they have, of course, or you wouldn't want them looking after your children anyway), I'd have though a few errands and some general oversight were the least they deserved in return for that, even if they didn't offer free childcare/babysitting services.

By the same token, no fair expecting adult daughters to exhaust themselves taking care of elderly parents at the same time as we're raising young children. Find another way.

How many mothers of young children are caring for elderly parents? Their mothers must have been on the verge of menopause, when they had the daughter?

Take DH - MIL had him at 32. We had first DC when he was 28. MIL was 60 - that’s middle aged. She was not an elderly parent; and she didn’t need care really until her mid 80s. She’s just died at 96 and DH is 64 - she was really frail, the last 2 years of her life after breaking her hip. That was when she needed the most care from SIL and DH - and when we had grandchildren.

It’s far more exhausting to provide care to 3 generations in your late 50s or early 60s, than it is for young daughters in their 30s or 40s to provide care to 2 generations.

We are middle aged and we are the sandwich generation. We see everyone we know still supporting grown up DC, providing care for elderly parents and helping with grandchildren, IF they have arrived.

We are middle aged and we are the sandwich generation. We see everyone we know still supporting grown up DC, providing care for elderly parents and helping with grandchildren, IF they have arrived

I can add one more level to that. As well as 90+ year old pils, we also provide substantial assistance to my brother who is disabled and significantly older than me, and lives alone as never married, and my disabled dd. Some people are providing support for four generations.
Not me, as I don't yet have grandchildren. . . .but there's not much room on my calendar currently.

I won’t be helping my mum and dad after they both choose not to help me even when I was ill and in hospital. Multiple times, I invite and try to involve her and my dad (they are divorced) neither are at all interested. They have minimal interest and contact with my teens. Mum dies a lot for my sisters kids now though, primary aged. I’m so jealous of the grandparents most of my friends have.

I will be living my life and hopefully being an involved parent to my kids and maybe grandkids!

Does not dies. And actually I’m jealous of the grandparent my sisters kids have!

Yes that’s what I said?

Exactly. So no point pretending otherwise.

If you need to lie about what people wrote to make a point, you don’t have a point.

do they still expect their adult children to care for them in their old age when they themselves need care? Will they pay their children to care for them, as some expect to be paid for caring for their grandchildren?

Well, you can choose between helping them out and getting a larger inheritance or not helping them out and getting bugger all.

My mum had my DS a day a week when I was working full time (on maternity leave with second DS now), but she will have both boys 2 days a week when I’m back at work. She lives 110 miles away, but my company has an office in the same town so it works for us to drive down and stay there a day a week. She adores having them takes them for days out, bought extra car seats for her own car, has a stroller at her house for them etc.

MIL lives on the next street to us, appx 90 second drive, and won’t help unless we pay her. Not just a regular weekly help, but whenever she babysits she expects a taxi or a lift each way (refuses to walk), a takeaway, a caddy full of chocolate and snacks, and a thank you gift the next day (She will ring DH and ask “where’s my flowers/where’s my chocolates/you can get me XYZ as a thanks for yesterday”. Has never taken them out, even to the local park, and won’t have them at her house, it always has to be ours. Yet showers them with unnecessary plastic tat every week.

I’d say both sets of grandparents love the DGC equally but show it in different ways I guess

Not everyone will need carers in old age, the majority won't. So it's not something you can hold over someone's head. It just means your inheritance will reduce to nothing if they are needed.

70% of elderly people need care. The average age of a person needing carers for the first time is 84. The majority don't live healthy, mobile lives then drop dead at 80/90. They get weaker, less mobile, have falls. They stop being able to drive, go out alone, shop/cook for themselves. They might get confused and need support to get to appointments or sort out their medication. I work as a carer for people in their own homes. Some people become very ill and frail and need full time care, but many more just need some support to handle daily living.

Do you have the details of that study?

Just to add. Most of the people I look after also have family assistance. Unless you have such a poor relationship with your family that you've gone minimal contact, caring for them creeps up on you. Very often it's started when you persuade them to get a lifeline for your peace of mind. Then they have a fall and you get a call saying can you go and help. Or if you're down as next of kin you'll visit in hospital, and if you don't want or aren't able to help them when they are discharged, you need to arrange care for them (or convince them they need care) You might find they are offered emergency carers, but that they don't cover nights, or they aren't responsible for getting groceries in. Who does the laundry and housework when your family member is recovering from a hip replacement or ulcerated legs? Even if next of kin can't physically get involved, they normally have to sort something out, or be prepared to explain to adult social services that they are unable to help (and they tend to note it down as unwilling) You'd have to be pretty hard hearted to refuse any support at all, unless your parent was abusive or particularly difficult.