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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He called his ex when drunk

404 replies

confuseddotcom201 · 06/05/2023 11:44

My partner went out and had a few too many.
When he got home I heard him on the phone telling someone he thought of them every single day.
He also said he missed them and something about a holiday.
I snooped on his phone this morning and it was his ex.
Aibu to think he still has feelings for her? They split properly 4 months ago but I think things were rocky for a bit before that.

OP posts:
happypoobum · 06/05/2023 13:33

From what you’ve written, if his ex clicked her fingers, you wouldn’t see him for dust.

I am guessing you have a history of shitty relationships and are grateful for any interest? Honestly though, you are worth more than this.

Chickychoccyegg · 06/05/2023 13:34

Your dc shouldn't even know this man exists at this stage.
I find it hard to believe this is real.
If it is...give yourself a shake woman!

ThickSkinnedSoWhat · 06/05/2023 13:36

confuseddotcom201 · 06/05/2023 11:59

We are long distance so only see each other once or twice a month. That's why he's looking to move to where I am and financially it makes sense for him to move in.

It won't really make sense financially when you break up within weeks and he is homeless. Though given you're referring to someone you see once or twice a month, for four months a partner...

TooBigForMyBoots · 06/05/2023 13:37

Seriously?

ThickSkinnedSoWhat · 06/05/2023 13:37

confuseddotcom201 · 06/05/2023 12:22

I do have children. He's really good with them. That's why I think he's not using me as he's happy to take my kids on.

God almighty it gets worse. This is vile.

Thoughtful2355 · 06/05/2023 13:38

So your the OW then 🤣🤣

Yes he is still into her. She's his "love"

misssunshine4040 · 06/05/2023 13:38

confuseddotcom201 · 06/05/2023 12:55

I suppose I'm a little insecure about their relationship.
I feel I can't offer much due to having kids. They were child free so had money and freedom to do lots of things together.
I think that's what he misses not her particularly.

You know you are telling yourself whatever lessens the pain.
You know why he called her and why he said what he said.
Stop lying to yourself.

Squidger45 · 06/05/2023 13:39

confuseddotcom201 · 06/05/2023 12:15

Tbh we've been talking for 6 months but didn't get together until he split with her. I know it sounds bad.

You're getting the same answer from everyone but don't seem to want to hear it, you're making excuses to try and justify it in the face of overwhelming opinion to the contrary.

Nobody is going to say 'it was clearly a mistake OP and you're his one and only' ... so I'm not quite sure what you are seeking here?

misssunshine4040 · 06/05/2023 13:39

And by the way, you are not second rate or less worthy because you have children.
No one should "taking your kids on"
Have some dignity and treat your children with some respect and value them more than some guy and your low self worth

Thoughtful2355 · 06/05/2023 13:39

Haha wait, you've been together max 4 months... But only see eachother few times a month... But he's looking at cocklodging with you and your kids so he can "see" you more ... 🤣🤣🤣 Oh this gets better.

You were definitely the ow

OlympicProcrastinator · 06/05/2023 13:40

confuseddotcom201 · 06/05/2023 11:53

No not living together yet. He's looking for a job where I live before he moves in. Just wanted to know was it just the drink talking or was there some truth in what he told her. If I ask him he will probably blame it on the drink as he rarely drinks alcohol.

What the hell? How can you be so blasé about this? Why would you even consider continuing this relationship let alone move in with him?

Pick your self respect and dignity up off the floor before you end up getting really hurt further down the road.

polkadotdalmation · 06/05/2023 13:41

That would be me done. Tell him to come back to talk to you when he sorts his feelings out.

polkadotdalmation · 06/05/2023 13:43

Do you actually believe, OP that someone takes over your thought process when you are drunk? Grow up.

OlympicProcrastinator · 06/05/2023 13:43

polkadotdalmation · 06/05/2023 13:41

That would be me done. Tell him to come back to talk to you when he sorts his feelings out.

Or not….

Ihaveshitfriends · 06/05/2023 13:43

I forgave something like this but the feeling of being second best never left me. I have no self confidence and our relationship is empty and completely devoid of love. I’m only here for the kids. You have a choice.

Chchchchchangesss · 06/05/2023 13:46

confuseddotcom201 · 06/05/2023 12:22

I do have children. He's really good with them. That's why I think he's not using me as he's happy to take my kids on.

How has he even met your kids!?!!?

You're being so irresponsible.

CarpetSlipper · 06/05/2023 13:50

So he was in a relationship when you and him started “talking” and his ex has blocked him after he phoned her to say he missed her?
Highly likely she ended it when she found out about him cheating. Do you really want to be in a relationship with this man?

Original poster
confuseddotcom201 · 06/05/2023 13:56

I didn't even know she existed when I was first talking to him. He said she was a friend.
And yes I think she found out we were getting friendly and dumped him.

OP posts:
ClementWeatherToday · 06/05/2023 13:57

I suppose I'm a little insecure about their relationship.
I feel I can't offer much due to having kids. They were child free so had money and freedom to do lots of things together.
I think that's what he misses not her particularly.

Stop trying to make excuses. This has disaster written all over it. If you truly believe the above then break up with him. (Break up with him regardless, obviously!)

Please, please don't allow a man you've known less than 18 months, and been "dating" for four months (but only seeing one another once or twice a month) to move in to your children's home. Please.

randomusername2020 · 06/05/2023 13:58

This reply has been withdrawn

Removed at poster's request due to privacy concerns.

imnotsadyouresad · 06/05/2023 13:58

OP, you said you were friends first, which is why you are inclined to trust him and think he is taking care of you - I mean, we don't choose friends we don't like.

You say you feel like he treats you well and isn't using you - well, maybe that's true. Consciously, anyway.

It's entirely possible for someone to confidently declare themselves over an ex, and believe they've over an ex, whilst still having feelings for them. When we leave a relationship, we want to think we've done the right thing so it doesn't hurt as much. Denial is quite a common state of mind in the healing process.

People do not make shit up when they're drunk. They're just more honest. Maybe he didn't want to think he wasn't over his ex yet, but now you know the truth: he isn't over her yet. Not fully.

You've been talking whilst they've been together... they were together, so those words were a fantasy. You've been actually dating a couple times a month for 4 months... so, let's face it, your 'relationship' is about a week and a half old. It's still early days.

I suggest you break things off now whilst you can preserve the friendship. He needs some time to not date anyone, and ideally, to not talk to you.

Maybe in six months' time you pick things up again and you're back to where you were. Maybe you don't. But if you do, you'll get to start with a clean slate, with him having processed the end of his last relationship properly, and able to commit to starting something new.

If you start a relationship with someone who isn't all in (including if that person is just lying to himself), you're starting with an expiry date. And I don't know about you, but when I go into a relationship, I want to believe it could work out. This, in its current form, cannot.

Redshoeblueshoe · 06/05/2023 13:59

Seriously ? Sounds like my ex. Always keeping his options open. Run for the hills

LadyLolaRuben · 06/05/2023 14:01

I wouldn't be trusting a fella who was in a relationship no matter how rocky and was messaging me at the same time.

A partner is someone you share your life, home, finances etc with abd have done for a long time. From what you say, its a friends brother who you've seen approx twice a month for 4 months. Thats not even boyfriend material, more like just seeing/dating him.

Sorry OP hes using you. He's talking to someone your back...which is how he met you!

Throw this one back....

FarmGirl78 · 06/05/2023 14:06

confuseddotcom201 · 06/05/2023 11:59

We are long distance so only see each other once or twice a month. That's why he's looking to move to where I am and financially it makes sense for him to move in.

I'm sure he likes you, has feelings for you, loves you even, is looking for move closer to you, and wants this to work. But him wanting it to work simply isn't enough. It's too soon. He clearly still has feelings for her. That's not his fault, he isn't too blame for not being over her yet. But he's fooling himself (and you!) if he thinks he's ready to move on. Far too soon....it'll only end in tears.

aSofaNearYou · 06/05/2023 14:14

confuseddotcom201 · 06/05/2023 12:05

But what if it was a drunken mistake? I don't want to lose him over something he did after a few drinks. He genuinely a lovely guy who treats me so well.

Why would he say those things if he didn't think them? If you really don't want to let him go you could take a break and tell him to seek you out when he's sorted his head out, but honestly I'd end it.