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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He called his ex when drunk

404 replies

confuseddotcom201 · 06/05/2023 11:44

My partner went out and had a few too many.
When he got home I heard him on the phone telling someone he thought of them every single day.
He also said he missed them and something about a holiday.
I snooped on his phone this morning and it was his ex.
Aibu to think he still has feelings for her? They split properly 4 months ago but I think things were rocky for a bit before that.

OP posts:
Original poster
confuseddotcom201 · 06/05/2023 14:16

So he still has feelings for her.
Has no one ever said something when drunk they really didn't mean?

OP posts:
sparepantsandtoothbrush · 06/05/2023 14:19

He's not had time to get over her. Jumping from one relationship to another isn't healthy for anyone involved. When someone rebounds like that there's no way he's not been thinking about her while he's been with you. Sorry OP, I know that's not what you want to hear but it's usually the truth

aSofaNearYou · 06/05/2023 14:23

confuseddotcom201 · 06/05/2023 14:16

So he still has feelings for her.
Has no one ever said something when drunk they really didn't mean?

I haven't told someone I didn't have feelings for that I did.

I definitely have told people I DID have feelings for that I did.

Thebigblueballoon · 06/05/2023 14:25

confuseddotcom201 · 06/05/2023 14:16

So he still has feelings for her.
Has no one ever said something when drunk they really didn't mean?

People say stupid, untrue crap all the time when they’re drunk, but when it comes to expressing feelings about relationships - nope.
He isn’t over her. He’s thinking exactly what you overheard him say. A 12-minute phone call is a long time, especially with somebody you claim won’t speak to him.
What does he have to say about this?!

Cc1998 · 06/05/2023 14:26

confuseddotcom201 · 06/05/2023 12:15

Tbh we've been talking for 6 months but didn't get together until he split with her. I know it sounds bad.

😂 What a keeper.

monsteramunch · 06/05/2023 14:26

confuseddotcom201 · 06/05/2023 13:56

I didn't even know she existed when I was first talking to him. He said she was a friend.
And yes I think she found out we were getting friendly and dumped him.

So he lied to you from day one?

What a great start.

You know he's capable of being in a relationship and talking denying that relationship to people he fancies.

You know he's capable of lying to your face.

And you've introduced him to your children and plan for him to move in.

Ffs, if you were my mate I would want to shake you.

Original poster
confuseddotcom201 · 06/05/2023 14:27

He said he thought about her every day.
When he said he missed her he was referring to an event he went to that she would normally go to.

He has a hangover today but acting normally. Is there a chance he won't remember the call?

OP posts:
randomusername2020 · 06/05/2023 14:27

This reply has been withdrawn

Removed at poster's request due to privacy concerns.

randomusername2020 · 06/05/2023 14:29

This reply has been withdrawn

Removed at poster's request due to privacy concerns.

Robinni · 06/05/2023 14:29

He still has feelings for her, no doubt.

I would not move someone in with me and my kids after only 4 months.

Him moving in will impact your income enormously - huge - and you and the kids will be largely reliant on him. Which is pretty dicey considering he’s just proved you can’t trust him at all.

Drop and run.

And you should never feel grateful because he has “taken you and kids on”… there will be others out there happy to have a lovely partner and her wonderful children in their lives. Look for someone who appreciates you properly.

Thebigblueballoon · 06/05/2023 14:30

confuseddotcom201 · 06/05/2023 14:27

He said he thought about her every day.
When he said he missed her he was referring to an event he went to that she would normally go to.

He has a hangover today but acting normally. Is there a chance he won't remember the call?

He’ll remember making the call. He might not remember the entirety of it, depending on just how pissed he was.
Why haven’t you at least brought this up with him?

Ginnybaby · 06/05/2023 14:30

Goodness op, how desperate do you need to be…you must have seen him Romantically what 8 times,,and you’re moving him in and trying to pretend he’s into you and not her.

what’s caused you to behave like this?

Ollifer · 06/05/2023 14:30

Op I'm sorry to be harsh but you sound like you just want any bloke to move in and be daddy to your children. The drunken phone call is the fucking LEAST concerning bit out of all of this!!!

I can't even begin to describe what a terrible idea this is - if you didn't have kids I'd tell you to crack on but you're going to make your children suffer with your desperation to be with this man.

And yes of course he's still in love with his ex ffs. Don't be so naive. Where are your kids when he's getting rat arsed and phoning other women at your house btw?

Hope this poster is a wind up tbh

Original poster
confuseddotcom201 · 06/05/2023 14:33

I suppose I'm just lonely. Being a single parent is hard. Especially when one of your kids are SEN. Not many men will give you a second glance.

OP posts:
mainsfed · 06/05/2023 14:35

confuseddotcom201 · 06/05/2023 11:59

We are long distance so only see each other once or twice a month. That's why he's looking to move to where I am and financially it makes sense for him to move in.

financially it makes sense for him to move in.

I bet it does. You’d be a fool not to dump him.

Clymene · 06/05/2023 14:38

confuseddotcom201 · 06/05/2023 14:33

I suppose I'm just lonely. Being a single parent is hard. Especially when one of your kids are SEN. Not many men will give you a second glance.

Yes it can be (I'm also one). But moving a man you barely know into your home with your children isa terrible solution to your loneliness.

Thebigblueballoon · 06/05/2023 14:40

confuseddotcom201 · 06/05/2023 14:33

I suppose I'm just lonely. Being a single parent is hard. Especially when one of your kids are SEN. Not many men will give you a second glance.

Why haven’t you brought it up with him yet?!

Srin · 06/05/2023 14:41

Yes, he has feelings for her. He was also unfaithful to her. He lied to you. He got together with you because she dumped him.

Im99912 · 06/05/2023 14:41

I’m sure MNHQ will delete this post but I don’t care
Your either really thick
or really thick & stupid & desperate for a bloke

if he moves in you will lose a large portion of your benefits ( you said you don’t work because one of your kids has additional needs ) so that’s something to think about
he goes from being single and having plenty of cash - to a complete family he has to support - do you think he will be happy about that- have you even discussed this with him in your week long relationship

have you not read the press or seen the news recently several young children abused and then killed by their mums partners .

women who quite frankly like you put themselves and their relationship above their kids and their kids pay for it with their lives

because let’s face it it’s clear that’s what you are doing your putting yourself and your wants and needs above your kids .

he dosent love you - that’s perfectly clear from the phone call he made drunk or not
he loves his ex and would like to be back with her

so he sure as hell isn’t going to love your kids and be a good role model to them

I really hope your a troll but sadly it’s pretty clear that their are plenty of women like you willing to sacrifice their kids in order to have a bloke

Original poster
confuseddotcom201 · 06/05/2023 14:42

I haven't said anything because I know he'll deny it. He won't admit to any feelings for her. He can be quite cold like that.

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 06/05/2023 14:44

confuseddotcom201 · 06/05/2023 14:33

I suppose I'm just lonely. Being a single parent is hard. Especially when one of your kids are SEN. Not many men will give you a second glance.

I‘m sure it is but moving in with a man you barely know who is hung up on his ex is idiocy, let alone when you have children!

Being single forever is better than being shackled to the wrong person.

You don’t make drunk calls like that if you are over the person.

This would be a complete no-brainier for me. I expect to be the only person my partner is interested in romantically as a MINIMUM.

monsteramunch · 06/05/2023 14:46

Op two questions.

1 Do you believe that being with this man is genuinely going to make you happy, or just make you feel slightly less lonely when he's physically with you and anxious when he's not?

2 Do you genuinely believe that him moving into your home would be in the best interest of your children?

randomusername2020 · 06/05/2023 14:49

This reply has been withdrawn

Removed at poster's request due to privacy concerns.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 06/05/2023 14:50

confuseddotcom201 · 06/05/2023 13:07

I know that is the only time he has called her.
She doesn't talk to him. The phone call was 12 minutes. I saw it on his call log. He also asked her why she blocked him.

He's not over her. You're a rebound. It is about her.

STARCATCHER22 · 06/05/2023 14:51

confuseddotcom201 · 06/05/2023 14:42

I haven't said anything because I know he'll deny it. He won't admit to any feelings for her. He can be quite cold like that.

Denying something you heard happen is gaslighting. He sounds like an absolute prick.

The fact that you think this man is someone you should move in with your children is terrifying.

The financial impact (assuming you are going to be honest about your change of circumstances) means that he will be financially responsible for you as your benefits money will be massively reduced. Is he aware of that? Are you?? He doesn’t sound like someone I would want to rely on financially.

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