He called his ex when drunk

[confuseddotcom201]

My partner went out and had a few too many.
When he got home I heard him on the phone telling someone he thought of them every single day.
He also said he missed them and something about a holiday.
I snooped on his phone this morning and it was his ex.
Aibu to think he still has feelings for her? They split properly 4 months ago but I think things were rocky for a bit before that.

He was with somebody else 4 months ago, so he's not a partner at this point. That's all I'd say. It is a new relationship and with new relationships you don't know if it's another heartbreak or a partner to be.

Come on, Op. You worth more than becoming a convenient financial arrangement for him.

He still loves his ex.

But you are not good together! You were the other woman and now he's calling his ex saying he misses her.

Have some self respect

I have never drunk-dialled an ex I was truly over. Plenty of times for the ones I was still pining over.

This is not a solid relationship no matter how long you've known each other. Dial it all the way back. Date. Get to know each other as boyfriend/girlfriend before you even THINK about moving in together. Things you can brush off in a friend will land differently as a partner.

You say he split with his partner x4 months ago and you see him once or twice a month. How many times have you actually seen him?! Yet you’re calling him your partner and on about him moving in, while he’s calling his ex while drunk. How old are you?

Yeah I'm calling bs too now. Thr kids were the kicker, there's no way this real.

Tell me about it 😂

I'll hang around for the deletion message haha

I think you're all right. I think he's using me. His ex won't speak to him any more. I think I know what I need to do but I'm finding it hard. I think what if I ruin something for the sake of a drunken mistake.

He’s broken up with one woman and now needs somewhere new to live so you’re the new target. By all means have a relationship with him if you’d like, but I’d tell him to get his own place- I bet if you’d do that you’ll find all of a sudden you’re not worth having a relationship with

What has he said about it?

He split with his ex 4 months ago and you only see each once or twice a month?! He's not your partner, at best he's your boyfriend! After that short amount of time, yes he probably is still thinking about her. You are a rebound. Protect yourself.

There's a nice way to phrase things

I won't be financially subsidising him. I don't work due to having a child with additional needs.
I know you think it's not real but this is actually my life.
I suppose reading it back it seems unbelievable. I haven't even gone into that much detail.

I wasn't looking for opinions on my life choices just what were people opinion on the phone call. Do people really reveal hidden feelings when drunk. Even if he still has feelings for her does that mean he has no feelings for me?

Well it would be him ruining it over a drunken mistake, not you. You would be showing him that you won't accept shitty behaviour.

It's perfectly reasonable to think he also has feelings for you. But are you happy to be with someone who still has feelings for someone else?

Well given what he told her, I think you'd be a fool to think anything other than he's into her still. He couldn't make it any clearer really.

Time to move on.

Op are you nuts!!! Thinking of having him move in soon on the four month mark,for christ sake don't do it.

You’ve been with him for fewer than 4 months and you don’t live together - he’s not your partner, he’s your boyfriend….but he ought to be your ex-boyfriend.

So you’ve known him a while? Is it a case of you’ve held a torch for him, made your move when you knew his relationship was rocky, and now you’ve ‘won’ him (she kicked him out, most likely) you don’t want to lose him, despite the fact the one he wants is his ex.

If she wanted him back you know he’d be gone like a shot, OP.

He's a boyfriend you've been with a few months.
His ex refuses to speak with him.
He's calling her saying he misses her.
You're moving him in.
You have kids.

So much of this is wrong and will only lead to drama. The drama has started.

This isn't love, I assure you.

It sounds like you're the rebound relationship OP.

I suppose I'm a little insecure about their relationship.
I feel I can't offer much due to having kids. They were child free so had money and freedom to do lots of things together.
I think that's what he misses not her particularly.

He may have feelings for you, but those feelings could entirely be ‘will do in lieu of a better option’.

it doesn’t read like he’s chosen you, rather you were the one he was left with when his ex removed herself.

Being drunk lowers your inhibitions. What that means is it makes you less likely to think through the consequences of your actions and more likely to do something your logical brain would usually tell you not to. What being drunk doesn’t do is magic up feelings that aren’t already there.

Your ex still has feelings for his ex, he probably wishes he could call her and tell her how he feels all the time and a part of him wants to get back with her. When he’s sober the logical part of his brain is able to tell himself it’s over for a reason, that she won’t be interested in getting back together, that calling her would be a mistake. When he’s drunk he loses that ability to think logically, his existing feelings take over and he can’t resist calling her.

It may have been a drunken mistake on his part to call her, but the feelings weren’t created by being drunk. All being drunk did was lower his inhibitions enough for him to act on the feelings that are there all the time but which he can ignore when he’s sober. If he still has feelings for his ex then you can bet every time he’s drunk and his inhibitions are lowered he’ll be reaching out to her, you can also guarantee a part of him still wants to sleep with her and whilst sober him may not Perdue him drunk him almost certainly will.

Four months is too soon, he’s clearly not over his ex and still has feelings for her, he’s just better at hiding this when he’s sober than when he’s drunk. He’s not ready to be in a relationship and he’s certainly not ready to commit himself fully to you when he’s still thinking of his ex every day and when a part of him is still hoping maybe he can get back with her.

Well of course you're feeling insecure. Anyone would be after hearing that!