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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He called his ex when drunk

404 replies

confuseddotcom201 · 06/05/2023 11:44

My partner went out and had a few too many.
When he got home I heard him on the phone telling someone he thought of them every single day.
He also said he missed them and something about a holiday.
I snooped on his phone this morning and it was his ex.
Aibu to think he still has feelings for her? They split properly 4 months ago but I think things were rocky for a bit before that.

OP posts:
Thegrassaintgreener · 07/05/2023 08:13

He doesn't need to move in with you. He can rent a room or flat nearby and you can slow things down for 6 months.

mainsfed · 07/05/2023 08:22

confuseddotcom201 · 06/05/2023 20:41

He didn't say he wanted to be back with her. He just thought of her every single day. He said he missed her at an event he expected her to be at.
He knows he's not going back with her.
He was talking to me the last 6 weeks they were together. He said they were no longer a couple just friends. They stopped talking in the new year and she moved out.

If he talked to you whilst he was still with her, then he will talk to her whilst he is with you. That’s what cheaters do.

Original poster
confuseddotcom201 · 07/05/2023 09:26

Ok so I asked him about the phone call.
He said he doesn't remember the call. I told him what he said and he said it was drunk talk and he meant none of it. Said he was sorry and it's me he wants.

OP posts:
monsteramunch · 07/05/2023 09:29

confuseddotcom201 · 07/05/2023 09:26

Ok so I asked him about the phone call.
He said he doesn't remember the call. I told him what he said and he said it was drunk talk and he meant none of it. Said he was sorry and it's me he wants.

And that means you're going to go ahead with him moving in and ignore everyone saying you're not behaving in your own children's best interests? Cool.

Susieb2023 · 07/05/2023 09:30

confuseddotcom201 · 07/05/2023 09:26

Ok so I asked him about the phone call.
He said he doesn't remember the call. I told him what he said and he said it was drunk talk and he meant none of it. Said he was sorry and it's me he wants.

Oh well that’s that then. Despite 14 pages of advice telling you he meant every word, you’re going to believe this new boyfriend (known cheater), move him in with your children (one of whom is very vulnerable) and watch as he monkey branches to someone else. He has seen you coming.

TimeForTeaAndG · 07/05/2023 09:32

captainmarvella · 07/05/2023 03:20

"People drunk dial their exes ALL THE TIME"

Umm no? What is this generalisation? May be some might have the habit of doing it, but definitely not to confess to the ex that they miss them and wish they could see them every day??

Show quote history

@captainmarvella pretty sure that post was sarcasm for the type of response OP clearly was hoping to get from this.

Clymene · 07/05/2023 09:48

confuseddotcom201 · 07/05/2023 09:26

Ok so I asked him about the phone call.
He said he doesn't remember the call. I told him what he said and he said it was drunk talk and he meant none of it. Said he was sorry and it's me he wants.

Do you believe him?

5128gap · 07/05/2023 09:55

Well that's even more worrying in a way, isn't it? What does he intend to do about drinking so problematic it takes over his free will entirely, forcing him to do and say the exact opposite to what he really intends and means?
I mean, that won't do at all, will it? What if next time he goes out he ends up sleeping with Steve the door man? Or eloping with his best mate's nan?

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 07/05/2023 10:00

confuseddotcom201 · 07/05/2023 09:26

Ok so I asked him about the phone call.
He said he doesn't remember the call. I told him what he said and he said it was drunk talk and he meant none of it. Said he was sorry and it's me he wants.

And if you believe that, you'll believe anything.

Clymene · 07/05/2023 10:02

I also think you should think about the fact that he comes to see you once a month and he spent Friday night out on the lash and all day in bed on Saturday. Because that doesn't sound to me like a man who wants to spend time with you

Robinni · 07/05/2023 10:08

@confuseddotcom201 what family/friend support do you have around you?

You sound very vulnerable and alone.

Which is the only thing that could explain the poor decision making and overriding need to enter into closer association with this man, who sounds terrible.

PrinnyPree · 07/05/2023 11:04

Clymene · 07/05/2023 10:02

I also think you should think about the fact that he comes to see you once a month and he spent Friday night out on the lash and all day in bed on Saturday. Because that doesn't sound to me like a man who wants to spend time with you

100% this, but theres so much advice saying the amount of red flags he's giving off and OP is just holding out for someone to tell her he was so drunk he was temporarily insane and wasn't trying to cheat on her.

Also OP he's hardly going to tell you he still has feelings for his ex when confronted and blame the drink/feign amnnesia.

I don't actually know why I'm bothering to reply since your not listening to anyone and fully intend to impose this cheating loser on your children who will be in and out of their lives on top of completely messing up your personal financial circumstances.

randomuser2019 · 07/05/2023 11:16

This reply has been withdrawn

Removed at poster's request due to privacy concerns.

Original poster
confuseddotcom201 · 07/05/2023 11:34

I am not a troll. I'm genuinely seeking advice.
When he is here it's hard to see him the way you are all telling me.
He's returning to his flat tomorrow so I will give everything a lot more thought as I'll have that space away from him.
I know I sound stupid and I'm not grasping what you're all saying but it's really hard when he's here being lovely.
Also the shock of the phone call as that is not the person I thought he was.
But thank you for taking the time to reply. I am trying to work this out.
I am finding this drama pretty unbelievable too.

OP posts:
LadyLolaRuben · 07/05/2023 18:17

Of course he remembers the call OP dont let him gaslight you. While he was drunk he also managed to a way around contacting her as he was blocked. He couldn't have been that drunk and knew exactly what he was doing...he didn't dare make that call in front if you did he? Don't take people at their word but by their actions. I knows its difficult I've been in a similar situation myself

LadyLolaRuben · 07/05/2023 18:19

Clymene · 07/05/2023 10:02

I also think you should think about the fact that he comes to see you once a month and he spent Friday night out on the lash and all day in bed on Saturday. Because that doesn't sound to me like a man who wants to spend time with you

And this. He's hardly visiting to spend quality time with you and thats not including calling his ex behind your back. I can only imagine what he's like on a night out when you're not with him. The guy is a piss taker

Original poster
confuseddotcom201 · 07/05/2023 18:37

I live in his home town. He has family and friends that live here. When he comes up he catches up with them. I have no problem with this. I can't join them due to childcare.
I didn't have a problem with him going out.
Everything was ok until I overheard him on the phone.
Like I said when he leaves tomorrow I'll have the time and space to think about what's actually happening with us.
I now have a doubt about us and think he's using me.
Can a man who's lived a child free life with money and freedom actually be happy living in a family life? Will he be satisfied with being restricted by kids and finances etc?

OP posts:
Original poster
confuseddotcom201 · 07/05/2023 18:47

I feel so bad coming back to this thread knowing everyone thinks I'm a fraud or a troll

OP posts:
5128gap · 07/05/2023 19:00

A man moving from a life where he could do as he pleased would obviously struggle if he were restricted by budget and children. But your man won't be, because he isn't going to allow you and your children to restrict him in the least. He'll do like last night and trot off without you to do what he likes. He won't like having less money, which is where he hopes you come in, sharing his expenses and topping him up from your benefits. (What you've got left, if any, after you're reassed as a couple with a wage that is.)
Honestly OP, his happiness with family life is not something you're ever going to have to worry about, he won't go near it.

Original poster
confuseddotcom201 · 07/05/2023 19:07

I'm now second guessing everything. My youngest is only 4.
He's due to retire in 9 years.

OP posts:
5128gap · 07/05/2023 19:09

confuseddotcom201 · 07/05/2023 19:07

I'm now second guessing everything. My youngest is only 4.
He's due to retire in 9 years.

So he's much older than you as well? Not your friends dad is he?

CatchYouOnTheFlippetyFlop · 07/05/2023 19:10

Jesus Christ love. I've just read all your posts and not read anything else. He sounds like a fucking loser and you are sounding more and more like a mug the further on your posts go.

Do not move this loser in with you and your kids.

He's deffo still on love with his ex and it's absolute bollocks he doesn't remember calling her.

Don't be fooled.

Original poster
confuseddotcom201 · 07/05/2023 19:13

I'm in my 40s. He is a bit older.
He's my friends brother.
I don't know what to think anymore.
He was planing to retire abroad with his ex.

OP posts:
Original poster
confuseddotcom201 · 07/05/2023 19:13

He doesn't want to be on his own

OP posts:
Original poster
confuseddotcom201 · 07/05/2023 19:14

He doesn't want to be on his own when he's older.

OP posts: