Page 13 | He called his ex when drunk

confuseddotcom201 · 2023-05-06T10:44:25+00:00

My partner went out and had a few too many. When he got home I heard him on the phone telling someone he thought of them every single day. He also said he missed them and something about a holiday. I snooped on his phone this morning and it was his ex. Aibu to think he still has feelings for her? They split properly 4 months ago but I think things were rocky for a bit before that.

Robinni · 06/05/2023 21:03

confuseddotcom201 · 06/05/2023 20:08

The thing with him moving is he's struggling to pay the full cost of his rented flat on his own when before the bills were split 50/50.
If he lived with me he would pay less as I would still get some benefits.
Also the isolation is not doing him any good.
I feel he is a good man in a difficult situation.

WHO CARES if he is struggling now he has split with his ex.

If he lived with you it would be better for him financially. But much worse for you and your children.

And SO WHAT if the isolation is not doing him any good.

Why have you decided to take on this giant man child???

He’s spent most of the day in bed… what a catch!!

You’re being idiotic if you stay with him and doing your kids a disservice.

Can’t imagine any woman would be this dim. Agreeing with the rest. Wind up.

Original poster

confuseddotcom201 · 06/05/2023 21:07

This is not a wind up.
I get it. He's still in love with her. He's using me.
I just wanted to know if anyone had experience of this.
I know I've been repetitive. It's just gone around my head all day and I'm just looking for answers.
I'll leave this thread now.
Thank you for posts. Even the blunt not so nice posts have been helpful in a way. I suppose I just needed some straight talking.

OP posts:

Robinni · 06/05/2023 21:08

confuseddotcom201 · 06/05/2023 20:22

Why am I stupid? Is it because I've had no choice but to let my partner spend time with my kids or is it the phone call?

Sorry to keep on about it but it's just been going around my head all day. I can't really concentrate on anything else.

And he is not your partner.

He is a random man who you barely know, who you’ve met and shagged about 8 times.

He is in financial difficulty because his relationship ended and he is going to use you to lower his living costs.

Except he hasn’t realised you’ll lose lots of money by moving him in.

That’s it.

If he could have the other woman and his former life back he would. But he’s stuck with you.

Nextlevelnonsense · 06/05/2023 21:14

If I didn't see my new bloke much, during the honeymoon phase, I'd be excited when he came over to get pissed with his mates and then sleep all day.
It's nice to be able to watch telly by myself, or with my kids.

People drunk dial their exes ALL THE TIME. Especially when they are happy in a new relationship. They do it to make sure they are as loved up as they are supposed to be.

And cohabiting in a relationship is always about convenience anyway. People that talk about falling in love, and not wanting to be apart? That's absurd.
I know people who have moved in with loads of different people. It's modern and progressive.

Apparently

Throwncrumbs · 06/05/2023 21:15

So you knew he wasn’t happy two months before he left her, so there was an overlap then, maybe he’s overlapping on you with her this time

5128gap · 06/05/2023 21:15

confuseddotcom201 · 06/05/2023 20:44

I know I sound stupid and repetitive but if he wanted her why risk that to talk to me in the first place

Because he didn't realise it was a risk. He thought she'd never find out. People get away with it all the time and no one thinks they'll be caught.

Original poster

confuseddotcom201 · 06/05/2023 21:22

@Nextlevelnonsense
Thank you for a different perspective

OP posts:

FishChipsMushyPeas · 06/05/2023 21:34

The issue isn't so much him calling his ex, it's what he actually said to her:

he thinks about her everyday
he was hoping and expecting her to be at that event

He called because he was disappointed he didn't get to see her. Surely you can never trust someone who was trying to get with you while still with her?

Him not being able to afford his place now isn't on you, he needs to move somewhere cheaper on his own.

I don't understand why he wasnt spending time with you given how little you two see each other?

MaybeWednesday · 06/05/2023 22:21

I'm reporting this thread! This is clearly a wind-up!!

Robinni · 06/05/2023 22:22

MaybeWednesday · 06/05/2023 22:21

I'm reporting this thread! This is clearly a wind-up!!

Already done

user1473878824 · 06/05/2023 22:27

confuseddotcom201 · 06/05/2023 19:32

But if he risked his relationship with her to talk to me surely I must mean more to him than she does.

If he was happy with her he would never had talked to me or given me a second look. That must mean something.

I would usually want to offer you at least some sort of sympathy OP but as you’re not listening to anything at all: I’m sorry to say this is possibly the most pathetic thing I’ve ever read on Mumsnet.

you need self esteem, not a shitty boyfriend. Who is absolutely definitely not your partner.

BodyKeepingScore · 06/05/2023 22:45

confuseddotcom201 · 06/05/2023 13:56

I didn't even know she existed when I was first talking to him. He said she was a friend.
And yes I think she found out we were getting friendly and dumped him.

So he lied to you and cheated on his previous partner, and you're okay with this?

SaraGeeHickaBee · 06/05/2023 23:21

You obviously want this bloke at any cost to yourself and your children, so there is no point in anyone saying anything to try to dissuade you. So all I have for you are your own words to think about when you try to convince yourself that he loves you:

If he lived with me he would pay less as I would still get some benefits.

BodyKeepingScore · 06/05/2023 23:37

confuseddotcom201 · 06/05/2023 15:28

He didn't say he loved her on the phone call.
I do know the life he had with her was complete opposite to the one he will have with me. I think that's my real worry. He'll be hankering for that lifestyle whilst living the reality of family life. I think that's the root of the phone call not that he wants her. Just missing that kind of life.

He won't be living the reality of family life because he's in love with someone else. You'll be faking a family life and at best he's using you for "lodgings". Please wake up.

Deanie02 · 06/05/2023 23:52

If he was talking to you while with her then he ill have no bother doing the same to you. An old saying is if its not in you when your sober it will not come out when your drunk. He got some dutch courage to ring her and also he must of tried before if he knew she had blocked hime.

MeinKraft · 06/05/2023 23:54

confuseddotcom201 · 06/05/2023 21:07

This is not a wind up.
I get it. He's still in love with her. He's using me.
I just wanted to know if anyone had experience of this.
I know I've been repetitive. It's just gone around my head all day and I'm just looking for answers.
I'll leave this thread now.
Thank you for posts. Even the blunt not so nice posts have been helpful in a way. I suppose I just needed some straight talking.

It's not that he doesn't want you, I'm sure he does. He sounds like he isn't over his ex and wants what he can't have - he's not good enough for you. It's not that you aren't good enough for him - you're too good for him. You deserve so much better than this.

lilaco · 07/05/2023 00:13

Wow.

Your poor children.

captainmarvella · 07/05/2023 02:01

confuseddotcom201 · 06/05/2023 20:59

But he was drunk calling her so not thinking clearly.

Adult survivor of alcoholic family here. Lots of experience from childhood with drunk people, not just the addicts but also the other friends/fam who drank socially. From nearly 40 years dealing with drunk people, this is what I can tell you - drunk people never lie. They can be shitty, shameless, destructive, cringey, horribly insulting, terrifying, even sweet and funny but... they cannot lie.

Whatever drunk people articulate when they are drunk is the truth they'd normally never say - or wish they had the guts to say - when they are sober.

Sorry OP. Even if you "forgive" the current man in your life for making a "drunk mistake", you will never be able to keep him for more than a few weeks. It's just a matter of time. Once his ex calls him back or if he even meets someone like his ex, he will ditch you AND your kids, and disappear.

I know it is tough to give up on a potential partner, but the pants don't fit, you know that yet you are thinking, "no no if I keep ignoring it or believe in the best, it will eventually fit." It won't. Sooner or later, your association with this man will implode. Think carefully if you really want to risk it and put yourself - AND YOUR 4 KIDS - through this shetfest, for what, two days a month?

Taking tough but right decisions - That's what being an adult, and being a parent, is about. Don't walk into quicksand - AND TAKE YOUR KIDS WITH YOU - even after knowing it was there all along.

Notmyfirstusername · 07/05/2023 02:32

He’s currently using you as a hotel. He sees you a couple of times a month, but spent the night drinking with his friends and didn’t respect you enough to call his ex before he got back to your house. How many hours did he spend with you and the kids today and did your kids have to be quiet all day because he was sleeping and then hungover?

Someone better will come along, someone who’ll respect you enough to wait until your kids are comfortable and happy before moving in.

Let’s face it, all 4 of your kids may like him but 6 months is way too early for him to move in, you have no real idea who this man is until you’ve been together for 18 months at minimum and he’s already having an emotional affair with his ex during the honeymoon period. You are worth more.

captainmarvella · 07/05/2023 03:13

confuseddotcom201 · 06/05/2023 21:07

This is not a wind up.
I get it. He's still in love with her. He's using me.
I just wanted to know if anyone had experience of this.
I know I've been repetitive. It's just gone around my head all day and I'm just looking for answers.
I'll leave this thread now.
Thank you for posts. Even the blunt not so nice posts have been helpful in a way. I suppose I just needed some straight talking.

"It's just gone around my head all day and I'm just looking for answers."

If I were you, I would not still be looking for answers. I already see 200+ of them in the replies in this thread. I'd not bury my head in sand, not listen to them, and still moan "this is so confusing and baffling, what's happening". We are telling you what is happening, but you refuse to listen because you just want to hear one answer "yes love it was just a drunken mistake, don't doubt his commitment for you, he is the real deal". Sorry, you will not hear that answer here. Because it looks like strangers on the internet are more worried for you (and your kids) than you are.

OP I didn't have this many suggestions in my life when I have been in tough situations. You've asked and actually been given so much of good, perhaps even life saving advice. Are you seriously going to just wallow in "doubts" all day when you have been given clarity and perspective by so many people?

captainmarvella · 07/05/2023 03:20

Nextlevelnonsense · 06/05/2023 21:14

If I didn't see my new bloke much, during the honeymoon phase, I'd be excited when he came over to get pissed with his mates and then sleep all day.
It's nice to be able to watch telly by myself, or with my kids.

People drunk dial their exes ALL THE TIME. Especially when they are happy in a new relationship. They do it to make sure they are as loved up as they are supposed to be.

And cohabiting in a relationship is always about convenience anyway. People that talk about falling in love, and not wanting to be apart? That's absurd.
I know people who have moved in with loads of different people. It's modern and progressive.

Apparently

"People drunk dial their exes ALL THE TIME"

Umm no? What is this generalisation? May be some might have the habit of doing it, but definitely not to confess to the ex that they miss them and wish they could see them every day??

Northernsouloldies · 07/05/2023 06:18

Think next level nonsense was being ironic. If this is real there is no amount of advice is going to sink in with the op.

trisfreya · 07/05/2023 07:43

Christ

He is showing you who he is

A cheater who cracked on to you
A cheater who would rather be with his ex

You have introduced him to your children
You are planning to let him move in, affecting not only your children but your benefits too

What is wrong here?

trisfreya · 07/05/2023 07:44

I cant believe anyone old enough to be a parent could act in such a childish manner, fucking hell

Clymene · 07/05/2023 07:53

Did you speak to him last night @confuseddotcom201?