My parents are really pissed with DH- what would you do ?

[babysofmummys]

Parents came to visit a couple of months ago for a few days and it's transpired that they found my DH very rude.

Apparently they felt he was ordering them about to help and clean / make food while they were here.

They stayed for a week, during which we had my DD's birthday party. My parents are people who like to make themselves useful when they visit. If they see something needs doing, they just get on with it. My mum is an obsessively clean person and cannot stand mess and insists on tidying up/ gets frustrated if things are left out and takes over the cooking when she visits.

Apparently during this visit they felt like my DH ordered them around, on top of the stuff they were doing to help. He told my mum to make a salad or something and told my dad to carry some stuff outside..

He then didn't offer to make them drinks, while he was making drinks for other people. He also kept saying ' someone needs to clean up XXX or whatever is was and my mum felt he was implying she should do it. I have noticed him doing this before to her. He'll just keep repeating to her and to me that XXX needs cleaning or sorting or whatever, but he won't do it himself because he's ' never home ' and ' doesn't have time... it's quite annoying and rude

My parents felt disrespected and now I'm unsure whether to tell DH. I think he needs to know on some level, so he doesn't do it again.

Your parents sound insufferable. Complaining to you that your husband asked them to make a salad??? Seriously? It's like they're just looking to complaint about him to make you mad at him and it seems like it's working. They seem divisive and like they want to trash talk your husband over stupid stuff and ruin your marriage. Don't let them!!

I would never complain to my sibling if their husband did this stuff, I would keep it to myself instead of meddle and nitpick. My kids are young but I would never ever say anything like this to one of them about their spouse unless I was prepared to be kicked out of their house/life.

And if my parents complained to me that my spouse asked them to make a salad while they were staying with us and eating our food and we were all eating together etc , I would tell them fine, don't come back!!!

Side with your husband and tell your parents to butt out. You married him, not them. Time to cut the cord.

Yeah, they sound like they want to be waited on like the Queen of Sheeba and think the world revolves around them and that everyone is supposed to be thinking of them at all times and serving them and not bothering them to have to do anything. But then when they want to "help" they are pushy about it and take over the cooking in someone else's home?? They sound like control freaks to boot, always wanting attention.

Sorry, my above comment was supposed to quote this one. I agree with @Applequash

Yeah he sounds rude don't know why neither of you said anything to him at the time.

Wow. Maybe your husband is right that your parents are "weird." Weird would be a nice way to say it, actually. They sound rude, overbearing, entitled and selfish. I would not have them as guests in my home ever again because they will only further drive a wedge between you and hubby. Your home should be your sanctuary and safe place. His too! Don't let people stay who are going to try to stir up trouble and ruin your peace.

Having been put in the middle of something like this in the past I wouldn’t tell my DH I would tell my parents that they should have said something at the time and if it bothers them still then they should talk to DH about it. It’s your dad’s problem not yours, stay out of it and let them sort it between themselves as if you get involved you’re either going to upset one side or the other.

The argument for saying nothing is that you slag your DH to your parents and that's accepted as a private conversation that isn't to impact on what they say to him. Feels like they've spoken in the same spirit, as part of how you talk about him and as part of telling you to not lose yourself in the way he treats you and them. In that context, I wouldn't tell him but I'd keep it in mind next time they visit to intervene/address either side's behaviour when it gets u reasonable. And I'd beat it in mind before when he treats you badly, knowing it's wrong from an outside perspective and using it to draw a line. Likewise with your parents, your dad needs to get past the feeling like a slave for helping his own daughter out.

Lots to work on on all sides, but take time and find the best way to do it rather than raising it right now or it'll quickly kick off and be totally unproductive.

I agree.

Going forward, next time they are coming have a chat with dh a few weeks before. Say that you noticed his tension with them and perhaps for the next visit you will take the lead on stuff to do with your parents. Much like in a blended family the discipline is best if the step parent stays out of it. For the party this would have meant he took charge of the dc while you and your parents organised the party. This means he is not in the position of organising them but you will need to step up and speak out to your parents. He will need to trust that you know your parents best and try not to step in.

This. But I think DH’s passive aggressive “someone needs to do X” narration is the biggest problem. The parents sound quite helpful, even if you’re not allowed to specify the help you need; the indirect “someone needs to, but not me, clearly” orders are a prime dickhead move.

Sounds like they didn't appreciate the way they were asked, rather than the fact they were asked to help.

But equally, he's not allowed to ask the OPs parents to do anything as they only like to help out on their own terms and are slaves if you ask them directly. So perhaps he thought "I can't say 'MIL can you do this please?' because she'll be arsey about it, and if I ask FIL then he'll complain of being treated like a slave, so I'll just announce to the room in general the things that need doing and hope that they deign to pick that task as their next one to help with". Unfortunately for him the OP has been complaining about him to her parents so they are treating those requests the same as if he had barked an order in their faces anyway so he can't win. His only option is to tiptoe round them in his own home - being expected to be grateful when they do a job -even if it is something that didn't need doing or wasn't a priority - but unable to ask them to do something actually useful is a totally unreasonable expectation of someone in their own home.

I'm not saying the OPs DH is a saint but any time ExDHs family stayed with us when we were married they were treated as members of the household who could be asked "Can you do this for me please?" and it was treated as a perfectly reasonable request not slavery. As good guests they wanted to fit into our routines and help out on a way that was most useful to the household running effectively and efficiently, so they asked what needed doing and were happy to be given guidance, not took it upon themselves to take over an arbitrary task that we may or may not have wanted them to do and then expected us to be grateful.

The OPs family seem to want the formality of being hosted to the point of being asked for drinks and not asked to assist in the upkeep of the OPs home but the familiarity of being able to do whatever they want in the OPs home as though it was their own - you can't have both ways. Either you're a house guest who can get their own drink - if the OPs DH put out a general offer to the room and then ignored his PILs when they requested a drink then that rude, if he was only specifically asking individuals who didn't live in the house if they wanted a drink as they arrived or a top up as he was talking to them then that is not rude - or you're a party guest who should not be doing anything in the house.

Your parents sound like hard work- in a situation like that where there’s a group of people getting ready for an event, I would expect the host to occasionally direct the others in what needed doing. It sounds as if your DH needs to be more polite when doing this but the act of asking another person to prepare a salad when you’re all getting ready for an event is completely reasonable.

There’s then the additional issue that you’ve discussed your marital problems with your mum. She’ll be worried about you and feeling defensive of you so she’s seeing any bluntness or perceived rudeness from your DH as evidence that he isn’t a nice person. When she told you she didn’t like what he said she was probably trying to be supportive by saying that she saw that his behaviour is problematic. I’d say marital grumbles are best kept to yourself or shared with friends because your mum is really too close to be objective. That said, if it’s more than just grumbles, if he really is controlling and doesn’t allow you to be yourself, then that’s a different matter, but it’s not possible to infer that from what you’ve told us.

The "someone needs to do X" and expecting someone to do it is a bit weird and pass agg imo, but asking someone to do something with a "please" added is fine imo.

Your DPs sound very selective in the help they're prepared to give, tbh. There's nothing more annoying than someone "helping" by doing stuff that's not urgent or important when there are other things more in need of doing. Especially if it means that they're getting in the way of other things that need doing!

@taybert they are hard work.

The salad was not requested during the main preparations though. It was requested much later.. I think that was the problem perhaps for my mum even more.

After guests had left, we had more guests arrive..at this point DH preordered to host these guests ( his parents ) and my mum started automagically preparing more food for them. At this point my DH was basically chilling and asked her to make a salad as well as the stuff she was already preparing and that annoyed her.

It was a bit different than just asking her to make a salad during preparations earlier in the day. He was just sitting down with them and she was preparing everything for everyone and I think she'd had enough by that point.

My parents are also really helpful, but they kind of keep score a little bit of what they do for us / people in general.

This sounds a bit weird and rather transactional, tbh. Or like they they feel they should help, but also resent it.

But your DH sounds rather domineering or demanding or something that I can't quite put my finger on. If my late DP had told me that "X needs doing", I'd have told him to trot off and do it himself.

Ok, fair enough, all sounds difficult. I suspect your mum telling you is less about her wanting you to do anything about it and more about her trying to show you that she supports you. Sounds like there are some very difficult dynamics at play though!

my mum started automagically preparing more food for them. At this point my DH was basically chilling and asked her to make a salad as well as the stuff she was already preparing and that annoyed her.

I can see that if she was in the kitchen doing stuff it might have seemed as easy to ask her to do a salad as well.

That said it was for his parents so why couldn't he do it?

Can see both sides.

I would probably have told hm that mum was doing something so he should get off his arse & do the salad!

It sounds like you are stuck between a rude and unpleasant DH and difficult and self-centred parents. Both are wrong and right on different aspects of their behaviour in this incident.

It is really tricky. I think my mum is really starting to resent helping us out in general. She's taken on that role and I tell her to sit down and stop all the time, but it's in her nature to always be cleaning and sorting and cooking. I never ask her to do it and she says she can't just sit and do nothing. But then she's resentful of everything she does and keeps score and throws it back in your face during arguments etc. I think it's a really unhealthy dynamic and I won't be asking her to come for while. I also won't go to see her because naturally when I go there with my kids, she also helps me a lot. The kids are really young, so I do need a hand with them.

Time to take a step back form everyone.

It sounds like you have married someone that is v like your dad imo.

I was not there, I was with the children.

Also something that annoys me. I would like to do stuff in my own house too at these occasions, but always end up being the one to need to look after the kids. So I can't be properly involved. My mum generally always does this. She prefers to clean and cook than to be with the kids and I always end up with them. I love my kids, but cooking a meal myself while someone looks after them, would also be nice sometimes.

I don't know. It's tricky isn't it. I wouldn't have asked my mum / MIL, I would have done it myself and thanked her for preparing the food.. there's no way I would have just ' put another order in '. Whilst I was just chilling with my parents at the table..

Sounds exhausting! Both your parents and DH sound hard work!

Your parents sound like hard work. The use of the word 'disrespectful' is a red flag. As is the fact they've discussed your DH with you behind his back. Like they have some sort of superiority complex.
Hosting is hard work. Asking to carry out drinks is no big deal. They only seem to want to muck in on their terms.
How long did your parents stay? How often do they stay? How does your DH really feel about this?

It's interesting you say his parents are more like guests when they come over because they live nearer and are round more often.

In my opinion people that come over more regularly and live nearer are less like guests than people like your parents who don't visit often and come to stay for a few days - they seem more like guests to me?

I would definitely tell him he was rude!