My parents are really pissed with DH- what would you do ?

[babysofmummys]

Parents came to visit a couple of months ago for a few days and it's transpired that they found my DH very rude.

Apparently they felt he was ordering them about to help and clean / make food while they were here.

They stayed for a week, during which we had my DD's birthday party. My parents are people who like to make themselves useful when they visit. If they see something needs doing, they just get on with it. My mum is an obsessively clean person and cannot stand mess and insists on tidying up/ gets frustrated if things are left out and takes over the cooking when she visits.

Apparently during this visit they felt like my DH ordered them around, on top of the stuff they were doing to help. He told my mum to make a salad or something and told my dad to carry some stuff outside..

He then didn't offer to make them drinks, while he was making drinks for other people. He also kept saying ' someone needs to clean up XXX or whatever is was and my mum felt he was implying she should do it. I have noticed him doing this before to her. He'll just keep repeating to her and to me that XXX needs cleaning or sorting or whatever, but he won't do it himself because he's ' never home ' and ' doesn't have time... it's quite annoying and rude

My parents felt disrespected and now I'm unsure whether to tell DH. I think he needs to know on some level, so he doesn't do it again.

Time to take a step back form everyone.

^^this is the most sensible plan.

I honestly think with parents and in laws the best thing most of the time is to meet up for a day somewhere. Or if they are very local see them for a short period of time often.

My own mother was incredibly close to her MIL and a lot of it was she just used to pop round for a cuppa for an hour. My Dad never really annoys me, but he rarely stays round for more than a couple of hours.

My in laws are further away, and as a result we see them for a full day. Even that is harder work and they are genuinely nice people, just different to me in a lot of ways. Having people staying is intense and really hard work.

A lot of people on this thread are going down ‘red flags’ ‘abuse’. Whether or not this is true a lot of people find people staying very trying.

The other thing is that IRL no one is perfect to the extent that is expected on MN. We are all a mixture of good and bad and all have our flaws.

I have been married for nearly fifty years. I have been irritated with my generally lovely husband many times but I never 'told' on him. I can also be an irritating person but my husband who is a loving son and close to his parents never complained to them about me. We are a team. I hope I supported him with his parents as they aged and died. Ditto my husband was brilliant when my father died and he did so much house maintenance, gardening for my mother before she died. It brought us close together.
I would have been really resentful if my husband kept 'telling' on me whenever I irritated him.
I have a friend who told her friends all about the things that annoyed her about her husband. We were all wary of him because of this. Eventually, after they had been married for thirty odd years, he left her. He eventually remarried and is happy and my friend is so bitter that he left. Yet she genuinely gave little indication when she was married that she loved or even liked her husband.
I think your marriage doesn't sound happy OP. Life is hard and it gets harder as you age and your parents get ill and need help. Having a supportive partner who is on your side with what lies ahead is so important.

It definitely sounds like your DH is far more out of line than your parents. He sounds like he's appointed himself in charge of the household and everyone needs to fall in line behind him and take their roles. There probably is an element of clashing personalities and expectations but even so he sounds very rude.

Yes it's nice when guests are helpful but they aren't there to be ordered about and certainly not to work when your DH isn't.

I think you do need to say something to avoid it festering but I would go about it from the angle of you noticing it. You know yourself he can be rude and unpleasant so I think you can avoid bringing your parents further into this. Even if he isn't willing to accept he is in the wrong, hopefully it will make him more conscious of how he behaves with people in future.

OK so my husband will leave me in 30 years and I will be bitter like your friend ? Because I've opened up to my mum about our problems? Ok then. I don't ' tell ' on my husband. I've gone to my mum for support because I have really needed it.

OK so my husband will leave me in 30 years and I will be bitter like your friend ? Because I've opened up to my mum about our problems? Ok then. I don't ' tell ' on my husband. I've gone to my mum for support because I have really needed it.

No, she said that your marriage doesn’t seem happy. That is surely the case if you have needed your mother’s support wrt your husband?

Like her I’ve never said anything negative about my husband to anyone, including my own parents other than stuff that’s piss taking/ tongue in cheek. I would be really annoyed if DH was talking about me behind my back to his parents.

OP, if you are so unhappy with your husband that you need to go behind his back to complain to your mother about him, that is telling you something about the state of your marriage.
Be honest, if you found out that your husband had been complaining to his mother about you, how would you feel?

I only ever talk to my mum about it. She's my mum. I've posted on here many times about my relationship in order to keep it to myself, but sometimes you do need a sounding board that's not anonymous. I've been told on here many times to keep talking to my mum about things and not suffer in silence.

I wouldn't be annoyed if my DH confided in someone he trusts about our problems. I would welcome it, in fact. Maybe another person could occasionally give a balanced view of things. I don't think it's ideal, but outside people can actually help. He had a good chat with one of his friends about their difficulties and also about our difficulties recently and as they're quite similar, he came away with more compassion for me. I don't think it's always wrong to open up to someone.

I completely disagree with this. At the heart of any marriage that is successful and happy is trust. If my husband was moaning about me to his mother then I wouldn’t be able to trust him.

A lot of advice on mumsnet is based on safety and the assumption that abuse is at the centre of everything. If that is the case then yes you need to talk and get help from others. But in a normal marriage talking about your other half behind their back really isn’t normal at all. Particularly with someone as involved as a parent.

Confiding in a friend is perhaps a better idea than in a parent who will have to regularly meet your husband in a family situation. Every parent is bound to feel very protective of their son or daughter and you only have to read the many, many threads on here from women who feel betrayed by their husbands because they talked about them to their in laws. It is hard to come back from that.

If I am honest, your marriage doesn't sound happy. Your primary relationship seems to be with your parents and primarily with your mother. The trouble is your parents will age and your relationship will change. It is so helpful to have a loving partner who will support you when they eventually get ill and they need your support

The mistake isn’t having someone to talk to it’s who you picked.

If I’m 10 years you’re still together and now happier than ever your parents views on him will be forever tainted. They will forever keep him in this box of that person who you moaned about today.

Where as a close friends might still judge and side eye roll eyes. But ultimately they are a good friend who likely have offloaded about their husband at times too. So a less permanent judgmental thing.

Id also hate to think say that my husbands parent knew all our little issues or arguments.

@Teateaandmoretea I disagree entirely.

Marriage is hard and we need outside support to keep it together at times. A friendly ear and a piece of advice isn't wrong. I wouldn't mind if my husband discussed issues with my mother in law especially sometimes. She could give him a woman's point of view and she ultimately wants our marriage to succeed, so she'd give good advice.

It sounds to me like your parents and husband have a pain in the arse dynamic when together. Your parents have put you in a tricky spot, and could have called out your husband's dickish behaviour on the spot. But they sound too passive aggressive. Not that your husband's innocent in this either!
Feel for you, OP.

No I don't think so at all. Relationships are complicated. Intelligent people understand that you need a sounding board sometimes and won't hold that against the partner that was discussed. I don't, when people open up to me. Nothing is forever tainted unless someone beats the other person or something that serious.

Then @babysofmummys, you are unique on MN in wanting your husband to offload onto your MIL
In any long marriage the time will come when you will need help with your ageing parents. It helps so much if your husband feels genuine affection for them and vice versa.
Your mother will now always carry a grudge against your husband. If you tell him what your parents think of him, he will feel differently about them.
I will forever be grateful to my husband for his loving support to my poor mother who had dementia before she died. She thought the world of him and he loved her.

I am getting the biggest kick out of the fact that even though you actually said that your parents prepared ALL the food and I assume they didn't make up the food list out of their heads, that people are still kicking them. They write/act/believe as if they sat around drinking champagne while you and your NSDH fanned them with feathers and fed them grapes. Some of that IS on you for making them out to be no help at first and THEN explaining ALL that they did do. Did they also help clean up the garden for the party? Clean up after the party? Did they get a chance to enjoy the party?

You also should have explained at the beginning that your NSDH was sitting on his azz with HIS parents, whom he often sees and asked your Mom to make a salad for HIS family. That IS treating your Mom as if she is hired help. I am betting she was knackered after a whole day of work. Your NSDH sounds like such a inconsiderate, bossy, unpleasant person.

I think there are a LOT of MNetters who have horrid relationships with their parents and refuse to give them an ounce of grace while giving your husband, who has hurt your self-esteem and treated you poorly, more than once, gets a free pass.

I think you also aren't very kind to your parents since you are quick to criticize them and only after others attack them do you go into detail about everything they did do, which sounds like more than your NSDH contributed. They don't sound perfect but nor do they sound like the selfish, unhelpful, mouthy people you made them out to be at first. It does make me wonder how YOU were being when pregnant and asking for this, that and the other and then wondering why your Dad got upset.

Sounds like you you have married a man with similar qualities to your Dad.

I suspect you are always left in charge of your young children. Would be great if your dh took on more of this responsibility to allow you to enjoy social events. (Just guess work)

Family relationships are tricky aren’t they? I know that from my own experience and see it in my children’s relationships with their in laws. Moving from one dynamic ( your family) to another dynamic ( his family) and then your own family unit’s dynamic. Exhausting.

I do agree on not confiding marital woes to your mum ~ she won’t forget it and will likely share with your dad. Use your friends.

I wouldn’t tell DH your parents are pissed ~ I’d say if we host, we have to host and that’s both sets of parents. Your parents are getting older and no doubt your mum is finding the chores more draining. Insist she sits ~ tell her you want to host. If you can’t manage it, don’t host. Work out beforehand what needs doing and who is doing it.

However the ‘make a salad’ order would have made me livid and there would have been words from me about that ~ it’s intolerable to order a guest around like that.

Try to reduce the stress by separating the parents, doing less catering, going out even if it’s a picnic, and planning. Your parents sound just like older parents to me. A bit tricky, but that will be you one day. Trying to negotiate your children’s partners. Good luck.

Marriage is hard and we need outside support to keep it together at times.

Thats exactly the point though, a happy marriage shouldn’t be hard. Your husband should be your primary support. It’s bizarre that you can disagree with such certainty with people who have long successful marriages.

Involving other people won’t make it easier, it will instead spread the heartache and drama and can be seen as betrayal. In a happy marriage partners first loyalty is to each other.

Obviously though you don’t really want advice, or to listen to anyone who doesn’t tell you what you want to hear.

I have my own opinion on this. Let's agree to disagree. That's the beauty of life.

@Nanaof1 i think both parties were a little bit off to be honest. And yes I'm a lazy bitch when pregnant and made my dad my slave.

Friends won’t but your parents will. That’s the point. You offload to a best friend not your mum and dad who will hold every word against him.

I have my own opinion on this. Let's agree to disagree. That's the beauty of life.

😂😂 okay.

Just one thing, you have given quite an interesting perspective on all of this. The first part of the thread is all about people deciding whether it’s H or your parents at fault. I think you need to start closer to home. Good luck 👍🏻

@OhmygodDont from personal experience, the opposite has happened to me.