AIBU to want to help DS stop being so sensitive?

[Hoollaaahooops]

Over the past couple of years my DS, 8, has grown more and more sensitive, currently it’s impacting friendships and even families interactions with him so I want to help develop resilience.

A recent example was my sister was chatting to DS and DD (5) and DD asked if my sister thought she would look nice when she is an old lady, my sister then jokes ‘didn’t you know, some babies when born look like little old people so I already know you’ll look nice when you’re old’ cue lots of laughter from DD. DD then asked if her brother also looked like an old man when born, my sister said of course, babies look a little wrinkly when they come out so DS also looked like a cute little old man. DS laughed for about a second then burst out crying, got really angry at my sister and started shouting that his aunt was being mean to him, he didn’t want to be an old man, and that he never looked like a little old man. He then stormed out the room after kicking his chair over. Obviously interactions like this are putting people off spending time with him, as even the most light hearted comment or joke is taken so seriously. It doesn’t help that DD is so confident and can really take and enjoys lighthearted conversations and practical jokes.

Im working with a play therapist (as he has gone through trauma in his childhood which is why he is so sensitive) who has suggested modelling gentle teasing to help show him that people can playfully tease each other and it’s not some form of attack. However I’ve had a few mean comments from other parents when discussing this with them, so wanted to see if I was being unreasonable for trying to (in their words) ‘change my sons nature’ as apparently sensitivity isn’t something to be ‘fixed’

Currently as it’s early days I’m modelling being teased myself and showing an appropriate response, but it will be worked up to gentle teasing for him to be able to identify when people are joking and when people are being mean.

If anyone else has super sensitive children and had other ways to help I’d also be grateful to hear other techniques to compliment what I’m already doing too, as it’s really impacting him socially.

I have a child like this. It's hard to explain to him sometimes that people are only joking. I have no answers about what's best to do. Honestly it's trying at times.

Oh my goodness, are you me?

my DS also 8 is being teased at school by his friends because they know he will eventually explode. We’ve tried to teach him about banter, but he will fly off the handle. His friends are mostly nice kids, I worry that he is going to be left out becuase he’s hard work at times.

when he’s calm we try help him see how he could have handled things differently, but it’s so difficult and it’s making him sad. His DS is neurodiverse and I am wondering if he might be too.

sorry no advice, but a handhold.

Teasing is bullying, it’s as simple as that. Some take it, some don’t. I hate being teased about anything, is a nasty activity and your sister owes your son an apology

I think your parents might have needed to work on your resilience.

Light teasing isn’t bullying. How is saying someone looked like a cute little old man when they were born mean? It’s accurate

Here's what I teach the kids I work with - something is only a joke if everyone's laughing.

It doesn't matter if you think he's too sensitive, it clearly isn't fun for him to have those sort of comments made, and his aunt should stop.

You focus seems to be on how other people feel about him being upset, rather than where it should be, on other people saying things he finds hurtful.

There are lots of reasons why kids find it had to take these sorts of comments - trauma is one reason, social communication misunderstandings are another. He hasn't just decided to be upset in order to get on your nerves. Kids become more resilient when they feel safe, so the best thing you can do is unsure no one is being unkind in this way.

How did he react to hus aunt's comment about his sister? Did he laugh at that?

Yes we have had to try and broach the topic of banter, he has recently wanted to join a few sports teams but honestly I’m putting it off as I know he just wont get team dynamics and any form of banter in the changing room or on the field/pitch etc.

Its hard as our family in general are quite jokey by nature, for example my mum was diagnosed with breast cancer recently and she got loads of ‘sorry your boobs tried to kill you cards’ so it’s really alien to myself and anyone I speak to about this to be so sensitive about lighthearted jokes and comments.

Thankfully his play therapist has a lot of experience with this but progress is so slow as I don’t quite think he acknowledges the modelling I’m trying to display, he doesn’t seem to pay attention or identify when other people are being teased if that makes sense, so he doesn’t then get the benefit of seeing how they respond in a measured way.

To him it's mean and involved him feeling embarrassed and laughed at.

You say yourself he is a child who has gone through trauma to the point of being in play therapy.

Instead of laughing try following him, explaining they meant he looked super cute, ask of he wants to see one of his baby photos so you can show him how sweet he was. Give him a cuddle and tell him you know he feels embarrassed in these situations and embarrassment is a hard emotion.

Lots of things you can do that help him address how he felt rather than just change the behaviour because ironically it embarrassed you

If you're all quite jokey and he's very literal that won't be fun for him. Poor kid.

I don’t need to work on my resilience thank you very much. You sound really nasty and unhelpful to your son who

Has had trauma already in his 8 years, which sounds bad from the little you have said, has seen his sister be far more confident than him and therefore probably interact better than him, and was told he look like a little old man! That’s simply not acceptable for someone who needs support, not teasing by an aunt who should know better. And tbh lots of babies i have seen at birth and after are not like little old men or woman.

Your family should know what he can and can’t take, and should consider that when interacting with him, they are the adults.

I am leaving this thread now, it’s really upset me that his aunt behaved in this way towards him when she, and you, should know better. I hope his aunt apologised for upsetting him

Because he's not responding to the act of being teased but to the emotion of being embarrassed and he can't feel someone else's embarrassment and won't recognise it if they react as amused when he feels it as unpleasant

She didn't say he looked like an old man now. She said when he was a baby. That's not a mean thing to say...

YANBU, my son is like this and it’s honestly exhausting.

I chuckle at posters saying people need to just avoid things that upset them, for these children that list is endless!

Last week my dad asked my son if he had hurt his hand, as his thumb looked all sore and bruised. My son ran off crying because his grandad was obviously saying his hands were ugly…

be warned though MN is full of parents who were sensitive children themselves so prepare for an onslaught from those who genuinely think gentle teasing is bullying and banter doesn’t exist and it’s just people being mean.

I think rather than teasing him I'd rather sit and discuss and explain the difference to him. Have him say some examples to you, and you to him. But I don't think teasing him sounds like a great option when it's teasing that he's struggling with. (From the parent of a sensitive boy)

@Barnbrack s suggestion sounds far nicer than deliberately teasing someone who finds teasing hard to deal with in order to 'make them more resilient'

I was a very sensitive child who was teased a lot by my parents to make me less sensitive but all it did was make me feel powerless. There is a power dynamic in adult child relationships that need to be acknowledged. So when a parent teases a child that child is put under pressure to react in a way that makes the adult happy. But if the child tries to tease an adult because they haven't got the maturity of conversation they can be told off for being cheeky or rude and they certainly cannot apply pressure for how the adult is supposed to react

So if the trauma related to any kind of situation where the child was made to feel powerless or controlled by an adult etc then this deliberate teasing will be making the situation worse not better

I am now a resilient adult with a good sense of humour. But that's despite my parents not because of them. It took several years after leaving home to feel comfortable around teasing and to be confident in my own skin.

see OP, they’re already out in force.

The fact you can’t even be on this thread shows your resilience should have been worked on.

Nothing the OP has posted that her sister said was nasty. it’s a comment that I’ve heard many parents and grandparents make to their kids/grandchildren. Many babies are wrinkled when they’re born. So do look like little old people until they fill out a bit.

Teasing is so subjective thorough, and what could be construed as ‘just teasing’ to one person, could be a really sensitive area for someone else. I do get why it must be difficult, but I think it’s so common for children to be super sensitive to being teased, and to get much better at dealing with it naturally as they get more mature. Ultimately though I can’t see how you teasing him is possibly going to help, it will just make him feel more insecure, and to be honest it’s just no necessary!

Teasing is only funny if everyone is laughing - that's always what I was taught and what was drilled into us at school.

It's irrelevant that you think what your sister said was mild, or funny, or just something everyone does - your DS doesn't find it funny, so people shouldn't be continuing to tease him.

He's had enough trauma in his past to be in play therapy at such a young age, so there are obviously reasons for him to be as sensitive as he is - and I don't think continuing to tease him so he "builds resilience" is very nice, tbh.

Did you miss that this is professional guidance to model gentle teasing and then to start putting it into practice with the OPs son?

Im a member of many therapeutic parenting groups and this is quite a common technique that seems to work for most children.

It's a really difficult one, OP. But you have to persevere, despite what some are saying. Yes, teasing can cross the line into bullying and ideally, people wouldn't say things that might give anyone pause at any time and we'd all be happy. But the fact is that your son is going to encounter these situations. It's common for people to form intimacy/friendship through teasing and not helping your son to engage at that level will be a social handicap later in life.

We have to prepare our kids to encounter life as it is.

Does he like jokes? Sometimes the back and forth of knock knock jokes etc might help him to get more comfortable with people laughing at things that you might say?

I absolutely hated being teased as a child. I’m autistic and could never work out if people were being serious or not - it felt deeply uncomfortable. Even now, although I can ‘pretend’ to be ok with teasing, it’s still a minefield and I’m pretty good at freezing and not being able to find the right response on the spot, and killing the atmosphere totally dead. I just can’t do banter and I’m sure lots of people think I just haven’t got a sense of humour, which makes me feel awful. I’m always relieved when people are just straightforward and kind and I can relax and enjoy their company. I’d try not to force accepting teasing on your son, but focus on making sure he feels safe and loved and ok with who he is, and trust that his social skills and resilience will grow and change over time.

He's a traumatised child - this isn't a hypersentivity issue, surely?

At 8yo a traumatised kid is not going to be able to rationalise like an adult about teasing! Your family need to back off him for one thing and you really really need support to understand what your son needs and how to help him. Laughing at him is distressing him!

Yeah, as others have said, you need to be very careful with teasing. It’s such a fine balance and if you don’t already ‘get it’ it’s virtually impossible to teach someone to join in authentically.

My concern is that you risk turning your child into that person in the group who makes a joke at an inappropriate time.

The lesson that “people will laugh at you, it is not always meant maliciously and you can choose to ignore it” is enough - if he then relaxes and learns how to join in, fine. If not then just leave it.

Im working with a play therapist (as he has gone through trauma in his childhood which is why he is so sensitive)

I'm sorry your son has experienced trauma at such a young age.

I think all you can do is keep working with and talking to the therapist, and tackle stuff as it comes up.

If he's been through trauma to the point that he's in play therapy, it isn't necessarily going to be an easy path.

And it won't be linear — there will be times when the therapist-prescribed stuff 'works' and times when it doesn't, because that's just how the human brain works.

Whether or not this gentle teasing was cruel or not is difficult to determine by strangers on the internet, who won't all be experienced in parenting a traumatised child.

In terms of that specific event, right now it's just information. I would feed that event and his reaction back to the therapist and see what they say.

Also have probable ASD and haaate teasing - I can sort of clumsily do it, but more often go way too hard or way too soft. And ‘banter’ can get in the sea imo.

@Hoollaaahooops I think the play therapists techniques are well meant, but are clearly not working for your son. If he’s ND they probably won’t anyway - I would sit with him and try to clearly and concisely explain social rules around this kind of thing. A social stories book or two would probably be more helpful for him than modelling something he isn’t clocking and is struggling with - I’d ask the play therapist tp change her approach or find another one who is familiar with ND kids.
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