AIBU to want to help DS stop being so sensitive?

[Hoollaaahooops]

Over the past couple of years my DS, 8, has grown more and more sensitive, currently it’s impacting friendships and even families interactions with him so I want to help develop resilience.

A recent example was my sister was chatting to DS and DD (5) and DD asked if my sister thought she would look nice when she is an old lady, my sister then jokes ‘didn’t you know, some babies when born look like little old people so I already know you’ll look nice when you’re old’ cue lots of laughter from DD. DD then asked if her brother also looked like an old man when born, my sister said of course, babies look a little wrinkly when they come out so DS also looked like a cute little old man. DS laughed for about a second then burst out crying, got really angry at my sister and started shouting that his aunt was being mean to him, he didn’t want to be an old man, and that he never looked like a little old man. He then stormed out the room after kicking his chair over. Obviously interactions like this are putting people off spending time with him, as even the most light hearted comment or joke is taken so seriously. It doesn’t help that DD is so confident and can really take and enjoys lighthearted conversations and practical jokes.

Im working with a play therapist (as he has gone through trauma in his childhood which is why he is so sensitive) who has suggested modelling gentle teasing to help show him that people can playfully tease each other and it’s not some form of attack. However I’ve had a few mean comments from other parents when discussing this with them, so wanted to see if I was being unreasonable for trying to (in their words) ‘change my sons nature’ as apparently sensitivity isn’t something to be ‘fixed’

Currently as it’s early days I’m modelling being teased myself and showing an appropriate response, but it will be worked up to gentle teasing for him to be able to identify when people are joking and when people are being mean.

If anyone else has super sensitive children and had other ways to help I’d also be grateful to hear other techniques to compliment what I’m already doing too, as it’s really impacting him socially.

So, the 8yo made a mistake by being an ugly wrinkly old man looking baby? I don’t think you understand the difference between laughing at a funny mistake someone has done (and thinks was funny too when they told you about it) versus mocking someone for something they have no control over- like their looks.

i’m confused and concerned as to why a play therapist would be working on your child being less sensitive, you need to meet your child where they’re at not try and change them because you’re embarrassed that they’re too sensitive. There is also the possibility your child is neurodiverse, my child is and they’re very similar.

It’s not the same, but funnily enough they’re both methods of bullying.

And you’re not being objective by adding in the “gentle, good natured” crap. Do you know how many school yard and workplace bullies gaslight their victims with the “just joking” and “why can’t you take a joke”?

How many times are children gaslit with the oh boys/girls are mean to boys/girls they like? And told to just shut up and be grateful for the attention or they’ll “lose friends.” It’s twisted.

Desensitising just teaches children that their feelings on anything said about them as a person are completely invalid. That what matters most is not upsetting whoever is saying shit about you while laughing in your face. It’s not a kindness. You’re teaching a child that their place in life is to be shit on.

'So, the 8yo made a mistake by being an ugly wrinkly old man looking baby?'

Good grief. Suggest you read the OP again. No-one was mocking anyone.

'you need to meet your child where they’re at not try and change them because you’re embarrassed that they’re too sensitive.'

It's a big old world out there. Assuming everyone is going to meet your child where they're at is opening the child up to a world of pain. The best thing you can do, while understanding your child's sensitivities, is help them navigate the world so they don't meet everything as an insult or someone having a go at them.

The op's sister told her nephew he looked like a cute little old man as a baby, as most babies do, as his sister did (well, a cute little old lady). There is nothing malicious here, nothing to get upset about, no joke, or tease. If the op's son doesn't learn to navigate this kind of thing, he's going to have a miserable life.

@Coxspurplepippin
DD then asked if her brother also looked like an old man when born, my sister said of course, babies look a little wrinkly when they come out so DS also looked like a cute little old man.

Thats mocking his appearance and he was old enough to be hurt by it:

DS laughed for about a second then burst out crying, got really angry at my sister and started shouting that his aunt was being mean to him, he didn’t want to be an old man, and that he never looked like a little old man.

You know if we recognised the damage such teasing does and people actually listened and stopped, then there’d be less misery in the world. Toughening up doesn’t make the hurt go away. You simply suppress it and when you’ve been subjected to past trauma like this boy has, your tolerance for this sort of thing has been ripped away from you. You can’t suppress the hurt and pretend to laugh along.

I don't understand what you mean about making mistakes. The aunt made a mild joke with the daughter. They all laughed. She made a similar joke with the son and he kicked off. The son had already assessed the interaction between his sister and his aunt and saw no offence. But he decided it was a big deal when it referred to him.

Of course parents can just say that no one should make any comment round my son. And that might work great when he's in the coddled atmosphere of home. And teachers might say no one is to laugh at anything in case someone is offended. And that might work great in a sterile classroom. But life is big and noisy and disrespectful and full of people who think and speak and act differently. And it can become very lonesome for a child that groups don't want to include in case they laugh wrong and he goes off crying to the teacher so they all get punished.

A parents job is to make sure their children are happy and functioning in society. If they are fragile and looking for offense, they will find it continually and they won't be happy. How does that benefit the child? And society does make a lot of allowances for people who are different. But in social situations, those that are fractious and don't learn to join in, will eventually be left out. The op can see this happening already and she wants to help her child have better opportunities than that.

It's not 'mocking his appearance'. It's not teasing. It's having a conversation about what babies look like. How do you think the OP and play therapist should be dealing with it? How do you think OP's son is going to navigate life if he gets so upset by this? It's not 'suppressing hurt' or even about 'toughening up' it's about learning how to react to something which isn't 100% what you want to hear, even though it's a perfectly nice thing to say, to not take offence or umbrage at something where there was nothing to be offended by.

Dealing with bullying or unwanted teasing is one thing. This is not it.

Oh, x-post, just 3 minutes late.........

I actually did not understand why the poster I was responding to brought up mistakes. They said There's no harm in laughing at mistakes you've made or other people joking about it.. The kid didn’t make any mistakes.

I don’t agree the child is “looking for offence”. He’s been through trauma, that makes you fragile and you absolutely do not heal someone from trauma by subjecting them to further hurt whether that is emotional or physical.

He will be happier and functioning if HOME is a space safe from being hurt. The rationale that the world is cruel so I must make home cruel too to toughen up my kid is absolutely wrong. It doesn’t work at all.

It was personal as it was about his appearance as a baby.
It wasn’t a perfectly nice thing to say, it was mean and disparaging.
It was unwanted teasing. The boy was hurt and burst into tears. That’s a pretty big sign the boy did not want to be teased.

He will be happier and functioning if HOME is a space safe from being hurt. The rationale that the world is cruel so I must make home cruel too to toughen up my kid is absolutely wrong.

It's not cruel to make the joke that everyone looks like a wrinkly old person when they're born. It's not cruel to say someone looked cute when they were born.
Somewhere we have lost the real meaning of these words so even the mildest of things are labelled cruel and bullying.
Building up resilence in children so they can handle themselves and their emotions in the real world is not being cruel.

Gentle teasing is a normal part of play and helps build closer relationships.

A child or an adult that gets upset by every perceived slight, however mild, jocular or well-intentioned, is likely going to have difficulties socially.

The OP says it’s already affecting DS’s relationships with friends and family.

It isn’t about ‘toughening him up’ so that he can survive a harsh, unforgiving world, it’s about helping him enjoy typical human relationships and socialization.

Good grief. Nobody is making this child's home cruel . His Mum is trying to make sure that he has the tools to navigate life, including therapy.

The aunt literally called him cute. She didn't say 'what a fucking butt ugly little old man baby you were, all other babies are beautiful but not you kid, you were the worst.'

You all obviously have no idea that what you are saying is completely wrong for a child that has been through trauma. I’m only sorry I could not explain it in a way you’d understand. I have tried to tell you that trauma takes away a child’s ability to withstand teasing and that even the mildest comments can and do deeply hurt them. They also have hyper-vigilance because if this person could hurt them, then any hint that another person could hurt them will set them off on a trauma response.

You do NOT heal a child from trauma by exposing them to everything you think a child with no trauma history should be able to handle with the idea to desensitise or toughen them up because it has the opposite effect. The best way to help a traumatised child is to ensure that their home is a safe space where they can trust every person in the home to not hurt them emotionally or physically. And if they accidentally hurt the child, they should apologise and avoid doing it again. Not invalidate the child’s feelings and decide that more teasing is necessary to “build up a tolerance.“

The child needs a proper therapist who specialises in childhood trauma.

What makes you more qualified to opine on what’s best for the OP’s child than his actual therapist?

Even if you’ve been through similar before, I doubt there’s a universally-agreed one-size fits all approach for helping all children who have experienced some trauma.

My DS was very, very similar at a similar age.

My DS didn’t need resilience training. He needed approbation and self-confidence. When he was being teased, he felt insulted / put down / made to feel small. It didn’t even need to be teasing - just anything negative. It was EXHAUSTING.

But we learned to roll with it. We just lay off him totally for a while. Just let him be. Life was boooooring, for him as well as for us. Then we started a little with him, and he started a bit with us and his siblings. It built up. Being a child, obviously he crossed the line and we had to reel him in again. But he got there. It helped a lot that he actually has a very good sense of humour.

He’s just not the type of kid who finds teasing funny. There’s plenty he does find funny, just not jokes ant anyone’s (his or others’) expense. He often feels hurt for me! He’s sensitive. He will figure it out as he goes along. I’m not worried for him. He’ll be the kind of man in the pub who doesn’t do “bantz”. He will just walk away, find it distasteful. But he’ll have his group of friends who find their own things funny. Whatever.

Finally, I think a normal response from your sister would have been to say “oh no, what did I say??! I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean it in a bad way - it’s just the way I think ALL babies look. Including me when I was born probably!”. It’s not normal to think less of a child for not finding your family’s brand of humour funny, to find him errant and your ways the standard he must meet. He’s different from you. Banter isn’t clever or particularly funny for many many people. It helps a person get along with a variety of people, but that’s not especially noteworthy either. I think you should reassess how valuable bantering skills are to a happy and successful life!

It's good you're working with a therapist to work on his emotional regulation skills.

Does he practice the techniques at home?

Another adult who puts their own embarrassment and discomfort above their child's. Why is your embarrassment at a child expressing their upset more important than a child's embarrassment and difficulty dealing with it?

Of course you can't never upset them, from toddlerhood they get upset over the wrong cup let alone any other perceived slight.

How hard is it to say 'ah, sorry, I didn't know you didn't want to be like an old man, do you want to see an actual baby photo to see how cute you were?' and then aunty say'yeah, sorry bud, I was making a joke, I'm sorry it didn't feel very funny, then move on?

These adults horrified at the thought of saying sorry for hurting a child's feelings 🙄

What if he'd always thought of babies as cute, never heard the old man things, has a younger sister so remembered her being cute, has seen babies and adults thinkin babies are cute. Maybe doesn't feel so cute himself. Then he's toldhe wasn't even a cute baby, looked like an old man so he'll feel embarrassed and ugly. Kids brains are not fully developed, they don't get the full logical explanation yet.

Resilience is not built by teasing. Look up resilience, it's built by feeling understood and validated and su0orted by those you trust.

I am a professional who works in this area. I would work on developing a Growth Mindset. I would print Growth Mindset affirmations / quotes and make a display in his bedroom.

I would also use the following videos:

I was a very sensitive child (only) OP. VERY. I had no friends all the way through school because I was a pain in the ass and my parents didn’t teach me how to deal with teasing. My dad’s also an only child.

I’m now in my 40s. My husband and I have an extremely bantery relationship and take the piss constantly. I have this deadpan, really quite black sense of humour and a wide friendship circle. But I still deal with real conflict very badly and take it to heart. I’m really, REALLY struggling with this quite difficult woman at work, for example and it’s making me miserable. I could have dealt with that situation much more positively but haven’t.

i don’t know what the answer is but I reckon modelling teasing is a good idea and trying to “toughen him up” a bit. Nobody helped me with that in a safe environment and I think it would have helped me much earlier so I could have made and kept friends at school. It sounds tricky: good luck!

@Hoollaaahooops go for the sports teams. He's asking to do it. At this point I'd grab this by two hands as he actively wants to! They don't generally go in changing rooms at 8 - they change at home. You really shouldn't need to worry about unsupervised changing room banter at this age.

Choose your clubs wisely - friendly ones, not pushy competitive ones where they compete with each other hard to get into the team.

And choose the sport well too. In my experience with boys we've had "banter" with football but none of the other sports, so I'd suggesting choosing a different sport (which should be easy to do at this time of year).

I can see why he doesn't like being teased and didn't like his aunts comments. Personal experience tells me not to tease people at home as this can make the person feel bullied in their own home. I would also consider ASD not "hypersensitivity"

I remember being a child and constantly being told 'you're so sensitive, nobody can say anything to you!'. Looking back, I was insecure and needed to have my emotional cup filled much more than it was. My parents did their best and loved me but it was always my fault if I didn't like being teased. It continued into adult, including prodding my belly 3 months after having a baby and commenting on my baby weight, followed by the 'We were only joking! You take everything so seriously!'.

As it happens, I now love when my husband teases me because I feel that it really comes from a place of love. He will maybe act out something that I would say in a silly voice and it's the one thing that makes me cry with laughter. He doesn't tease my appearance or anything like that, but the way he does it really is funny. I 'do' him too as he finds it really funny. One of my kids is extremely sensitive but I think he has seen us teasing eachhother so he doesn't take these things to heart. I also make sure to do whatever it is that I can do to fill my kids' emotional cups each day and think that inoculates them against hypersensitivity somewhat.

However, I draw the line at mean teasing, and don't use it is an opportunity to highlight anyone's flaws or make anyone feel uncomfortable. If I feel it's going down the wrong route, I stop immediately and say sorry.

I was a very sensitive child. I detested teasing and still hate it as an adult. I could make distinctions between comments like your sister made and
something more aimed at me being the butt of the joke though. As I got older I did get more familiar, comfortable and easy with people trying to laugh with me than at me - if you keep reinforcing these, he will, with age, start to relax a bit I think. Is he short tempered otherwise? Mine settled with age but it took longer. Definitely work on some strategies for lengthening his fuse or staying calm!

I think it's hard to get someone who hates being teased to accept it and start to banter though; it's just not in their world view. I still don't take teasing where someone appears to be making me the butt of a joke or singling me out or from anyone I don't know well enough to be sure they're trying to laugh with me not at me. I don't think we should ever suggest it as acceptable and I immediately shut it down.

Is he the sort of child to answer teasers back? If yes, I'd be careful how you play it as it's a double edged sword.