AIBU to want to help DS stop being so sensitive?

[Hoollaaahooops]

Over the past couple of years my DS, 8, has grown more and more sensitive, currently it’s impacting friendships and even families interactions with him so I want to help develop resilience.

A recent example was my sister was chatting to DS and DD (5) and DD asked if my sister thought she would look nice when she is an old lady, my sister then jokes ‘didn’t you know, some babies when born look like little old people so I already know you’ll look nice when you’re old’ cue lots of laughter from DD. DD then asked if her brother also looked like an old man when born, my sister said of course, babies look a little wrinkly when they come out so DS also looked like a cute little old man. DS laughed for about a second then burst out crying, got really angry at my sister and started shouting that his aunt was being mean to him, he didn’t want to be an old man, and that he never looked like a little old man. He then stormed out the room after kicking his chair over. Obviously interactions like this are putting people off spending time with him, as even the most light hearted comment or joke is taken so seriously. It doesn’t help that DD is so confident and can really take and enjoys lighthearted conversations and practical jokes.

Im working with a play therapist (as he has gone through trauma in his childhood which is why he is so sensitive) who has suggested modelling gentle teasing to help show him that people can playfully tease each other and it’s not some form of attack. However I’ve had a few mean comments from other parents when discussing this with them, so wanted to see if I was being unreasonable for trying to (in their words) ‘change my sons nature’ as apparently sensitivity isn’t something to be ‘fixed’

Currently as it’s early days I’m modelling being teased myself and showing an appropriate response, but it will be worked up to gentle teasing for him to be able to identify when people are joking and when people are being mean.

If anyone else has super sensitive children and had other ways to help I’d also be grateful to hear other techniques to compliment what I’m already doing too, as it’s really impacting him socially.

I’m just as qualified as a play therapist because a play therapist is not a trauma therapist.

There are definitely basic dos and don’ts when it comes to traumatised children and the advice on here is full of donts. The stakes could not be higher as this is a young child’s life on the line.

@sheworemellowyellow
Perfect apology for the aunt to do
”Finally, I think a normal response from your sister would have been to say “oh no, what did I say??! I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean it in a bad way - it’s just the way I think ALL babies look. Including me when I was born probably!”. It’s not normal to think less of a child for not finding your family’s brand of humour funny, to find him errant and your ways the standard he must meet. He’s different from you. Banter isn’t clever or particularly funny for many many people. It helps a person get along with a variety of people, but that’s not especially noteworthy either. I think you should reassess how valuable bantering skills are to a happy and successful life!”

Exactly this

Is anyone else reading comments like this and thinking mn is becoming more bonkers by the day? And actually worrying that such posters want us to live in a sterile, humourless vacuum whereby all human interaction is limited to the necessary and mundane niceties?

It’s absolutely bizarre. I don’t know a single person IRL who would think OP is BU. Not one.

I doubt that. After all the dumbo ears and crown on the M of the Mumsnet homepage was in the same spirit as telling a child they looked like a wrinkly old man as a baby- mocking another person’s looks/physical appearance that they have no control over. It got taken down because it wasn’t funny, because such mean spiritedness is not humour. Most people can tell the difference between that and something that is truly funny.

No, she said all babies look like wrinkly old men. Seriously how do you lot cope with the harsh realities of life? Genuinely?

I don't have any practical advice but I disagree with comments you've received saying it isn't something to try and teach him out of.

Left unchecked he could be an absolute nightmare when he grows up.

I agree @aSofaNearYou

Not to mention sullen and friendless.

No- check the OP you are mistaken.
some babies when born look like little old people and then it got personal
DS also looked like a cute little old man

So DS is one of some babies, the kind of baby whose looks you can laugh at and mock and then completely invalidate his feelings and go only joking and don’t be so sensitive and no way am I going to apologise. Just like bullies do.

Yes. It's hard to be involved with someone who will be extremely angry if you recall, for example, the time they did this funny but mildly foolish thing on such an occasion, for example.

For example.

You’re being so ridiculously oversensitive and dramatic I don’t even know how to reply to you.

There really are some people who want to reduce human contact and relationships to nothing but a series of sterile and neutral exchanges, with no humour/opinions/emotion. For us to be fleshy robots whose objective in life is to overthink every interaction until we just rely on a few stock responses. It’s utterly bizarre and I’m so glad I don’t know any of them IRL. I’m so glad my friends and me tease each other something rotten and don’t take ourselves at all seriously - the humour was the only thing keeping me going at some points.

No it isn’t. I’ve no idea how you function as a member of society if you can’t handle being teased

You’d be in tears and falling out with everyone most of the time surely? The sort of person everyone dreads turning up to after work drinks because they know they’ll be reported to HR for opening their mouths.

I corrected your exaggeration of “all babies” to what was actually said which was “some babies” followed immediately by “DS looked..”

You respond to that by calling me “ridiculously oversensitive and dramatic.”
Well now. Who here can’t take even the mildest criticism when they make an error?

Have a good long look in the mirror because that’s not nice at all and I’m not surprised that someone who thinks nothing of invalidating the feelings of a traumatised 8yo and thinks it’s funny to tease them also thinks it’s acceptable to engage in slinging insults online because they were pulled up on an error.

🥱

Firstly your ‘no YOU are’ is just ridiculous, and even you know it.

Secondly, ‘invalidating the feelings of a traumatised 8 year old’? You’d think I had told him to buck up and stop crying over being bereaved or something.

It really can’t be good for your health, looking for malign intent in absolutely everything.

I totally agree with this. I do think teasing and or banter are always mean or bullying but often can be. Either way though because of his trauma this child is over sensitive. Op is right in trying to make it better. A child who kicks of at any perceived slight is exhausting to be around.

At worst people like this become awful to be around because it's all about them and their needs. Them feeling embarrassed, but not caring how they make others feel with their reaction.

I'm sure op has enough emotional intelligence to make sure she is just addressing over sensitivity not normal emotions.

@Garethkeenansstapler

“Firstly your ‘no YOU are’ is just ridiculous, and even you know it.”

I didn’t say or hint that. I even said it’s not nice to say such insults to another person online merely for correcting your error. I’m not like you.

“Secondly, ‘invalidating the feelings of a traumatised 8 year old’? You’d think I had told him to buck up and stop crying over being bereaved or something.”

Good sarcasm there. So it’s only valid to have feelings and cry if someone has died then? An 8yo boy should just “man up”? Nice bit of toxic masculinity there.

“It really can’t be good for your health, looking for malign intent in absolutely everything.”

Et tu. You read my post and thought I was saying “no YOU are” that’s looking for malign intent. Me reading “You’re being so ridiculously oversensitive and dramatic I don’t even know how to reply to you.” And taking it as you meant it isn’t looking for malign intent. It’s there in my face in your own words.

I said ‘buck up’ @HadalyEve 😂 I was spot on when I said you look for offence wasn’t I!

No you really weren’t.

Very strange for you to say I look for offence when you said to me You’re being so ridiculously oversensitive and dramatic I don’t even know how to reply to you

Oh come on Hadaly you’ve embarrassed yourself and proved me right in the process.

Absolutely. The world cannot and will not change for an individual’s sensitivities. So he can either stop kicking off at everything, or go through life with few friends and feeling persecuted at every turn. They’re his 2 options.

Of course given his trauma (not sure what it is but I assume something serious?) it needs a sensitive approach, but an approach it needs. We do our kids no favours by setting them up for a lonely life because their ‘quirks’ just put people off them.

I can’t imagine your therapist’s recommended approach working for someone like me or my daughter, both with ASD.

i had to learn to understand teasing as something many NT people do. It says nothing about the person they are attempting to target, but can be very revealing as to the character of the person doing the teasing.

I can’t help but wonder if a different perspective and way of supporting your son might help him deal with this much more effectively.