AIBU to want to help DS stop being so sensitive?

[Hoollaaahooops]

Over the past couple of years my DS, 8, has grown more and more sensitive, currently it’s impacting friendships and even families interactions with him so I want to help develop resilience.

A recent example was my sister was chatting to DS and DD (5) and DD asked if my sister thought she would look nice when she is an old lady, my sister then jokes ‘didn’t you know, some babies when born look like little old people so I already know you’ll look nice when you’re old’ cue lots of laughter from DD. DD then asked if her brother also looked like an old man when born, my sister said of course, babies look a little wrinkly when they come out so DS also looked like a cute little old man. DS laughed for about a second then burst out crying, got really angry at my sister and started shouting that his aunt was being mean to him, he didn’t want to be an old man, and that he never looked like a little old man. He then stormed out the room after kicking his chair over. Obviously interactions like this are putting people off spending time with him, as even the most light hearted comment or joke is taken so seriously. It doesn’t help that DD is so confident and can really take and enjoys lighthearted conversations and practical jokes.

Im working with a play therapist (as he has gone through trauma in his childhood which is why he is so sensitive) who has suggested modelling gentle teasing to help show him that people can playfully tease each other and it’s not some form of attack. However I’ve had a few mean comments from other parents when discussing this with them, so wanted to see if I was being unreasonable for trying to (in their words) ‘change my sons nature’ as apparently sensitivity isn’t something to be ‘fixed’

Currently as it’s early days I’m modelling being teased myself and showing an appropriate response, but it will be worked up to gentle teasing for him to be able to identify when people are joking and when people are being mean.

If anyone else has super sensitive children and had other ways to help I’d also be grateful to hear other techniques to compliment what I’m already doing too, as it’s really impacting him socially.

Aw, if only we could all just stop anyone being unkind to them ever.

The world isn't like that. They will be faced with sarcasm and challenges at every step of their childhood at school, and at work/social life when an adult.

Trying to desensitise your kid is a KIND thing to do. He obviously currently associate any criticism, however gentle or in jest it is, as a personal knock on his character which must feel awful. Much better to see if he can start to accept it.

Anyway OP. The trauma puts things in a slightly different light (more gentle approach needed) but yes he needs to toughen up and realise that laughing at yourself isn’t just something to grit your teeth and get through, it’s actually enjoyable, and can make you very popular and likeable.

Playful teasing is a normal and beneficial part of healthy relationships. The line between helpful and harmful teasing might sometimes be hard to perceive, or inadvertently crossed, but statements like ‘teasing is bullying’, and similar sentiments expressed in this thread, are absurd.

This is so spot on!

Issue here is legitimacy, the OPs son, like mine and some others get upset about the tiniest of things, it’s impossible to never upset them as the most innocent comment can trigger them.

Its tiring, embarrassing and really isolating as after a while people don’t want to hang out with you and your children if they have to be constantly aware of what they’re saying.

The whole world won't change to accommodate someone who is ultra sensitive. It will just bulldoze over them. The adage of it's only a joke if everyone is laughing sounds sensible in the sterile atmosphere of a classroom. But its logical conclusion is that no one can laugh unless everyone finds something funny, and that isn't realistic. Leaving aside nastiness, all groups tease each other, it's a sign of affection and acceptance. It's where you learn boundaries of how far to push and when to back off. If someone continually whines over things or kicks off, they'll just be omitted so the group can have a laugh without them.

It’s legitimate to them, but it shouldn’t be. That’s the issue. In life most friendships and bonds are forged by a shared sense of humour, which sadly these children don’t have.

It’s something many professionals do advocate for parents to work on, not just leave children being so overly sensitive to basic comments and lighthearted banter.

So your son has gone through trauma and you are asking why he is not coping with ''teasing''?

I really despair sometimes.

Also you need to accept people are different. Because you are a ''jokey'' family does not mean your son has to fan of silly jokes.

I am not sure your kid is really the problem here...

Interesting thread because my 8yo ds is the same. Super sensitive but also very clingy to me and will fly into rages if asked to do homework or practise times tables. He struggles to go into school or be away from me for any length of time. It's an exhausting combination.

I don't know how to handle it tbh but you're not alone.

I might consider some private play therapy or counselling for him.

Thing is I remember being similar as a child. I used to have a very short fuse. It has got better over time. I wonder if my parents tolerated it because I was a girl, and maybe (even subconsciously) we expect boys to be more emotionally robust?

There is nothing in the op's sister's comments that could be construed as bullying or even teasing. It does sound as if your DS is a bit oversensitive, and he does need to learn how to manage his feelings, so following the advice of the play therapist seems like a good idea.

So no jokes, ever?

Why is humour so demonised and dismissed on mumsnet? It’s all that keeps me going some days.

Many on here lack the ability to build friendships, most likely due to having no sense of humour at all. Sad really

@DIYandEatCake

Lovely post - spot on x

I did not say “fucking bullying” once in my post so you actually sound more sensitive than I as you’re OTT angry at my opinion so I must have touched a nerve.

I am sorry that you cannot enjoy life and have fun without making a “friend” the butt of your jokes. Are you sure you are not the tiresome and friendless one? I have tons of friends as do my children and larger family and these are friends who would not stop at anything to be there for us, or us for them.

Groups that tease are not the only social groups on the planet. 😕
Being excluded from “mean girl” groups isn’t the deterrence you think it is.

You need to accept that this is his personality and treat him with more respect. Build his confidence up, Channel his sensitivity into something constructive (i.e. look after animals).

Banter is all about time and place. What would be a funny joke over a pint of beer, is completely inappropiate at work.

Should parents also hit their kids around a bit as well as say they looked like a wrinkly old man as a baby, as in one ugly baby while laughing at them? After all bullies are rampant in school. By your logic it would be a kindness to desensitise a kid by giving them a few good surprise wallops so they can toughen up for future bullying. Learn to accept that nowhere is safe for them.

My DD (8) is like this. She takes offence to everything. I could say 'DD can you close the door behind you please?' And she thinks it's a telling off. I can say 'you've got a right bedhead today lass' and she's in tears. Dh started saying 'what you laughing at?' everytime she cries and she immediately explodes into laughter. Every single time. So we believe its just a melting pot of emotions at this age. She also has ADHD so we know she can't help it at this stage and she's got considerably more sensitive since she turned 8. The 'what you laughing at' is really good at de-escalating her minor troubles because she often reflects afterwards and says she doesn't know why she cried at that and then we all chuckle and move on fairly quickly. We are mindful to support her if she has a genuine worry or anxiety about something but if she takes offence to something silly we quickly shut it down.

Goodness. That’s ridiculous.

Should parents also hit their kids around a bit as well as say they looked like a wrinkly old man as a baby, as in one ugly baby while laughing at them? After all bullies are rampant in school.

I've actually seen people suggest that a lot. Hit your kids "with love" so they don't murder their school bullies in the future.

Groups that tease are not the only social groups on the planet. 😕
Being excluded from “mean girl” groups isn’t the deterrence you think it is.

Teasing isn't about being mean. I said nastiness is something different. But do you never go out with friends and laugh over different things you've all done and said? Joked and pulled people's legs. There's no harm in laughing at mistakes you've made or other people joking about it. To not be able to laugh at yourself shows such fragility that I don't think can be healthy for your mental health and resilience.

Yeah, smacking a kid is the same as gentle good natured teasing.

Good grief the extrapolation on here, I’m amazed some of you have made it this far in life with such dramatic attitudes.

Yeah, smacking a kid is the same as gentle good natured teasing.

It's only "good natured" if the other side finds it so. If you know it upsets them, and you keep on winding them up - then you're an arsehole.