AIBU to want to help DS stop being so sensitive?

[Hoollaaahooops]

Over the past couple of years my DS, 8, has grown more and more sensitive, currently it’s impacting friendships and even families interactions with him so I want to help develop resilience.

A recent example was my sister was chatting to DS and DD (5) and DD asked if my sister thought she would look nice when she is an old lady, my sister then jokes ‘didn’t you know, some babies when born look like little old people so I already know you’ll look nice when you’re old’ cue lots of laughter from DD. DD then asked if her brother also looked like an old man when born, my sister said of course, babies look a little wrinkly when they come out so DS also looked like a cute little old man. DS laughed for about a second then burst out crying, got really angry at my sister and started shouting that his aunt was being mean to him, he didn’t want to be an old man, and that he never looked like a little old man. He then stormed out the room after kicking his chair over. Obviously interactions like this are putting people off spending time with him, as even the most light hearted comment or joke is taken so seriously. It doesn’t help that DD is so confident and can really take and enjoys lighthearted conversations and practical jokes.

Im working with a play therapist (as he has gone through trauma in his childhood which is why he is so sensitive) who has suggested modelling gentle teasing to help show him that people can playfully tease each other and it’s not some form of attack. However I’ve had a few mean comments from other parents when discussing this with them, so wanted to see if I was being unreasonable for trying to (in their words) ‘change my sons nature’ as apparently sensitivity isn’t something to be ‘fixed’

Currently as it’s early days I’m modelling being teased myself and showing an appropriate response, but it will be worked up to gentle teasing for him to be able to identify when people are joking and when people are being mean.

If anyone else has super sensitive children and had other ways to help I’d also be grateful to hear other techniques to compliment what I’m already doing too, as it’s really impacting him socially.

Perhaps my whole family is super sensitive but to us there is no such thing as acceptable banter or playful teasing. Making anyone the butt of a joke is not something we do. I don’t understand how saying a child looked like a wrinkly old man is acceptable. Why does he have to build up tolerance?

No, she doesn’t.

Does he know that his gran’s got cancer? If he does that could be impacting his emotional state right now too. Kids find the concept of cancer really disturbing. (Hell, so do many adults.)

Even if you as adults are making jokes about it, there will be underlying sadness and worry going on too, even if you think there isn’t, and he may be picking up on that.

Not unreasonable OP. This would seriously piss me off and I would be losing my patience and getting cross at snivelling every 5 minutes. I have not got time to be creeping around and treading on eggshells for a child. He will be in for a shock at secondary school if he doesn't pull himself together.
Of course bullying is unacceptable, but being friendly and knowing how to laugh at yourself is a vital life skill.

My friends little boy was like this. It turned out he was autistic and he just didn’t understand and took things very literally. Other kids are just not very good at being able to laugh at themselves but I’d say most do get better at it in time. If he keeps getting upset when you eventually move onto gentle teasing of him, I wouldn’t go along with this play therapists advice. I’d just work on his confidence, general social skills and making him feel really secure.

A child in therapy for trauma under the age of 8? Snivelling? Eggshells?

Hope you're a troll.

Not unreasonable OP. This would seriously piss me off and I would be losing my patience and getting cross at snivelling every 5 minutes. I have not got time to be creeping around and treading on eggshells for a child. He will be in for a shock at secondary school if he doesn't pull himself together.

God, I sincerely hope you're not a parent...

No . Auntie deserves a vote of thanks for trying to knock this sensitivity aka known as self importance on the head. No one and I mean no one outside of the family is going to put up with this nonsense

If he's experienced trauma, maybe instead of gentle teasing you could work with him on his responses. So if for example, if he feels like he's being teased, he can learn to go to a quiet place instead rather than storming off or kicking furniture etc. One approach could be to help him see that everything he feels is legit but you want to show him better ways of expressing those emotions.

The problem is that while the OP can avoid teasing her child, she can’t control it outside of the home and you do need to have a certain amount of recognition with how to respond to it. I don’t mean that anybody should put up with bullying, but it is exhausting dealing with people who are offended by everything.

I am the parent of a mini Phil Mitchell though. I think he’s cute but he does look like mini Mitchell.

I think you are doing the right thing to try and work with the therapist’s advice.

What do you mean by sensitivity is also known as self importance? You don't choose to be sensitive. We're talking about a traumatised 8 year old and some people on here are being downright nasty.

Some really weird responses on this thread.

Knowing how to have empathy for an 8 year old child who has been through trauma and isnt going to be in his most resilient headspace right now would also be a nice life skill

This is a child who has been through trauma. Whilst no one outside of his family may stop teasing him it would be nice if he had a safe space inside his family where he felt secure whilst he processes and moves past the trauma

And sensitivity is not self importance, in fact i find it far more common that the sort of people who take teasing too far and get annoyed at peoples sensitivity are far more likely to be the self important personality types who don't want to have empathy or consider how their behaviour bothers other people

Oh dear this thinking will just breed kids who have so little resilience and no sense of humour. One must not take themselves too seriously and although it comes naturally to most, some have to learn that skill. Not all banter or teasing is bullying! I speak as someone who was horribly bullied at school.

Just to clarify I am not pointing at this child as he has trauma but to the world in general.

OP I agree with you, this would drive me potty. Plus secondary school is going to be a nightmare for him if he doesn’t learn to take things in a lighthearted way. I do agree though that home should be his “safe space” so maybe you should have a word with your family to make sure they are just plain “very nice” to him for the foreseeable, rather than trying to have fun/a joke with him, as he clearly can’t tolerate it yet and it will just damage his relationships with relatives.

instead I would work on a response with him. If he feels too upset to joke along, he could learn to say “that’s not nice” or something similar and go and sit quietly in a different room or space until he’s calmed down and processed it. Hopefully eventually he can tone it down to just moving away without saying anything, and then eventually when he’s older just taking a deep breath and moving the conversation along.

Exactly the same here with DS(2) a few years ago. His mates could wind him up and did do quite often - and no matter how many times we tried to model better responses and explain about not giving them a rise, he couldn’t do what we suggested. It was really hard and it upset me a lot. He didn’t react as strongly as yours - he didn’t throw over chairs etc but we had tears quite a few times. Not all family members were sympathetic either which if I’m honest still narks me. I was called controlling on another thread for saying I would not have let him be with certain family members without me being there - but this is why. I could calm him- they just looked disapprovingly at him.

In our case he just grew out of it. It wasn’t as bad by 11 ish, and gone by 12. He has a small group of mates mostly similar and he’s happy (now 15). So I don’t have any answers but in our case I think I tried to minimise the opportunities for him to be upset. Trying to ‘train’ him to be less sensitive did not work at all. In your shoes I’d try to shield him from your relatives’ comments for the time being.

This.

How cruel the world must feel for the child. No one has his back. Everyone is telling him that his emotions are invalid.

Awful

Not RTFT but just hopping in to say you ARE doing the right thing on helping your son build resilience.

We do gentle 'ribbing' at home of each other but in a very lighthearted manner and there is an abundance of love and kindness and cuddles.

PS I agree with Feelinadequate above. Try to stop him being subjected to jokes etc at home. The other strategies suggested are good.
In my experience it did pass - so don’t despair.

I don’t know if it’s resilience you need to teach as much as not caring what other people think?? That’s a better lesson imo. I would try and teach this by asking what he thinks of such and such or so and so and then when he says Something negative, try saying ‘well if you think that, so what? Does it change anything?’ Flip it round and explain to him that everyone has opinions and they don’t matter. The person he hates will still be getting out of bed tomorrow and it doesn’t impact his life. The truth is other peoples opinions don’t count unless they are hiring you for a job. That’s the reality as an adult… obviously you want your nearest and dearest to love you and treat you well as life is harder if you’re alone but they’re really the only ones that matter! In the example you’ve given with your sister, he is upset because he cares what she thinks. She’s family so imo it’s normal he feels upset (even at a joke). I don’t think resilience is what he is lacking - the onus is on it doesn’t matter even if she thinks he looks like an old man. Even if she thinks he looks like an old man now - so what?? If you have that conversation with him I wonder what he would respond to that. good luck. I would still really want him to know that his feelings of upset are valid; but ultimately it doesn’t matter one jot what anyone else thinks. x

Ffs, no

You’re super sensitive. Saying babies look like little old men ‘yes even you Jimmy!’ is not fucking bullying. And people who cannot take a joke, laugh at themselves or even realise when something is intended as humour are utterly tiresome and usually friendless. Sure go ahead and teach kids that any attempt at humour from other people is ‘bullying’ and see how much fun they get out of life.