AIBU to want to help DS stop being so sensitive?

[Hoollaaahooops]

Over the past couple of years my DS, 8, has grown more and more sensitive, currently it’s impacting friendships and even families interactions with him so I want to help develop resilience.

A recent example was my sister was chatting to DS and DD (5) and DD asked if my sister thought she would look nice when she is an old lady, my sister then jokes ‘didn’t you know, some babies when born look like little old people so I already know you’ll look nice when you’re old’ cue lots of laughter from DD. DD then asked if her brother also looked like an old man when born, my sister said of course, babies look a little wrinkly when they come out so DS also looked like a cute little old man. DS laughed for about a second then burst out crying, got really angry at my sister and started shouting that his aunt was being mean to him, he didn’t want to be an old man, and that he never looked like a little old man. He then stormed out the room after kicking his chair over. Obviously interactions like this are putting people off spending time with him, as even the most light hearted comment or joke is taken so seriously. It doesn’t help that DD is so confident and can really take and enjoys lighthearted conversations and practical jokes.

Im working with a play therapist (as he has gone through trauma in his childhood which is why he is so sensitive) who has suggested modelling gentle teasing to help show him that people can playfully tease each other and it’s not some form of attack. However I’ve had a few mean comments from other parents when discussing this with them, so wanted to see if I was being unreasonable for trying to (in their words) ‘change my sons nature’ as apparently sensitivity isn’t something to be ‘fixed’

Currently as it’s early days I’m modelling being teased myself and showing an appropriate response, but it will be worked up to gentle teasing for him to be able to identify when people are joking and when people are being mean.

If anyone else has super sensitive children and had other ways to help I’d also be grateful to hear other techniques to compliment what I’m already doing too, as it’s really impacting him socially.

He doesn’t “kick off at everything” and his options aren’t put up and shut up or you’ll have no friends. As I said before mean girl/boy groups are not the only social groups on the planet. There are tons of friendship groups who don’t think belittling and mocking is “friendly banter” or “good natured teasing” or that it is even a necessary part of friendship.

I have sympathy for you having the world view that you have to accept such behaviour from your friends or you will have no friends, it’s probably because that is all you know. 😢

@HadalyEve Teasing can be harsh, especially when you can tell you are winding the person up. But objectively, the example in the OP is not like that. It is not bullying, and he will not be able to go through life kicking off every time something says something on that level, because it will happen often and it is NOT a mean girl/boy situation. It wasn't mean. It was very mild, and not really directed at him. He would not be the victim in that scenario, and such overreactions will cause him a lot of trouble.

Children don't all develop at the same rate so I would ease off. Just talk through each exchange when a problem emerges (once he js calm) no need to expose him to more uncomfortable situations if they are distressing him. Exposure therapy which is sort of what you are suggesting isn't likely to work for a traumatised, sensitive child.
I have 1 child you gets teasing and 1 child who doesn't. He is very articulate and clever but just struggles with some social communication issues as he is autistic. He might get upset because he misinterprets something, doesn't understand it or just because he loathes attention (if it's directed at him). He will and is learning as he gets older but intentionally exposing him to more uncomfortable or distressing situations would basically traumatise him (and it's basically ABA which has been shown to be damaging). It's not necessary to do it more - there's enough learning opportunities in life as it is.

It’s because I’ve got a sense of humour. And that’s why I have friends. So many posters on here say they don’t have any, so no need to have ‘sympathy’ for me 😉 (we all know you’re just being facetious anyway).

I have a sense of humour too. There is a lot that is humorous that isn’t making fun of or tearing down other people. Im being as facetious as you are.

I think many on here who are "pro teasing" and "humour" would not be very amused if another adult joked with them in a racist, misogynistic, or homophobic manner.

You’d be in tears and falling out with everyone most of the time surely? The sort of person everyone dreads turning up to after work drinks because they know they’ll be reported to HR for opening their mouths.

In real life i just avoid arseholes. I have enough friends to drink with.

There is teasing that is harsh and teasing that is not. This is the latter.

Was the sister racist or homophobic?

Was the sister racist or homophobic?

Doesn't matter, the kid did not understand this was meant to be a cute joke and not being called ugly.

@Tinkerbyebye

can you explain why what OP’s sister said is teasing/bullying?

babies do look like little old men when they’re born! And what’s so bad about looking like a little old man anyway?! Hardly a terrible insult.
what she said was just facts.

And what’s so bad about looking like a little old man anyway?!

To an 8yo child, they probably look scary or ugly. And he took as being called ugly himself.

Yup! Totally agree!

I’m sorry but this is the shameless targeting and bullying of old men. Who is picking on the way people look now?

Why say it then?

@Garethkeenansstapler

why say anything?! Sounds like OP’s sister was just chatting light heartedly with the kids

No I meant why did she drag ‘misogyny, racism and homophobia’ into it? Totally irrelevant, just bizarre

(PP that is)

Babies don’t really look like old men to me and I have very bad eyesight.

Some babies, mine included, look like spuds.

the irony of you saying you don’t need to work on your resilience while in the same post flouncing off because this thread about someone else has upset you so much…

@HadalyEve

i think this thread is proving really discriminatory and bullying of old men and their appearance!

Me too. They’ve been called ugly and scary by posters who claim they have zero tolerance for ‘picking on the way people look’

Hoisted on their own petard

No old men have been harmed in the making of this thread, but a real 8yo traumatised boy has been hurt and you’re recommending that he be hurt more.

How do you know no old men have read this?

When I was a child my mother said to me several times that when I was a baby I looked like Queen Victoria. This is because I have no chin to speak of.

In my 30s I asked why she had said it, as I had never heard of anyone else describing their baby other than beautiful, I fell in love at first sight, the most perfect etc etc. It had always sat badly with me, this worrying comment.

she said, oh, I just meant you looked like Queen Victoria when she was a baby.