I've been with my husband since I was 16. I want to know what people really think?

[OrchidArcade]

Just that really. I always feel a bit embarrassed saying it, if it comes up in conversation. I'm sure people don't voice their inner thoughts such as 'how have you only ever had sex with one person' as an example. I guess this is a.sort of AMA slash what are you really thinking thread;

Of course you disagree. It doesn't change the fact the things you cited as reasons for knowing you still love him don't really indicate love. Maybe not dependency bit certainly security, that's not necessarily love. I'm not saying you don't love him btw, just that your reasons are not strong indicators.

I find it quite baffling. I didn’t marry until my forties and I still felt too young. At 16, I was such a child. My twenties and thirties were spent with various boyfriends, travelling and making lots of mistakes. Everyone’s different though and if you’re happy, nothing else matters 🙂

@Freeballing you're right! I never said that. Like you I moved to a buzzing city, studied hard for my dream job and did lots of traveling

@nirbil fair enough. I could have mentioned other indicators but these ones came to mind.
How about being able to tell him stuff I couldn't tell my best friends or having a blast when we get a child free night together?

If you’re both healthy and happy together, who cares what anyone else thinks. You’ve nothing to be embarrassed about. Some people meet ‘ The One’ when they’re young, others in later years.

I knew someone who married her teenage boyfriend and I did wonder about it. When I think back to who I was as a teenager, I was so immature and a completely different person. I had a bad childhood and have carried a lot of trauma. Most of my relationships have been dire, as I had poor role models in my parents, a co-dependent attachment style, and it's taken me up to my forties to learn how to set boundaries and generally be happy, content and emotionally stable. For all these reasons, I know it would have been terrible for me to have stayed with a teenage boyfriend all these years, because I would have chosen poorly at that time, and still needed to do so much work on myself before being in a place to be able to have good relationships that weren't damaging to me or my partner. The woman I knew who is in her thirties and married her teenage boyfriend was very sensible, a high earner and seemed to have a decent relationship. I can only imagine she came from a supportive and loving family and she knew herself well and what she wanted from a young age. I don't think she's missing out on anything, any more than anyone else is missing out on anything for the paths they haven't gone down. I think this amount of self-awareness is rare in someone of such a young age though, and would generally be very wary of people being with one person their whole life, because most people need more time to develop their own personalities, and if they're from a messed up home need to work on their ways of relating to people and managing their emotions, which can involve a lot of trial and error due to a chronic lack of mental health services. Same thing with having kids. I don't have kids, and I thank God that none of those terrible ex-partners ever got me pregnant. It's all very well people slating women who choose not to have kids as though we're permanent spoilt children or party animals. I was in no fit state to be a mother and neither were the men I got together with, it would have been a disaster all round. I wouldn't wish all the crappy relationships and the pain they've caused me on anyone, and I really hope you're happy and cherish the one you love.

I wouldn't think anything at all. I don't understand the need to over analyse other peoples lives and relationships.

Marrying in your 30s doesn't guarantee anything. You don't win the game of life just because you've had a few boyfriends or lived alone.

I have two friends who both got married recently - a lot later than the rest of us. I did a mega internal eye-roll when one said, "yeah, neither of us wanted to settle and we were both really picky, better that way".

An incredibly selective memory she had there - both of them had significant, ongoing fixations on utter dickheads. The sort of guys that you'd despair of your friend being with. (for balance there are shit relationships of other age stages too, but it's not a set pattern!)

Experiences, or wider experiences, aren't universally good or bad. It's how good someone is at learning from other people that makes the difference, IMO, above direct experience.

Its short sighted to think that relationships that began at 16-20 and are still going are codependent.

Dh and I are not at all codependent! We do our own thing, spend lots of family time together with the kids, cope perfectly fine alone when the other is away, don't need each other for anything.

They are not all codependent but the example the OP cited of why she felt it was true love sounded pretty codependent to me.

They are not all codependent but the example the OP cited of why she felt it was true love sounded pretty codependent to me.

What does define love? What is the correct way to love someone?

No, she said if she feels scared or panicked about something, it's dh she wants. That's not codependency!

Codependency would be her being panicked or scared when he isn't there.

I don't think a notch on the bedpost for each sexual partner is anything to celebrate, so well done you and DH. One of my best friends was married at 18 to another 18 year old she met at school when she was 12. They celebrated their ruby wedding anniversary a year or two ago. I have only had sex with two men, DH1 and then DH2. You learn so much from a long committed relationship.

My stepson married his girlfriend that's he's been with since they were 16. Got married when they were 28, are now 32 and have a six month old baby.
No one thinks anything of it.

I think it's lovely. I also have a lot of respect for a couple who can sustain a healthy relationship while changing and growing up. I loved dating and being free and single in my 20s but if I had found my wonderful parter earlier I would have always chosen him!

Can I just add that if people who didn’t meet their spouse until their 30s appear judgmental of the teen love stories, it’s probably because they’ve been tormented by smug marrieds for years and they’re trying to balance things up a bit! As a single 30-something I had vast amounts of unsolicited pity and dating advice from friends who hadn’t been on a date since their husband took them to the post O-level school disco, and it drove me mad.

@Hoollaaahooops I think you can just know if you've met the right one. I'd had one other bf before I met my dh when I was 17. I didn't think "I'm going to marry this one" as I was so young; but I knew after meeting him that we'd be going out for a long time. 40 years later we are still happy. Of course we've had our ups & downs & wondered if we'd perhaps missed out on certain things; but we've been happy & can't imagine our marriage ending.

On another note I wonder what people would make of my parents situation. My df was a lovely, well liked man. Not creepy in any way, always put my mum, me & sister first. Always made sure both sets of gp's were OK in their old age; but here's the crunch. He met my dm when she was 15 & he was 21! He actually thought she was older than 15. They were both smitten & had a long distance bf/gf for a few years whilst he was in the Raf. My mum says they didn't sleep together until their wedding night. Their generation considered it wrong to do otherwise. When he left the Raf they married & had 58 happy years of marriage until he passed away in 2020 from covid. We had a good life & he was never a creep!

I think it's lovely. If you are happy who cares what others think. My daughter wants this, she adores her boyfriend and they are 19. I'd be thrilled if they stayed together

I’d have loved to stay with the bf l met at 20. I hated all the dating and crap. I had no desire to sow my wild oats and just wanted to be with one person.

So it is misery loves company got it.

So what is the magical way to know you're still in love @nirbil as you are seemingly the voice of wisdom on this matter?

So what is the magical way to know you're still in love @nirbil as you are seemingly the voice of wisdom on this matter?

I don't think there is one 'magical' way. I just didn't think that the description OP gave (wanting him when panicked or scared) was particularly indicative of being in love.

I'm not trying to be a voice of wisdom btw, I just picked up on one thing that could have been taken in different ways. I saw it differently is all.

I would feel this is quite sad too but I can’t comprehend why. I guess it’s because 16 is so very young.

I can’t comment too much however because I’ve only been in one relationship - we didn’t get together until I was 24 though, and I had my own house by that time.

Frankly the relationships I know where they met at school aren’t that great. In sevetal cases it doesn’t seem to have dawned on the woman that you are actually allowed to break up with someone - you are not obliged to stick with your first ever boyfriend.

My first boyfriend at 17 was an utter twat though which affects my view I dread to think what life would have been like with lumbered with him.

I totally agree with this. Living on my own was so fantastic and I really learned what it would take for me to give that up.