I've been with my husband since I was 16. I want to know what people really think?

[OrchidArcade]

Just that really. I always feel a bit embarrassed saying it, if it comes up in conversation. I'm sure people don't voice their inner thoughts such as 'how have you only ever had sex with one person' as an example. I guess this is a.sort of AMA slash what are you really thinking thread;

With respect- and I do mean that sincerely, not passive aggressively- how much adult experience can anyone really have had at 18? It's not really comparable to those who have dated into their adult years and have that perspective. At 18 you're barely out of school and have had, at most, 2 years of living on your own presuming you moved out at the earliest possible chance.
I don't say that to be harsh so my apologies if that's how it reads. Just thinking back to when I was 18 and felt super experienced but realise now in my 40s that my dating experience at 18 was not as big as I thought at the time.

What kind of nonsense is that, roles change as life changes, eapecially if children come along, topics to discuss change as your life changes, been with my husband for 17 years and not once felt like we got nothing in common or dont have something to talk about- hence why we are still together/married.

My DSis has been with her now DH since they were 15. I don’t really notice it tbh and haven’t had any thoughts about it until reading this thread. I guess it’s nice because her DH feels a bit like an extra sibling. Perhaps I am too close to have specific thoughts because I am a family member!

I think 16 is too young to be in a committed long-term relationship really. I think most people are not sufficiently emotionally mature for it and I think the opportunity cost in terms of other experiences you are not having because you are wrapped up with the relationship is very high.

We went to different universities so for 4 years we did a lot of things separately, seeing each other every 2-3 weeks in term time and more so over the holidays (lived in same town) which we had plenty of from university. This was before smartphones, texting and email. We had to use phone boxes and wrote letters.

I don't think you go into a relationship at 16y thinking it will be forever. It just kept going. Once we'd done university then thats when we got more serious in the sense of moving in together.

We were exclusive before that (tbh back in the 90s we had far less 'stages' to dating compared to what I see with dd and her friends these days) so we weren't going off with other people but we had our own friends, as well as joint (and separate) friends from home and lived our own lives. I could have cheated and dh never know but I honestly never met anyone else I'd rather have gone off with. He claims to have been the same and I have no reason to distrust him. I will never know and would probably rather not know these days, but I equally have no reason not to trust his word - in the same way he trusts my word.

I don't think there is anything I would have done particularly if Dh hadn't been around. In fact we probably did more in some ways than some of our single friends. We've had a fab life and are still enjoying it - together.

And for us it isn't that unusual. We have a number of friends who met their now husbands/wives at school, sixth form or university.

Would I have wanted it for dd? I'd want her to do what made her happy. She's 21 now so that time has passed. There are certainly some aspects of single life and dating I'd rather she hadn't have to experience - but so would she. But there are other aspects to not having a boyfriend at this stage that are making her next choices a little easier. So - it wouldn't have bothered me so long as she was happy and was still free to do what she wanted with her life.

I was 16 when we met, got married when I was 22 we've been together 23 years and are still very happy.

Our relationship has changed over time and we've grown together. I'm not in any way ashamed of it and am glad that we've been able to have so many years together.

@Bloopsie

What kind of nonsense is that, roles change as life changes, eapecially if children come along, topics to discuss change as your life changes, been with my husband for 17 years and not once felt like we got nothing in common or dont have something to talk about- hence why we are still together/married.

That's fair enough. I'm sure plenty of people are happy enough with this setup. I just think the experience of being an independent, unattached adult is really life-enhancing.

You miss out on so much by having one person as the constant frame of reference for everything and the way you look at the world is shaped so much by their perspective. You don't develop as an independent person with independent thoughts and ideas.

I would think that it is unusual, but other than that I would not think anything else really. Not everybody sees the merit in sleeping with lots of people. I certainly do not.

It's unusual, I guess, to find someone who compliments your personality to the degree that you can build a lifelong happy marriage at 16 yrs. Most people are still establishing a sense of self as an adult much beyond this point. Which could mean that you were extremely lucky or, and I suppose this is where people may be a little cynical, that one of you is so amenable that you simply mirrored the other as you grew - and that would point to a relationship which was stifling - even if in a passive way.

But, you know, this is life, it's not paint by numbers - you have to make it up as you go along. Who cares how many people you have slept with, it's nothing to do with anyone else.

I met my husband when I was 17, we married when I was 22, I was happy, we had 2 sons, and thought we both were content until 20 years later, when I realised he was being unfaithful and had been for a couple of years. It was a great shock, I tried to make it work but he continued to be untrustworthy. It is 30 years since we divorced, and I am still realising how deluded I was, and how much shit I just accepted during our marriage. I thought at the time that he had changed dramatically, but now I know he was never the man I thought he was, my mistake.
I met someone totally different, after a few years, who I would never have got together with, in my younger years, and had 20 lovely years with him, until he died, so quite content with my life. However I feel my judgement might have been better if I had had more experience before marrying the first time.

If their relationship was still
Positive I'd think it was sweet and they were very lucky

If they were unhealthy I'd feel sorry you were trapped by history and fear of change

@Thepeopleversuswork. In an ideal world, I’d have got together with my DH older than 20. I certainly didn’t go into it thinking about marriage or commitment of any sort. In fact we both thought it was a one night stand. But then it became something else. I’ve often told him I fell in love with him by accident. But despite getting together young, we have never been joined at the hip. We’ve been on lots of trips without each other; we each have our own hobbies and friendships groups (as well as some shared ones).

And despite having grown up in the same village, attending the same schools and knowing lots of the same people, we have somehow never run out of conversation! I actually find our shared history a comfort rather than stifling. We really REALLY know each other. I know exactly what his childhood was like because it was pretty much the same as mine 😂 Our parents were often in the same social groups. We can still sometimes talk and laugh about the teachers we had 30-40 years ago, but we find plenty of ‘new’ things to talk about too.

I probably wouldn't think much about it but it wouldn't be for me.

I look back fondly on my days of shagging around. Now been with my husband 10 years and adore him but I'm glad I have something to compare him to.

Interesting everyone else commenting about similar circumstances are all still just in their 30's. Still quite young. I think your 40's is when you really start to reassess your life and realise your time is limited and that can bring about changes, especially in relationships.

I'm late 40s not 30s.

Though I think there used to be a peak in 50s for divorce - which I supposed as it used to be age kids get to teenage/adult years -( less so now as people have kids later )- but I do think that could easily being pressures on a marriage.

I got together with DH at 16 and he was 20. Married in our 30s and still together after 29 years.

Girls often mature earlier, so the age gap didn't seem extreme.

In terms of trying other relationships for the sake of it, that makes no sense to me. There was never any reason to split up. If it ain't broke, don't fix it!

We've lived independently and travelled independently and have interests outside of hanging around with each other. The way I see it is that I got lucky earlier than most people.

I met my DH when we were 18. We are now both 45. I really value the stability of our relationship, it's allowed both of us to be grounded and build other areas of our lives from a solid foundation. We've never had any wobbles or doubts, and have grown together. Genuinely still very much in love.

I'm not suggesting that's the 'best way' to do it but I really don't believe I have missed out by not dating lots of men or having a wild decade in my twenties.

I think the reason that I was able to maintain a long term relationship from 18 is because we are both independent people rather than co-dependent. It meant we were both able to do as we wish (other than sleeping with other people of course). If my DH insisted that we did all holidays, gigs, sport events etc together then I would feel smothered. He would too.

That isn't to say we haven't done lots of great things together too. I reckon going to university made a big difference. I met DH at university but we lived seperately for all three years (one year long distance).

I am only 32 now, but I've never had any reason to doubt my relationship with DH and we've always been quite different people heading with similar life goals (re marriage, kids, enjoying house renovation projects). It's ok to be different as long as you respect and complement one another.

@waterlego that actually sounds like a really good relationship.

I think the key to it has to be independence. A really strong relationship can stay the course if you grow with one another, and as long as you give one another plenty of scope to grow as individuals too.

I’d lived on my own since 17, was at uni when I met DH and had dated a lot (long term and short term relationships) prior

Ive never had a bad boyfriend, or date but I at least had something to compare against when my feelings for DH were different. I’d have easily married my first boyfriend, he was a lovely guy and was great all round, we split for a very silly reason but looking back I know he wasn’t the one once I met DH. But if he had proposed at 16 I’d have accepted, and most likely would have been happy enough.

Plus just because I dated DH since 18 doesn’t mean it impacted my life as a young adult. We didn’t move in together until I was 22, so had experiences living with friends and living alone before we purchased our home. We didn’t get married until I was 26 and had our first child when I was 28.

I know quite a few people who have been with their husbands since they were at secondary school, one was at primary, and they got married very young. They are all very happy.

@Hoollaaahooops your post comes across as a little judgemental considering you also met your DH very young.

I've been with my DH since I was 17 and him 19. He was my first but I wasn't his (he'd had one girlfriend before me so still not very experienced). Now 28 and 30. I feel lucky that I haven't gone through the drama and tribulations that a lot of my friends have with romantic partners. And I don't feel that I've missed out by only being intimate with one person.

Been with my husband since I was 14. Married at 19. Celebrate our 50th anniversary this year.

I started dating DH at 16, he was 18. For us it's just right. We went to separate unis now in our 40s with 2 kids.

We just fit. I think when it's right it's right and you don't necessarily need other relationships to know that.

Also been with my dh since 16 (now 29), it's always been seen as a great thing by anybody who asks!

@Thepeopleversuswork, thank you and yes, I agree with you. Being able to maintain some independence and individuality is really important.

My in-laws got together young (as was quite normal in the 60s), and have been together ever since. They never ever do anything apart, which I find baffling and would personally hate. (My own parents also got together young in the 60s but always maintained their own interests, hobbies and friendships as well as some shared ones).

Somehow, being joined at the hip seems to have worked for my ILs. They bicker and get on each other’s nerves sometimes, but there is still a very deep love there. Not the sort of relationship I’d have wanted but they don’t know anything else and neither seem to have wanted anything else.