To think some people sail through life ?

[Cuberubick]

Please don't think that this comes from a place of envy . It's something that puzzles me . The vast majority of us me included have ups and downs and life is not always fair.

But it strikes me that some people live truly wonderful lives, with no great trauma , no health issues or money woes , great kids etc. Think Richard Brandon for example . I'm not knocking him just using him as an example .

Then there are others who seems to go from one crisis to the next , and have tragedy befall them .

Like I have said for the vast majority of us it's bitter sweet .

Is it a case of mindset ? what you think is what you get ? Who knows .

YABU. Nobody gets through life unscathed. Nobody. Some have more resilience than others, but life is tough for everyone. Just because some people don't show their pain doesn't mean it's not there.

You read that post and believed the poster was only a victim in her own mind? Jesus.

i can’t think of a better way for you to so comprehensively undermine your own point.

for @daretodenim I agree with you.

I think all people have ups and downs, sad times etc - but the traumas you reference are something else and it is not right that people are talking about being able to overcome serious trauma by just having a positive attitude.

This 'resilience' bullshit is very similar to the rubbish that you can 'beat cancer' if you just fight hard enough.

Someone once said my life was blessed.Not in a nice way-behind my back in a 'why her?' way.It really hurt as I had an awful childhood and dragged myself out of my mess of a family to employment.I'd missed out on A levels and uni and never felt I reached my potential.All she saw was my great boyfriend and our flat.She didn't see what it had taken me to get there,how much it effected me still or what I could have done if I'd had the support to complete my education.I not blessed- I made choices.

A bad example, but I agree with you.
Some people do have a fairly easy life where the worst thing that happens is their parents die. This is hard, but part of life. Others have a very difficult life.

I used to think that too until I studied karma. Like I said in a previous post, I think this reaction is due to living in Christian societies focused on sin, blame, punishment etc. In the Buddhist view there is no god doling out punishments, karma is just a natural law like gravity and says that the negative experiences we all have arise from our own actions. It’s not stigmatising anyone because it suggests that we all experience the results of actions in previous lives, and as many agree here, everyone suffers, so we could say everyone is ‘stigmatised’ by their suffering in this case. It’s just how it is, no judgement (for those who believe in karma).

If you knew me you would say I’m one of those people. Happy marriage, positive vibes, I do loads for my community. A good job. People seem to like me. However it’s usually smoke and mirrors, a touch of positive attitude and a whole load of not wanting to burden people with my problems. Things people don’t know about me:- I’ll never be a mum, this breaks my heart. I yearn for more all the time. A better house, a tidier house, a different job, a chance to travel more, a yearning to be liked, to be a better person, a better friend, a better wife, to loose weight. People think I’m sailing through life but under it all I’m just a big mess who keeps it to myself!

I think that to an extent, character is destiny. If you are optimistic, confident, open, fairly sunny, not given to overthinking and neurosis, life will be an easier ride than otherwise, you will approach challenges and setbacks in a more positive way than an anxious, fearful person. But character is also informed by ones upbringing, early experiences etc. So some of it is just plain luck where you land.

There are undoubtedly people with exceptional bad luck, but I agree with PPs in that a huge factor for the average person is mindset. A colleague once said to another colleague that I'd "led a charmed life". I don't think I'm much more or less fortunate than the average person but I try not to dwell on things publicly. I just find it easier to deal with things that way. Doesn't mean that it's always plain sailing.

Every single person has struggles. This thread shows an outstanding level of naivety and ignorance.

You simply don’t think others have struggles because they’ve chosen not to share the details with you. Which is absolutely their right. It’s actually often the people that are the quietest that have the most going on- abusive relationships, money issues, health issues within the family, etc. All of these topics are incredibly difficult to discuss openly and so aren’t often shared at all unless you are a close friend.

To be honest, it sounds like you’re more upset that you aren’t getting any “drama” to talk about rather than being annoyed that people are “sailing through life”. There’s probably a reason why you think everyone in your circle is sailing through… they just don’t want to share anything with you.

And there are others who are their own worst enemy. Losing friendships, jobs, alienating people, drama followed by drama and more drama. Blissfully oblivious that they are the common denominator. I knew someone like that once. She COULD have sailed through life, but chose not to.

No, I am not talking about your reaction to it as someone from a Christian background. I am not talking about your understanding as a westerner who likes to think they have studied the texts. I am not talking about how it actually operates in the communities where karma is a core belief..

@frangipandas Most people who say things like that have had an easy life.
I do not dwell on things that have happened, but they have had an impact on my life. And I have had too many things that are not my fault.

See I still don't think that's a choice, it's a complicated mix of mental health, lack of resilience, probably childhood stuff that's complicated. Even just having a certain personality type. All these things are not deliberate

Honestly you do not know what you are talking about. What you say works for ordinary stuff like redundancy. But what about a close relative being murdered? Should you be sunny and optimistic about that? Or having a child with a limited life expectancy? So you should be optimistic that the diagnosis is wrong?

I mean I do not walk around looking miserable and I have learned to make the most out of every day that is good because life has thrown me so many shit days. But some things are just shit.

No one sails through life, it's just not possible. Everyone will experience grief and illness at some point in their life.

I completely agree. I had two good friends who were ' their own worst enemy'. I also knew their backgrounds and childhoods. And that absolutely helped to explain their personalities. They were unable to see themselves as the common denominator as they needed to psychological protect themselves from acknowledging that. Their experiences meant their sense of self and esteem was so fragile they had nothing in them to cope with the knowledge that they were the factor in these bad interactions.

Your born with personality is also a huge factor. Quite a large proportion of personality is inherited. If you are lucky enough to be born with a resilient and optimistic personality life will always be easier. Someone born with an anxious and neurotic personality will obviously find life tougher. Even if they do try to change their mindset, they will constantly have to be consciously working at that, which is exhausting. Whereas the born resilient optimist doesn't have to work at it at all.

There is a big difference between ordinary stuff that is inevitable. Old people get ill and die for example. And people who have a hard life. If all you have is ordinary stuff you do have an easy life.

Resilience is not really inborn I don't think, I read a great book on the subject and largely resilience is formed in childhood by a complex mix of adverse events and protective factors and very difficult to predict. Trauma hitting at certain times and in certain ways is more likely to cause long term problems. It's all very interesting but yes, hard to increase resilience in adulthood apparently.

Actually I have a friend who has had multiple major traumas. I am not gong to name them in case she reads this, but its the stuff that makes your jaw drop open. Really, gut wrenchingly awful. Its stuff that would destroy a lot of people. Other people would have committed suicide and everyone would understand why.

She openly acknowledges she has been able to cope and move forward as she was born with an optimistic personality. She just always believed, not matter how life shatteringly awful what she was going through was, that she would get through and get back to a good life. Many people who were not born with the good luck of that inherent optimism would not have coped.

@Cuberubick I think you’re right about it being related to mindset.

You could give the exact same things (I dunno, love, possessions, time, money etc) to ten different people and each of those people could have entirely different experiences of what you give them. It’s not about the things they have, but how they experience those things.

How we experience stuff is influenced by our values, circumstances and intellect but predominantly it is shaped by our perspectives, our mindset and our emotional resilience. And these things evolve from our experiences, especially our formative experiences.

One person might be incredibly grateful, another may resent you, another might feel it’s not enough, someone else may feel patronised, another might feel indifferent or awkward, another might feel blessed, another may feel under pressure to return the favour, another might take it completely for granted etc etc.

Apparently gratitude and noticing the good in your life really helps you feel more content, even during hardship.

I don’t think anyone should ever be pressured to find something to be grateful for in certain situations though. Like someone mentioned- the death of a child.

There are times when the only thing we can do is acknowledge how abhorrent and awful something is.

I’m a good example of someone who has had a really shit time but, for the most part, I genuinely feel like one of the luckiest people alive.

Sometimes it borders on unhealthy. I have to watch carefully to make sure I’m not pulling the wool over my own eyes. I have to remember to be a bit more critical and to assert healthy boundaries.

These are some examples of things (this is not an exhaustive list) that cause trauma but have FUCK ALL to do with personality:
Violent/accidental death of a loved one
Death of a child
Extreme illness/health change/disability
Violent assault/sexual assault
Abusive relationship
Loss of home
Stalking/harassment
Being wrongly accused of something - e.g. all those post office cases

These are not things it is possible/realistic to just 'be positive' about.
These are in a different category to ordinary/expected life events.

Many people (sadly) experience one or more of these things, but many people experience none of them.

I absolutely agree with this.

This is the distinction I would make on this subject.

I think you can only know a person in that moment and see how they present and not how they feel.

I’ve had massive life changing events happen to me as a child. Adults currently facing things I did as a child might say “oh you’re so lucky” and I think no, you just assume I’m lucky because you only see the Sisteragatha who bounced back. You did not see me on the floor for several years.

on social media etc I might look healthy, but I have a disability.

I am often told oh I wish I was as resilient and as independent as you are. Great but realise that people fight to be those things in the face of their hardship. I know so many people who face such terrible things but they carry them so well. We can’t ever know what someone else has been through. My brother faced the same hardship as I did and our lives took very different paths so how you react to challenge and let it shape you is a factor.

I don’t think people are born more resilient than others. Some people just refuse to be beaten down. Easy lives are all relative.

I have a friend who, generally speaking, has sailed through life. That’s not to say she has never had a bump in the road but it’s just been a small bump here and there rather than big, traumatic events. She married in her twenties and they’ve had a long happy marriage, her husband is as devoted to her now thirty odd years later as he was back in the early days. They live in a big house and have a holiday home. Their adult children all get on really well with each other and have achieved well. She has a good stable job and he is a white collar professional earning good money. I’ve known her all my life, in contrast my life has been nothing but ups and downs, some really distressing.