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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think some people sail through life ?

260 replies

Cuberubick · 05/05/2023 11:54

Please don't think that this comes from a place of envy . It's something that puzzles me . The vast majority of us me included have ups and downs and life is not always fair.

But it strikes me that some people live truly wonderful lives, with no great trauma , no health issues or money woes , great kids etc. Think Richard Brandon for example . I'm not knocking him just using him as an example .

Then there are others who seems to go from one crisis to the next , and have tragedy befall them .

Like I have said for the vast majority of us it's bitter sweet .

Is it a case of mindset ? what you think is what you get ? Who knows .

OP posts:
mrlistersgelfbride · 05/05/2023 13:19

I agree with the premise of this thread, however you used a bad example in Richard Branson, spelled wrong. He has not had an easy life. He is rich and wealthy now of course, but it doesn't sound like an easy path.

The people I know who seem to breeze through life have rich partners and 'easy' kids. Most people have something or several things they are unhappy with in their lives, but it's not always obvious.

Truestorypeeps · 05/05/2023 13:21

Overall my life has been pretty straightforward so far. I've been on the receiving end of money given to me a few times for various reasons (bonuses, voluntary redundancy, family gifts), I'm not rich by any stretch of the imagination, but I have no desire to be rich, I'm not materialistic (but I would like a slightly newer car!), and we have a good savings buffer between us.

I actually worry for the future in terms of losing anyone close to me as I'm nearly 40 and it hasn't happened yet. My resilience is yet to be tested.

shockthemonkey · 05/05/2023 13:22

user1497207191 · 05/05/2023 13:01

Sorry, but I think Karma is absolute bullshit.

Look at Olivia Newton John - literally everyone who has come across her said that she was a beautiful person inside and out, very caring, compassionate, loved animals, humble, etc. Yet she drew the short straw in life with multiple miscarriages, serious health problems when pregnant, cancer in her early 40s (diagnosed the same day she was told her father had died), a failed business, legal disputes with recording companies trying to rip her off, failed relationships, a partner disappearing (presumably drowned) on a fishing trip, Goddaughter dying of cancer aged around 4 years old, and ultimately her husband running off with her nanny. There's no way she did anything (Karma) to cause all that grief and anguish. It's nothing but random bad luck.

Show quote history

Ah, but @user1497207191 , bad karma in this life may relate to poor choices made in a previous life, or so I understand it. So ONJ may have been wicked in her previous incarnation.

Although otherwise I agree with you, user.

And OP, it's a YABU from me, on multiple grounds.

Beginningless · 05/05/2023 13:22

OutsideLookingOut · 05/05/2023 13:17

Feels like a problematic way of justifying why bad things happen to people - you deserve it because of what you did in a past life.

life is unfair - it doesn’t mean we should just sit an accept it if there is another option. Let’s make things better when we can and acknowledge it when we can’t.

Show quote history

Yes, that’s what I felt when I first heard it too. I think we are so used to the idea of sin and punishment that we hear the concept as ‘you deserve it’. But karma is a law, like gravity. What goes up must come down. There are very detailed explanations of how it works. But in simple terms our actions have consequences. It’s not about deserving to suffer or punishment. We all have lots of positive experiences too and these are the result of positive karma we have created via positive actions.

daretodenim · 05/05/2023 13:23

My goodness, there's some victim-blaming shit appearing on this thread now.

We are not responsible for what other people do to us. We're allowed to feel like a victim after we've been raped, suffered childhood abuse, been in an abusive marriage etc. Many of us have (c)PTSD and it's not a choice that we're living with the emotional aftermath. We don't simply need to reframe our experiences in and to be "liberated" from our past.

And we're not inadequate for not seeing "silver lining" out of our suffering. I can categorically say that the abuse I've been living with for the past 14 years hasn't made me stronger, brought me anything positive. It's broken me. As was the intent.

Resiliency isn't something we can all have if we try hard enough/in the correct way. Many people who appear to have none don't have it because they've been suffering for YEARS, but nobody knows. It's not a character flaw or an inadequacy. It's a sign of serious injury.

But yet again here's a mental health-related thread with people being framed as not trying hard enough, or not thinking in the right way, when they're suffering.

Similarly, those of us who don't have lots of friends or any family to speak of, it's not a character flaw. It's because of what has happened to us (aka by other people). Am I supposed to rely on the single mother who abused me? Or the father who left me? Or a sibling in NZ who doesn't like video calling? Why am I lesser than for not having family? What about my lack of friends? I live abroad in an abusive relationship. I do not have the time nor psychological space to locate enough people to make a nice big network of friends.

The point is, before you write these statements, think that not everybody has your experience. And it's not because you made good choices. It's down to luck. Primarily luck of birth, but not only.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 05/05/2023 13:24

I know what you mean, but I think a lot of it is impressions. Not focusing on Branson, as I don’t know him.

I know someone who gives the impression of sailing through life - married her school sweetheart, who has now done very well money wise. Works part time, nice house, holiday house, lovely children, lots of family local to help with kids etc.

However, it’s far from plain sailing in reality - kids have had medical problems at different times, recently lost a very close relative who meant an awful lot to her etc

So you might look at someone like this and think - gosh they’ve sailed through life, but it’s not actually the case.

FancyFanny · 05/05/2023 13:25

Nobody sails through life- bad things happen to everyone- nobody is immune to loss, illness, work pressure etc. But some people just don't dwell on negativity and present to the world a positive image. Branson being one of them.

Some people I know always have a 'cup half empty' attitude- they've always got it worse than anyone else- when bad stuff happens it's always worse for them because they thrive on the negative attention, they feel the world owes them something and never work to turn things around.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 05/05/2023 13:26

daretodenim · 05/05/2023 13:23

My goodness, there's some victim-blaming shit appearing on this thread now.

We are not responsible for what other people do to us. We're allowed to feel like a victim after we've been raped, suffered childhood abuse, been in an abusive marriage etc. Many of us have (c)PTSD and it's not a choice that we're living with the emotional aftermath. We don't simply need to reframe our experiences in and to be "liberated" from our past.

And we're not inadequate for not seeing "silver lining" out of our suffering. I can categorically say that the abuse I've been living with for the past 14 years hasn't made me stronger, brought me anything positive. It's broken me. As was the intent.

Resiliency isn't something we can all have if we try hard enough/in the correct way. Many people who appear to have none don't have it because they've been suffering for YEARS, but nobody knows. It's not a character flaw or an inadequacy. It's a sign of serious injury.

But yet again here's a mental health-related thread with people being framed as not trying hard enough, or not thinking in the right way, when they're suffering.

Similarly, those of us who don't have lots of friends or any family to speak of, it's not a character flaw. It's because of what has happened to us (aka by other people). Am I supposed to rely on the single mother who abused me? Or the father who left me? Or a sibling in NZ who doesn't like video calling? Why am I lesser than for not having family? What about my lack of friends? I live abroad in an abusive relationship. I do not have the time nor psychological space to locate enough people to make a nice big network of friends.

The point is, before you write these statements, think that not everybody has your experience. And it's not because you made good choices. It's down to luck. Primarily luck of birth, but not only.

This is true too though. And I’m very sorry all this has happened to you.

shammalammadingdong · 05/05/2023 13:27

Beginningless · 05/05/2023 13:22

Yes, that’s what I felt when I first heard it too. I think we are so used to the idea of sin and punishment that we hear the concept as ‘you deserve it’. But karma is a law, like gravity. What goes up must come down. There are very detailed explanations of how it works. But in simple terms our actions have consequences. It’s not about deserving to suffer or punishment. We all have lots of positive experiences too and these are the result of positive karma we have created via positive actions.

Show quote history

No. Gravity exists. Karma doesn't.

AdaBrady · 05/05/2023 13:27

I think some people look at me and think I’ve sailed through life.

I haven’t. Like everyone else I’ve had horrible things in my life. I just keep the vast majority of those private and don’t like to burden others with my troubles.

My sister on the other hand can’t fart without telling someone about it, so you best every single negative thing that’s happened to her.

Maryslargelamb · 05/05/2023 13:28

I know lots of people will come on to say, ‘everyone has their ups and downs’ but some people just do have easy lives. I’ve met people in their 50s who openly state that nothing bad has ever happened to them.

Some people go through major trauma and some don’t.
Some people everything works out for after blips. These people are easy to spot as they like to say things like, ‘this too shall pass’ or post what they like to think are heart warming memes about how adversity is part of their ‘becoming’. But some things don’t pass. Some people have to live lives where things just have to be borne.

So what I am trying to say is that yes, there is great diversity in the life one leads, and no it’s not all down to mindset. Some people just have awful experiences, and some do sail through life with nothing bad happening.

AngelinaFibres · 05/05/2023 13:29

There is a very useful quote . Can't remember who said it but someone had told him how lucky he was . His comment was " Yes the harder I work the luckier I get".
People who meet my husband and I would look at our life and think we had had enormous privilege and had a lot fall into our laps. We have had some serious downs in our lives . My now husband was widowed at 38. He watched his wife die of lymphoma in front of him.. My exhusband left me for a 17 year old when our children were 3 and 2. I lost my house and was offered a social housing flat in Cromwell St in Gloucester at the time the murder house was being bulldozed.( Google Fred and Rose West if you're too young to know). Just because someone looks as if it's easy doesn't mean they haven't taken every chance and worked bloody hard to get it all.

shammalammadingdong · 05/05/2023 13:30

daretodenim · 05/05/2023 13:23

My goodness, there's some victim-blaming shit appearing on this thread now.

We are not responsible for what other people do to us. We're allowed to feel like a victim after we've been raped, suffered childhood abuse, been in an abusive marriage etc. Many of us have (c)PTSD and it's not a choice that we're living with the emotional aftermath. We don't simply need to reframe our experiences in and to be "liberated" from our past.

And we're not inadequate for not seeing "silver lining" out of our suffering. I can categorically say that the abuse I've been living with for the past 14 years hasn't made me stronger, brought me anything positive. It's broken me. As was the intent.

Resiliency isn't something we can all have if we try hard enough/in the correct way. Many people who appear to have none don't have it because they've been suffering for YEARS, but nobody knows. It's not a character flaw or an inadequacy. It's a sign of serious injury.

But yet again here's a mental health-related thread with people being framed as not trying hard enough, or not thinking in the right way, when they're suffering.

Similarly, those of us who don't have lots of friends or any family to speak of, it's not a character flaw. It's because of what has happened to us (aka by other people). Am I supposed to rely on the single mother who abused me? Or the father who left me? Or a sibling in NZ who doesn't like video calling? Why am I lesser than for not having family? What about my lack of friends? I live abroad in an abusive relationship. I do not have the time nor psychological space to locate enough people to make a nice big network of friends.

The point is, before you write these statements, think that not everybody has your experience. And it's not because you made good choices. It's down to luck. Primarily luck of birth, but not only.

Oh stop it. It's only victim blaming when you actually are a victim. No-one has done that here.

Too many people cry "victim blaming" when they are only a victim in their own minds. Too many people pretend they have no agency, that they made no choices, that nothing that ever happens to them could possibly be because of those choices.

This is reinforced by believing that other people have it easier than you, that their lives are simple because you haven't heard of their troubles.

Beginningless · 05/05/2023 13:30

shammalammadingdong · 05/05/2023 13:27

No. Gravity exists. Karma doesn't.

Show quote history

I disagree. But that’s ok, I don’t expect you to agree with me, just chiming in with another perspective on the ops question.

7eleven · 05/05/2023 13:31

Nobody sails through life, though I do believe some people have more bad luck than others.

TheRealHousewife · 05/05/2023 13:32

Cuberubick · 05/05/2023 12:09

I've known lovely people who have had one blow after another , yet vile people who for them life just falls their way . It just puzzles me how life plays out sometimes.

This is absolutely spot on! The OH and myself said recently that there is no such concept as karma.

IHateFlies · 05/05/2023 13:32

Some people do sail through life. Most people don't have huge trauma to deal with but often, those who appear to sail through life have coped well with their downs and got back up again.
Some people would not have been able to quote with those same downs.

Fizbosshoes · 05/05/2023 13:32

I think some people have better fortune than others, and agree with pp that a lot of the trauma or loss that some people suffered can't simply be overcome with positivity or looking on the brightside, or "not dwelling on it".

Barnbrack · 05/05/2023 13:32

daretodenim · 05/05/2023 13:23

My goodness, there's some victim-blaming shit appearing on this thread now.

We are not responsible for what other people do to us. We're allowed to feel like a victim after we've been raped, suffered childhood abuse, been in an abusive marriage etc. Many of us have (c)PTSD and it's not a choice that we're living with the emotional aftermath. We don't simply need to reframe our experiences in and to be "liberated" from our past.

And we're not inadequate for not seeing "silver lining" out of our suffering. I can categorically say that the abuse I've been living with for the past 14 years hasn't made me stronger, brought me anything positive. It's broken me. As was the intent.

Resiliency isn't something we can all have if we try hard enough/in the correct way. Many people who appear to have none don't have it because they've been suffering for YEARS, but nobody knows. It's not a character flaw or an inadequacy. It's a sign of serious injury.

But yet again here's a mental health-related thread with people being framed as not trying hard enough, or not thinking in the right way, when they're suffering.

Similarly, those of us who don't have lots of friends or any family to speak of, it's not a character flaw. It's because of what has happened to us (aka by other people). Am I supposed to rely on the single mother who abused me? Or the father who left me? Or a sibling in NZ who doesn't like video calling? Why am I lesser than for not having family? What about my lack of friends? I live abroad in an abusive relationship. I do not have the time nor psychological space to locate enough people to make a nice big network of friends.

The point is, before you write these statements, think that not everybody has your experience. And it's not because you made good choices. It's down to luck. Primarily luck of birth, but not only.

See I think the point most are making and op doesn't seem to see is that it IS mental health related.

Noone is suggesting everyone has the same support network or should have the same resiliency but more that it's not that nothing bad happens to those 'sailing through' which is how op was seeing it.

You lost off all those awful things, I've been through very significant trauma too, my mum is dead my dad abusive and estranged, I've been through unimaginably awful events over the years.

I'm lucky to have resilience, I'm lucky to have good mental health (for the most part) I'm lucky to be academic and therefore able to earn well despite an upbringing in poverty and yes I worked hard but luck is a big part of it.

The point though is many you will see as blessed and as I say, 2 kids, lovely husband, home owner etc but what I've been through in my 40 years I definitely haven't led a blessed existence.

shammalammadingdong · 05/05/2023 13:32

Beginningless · 05/05/2023 13:30

I disagree. But that’s ok, I don’t expect you to agree with me, just chiming in with another perspective on the ops question.

Show quote history

You can disagree all you like, but one is a known law of physics, which can be and has been observed and demonstrated reliably. The other is a religious notion.

Lifeomars · 05/05/2023 13:33

Cuberubick · 05/05/2023 12:09

I've known lovely people who have had one blow after another , yet vile people who for them life just falls their way . It just puzzles me how life plays out sometimes.

This really resonated with me, I had a very dear friend who was a lovely person who had blow after blow in life but always had time for others.To post on here about all she endured before her untimely death from cancer would be too identifying, but it does make me wonder why some people suffer so much. Of course we can never fully know all that is happening in the background of people's lives, I have certainly had significant trauma and many disappointment and have found therapy and good friendships so helpful in giving me balance and coping skills

Maryslargelamb · 05/05/2023 13:33

Nobody has an easy life with no trauma in it

Yes. Yes they do.

wildfirewonder · 05/05/2023 13:33

Cuberubick · 05/05/2023 12:09

I've known lovely people who have had one blow after another , yet vile people who for them life just falls their way . It just puzzles me how life plays out sometimes.

But this is just luck Confused

There is no law that says good people get good things. Wouldn't it all be easier if there was!

Most people have some ups and downs, but certainly some people are very lucky.

shammalammadingdong · 05/05/2023 13:33

Maryslargelamb · 05/05/2023 13:33

Nobody has an easy life with no trauma in it

Yes. Yes they do.

Very very rarely.