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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think British culture is 'fake' nice

155 replies

Wonderingmyhead · 05/05/2023 10:04

First time posting.

Just for background, I've been living in the UK for a long time so I'm a fully integrated resident.

Before anyone asks why am I living here. I've made it my home here and have a family here (DH & DD) but I struggle to understand the whole 'let me know if you need help' in EVERY situation of my life eg any time we'd be doing something be it decorating or, more recently, had a baby. My friends/DH's side of family would all say 'let me know if you need help/we're here to help if you need anything' BUT there's is real intention behind it - just words.

Another one where people say we should meet up/go for a coffee and when I suggest it takes weeks in advance to schedule it and ends up being cancelled in the end anyway.

We had tonnes of people offering help when we had a baby and after getting home from the hospital and realising we don't have any milk etc I told my DH 'well we've had all these help offers' and he told me it's best we order one of those whoosh Tesco deliveries as he'd feel awkward for someone to be dropping shopping off to us without seeing the baby in return (we weren't ready at that point). And any other time I'd attempt to call upon someone's promise it just doesn't go anywhere.

The culture I come from is less polite (which I dislike) and more direct, but if someone offers help they mean it and will turn up at your door to help.

So help out a gal.

So I'm wondering is it just me who thinks this way or AIBU/pessimistic?

OP posts:
rainraingoawaay · 05/05/2023 10:06

To me that sounds more like the circle of people you're surrounded by - where I am, everyone is incredibly helpful and offers all the time! Shopping for ill neighbours, picking things up for friends, helping out when needed etc. We're all over it!

Gilmorehill · 05/05/2023 10:08

People have offered to help and you haven’t taken them up on their offer. What more can they do?

Booklover40 · 05/05/2023 10:09

I know what you mean OP, British people are known for being polite but it can mean that they say things they don't really mean as it's the nice thing to do. Personally though when I say "let me know if you need help" I genuinely mean it and I know friends and family would help me in a crisis.

KimberleyClark · 05/05/2023 10:12

I think British people do genuinely want to help - but they are also respectful of people’s privacy and don’t want to push in where they may not be wanted.

StaringAtTheWater · 05/05/2023 10:15

I'm British and I totally agree with you! Particularly the coffee thing - it's very annoying when you are trying to make new friends and you need to separate out potential new friends from the people who are just aren't interested / or have too full a social circle already. If you don't want to go for a drink with me then why suggest it?

TripleDaisySummer · 05/05/2023 10:16

My friends/DH's side of family would all say 'let me know if you need help/we're here to help if you need anything' BUT there's is real intention behind it - just words.

I'm British but it is very hard to know if people actually mean this when they say it.

We had a few hard times when kids were young lots of bad luck and when a few very persistent family members kept saying this we asked for help they'd offered - shock and horror and only occasionally begrudging help. It often felt more depressing than struggling to manage ourselves.

On other hand I've live in communities that really do mean it sometimes to point they just politely intercede and start helping.

I'm ND so maybe I'm missing some signals though DH isn't and he often can't tell either - and yes mostly we don't bother people and get on with things ourselves.

whumpthereitis · 05/05/2023 10:34

It’s enough of a thing that it’s become a meme.

I’ve also noticed this. I come from a country where people communicate very directly, but in the UK this is often perceived as rude, and rudeness I’ve found seems to be considered the worst of all sins to be avoided at all costs.

It’s one thing I definitely still struggle with despite otherwise being fluent. There’s a lot of reading between the lines required. I’ve had to temper my own way of communicating, but I’m still considered blunt (just not as blunt).

To think British culture is 'fake' nice
kethuphouse · 05/05/2023 10:47

I think it's just a lack of social intelligence. Generally, we are not taught to acknowledge our feelings or express them honestly. I think we tend to feel awkward about being open and honest in case we offend people. We stifle our feelings, then gossip and become bitter about it all because we have not been able to say out loud what is bothering us. Things are changing and I've noticed a focus on 'big feelings' etc in schools which is great to see.

IcedPurple · 05/05/2023 10:48

When you say you were offered help was it in the form of 'Let me know if you need anything'? And if so, did you in fact let them know, and did they then not help you out?

If so, then yes their offer to help was indeed fake. However, if you didn't let them know that you needed help, then I don't think it would be reasonable to expect them just to call you.

briansgardenshed · 05/05/2023 10:49

Maybe you just:

  • don't understand as much as you think you do
  • are surrounded by people who don't really like you
  • haven't met ALL the Brits yet so saying they are "fake nice" and ultimately unhelpful is based on a sample of 25 or less
  • are not very helpful or friendly towards others so they see you as a CF and don't want to be taken advantage of

Could be anything. It might be that you are truly lovely and all the Brits really are awful people! Who knows.

Not very nice, however, to slag off someone else's culture and people - and saying, (without saying what your own culture is), that you find your own a bit direct does not make it ok to slag off someone else's.

If I knew you felt like that about me, my friends and my family I wouldn't be too keen to help you out either.

I hope you meet some nicer more helpful people soon OP, because there are lot of them about.

DogInATent · 05/05/2023 10:53

When people say, "We're here if you need help" it's up to you to ask. It's very easy to fall into the very British trap of keeping up appearances and saying "Everything's fine" when it's not.

And it's one of life's unwritten rules that the more notice you give for a meet-up the less likely it is to go ahead, and the more you invest in it emotionally so the worse you feel when it doesn't work. Decide that you are going out for a coffee the day after next, let people know and leave it up to them to join you. Don't turn it into a royal engagement with invites and RSVPs - that's what puts people off. Be spontaneous. Be happy to have a coffee with one friend without needing a crowd.

whumpthereitis · 05/05/2023 10:54

briansgardenshed · 05/05/2023 10:49

Maybe you just:

  • don't understand as much as you think you do
  • are surrounded by people who don't really like you
  • haven't met ALL the Brits yet so saying they are "fake nice" and ultimately unhelpful is based on a sample of 25 or less
  • are not very helpful or friendly towards others so they see you as a CF and don't want to be taken advantage of

Could be anything. It might be that you are truly lovely and all the Brits really are awful people! Who knows.

Not very nice, however, to slag off someone else's culture and people - and saying, (without saying what your own culture is), that you find your own a bit direct does not make it ok to slag off someone else's.

If I knew you felt like that about me, my friends and my family I wouldn't be too keen to help you out either.

I hope you meet some nicer more helpful people soon OP, because there are lot of them about.

Or maybe it’s a genuine cultural difference, and enough of one to have become a trope.

There are plenty of stereotypes about my home country that have truth behind them. I don’t consider this to be inherently offensive 🤷🏻‍♀️

LightDrizzle · 05/05/2023 10:54

KimberleyClark · 05/05/2023 10:12

I think British people do genuinely want to help - but they are also respectful of people’s privacy and don’t want to push in where they may not be wanted.

This.

Obviously some people aren't helpful, but I think the desire not to intrude or be overbearing, particularly when there is a new baby, is who people give and open offer but don't just tip-up at the door.

readbooksdrinktea · 05/05/2023 10:55

I remember this. YANBU.

GretaGood · 05/05/2023 10:55

From my experience I would say that ‘We must meet up for coffee. Sometime’ means I don’t want to meet you for coffee.

But offers of help - I’m a bit surprised at offers from people who aren’t family - but I would take them up on it. Make sure it doesn’t mean them having to leave work early or something disrupting like that but I’m sure they’ll be happy to help.

Coffeeandbourbons · 05/05/2023 10:56

Gilmorehill · 05/05/2023 10:08

People have offered to help and you haven’t taken them up on their offer. What more can they do?

This. Don’t ask, don’t get. I learned to take people up on their offers ages ago. Some will see it through, some won’t, and it’s a good way of weeding out the time wasters (I always return offers by the way).

LightDrizzle · 05/05/2023 10:57

@whumpthereitis - I've seen this a few times and it's definitely based on the truth, - but with an important regional exception, if you are from where I am in the north, "Not bad" is high praise indeed.

SequinsandStilettos · 05/05/2023 10:59

Obviously, a broad sweeping statement to follow caveat - England in particular has a "smiling tiger" culture with nuance, reading between the lines and politeness - the latter brings forth lots of "what is the done thing" responses but not necessarily sincerity, depending on who is offering what.
Whereas somewhere like Germany is very direct - bordering on brutal on occasion and you have to earn the informality of being per Du.

Okisenough · 05/05/2023 11:00

whumpthereitis · 05/05/2023 10:34

It’s enough of a thing that it’s become a meme.

I’ve also noticed this. I come from a country where people communicate very directly, but in the UK this is often perceived as rude, and rudeness I’ve found seems to be considered the worst of all sins to be avoided at all costs.

It’s one thing I definitely still struggle with despite otherwise being fluent. There’s a lot of reading between the lines required. I’ve had to temper my own way of communicating, but I’m still considered blunt (just not as blunt).

This meme is spot on especially the dinner thing! For probably each 100 times someone says you must come round for tea/dinner/coffee, I've actually been invited once but to be fair each time it's said I know it isn't genuine and in return they mostly know I don't want the invite! lol, I am British.

TheCountessofFitzdotterel · 05/05/2023 11:01

If I offered to fetch shopping for someone who had just had a baby and was taken up on it I wouldn’t expect to be shown the baby ‘in return’. Say I dropped the shopping off and it was asleep upstairs I would think nothing of it.
However I find your thing about not being ready to let people ‘see’ your baby very peculiar! Not wanting to receive guests is understandable but if you had been holding the baby when you answered the door to the person with the shopping would you have hidden its face?!

shivawn · 05/05/2023 11:02

I don't find this to be honest. I haven't lived in UK for a long time and no longer even consider myself from there so I'm not biased.

If you want fake nice try going to USA, half the people you encounter day to day are being super nice and helpful just to get as many tips out of you as possible.

Askil · 05/05/2023 11:03

@OP based on my 35yrs experience in this country. They do not mean it. It's something they say to round up conversation. Offering help here and there and acting like a community is not the norm, although they will argue about that but those of us who have lived in other countries and cultures know that the U.K does not embody these values.

BeatriceLacey · 05/05/2023 11:03

I think you're right. I'm half British. However, there are some genuinely kind people who really do want to help and you can maybe spot them because they offer something specific rather than a vague offer of help.

wildfirewonder · 05/05/2023 11:04

whumpthereitis · 05/05/2023 10:34

It’s enough of a thing that it’s become a meme.

I’ve also noticed this. I come from a country where people communicate very directly, but in the UK this is often perceived as rude, and rudeness I’ve found seems to be considered the worst of all sins to be avoided at all costs.

It’s one thing I definitely still struggle with despite otherwise being fluent. There’s a lot of reading between the lines required. I’ve had to temper my own way of communicating, but I’m still considered blunt (just not as blunt).

I think there is a lot of truth in this list!

I am British but work with lots of people from all over the place, sometimes I have to help them decode, especially in meetings. A meeting can have gone really badly (with lots of these type of comments) and they think it was fine!

YourMommaWasASnowblower · 05/05/2023 11:04

I’m British and I do agree with you to an extent. I think some people do genuinely mean it, but those usually do an action to back it up quite quickly. Eg if you are out of hospital they bring you a meal and then say if you need anything let me know. There are also the ones that feel they are over-stepping if they go beyond saying let me know if you need something, so they mean it, but it doesn’t end up happening. But there are quite a lot who say ‘let me know if I can help’ in a fake nice way. Usually if you take them up on their offer their eyes pop out and they are all ‘ummm, oooh, I’d love to BUT. . . .’ or they completely disappear until the situation is over so that you don’t take them up on their fake offer.