To think British culture is 'fake' nice

[Wonderingmyhead]

First time posting.

Just for background, I've been living in the UK for a long time so I'm a fully integrated resident.

Before anyone asks why am I living here. I've made it my home here and have a family here (DH & DD) but I struggle to understand the whole 'let me know if you need help' in EVERY situation of my life eg any time we'd be doing something be it decorating or, more recently, had a baby. My friends/DH's side of family would all say 'let me know if you need help/we're here to help if you need anything' BUT there's is real intention behind it - just words.

Another one where people say we should meet up/go for a coffee and when I suggest it takes weeks in advance to schedule it and ends up being cancelled in the end anyway.

We had tonnes of people offering help when we had a baby and after getting home from the hospital and realising we don't have any milk etc I told my DH 'well we've had all these help offers' and he told me it's best we order one of those whoosh Tesco deliveries as he'd feel awkward for someone to be dropping shopping off to us without seeing the baby in return (we weren't ready at that point). And any other time I'd attempt to call upon someone's promise it just doesn't go anywhere.

The culture I come from is less polite (which I dislike) and more direct, but if someone offers help they mean it and will turn up at your door to help.

So help out a gal.

So I'm wondering is it just me who thinks this way or AIBU/pessimistic?

I had to learn not to just turn up at other peoples doors. I still think it is incredibly rude that I can't just knock on family members (in laws) doors, that I have to make an appointment to see them.
But I have a few friends who do welcome me just turning up. A friend posted on facebook that she was not well. I turned up at her door with dinner for her and took her dog for a walk, she was really grateful. That is normal behaviour in my book.

Russians, honest and friendly - UKRAINE !!!!!.

@IBlinkThereforeIAm

Yes, it is confusing that it's a greeting statement that ends with a question mark but shouldn't really have a question mark 🤦🏻‍♀️

I tend towards being much more blunt than the average English person but I have ADHD so I'm not sure if it's related...

I mean I'm English and I'd really like to think everyone doesn't assume I'm Boris Johnson or Dominic Raab or whoever in a dress, along with their morals and world view.

Russians aren't all Vladimir Putin you know...

This! Seriously. Come on, now.

I'm in Ireland and a couple of Polish acquaintances said this to me over the years.

I dont offer help, I'm a single parent, I work ft, I've no car. Perhaps my lack of offers to help them with anything endeared me to them.

On the other hand, a polish hairdresser was unnecessarily rude about my son once. I was trying my best with him but he is on the spectrum and was wearing dirty tracksuit bottoms. Not poo or wee dirty. Hasten to add. I was upset. At the time. Just different styles of communication.

There’s a couple of things at play here.

The concept of privacy doesn’t exist in the same way in Russia as it does in the UK. In the Soviet Union ‘private’ really wasn’t countenanced, and simply living was a communal affair. You didn’t just have neighbors, you lived with them.

also, there’s a type of Russians that’s emerged following the collapse of the Soviet Union. The ‘New Russian’ that is Russians and foreigners alike dislike and consider obnoxious. They will often be the ones that you will encounter abroad, by virtue of the fact they can afford to go abroad.

It's a reciprocal thing. My experience is that when you REALLY need help, people are really willing to help. But you have to be prepared to help others too.

Having said that, Brits are generally more reserved, so don't like to push help or friendship onto you.

Since Brexit the only thing that keeps me in the UK are my two cats. Once they are no longer with me (probably in about a decades time), I will probably go back to Australia.

It's very easy to travel internationally with pets. Waiting 10 years is surely an excuse. If you hate the UK so much, just go back to Australia?

I don't think British people are known or thought of as being 'nice', probably polite is the word you're thinking of they are quite different things.

The British - IRAQ!!!!. AFGHANISTAN !!!!!.

It depends on the Brit I suppose. If I said 'let me know if I can do anything' I wouldn't mean it, so I never say it - I rarely want to be bothered by other peoples problems. I don't ask others for help either though so I'm not a one-sided CF.

On the subject of CF's, id definitely put you in that category if you asked me to bring you some milk when you had a perfectly capable partner - and presumably you wanted them to leave it on the doorstep? Just, no.

I know many, many Brits though who would wholeheartedly mean it and go out of their way to help, even if they'd only briefly met you. My best mate would've brought you your milk and I would've told her she was a dick for being such a pushover for CFs

I guess it's a people thing, rather than a Brit thing. I'm the odd one out in my circle - most people are generous and kind (though they might slag you off afterwards for taking the piss!)

Haha! I am autistic and have ADHD which may be why I struggle with this, too. I don't do subtext, I say what I mean and I think it's unreasonable for other people to expect me to expend mental energy trying to work out what they mean, or assume that I have if it's not what they've actually said, or even worse ascribe subtext to what I've said when I what I have said is exactly what I mean, no hidden meaning.

I have family and friends from Portugal, France, Germany, Switzerland, Poland, Hungary, Austria, Czech Republic, NZ, Australia etc. and find them all much easier to communicate with than people from my own country, which is odd.

The war in Ukraine has wide support from the Russian population. As does Putin.

I think that's just because you haven't actually asked for help. When I say it I do mean it - I might not particularly want to but if someone asks when I've offered then of course I will help.

Sounds like your DH and his family are just cold people tbh.

The coffee thing. Yes it's confusing. But usually if they mean it they'll say 'oh when do you fancy meeting up again?' Or they'll offer a date or a specific activity. Just saying coffee is usually a blow off and we all know that.

Saddam Hussein and 9/11

We don't all know that we must meet up for coffee is a blow off! Some of us know it. It is fake politeness and I hate it. Why say it at all?

😂😂😂😂

Of course. You feel the actions of your country are justified. Because of course the Russian people who support the war (and plenty do not!) haven’t been fed propaganda that paints Russia’s actions as justifiable, have they?

All countries have their cultural quirks and differing levels of social niceties. It’s why people go through cultural shocks when they emigrate (or even just go on holiday). Dutch people understand their nuances, Chinese people understand theirs and British understand theirs.

In America you can’t enter a shop without someone jumping in front of you asking if you need help, I don’t like it. If I want help I’ll ask but I understand it’s their culture and I’ll smile brightly and say not at the moment thank you but really I’m thinking get out of my face and let me peruse in peace. So yes I’m being fake nice but don’t see the purpose in being blunt and telling them what I’m really thinking.

I'm a Brit living in Germany and one thing I love is the German directness. No one will say let's meet up if they didn't mean it 😅 I adore the friendliness of my fellow Brits but sometimes you can't tell who is being genuine with offering help or wanting to meet up

If anything standoffish and not very friendly!

Russia is not a free society where public opposition to Putin and his actions won’t endanger not just you, but your family. Media is tightly controlled in Russia also, and under state control. Russians are not privy to the same information about the war that we are.

I agree with this.

It has widespread support, in all sections of Russian Society as does Putin. That’s an indisputable fact. And I’m sure whatever replaced the KGB or NKVD are not monitoring every citizens internet traffic. Loads on there about the reality of their atrocities in Ukraine.

You speak with such authority on a country when you haven’t even bothered to update your terminology from NKVD and KGB.

You’ve merely repeated what I’ve already addressed. Yes, Internet activity is monitored. Sites are blocked. The media is state run, and being seen to not support Putin and his actions is dangerous. People also are inclined to believe what they’re repeatedly told, especially when not presented with other information from sources you actually believe you can trust (and haven’t been conditioned to distrust).

I’m sure you believe that if you were a Russian living in Russia that you would be standing up and loudly decrying Putin, consequences be damned. It’s very easy to believe that when you’re sat elsewhere, after all. Chances are though, you wouldn’t be.