To think British culture is 'fake' nice

[Wonderingmyhead]

First time posting.

Just for background, I've been living in the UK for a long time so I'm a fully integrated resident.

Before anyone asks why am I living here. I've made it my home here and have a family here (DH & DD) but I struggle to understand the whole 'let me know if you need help' in EVERY situation of my life eg any time we'd be doing something be it decorating or, more recently, had a baby. My friends/DH's side of family would all say 'let me know if you need help/we're here to help if you need anything' BUT there's is real intention behind it - just words.

Another one where people say we should meet up/go for a coffee and when I suggest it takes weeks in advance to schedule it and ends up being cancelled in the end anyway.

We had tonnes of people offering help when we had a baby and after getting home from the hospital and realising we don't have any milk etc I told my DH 'well we've had all these help offers' and he told me it's best we order one of those whoosh Tesco deliveries as he'd feel awkward for someone to be dropping shopping off to us without seeing the baby in return (we weren't ready at that point). And any other time I'd attempt to call upon someone's promise it just doesn't go anywhere.

The culture I come from is less polite (which I dislike) and more direct, but if someone offers help they mean it and will turn up at your door to help.

So help out a gal.

So I'm wondering is it just me who thinks this way or AIBU/pessimistic?

YANBU.
If you cannot commit to helping, don't fucking offer, or even worse, act like the person who is taking you up on that offer of help is the bad/cheeky one! 😡

As a non-Brit from a very blunt culture, it took me a good while to become better at separating sincerity from polite chit-chat, at recognising nuances in speech and taking the hint.

I am also autistic, which doesn't help matters, and spent a lot of my younger years in my 20s and early 30s wondering why I don't fit in.

I found a lot of British friendships to be fickle. Where I come from, if someone is regarded as a friend, that transcends times where people move away, move jobs or change their lives in any other significant way - here, it's much more a case of out of sight, out of mind, I found.

These days, I give less of a shit about convention. I am who I am. I have gone back to being blunt. We should have a coffee sometime? Cool, I am free next Sunday, wanna come? Hey, I want to try out trampolining and you seem like the perfect person to get stuck in with that, fancy joining me on Thursday nights for a class? And, most importantly, look, you have said if I need anything, you'd help. I am ill and need someone to take LO into school, can you do that?

There are some people who think I am rude at first, until they get to know me better and see it all comes from a good place. There are many who really like the fact I take no prisoners. There are some who won't get on with me, but it's their loss.

My life has become a lot easier as a result of just being, well, myself, and taking the direct route. And I found that a lot of people are relieved when they find out that what they see is exactly what they get.

Definitely we don’t say what we mean. It’s cultural. Polite, not direct. We say things like we must do coffee or we must have you round for dinner because we feel we need to or should… for example to end a conversation. those offers of help were not fake necessarily, but again probably a bit of a throw away comment (again to end a conversation I’m guessing!)…
of course not everyone is like that… and of course friends, relatives etc different. But on the whole unless unless you know well, assume they are saying it for want of something to say, and be happy if you’re proved otherwise- sorry!

I can definitely relate to this thread. I've lived in the UK for 25 years, first in Birmingham and then the southeast. I found Brummies and northerners tend to be more direct and it's much easier to know where you stand with them which I respect.

Moving to the southeast was a massive shock though as I felt I had to decipher and decode a lot of conversations with southerners. It felt a lot easier to befriend someone from Newcastle and other immigrants/expats as we just understood each other and not have to second guess everything.

What I can't understand is if it's not polite to decline an invitation, why is it seen as more so to RSVP yes and not turn up. That's wasting my time and an inconvenience if say I've booked somewhere like a restaurant or arranged babysitting.

Politeness and being nice aren't mutually exclusive - I come from Western Canada where many, many people are both. And are genuine and community minded to boot

@Skethylita sounds very refreshing 👌

@jasperandco I also meant to comment how North is more open compared to South