MiL won't accept grandchildren conceived using donor sperm

[Motherinlawisanightmare]

Hi
DH and I had to use donor sperm via ivf to create our wonderful family.

MiL has always been insensitive about dh infertility - making comments about brother in law needing to start family and not supporting us through ivf miscarriages etc.

Babies (twins) finally arrived and was very obvious she didn't feel they were her grandchildren. Although legally, due to biology she didnt percieve them to be her sons children and her grandchildren. While holding our precious babies she would continue to ask brother in law when is he going to have babies etc talking to everyone about when he has children what good dad he will be etc. Not ever making real effort with our kids.

Bro in law has split with long term girlfriend and has said children aren't for him. She is "heartbroken" she won't have any grandchildren!

We have spoken to her about these comments. I made it very clear how hurtful they are and that there are two children who adore her so get her act together.

Although I feel now they are 4 years old, and given bro in law situation, she may finally be turning a corner, I am so angry and hurt I just don't know how I will get over all the comments and insensitivity especially some of the comments while I had our gorgeous baby twinnies in my arms and full of joy. I feel she robbed/ tainted some very precious times with the stress she caused.

AIBU? Should I just forgive and forget.

How dare she essentially reject our babies and treat dh horribly for the first 4 years of their life and now act like doting granny as nothing "better" coming!

We were infertile and did rule them out. It’s a perfectly valid position.

The OPs children are with their "kin" if that worries people, the OP is biologically their mother. Plenty of children through out history have been brought up by men who didn't know they weren't the biological father. There is an old saying, "It's a wise child that knows it's own father."

I don't believe I would have become a parent if I was infertile. Becoming a parent was never very important to me prior to pregnancy which probably skews my feelings towards donor and adoption. I know my feelings towards my DC overcame any doubts I had towards parenting and I think that was hormonal love helping me on. If i was infertile now I wouldn't have a donor or adopt because it would be selfish and I might/probably favour my bio DC. Some people couldn't cope having donor assisted conception or adoption we aren't evil people everyone is different.

If my DC used donor conception I must admit I would be a bit disappointed. But I love my DC more than anything so I would support them and love their child.

Children should be ‘with their own kin’?

What the fuck?

How exactly is that poster defining ‘kin’ I wonder? Religion? Race? Colour? Blood relative at all cost?

I really thought we’d moved on from this. Fucking hell.

And I agree with @CuriousGeorge80. That other poster’s easy abandonment of the love for their child, is disturbing.

Hi all

Please can we ask for a bit of peace and love?

What a nasty person she sounds to reject two little children. I'd try to keep her at a distance to protect your dtwins. As others have said if BiL resides to have children down the line your two s would be rejected again. I'd not let them get too close to her knowing how she really feels about them. Imagine she had another dgc from bil and when she dies leaves other dgc money but not twins. I don't know how your DH can put up with it.

If I were you I wouldn't be having anything to do with her and certainly wouldn't be letting my children near her. What a nasty woman.

With all respect and a genuine question, do you think that this comment will help the OP?
She is seeking support around her MIL, not asking how YOU feel regarding donor conception or adoption. I just can't see how this comment helps at all. It offers no advice or support, just a hurtful opinion.

I'm so sorry for all those upset on this thread especially those who have been adopted.

My DH's friend has a complicated relationship history and therefore, there are 5 kids in the family. Some he adopted with partners who were in previous relationships, some are biological. He doesn't give a fig. When asked how many kids he has, it's always 5.

He is also my daughter's preferred guardian should anything happen to us and his parents are pretty much DH's surrogate parents (his have passed away). DH is called Uncle by all the kids.

Biology doesn't make always make a family, love does.

Threads go off on tangents all the time. It’s the nature of forums I’m afraid. I think it’s useful for people to hear other opinions and experiences about things like donors and adoption. It’s a shame we’ve had the c word used and people being called bullies for having a different opinion but again, that’s forums.

I wonder if it would have been better for the relationship to have been framed as a stepgrandparent/stepgrandchild one. There might have been less pressure on both sides and plenty of stepgrandparents can feel that it's "not the same" and yet go on to build warm and positive relationships with stepgrandchilden.

It's one of those things where different people feel differently and you can't make people feel something they don't.

How is it useful for OP, who already has two children, to hear your opinion that she should never have had kids?

There are worse ways than calling someone a cunt to make them feel bad.

I wonder if it would have been better for the relationship to have been framed as a stepgrandparent/stepgrandchild one

These are, legally and emotionally, the children of OP and her DH, how would that even have been possible? Or at all healthy and non-damaging?
Far better to be NC than have some sort of weird, lesser relationship because of the method of your conception, which should be irrelevant.

But love is only for blood relatives...?

I did also think this. Also i am assuming it would have been a joint decision of OP and her DH to have a child together in this way. A lot of the comments on this thread almost imply OP is the only 'real' parent but these children would have been jointly created (albeit using science) with two active parents making that choice to create life and becoming parents. Just because the DH isn't genetically related to the child does not make him any less of a dad who has chosen to have a baby. It's just really sad in my opinion his own mother couldn't be happy for him.

But there must be plenty of stepfamilies where say the stepfather or stepmother feels one way but their parents another. Some will be dysfunctional and some won't and in any case it would have been a potential starting place. Telling someone they have to feel a way when they don't is almost always a non-starter.

Im not adopted and I’m gobsmacked with some if the replies . Genetics mean very little to me , I can’t believe how sad some people are

But there must be plenty of stepfamilies where say the stepfather or stepmother feels one way but their parents another. Some will be dysfunctional and some won't and in any case it would have been a potential starting place. Telling someone they have to feel a way when they don't is almost always a non-starter

This is not a stepfamily scenario. OP and her husband have had children together.

Her loss, dinosaurs are hard to change, enjoy your babies x

Extended stepfamilies are something you could make the comparison with for this sort of scenario. If I wanted to salvage the relationship it's where I'd start.

Obviously she might be a horrible person in any case and it's not worth trying.

I think if your MIL feels as strongly as the people opposing your choices on here OP, then you have your answer - you need to distance yourself from her. We live in a fast-paced world where what is accepted is changing all of the time. You don’t want your children to be influenced by someone with such rigid and outdated thinking. If she is incapable of truly loving your children, she doesn’t deserve them in her life. If she can be so cruel to your DH too, then she doesn’t really deserve him in her life either.
I personally find it awful that people can be so unkind about your situation, especially the people who don’t know the pain of infertility themselves.
I hope none of you who are being judgemental are mothers of sons, because the reality of being a mother of a son is you never truly know if your Grandchildren are really your blood relation anyway, even if you are told they are.

What a vile woman

A poster called another poster a cunt? Peace and love. Got to love mumsnets humour. 🤣

@Sugarfree23

then GM needs to grow up and doesn’t deserve to be a grandmother. I’m so sorry

What a disgusting woman.

She doesn't deserve them, or your husband.