Page 11 | MiL won't accept grandchildren conceived using donor sperm

Motherinlawisanightmare · 2023-05-05T08:24:31+00:00

Hi DH and I had to use donor sperm via ivf to create our wonderful family. MiL has always been insensitive about dh infertility - making comments about brother in law needing to start family and not supporting us through ivf miscarriages etc. Babies (twins) finally arrived and was very obvious she didn't feel they were her grandchildren. Although legally, due to biology she didnt percieve them to be her sons children and her grandchildren. While holding our precious babies she would continue to ask brother in law when is he going to have babies etc talking to everyone about when he has children what good dad he will be etc. Not ever making real effort with our kids. Bro in law has split with long term girlfriend and has said children aren't for him. She is "heartbroken" she won't have any grandchildren! We have spoken to her about these comments. I made it very clear how hurtful they are and that there are two children who adore her so get her act together. Although I feel now they are 4 years old, and given bro in law situation, she may finally be turning a corner, I am so angry and hurt I just don't know how I will get over all the comments and insensitivity especially some of the comments while I had our gorgeous baby twinnies in my arms and full of joy. I feel she robbed/ tainted some very precious times with the stress she caused. AIBU? Should I just forgive and forget. How dare she essentially reject our babies and treat dh horribly for the first 4 years of their life and now act like doting granny as nothing "better" coming!

Hankunamatata · 05/05/2023 18:53

Low contact. If she says a word about not being grandkids etc. I would just walk out.

Pallisers · 05/05/2023 19:08

Fifi0 · 05/05/2023 16:25

I have biological DC I cannot imagine loving the same it's how I feel so i wouldn't use a donor egg or adopt . I feel closer to my biological niece vs inlaw nieces because I have a close relationship with my sister. I'm not trying to be cruel it's honesty.

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It is not about whether you are cruel or not. I don't expect you to adopt or use a donor egg - that is a decision for each individual and in fact I don't think I would do either of these things. Not because I wouldn't love the child though.

I judge anyone - including you - who wouldn't love a grandchild because they weren't biologically connected to them. I think those people are lacking some essential decency or generosity that makes a good human being. I wouldn't want them around my children because I think their values suck.

CuriousGeorge80 · 05/05/2023 19:10

Nobody called anybody a cunt though, did they?

But if people are so precious that they can’t cope with the use of the word cunt (not directed at anybody specific) then I am absolutely amazed that they think that it’s acceptable to come onto a post by a distressed woman asking for advice to tell her she should never have had her children, she’s unethical and they aren’t really her husbands. That seems far, far, far more offensive to me than the use of the word cunt.

peachespeachespeaches · 05/05/2023 19:12

CuriousGeorge80 · 05/05/2023 19:10

Nobody called anybody a cunt though, did they?

But if people are so precious that they can’t cope with the use of the word cunt (not directed at anybody specific) then I am absolutely amazed that they think that it’s acceptable to come onto a post by a distressed woman asking for advice to tell her she should never have had her children, she’s unethical and they aren’t really her husbands. That seems far, far, far more offensive to me than the use of the word cunt.

I said "some women are utter cunts" early on in the thread in reference to my dads mother (who is now thankfully and mercifully dead) and by extension, OP's mother in law.

A few other posters have proved what I said was correct 😂

Quoronation · 05/05/2023 19:13

Greenissle · 05/05/2023 09:37

I wouldn't have even shared the information that it wasn't his biological children, why tell people that.

She would have been able to tell when they were born. They wouldn't have looked a thing like him

FrostyFifi · 05/05/2023 19:14

Extended stepfamilies are something you could make the comparison with for this sort of scenario. If I wanted to salvage the relationship it's where I'd start

How though? They are not a stepfamily. They are a married couple who had two children together, and like some couples they had fertility treatment to facilitate that. Could you explain what similarities that has to a stepfamily scenario, because I'm not seeing it.

FrostyFifi · 05/05/2023 19:15

She would have been able to tell when they were born. They wouldn't have looked a thing like him

Oh come on! Most newborns look like an angry red potato had a child with Captain Picard.

Kpo58 · 05/05/2023 19:17

FrostyFifi · 05/05/2023 19:14

Extended stepfamilies are something you could make the comparison with for this sort of scenario. If I wanted to salvage the relationship it's where I'd start

How though? They are not a stepfamily. They are a married couple who had two children together, and like some couples they had fertility treatment to facilitate that. Could you explain what similarities that has to a stepfamily scenario, because I'm not seeing it.

Well genetically he is a step father rather than a biological one.

Is the MIL very religious? I'm wondering if she considers donor sperm akin to cheating and that's why she is being iffy about the whole thing.

FrostyFifi · 05/05/2023 19:18

Well genetically he is a step father rather than a biological one.

No he's not. A stepfather is a specific thing. He's the the legal father.

CuriousGeorge80 · 05/05/2023 19:26

@peachespeachespeaches fair 😂😂😂

Mischance · 05/05/2023 19:27

Heavens - people on this suite can be so harsh and unfeeling.

GoneTillNovember · 05/05/2023 19:27

She would have been able to tell when they were born. They wouldn't have looked a thing like him

This is absolutely ridiculous 🤦🏻‍♀️

Iwasafool · 05/05/2023 19:27

Quoronation · 05/05/2023 19:13

She would have been able to tell when they were born. They wouldn't have looked a thing like him

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Someone must have foisted donor eggs on me then because none of my kids look anything like me. Two do look like their dad, maybe the other two are the milkmans.

LateNightsByTheLake · 05/05/2023 19:30

CuriousGeorge80 · 05/05/2023 19:10

Nobody called anybody a cunt though, did they?

But if people are so precious that they can’t cope with the use of the word cunt (not directed at anybody specific) then I am absolutely amazed that they think that it’s acceptable to come onto a post by a distressed woman asking for advice to tell her she should never have had her children, she’s unethical and they aren’t really her husbands. That seems far, far, far more offensive to me than the use of the word cunt.

It was you that said there were some proper cunts on mumsnet on this thread. Presumably you were referring to at least some of us on this thread that disagreed with you. You also mentioned a certain poster in the same post and didn’t like their opinions. It seems fairly obvious who it was directed at. Mumsnet deleted it so they must have thought you aimed it at an individual as they allow swearing but not sweary name calling.

We don’t all have to say well done on creating a child using an unethical process. If you want that, go to the clinic who will tell you how great it is whilst making thousands. They forget to think of the child in future years.

NewNovember · 05/05/2023 19:32

Kpo58 · 05/05/2023 19:17

Well genetically he is a step father rather than a biological one.

Is the MIL very religious? I'm wondering if she considers donor sperm akin to cheating and that's why she is being iffy about the whole thing.

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He is not genetically a step father he is legally the father what an ignorant comment. Are women who use donor eggs giving birth to their step children?

Rosscameasdoody · 05/05/2023 19:36

This is an awful thread. MN moderator has stepped in once so don’t think it’ll be long before it’s pulled, thankfully. To my mind a true father is one who is there for the child, providing a loving, safe environment in which to grow up and being there through good and bad with unconditional love and support. Everything else is just biology.

AnorLondo · 05/05/2023 19:38

LateNightsByTheLake · 05/05/2023 19:30

It was you that said there were some proper cunts on mumsnet on this thread. Presumably you were referring to at least some of us on this thread that disagreed with you. You also mentioned a certain poster in the same post and didn’t like their opinions. It seems fairly obvious who it was directed at. Mumsnet deleted it so they must have thought you aimed it at an individual as they allow swearing but not sweary name calling.

We don’t all have to say well done on creating a child using an unethical process. If you want that, go to the clinic who will tell you how great it is whilst making thousands. They forget to think of the child in future years.

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You also didn't have to come on here and tell the OP she's unethical and shouldn't have children when she's simply asking for advice about her MIL and yet here you are.

monsteramunch · 05/05/2023 19:38

Well genetically he is a step father rather than a biological one.

He's not 'genetically' the stepfather. That makes absolutely zero sense.

He is their legal father.

He's their dad.

monsteramunch · 05/05/2023 19:39

She would have been able to tell when they were born. They wouldn't have looked a thing like him

Do people really believe this sort of thing?

Spoiler alert, some babies don't look like either parent!

CuriousGeorge80 · 05/05/2023 19:41

But @LateNightsByTheLake I didn’t call anybody specific a cunt did I? Like I say, if people think I am referring to them then that suggests they know they are doing something that could have it targeted at them.

Nobody says you need to say well done. You don’t need to say anything. Not that I have even noticed one of your posts so far, so if you haven’t said anything offensive then I don’t have any issue with you at all. But there are posters on here who have actively chosen to come into a thread posted by a distressed woman to criticise her choices and ethics, call her selfish and undermine her family. So that she leaves her own thread. Who does that? Nobody made those people speak. They - of their own free will - opted to involve themselves in a discussion by being nasty and vindictive. Then they get all upset when called out on it.

If people actively chose to be nasty to others, then they need to be capable of accepting criticism in return. If they can’t cope with it, they shouldn’t be nasty. It’s pretty basic.

But, like I say, I haven’t noticed any of your comments particularly on this post so far 🤷‍♀️

CuriousGeorge80 · 05/05/2023 19:42

@Rosscameasdoody sadly the only active thing Mumsnet has done is take down a post defending the OP, which speaks volumes.

WhatNoRaisins · 05/05/2023 19:43

Some stepfather's legally adopt stepchildren too. Some don't but are still the child's only father figure despite not being genetically related.

Families are all different and you simply can't have set rules for extended families and how they have to feel, it's just to complex with too much variation. Likewise people have different views on assisted conception and donor gametes. Branding everyone that disagrees with you as a bigot is just going to leave you with a narrow worldview.

Coffeelotsofcoffee · 05/05/2023 19:45

I would completely distance yourself from her and stop initiating any contact and hope she gets the message

nonheme · 05/05/2023 19:45

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

LateNightsByTheLake · 05/05/2023 19:48

AnorLondo · 05/05/2023 19:38

You also didn't have to come on here and tell the OP she's unethical and shouldn't have children when she's simply asking for advice about her MIL and yet here you are.

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If you read my initial post, I said that the MIL needs to do better if she wants a relationship with them and that if OP couldn’t forgive her then that’s understandable.

There was also talk of the ethics of donors which happens on threads like this and anyone is free to comment on them. If people don't want opinions, they shouldn’t post. I’m allowed to post within talk guidelines, its not my job to make others feel warm and fuzzy about their decisions. If you post on here, you should be strong enough to deal with it, no one has to post. It’s a controversial topic as I’m sure OP knows.