AIBU to be upset by these complaints against me?

[Govangirl]

Hi all. This has only happened within the past 5-6 hours, so still very fresh and a bit emotional about it.

I work with students and we hold a debating event every month or so. As it’s designed as a deliberative space, the icebreaker has to set the tone for the evening, and so for the past 6 events we’ve played a kind of “devils advocate” game wherein they pull clearly controversial opinions out of hats, and the “goal” is to debate this from both sides (equally if possible, though not always). This allows them to see things from different perspectives, and also encourages them to get into the deliberative, debating mindset.

Anyway (sorry for the waffle!) today we were joined by 2 new students, who had issues from the start. They said the lights were too bright (we dimmed them) and that the microphones were too loud (we lowered the volume and offered them ear protectors). I’m neurotypical myself so completely understand that these can negatively impact people. When the icebreaker was played, they called me over as the facilitator and explained that they would not be participating as they had fundamentally disagreed with the first prompt. They both trauma dumped excessively while not letting me get a word in edgeways, and then accused me of being racist, homophobic, and ableist because I had written out the prompts. I explained (or tried to) that it was MEANT to be controversial, and the aim was to get them to understand diff perspectives etc. but they were having none of it. They said they’d be making complaints about me, and I showed them how to access the feedback form for the event and gave my name when required.

They seemed to really enjoy the rest of the debate and got quite animated and engaged, which is why I suppose I guessed they wouldn’t make the complaint. They also both thanked me for hosting at the end.

I got home and got a message from my manager, letting me know that there have been 2 complaints filed on the feedback form. I have access to this and have read both, and they are utter b*llocks. Accusations of the above, of course, but also allegations that I mocked them for being abused, I forced them to actively discriminate against other students, they weren’t given an option not to participate, really vile, UNTRUE things.

I’ve only been at this job for 8 months, and it’s my first job out of uni. I love this job, and I’ve only ever received positive feedback and praise so this has really knocked my confidence. The allegations are plainly untrue, and I’m hoping that my manager will see through that, as they’re both known to be “difficult students”, though of course that doesn’t mean they’re inherently liars (but in this case their recanting of the event is inaccurate). My speciality at work is Equality, Diversity, and Inclusions, so I know that I wasn’t doing any of the things they’ve accused me of, I guess I’m just worried that maybe I’m being unreasonable for being so upset.

I will say, what amused me somewhat (for lack of better word) was that these were white British students who have accused me, a WOC, of racism and discriminatory behaviour.

Huge wall of text, so apologies for that. But AIBU for being concerned about these complaints? Do you think it will negatively affect my appraisals etc to have 2 “strikes” as it were against me for this specific alleged behaviour when I’m the designated expert in ED&I in the workplace?

TIA x

Can you get a supporting statement from someone else who witnessed what happened and submit that to your manager?

Sounds ludicrous, but I think you need to take it seriously and defend yourself. I’m guessing your union can advise.

I think it depends a little on the prompts- I get where you’re coming from with controversial but there’s “all drugs should be legal” and then there’s “Hitler had the right idea”. I can see how there’s the potential for this game to be quite upsetting to students if it involves other people getting up and arguing passionately against their existence and/or human rights.

If they are really blowing it wildly out of proportion then I hope you would be able to explain that to your manager and they would be used to how teenagers can be- probably not the first time teens have made an unreasonable complaint about a teacher or group leader!

Can't work out which way to vote - sorry - and also there is an academic staff room which you would be very welcome in, as well as here in AIBU

But yanbu to create an interesting way to encourage students to engage critically with different perspectives.
It's always so hard when you put so much of yourself into teaching and someone comes along and willfully refuses to enter into the spirit of it.

Ex uni lecturer here. I know how upsetting even one complaint from a student can be. It really gets to you, and you wonder if that one complaint will wipe out all the other things you've done and if it will count for more than all the other students who think you're great. I get it.

Try not to spend all night fretting, see what actually transpires. But if the other students are regulars and keep coming back they must enjoy it and don't think you are any of those things the two said. IF anything comes of it, please point out that these two were at their first meeting, and ask (insist) for the feedback from the regulars to be looked at too.

I might not focus on the concept of trauma dumping in my defense of my approach, in your position. It can come across as a little unsympathetic and also not everyone is familiar with the concept.

There might be another way to frame what happened that is a bit more specific to their behaviour.

I am sorry this has happened to you. Working as a teacher I know young people can sometimes be tough and view things from a skewed perspective.

My advice is to challenge their viewpoint, suggest other students are contacted for their opinion, point out complaints have not been common and perhaps suggest that these particular students do not attend again. Push back - defend yourself. That often sends them running.

However I do feel uneasy about your use of highly controversial topics. This does have potential to blow up in your face. I’d look for topics which allow debate but can’t be construed as offensive or endorsing any viewpoint. Alternatively could students submit possible ‘talk’ topics and the group decide whether they would work? You say yourself that it’s not always possible to debate each side equally - you need to be really careful not to suggest one side or the other is intrinsically ‘wrong’. That can make some students feel discriminated against.

There were a range of staff members sitting at each table, so will ask the one at their table in the morning if they mind jotting down a statement. Thank you x

I would find the phrase "trauma dumping" used in reference to a student rather offensive.

What was the prompts that they objected to? That said it sounds like you were always playing a big of a dangerous game here.

What we're the conventional topics op?

Absolutely agree re the debating of their existence and would always vehemently interrupt if this were to happen. The prompts ranged from relatively benign like “dogs are better than cats” to “the church and state should always be separate”. Nothing whatsoever about race, gender, sexuality etc which is why I’m so taken aback by the allegations of ableism homophobia etc. They wouldn’t tell me what the first prompt was so I have no way of knowing, but they were most definitely not “controversial” in the alt-right sense!! Thanks for the advice re manager, will have a chat with them when they’re next in x

Thanks for your reply, I love my job and the students I work with as a whole are absolutely lovely which is why I’m worried!

We do have a “submit your ideas” form that goes out a few days before each event, but unfortunately it’s never filled it which is frustrating. I think I’ll definitely move away from the devils advocate type game in the future though!

Apologies, absolutely did not mean for it to be offensive!! What I meant was it was not the right time or place perhaps, as they were on a big table of other students while describing quite graphic abuse and trauma. Obviously I want to support them with this, and did advise that we could chat away from the table but they refused. But point definitely taken, thank you!

I can’t quite work out how to copy and paste otherwise I’d copy in the prompts from my big document, but have listed 2 examples from least extreme to most (bearing in mind I work with students so they’re never going to be what adults may find extreme for example as it wouldn’t be appropriate in the setting). They were signed off by my manager which is why I’m so confused as to where this has come from. Will make an additional reply (if I can work out how!) where more prompts are listed. Bear with! X

Just about to pop some in a reply if i can work out how, give me a min!

Well I definitely wouldn’t be leading anything I did say in my defence with them asking for accommodations (assuming they are neurodivergent?) as somebody ‘having issues from the start’ because whether you mean it that way or not that does come across as if you find them asking for those things annoying and isn’t going to strengthen your case that you weren’t ableist.

What a shame you feel you have to move away from the devil's advocate part if it op. It sounds like a really valuable excercise in tolerance and debate, learning how to get students points accross in a de-emotionalised way.
I would let this be a test of your manager, not you. Don't take it personally. It sounds as if they sought you out with the intention of making a complaint.
I have no doubt it will blow over, please don't worry. Stick to your guns as your intention was good and intellectually rigorous.

I was with you until you brought up the comment about what amused you. Are you saying that they can’t feel discriminated against because they are white?

Not saying they were right or wrong but for someone who holds a role like yours, being amused by that is an interesting take

Prompts:

Dogs are better than cats.

Pineapple does not belong on pizza.

Social media can be harmful sometimes.

The voting age in the UK should be 16.

Junk food should be banned at school.

The church and state should always be separate. (Only for the 6th formers, the students in question categorically did not receive this prompt. We are a secular school but welcoming of all faith and the 6th formers had just done on essay on this in citizenship so was relevant etc)

Sometimes it’s ok to cheat on homework.

Everyone should be able just to bring their pets to school.

The school week should be 4 days.

School uniform should not be mandatory.

University should be free for everyone.

Animals should not be kept in zoos.

Apple is better than Microsoft.

Videogaming should be classed as a sport.

The book is always better than the film.

Being able to fly would be better than being able to turn invisible.

Fiction is better than non-fiction.

These are all the prompts that were included in the activity, though again the church v state one was only for 6th formers, which these students were not.

Sorry, worded it terribly! Not amused but bemused rather (though again that may still not be reflective of what I meant)

White people can absolutely be on the receiving end of discrimination, anyone can regardless of how they identify or their background, and this is something I’ll always defend.

I meant that they were accusing me of being racist towards students of colour, when I am a person of colour myself and so was confused by where that allegation had stemmed from, when the prompts had nothing at all to do with race, even remotely.

Worded terribly as I say, apologies again x

Well they all seem like pretty conventional debate topics to me.

I'd write down the events of the nights in a time line, while it's fresh in your mind.

Ask for a couple of statements tomorrow from some others who were there.

Try not to worry overthink tonight.

Write down everything that happened from your point of view. Those sound really benign topics!

They seem about as controversial as lettuce

Thats really odd OP, you say students and I had assumed university but sounds like its younger than A levels? I would get some statements from other staff members who were there, it may be they decided to play up 'for a laugh'.

I’ve really made a pigs ear of my original post I’m afraid! By “having issues” I absolutely did not mean to imply that their accommodations were the issues at hand, we were more than happy to accommodate them and encourage them to be in the space if they felt comfortable to do so.

I can’t comment on whether they were neurodivergent as I hadn’t met them before and don’t have access to that info, but other staff had warned me that they could be extremely disruptive and difficult. I definitely could have explained that better before discussing the accommodations though, which were unrelated to the issues we had with them (which were behavioural) x