AIBU to be upset by these complaints against me?

[Govangirl]

Hi all. This has only happened within the past 5-6 hours, so still very fresh and a bit emotional about it.

I work with students and we hold a debating event every month or so. As it’s designed as a deliberative space, the icebreaker has to set the tone for the evening, and so for the past 6 events we’ve played a kind of “devils advocate” game wherein they pull clearly controversial opinions out of hats, and the “goal” is to debate this from both sides (equally if possible, though not always). This allows them to see things from different perspectives, and also encourages them to get into the deliberative, debating mindset.

Anyway (sorry for the waffle!) today we were joined by 2 new students, who had issues from the start. They said the lights were too bright (we dimmed them) and that the microphones were too loud (we lowered the volume and offered them ear protectors). I’m neurotypical myself so completely understand that these can negatively impact people. When the icebreaker was played, they called me over as the facilitator and explained that they would not be participating as they had fundamentally disagreed with the first prompt. They both trauma dumped excessively while not letting me get a word in edgeways, and then accused me of being racist, homophobic, and ableist because I had written out the prompts. I explained (or tried to) that it was MEANT to be controversial, and the aim was to get them to understand diff perspectives etc. but they were having none of it. They said they’d be making complaints about me, and I showed them how to access the feedback form for the event and gave my name when required.

They seemed to really enjoy the rest of the debate and got quite animated and engaged, which is why I suppose I guessed they wouldn’t make the complaint. They also both thanked me for hosting at the end.

I got home and got a message from my manager, letting me know that there have been 2 complaints filed on the feedback form. I have access to this and have read both, and they are utter b*llocks. Accusations of the above, of course, but also allegations that I mocked them for being abused, I forced them to actively discriminate against other students, they weren’t given an option not to participate, really vile, UNTRUE things.

I’ve only been at this job for 8 months, and it’s my first job out of uni. I love this job, and I’ve only ever received positive feedback and praise so this has really knocked my confidence. The allegations are plainly untrue, and I’m hoping that my manager will see through that, as they’re both known to be “difficult students”, though of course that doesn’t mean they’re inherently liars (but in this case their recanting of the event is inaccurate). My speciality at work is Equality, Diversity, and Inclusions, so I know that I wasn’t doing any of the things they’ve accused me of, I guess I’m just worried that maybe I’m being unreasonable for being so upset.

I will say, what amused me somewhat (for lack of better word) was that these were white British students who have accused me, a WOC, of racism and discriminatory behaviour.

Huge wall of text, so apologies for that. But AIBU for being concerned about these complaints? Do you think it will negatively affect my appraisals etc to have 2 “strikes” as it were against me for this specific alleged behaviour when I’m the designated expert in ED&I in the workplace?

TIA x

..

Thank you for your reassurance. I was really hoping it would be useful and it’s had great feedback before, but a genuine shame that they’ve felt this upset and uncomfortable.

Will chat to manager, thanks again x

Yes I do expect it would blow over.... but...

I do have a few concerns....

I’m neurotypical myself so completely understand that these can negatively impact people.
Did you mean neuro diverse here? Otherwise what is it about your neurotypical-Ness that facilitates your to understanding? You are skating painfully close to ablism here.

When you justified the exercise, did you also emphasis that it was possible just to watch? Animated engagement may also have been a sign of distress.

I'm assuming you didn't supervise the activity from beginning to end, what adult did? Depending on your topics you may well find accidental safeguarding disclosures are an unfortunate byproduct of the game, who is keeping an eye on this if you are not?

“difficult students”, though of course that doesn’t mean they’re inherently liars"
Ekkkk..... This statement includes the automatic assumption that children who are "difficult" are more likely to be liars? please please tell me these children don't have SN?!?! This statement is being very close to prejudiced, if it isnt there already

I've already mentioned the inappropriateness of the phrase trauma dumping, especially when reference to someone you have a duty of care for.

That's not to say one shouldn't play devil's Advocate on occasion (and to a certain extent this post is doing so) but doing so without an awareness of basic risks and mitigating against them is quite irresponsible. It does worry me you specialism is EDI and yet you seem to show little awareness in some of your own language and attitudes.

I think OP brought up their race as they'd accused her of being racist.

She didn't mention it until that point.

And can we keep in mind this is someone 8 months into their first job?

Write down a factual timeline of events (make sure it doesnt include how you felt or what you perceived)
Write down everyone else who was there including who was on their table
Ask for specifics eg it's all very well saying someone was racist, but what did they think you said or did that was racist?
To be honest it sounds like everyone will know these students are batshit, there is no evidence and the topics arent controversial in the context of diversity or inclusion etc

X-posted. They don't actually sound that controversial

Any chance the kids have added some of their own prompts in? How are the prompts stored and delivered

You don’t need to justify yourself here or apologise. Most people understand the absolute entitlement of two white students making up shit against a POC. ‘Are you saying they can’t be discriminated against because they are white’ is just such rubbish - OF COURSE NOT but it’s more than a little ironic that two people who are not from a marginalised community are making these complaints against a woman who is a minority.
they sound like absolute arses OP.

Next prompt; 'Govangirl is racist'

But in all seriousness I don't think YBU to be upset, it's a horrible thing to be accused of. I'd talk with your manager and put out feelers to others who were there so they're able to support you if needed.

That's assuming they are not Neurodiverse, if they are they are part of a marginalised community regardless of colour

OP, your debate topics are absolutely fine. I've had children much younger debating much harsher and more advanced topics.

Do not stop the devil's advocate activity. Things like that are essential when it comes to the echo chamber building practices that have become far too common, far too quickly. It is reasonable, and actually desireable, to expose people to opinions that differ from their own and to force them to consider the merits and weaknesses of those viewpoints.

I'm also going to say that you need to be less apologetic. Just because someone experienced a sense of offence following something you said or wrote does not mean that what you did was offensive. It's important to reflect and to consider how you communicate but a person's reaction may be saying more about them then it does about you.

In this case, you should take the complaints seriously and investigate (or ask another to help you do this). If the complaints have merit, act on them. If they don't then don't. If you feel that the complaints made were spurious then flag it to someone senior and allow them to investigate.

Please don't stop doing this exercise! It sounds as though the other students have really benefited from it - don't pre-empt the outcome of the complaint by changing what you are doing.

Sounds like theyre trying to jump on a bandwoagon of being offended and then exaggerrating it
we discussed much more controversail subjects 30 years ago

When you said students I thought you meant uni students.

But you are actually running workshops with high schoolers?

These are annoying school kids twatting about and ruining it for the others. Was there not an actual teacher to step in and whisk them off?

I really have butchered this, typing on phone so apologies!

Yes, I meant neurodiverse!! massive facepalm I’m autistic, so what I was meaning to say was that I understand from a lived experience that bright lights, crowded rooms etc can be unbelievably overwhelming at times, but that the accommodations they requested were provided without complaint or hesitation.

When the activity was introduced, I did mention that they didn’t have to join in if they didn’t want to (asking teenagers to do anything they don’t want to can sometimes be like herding cats I’ve learnt!!) and that we had refreshments available and a comfy place to sit if they did wish to leave the table. The staff on each table were also briefed beforehand about this.

I didn’t supervise each table from start to finish as there were quite a lot, but I did float around and listen in on a few discussions, which is when the accusations were first made. Members of staff were a mix of teachers and TAs.

I categorically do not believe that difficult students are automatically liars, but wanted to mention that explicitly in case it got taken the wrong way. I seem to have made a jumble of that one! We are not a SN school, nor do we have a significant SN population. I hadn’t met the students before so can’t comment on whether they were or not, only that other staff had mentioned that they could be an issue at times with disruptive behaviour and interrupting lessons, etc.

I do apologise for the mistakes in my post(s), it’s been an exceedingly long day and I’m still very emotional about the complaints and how quickly it all happened. I love my job and I’m very passionate about my specialism, and I’ve only ever received praise and positive feedback. I think that without being there and knowing the students it can be hard to get a feel for the situation (which I’ve made more difficult I freely admit by my botched posts etc) but that’s the nature of this forum, which I also completely understand. I do hugely appreciate you taking the time to reply x

Bollocks. Sorry but absolute bollocks.

hmm. It still sounds like you’re implying that asking for accommodations is disruptive and difficult, why are those two issues so linked together in your thought process.

im not trying to accuse you of anything, but if this is how you are coming across on this post, maybe they picked up a similar vibe from you and that is what their issue is. I’m not saying this is a fact, but just suggesting it as something to reflect on and see if you have inadvertently made them feel that way. I don’t think you seem like the kind of person who is like that, but we all have mental biases and often we don’t even notice them. it’s just a suggestion. I’m ND and I’ve definitely picked up a vibe of I’m annoying people for asking for similar things and it’s made me feel shitty.

on the surface the prompts seem very innocuous, so I’d want to know specifically what it is they feel you did that was ableist or rude to get to the bottom of it.

Sounds to me like they were seeking attention and got the hump when they didn’t get the validation they wanted. Why is it that young people take offence at every last thing these days? So many axes to grind. And instead of encouraging them to build some resilience, we all bend over backwards to make their lives as frictionless as possible?

Obviously you should be professional in how you handle the complaint, but I wouldn’t judge you for a private eyeroll.

Are the two students on here replying to the post?!

Some really weird responses.

You come across as very articulate and well considered, and I think there's a few unnecessary comments on this thread that you can safely ignore. It really does sound like they went there with an agenda to stir shit. As PP said, make a factual timeline of events and do so tonight while it's fresh in your mind and get statements by others in attendance.

I know! Not sure if some of them aren’t pastiche. Surely nobody is this precious? How do they get through the damn day?

I have been re reading your post with all the added information you've listed.

I feel your OP wasn't a correct representation of what you were actually trying to say.

So I take my comment back. You sound really kind and it's clear you love your role.

I would try to not get too upset, it sounds like you have basically everything in your favour. Try to get some statements from other teachers present. It's tough but the only reason you're so upset is because you care about it so much, I think a lot of schools need a person like you around.

I second this! Also that you note down factually the whole running order of his things unfolded. The fact that other staff members were there will help to support you.

I know that this just happened this evening and you are upset, but just ensure you are very neutral and accurate in your language when reporting on this, a bit more circumspect, so you don’t walk yourself into trouble. I hope it all blows over.

Definitely ask the other staff present to write a statement. Speak to your manager and get their input on this. And your union, if you have one. And please don’t apologise so much - you don’t need to! Be confident in yourself. Own your mistakes for sure, but don’t apologise because someone disagrees with you. It is not necessary. I say this as someone who over apologises!

Odds are 20 :1 They were taking the p*ss, ragging the new teacher and seeing how far they could push it. Now they are making a ridiculous complaint, to see how far they can push it.

they are bullying you OP. Don’t let them. It’s not good for you, and it’s not good, ultimately, for them to get away with it.

PS the clue was in the warning you received.