AIBU to be upset by these complaints against me?

[Govangirl]

Hi all. This has only happened within the past 5-6 hours, so still very fresh and a bit emotional about it.

I work with students and we hold a debating event every month or so. As it’s designed as a deliberative space, the icebreaker has to set the tone for the evening, and so for the past 6 events we’ve played a kind of “devils advocate” game wherein they pull clearly controversial opinions out of hats, and the “goal” is to debate this from both sides (equally if possible, though not always). This allows them to see things from different perspectives, and also encourages them to get into the deliberative, debating mindset.

Anyway (sorry for the waffle!) today we were joined by 2 new students, who had issues from the start. They said the lights were too bright (we dimmed them) and that the microphones were too loud (we lowered the volume and offered them ear protectors). I’m neurotypical myself so completely understand that these can negatively impact people. When the icebreaker was played, they called me over as the facilitator and explained that they would not be participating as they had fundamentally disagreed with the first prompt. They both trauma dumped excessively while not letting me get a word in edgeways, and then accused me of being racist, homophobic, and ableist because I had written out the prompts. I explained (or tried to) that it was MEANT to be controversial, and the aim was to get them to understand diff perspectives etc. but they were having none of it. They said they’d be making complaints about me, and I showed them how to access the feedback form for the event and gave my name when required.

They seemed to really enjoy the rest of the debate and got quite animated and engaged, which is why I suppose I guessed they wouldn’t make the complaint. They also both thanked me for hosting at the end.

I got home and got a message from my manager, letting me know that there have been 2 complaints filed on the feedback form. I have access to this and have read both, and they are utter b*llocks. Accusations of the above, of course, but also allegations that I mocked them for being abused, I forced them to actively discriminate against other students, they weren’t given an option not to participate, really vile, UNTRUE things.

I’ve only been at this job for 8 months, and it’s my first job out of uni. I love this job, and I’ve only ever received positive feedback and praise so this has really knocked my confidence. The allegations are plainly untrue, and I’m hoping that my manager will see through that, as they’re both known to be “difficult students”, though of course that doesn’t mean they’re inherently liars (but in this case their recanting of the event is inaccurate). My speciality at work is Equality, Diversity, and Inclusions, so I know that I wasn’t doing any of the things they’ve accused me of, I guess I’m just worried that maybe I’m being unreasonable for being so upset.

I will say, what amused me somewhat (for lack of better word) was that these were white British students who have accused me, a WOC, of racism and discriminatory behaviour.

Huge wall of text, so apologies for that. But AIBU for being concerned about these complaints? Do you think it will negatively affect my appraisals etc to have 2 “strikes” as it were against me for this specific alleged behaviour when I’m the designated expert in ED&I in the workplace?

TIA x

I think you are all over reacting to what she said. She was confused by white kids accusing her of racism when she hadn't even brought the topic up. Is it racist to discuss whether kids should wear school uniform?

They sound like brats op. I would fully defend myself and also ensure they were effectively banned from coming again. I don’t blame you being upset. They made some dangerous accusations about you and that’s not on when they were not true. Saying you mocked them being abused is disgusting. Honestly I would want them punished for it🤷🏼‍♀️ Not agreeing with topics is one thing and they are completely entitled to that, making up lies that could tarnish your career is another. You are lucky so many others were present!

Managing conflict and presenting arguments is an essential skill in the workplace. It is a good skill to teach children and young people.

Don't stop your good work for the sake of a few complaints. It is OK, to think, maybe not say out loud, that the complaint is complete bollocks.

No one here will know about the quality of your work. I would ignore the advice on this thread and instead have a quiet word with a trusted colleague, who will understand the context and students and will be able to help.

But don't adjust your practice after a couple complaints, which sound vexatious.

@Dobby123456

FYI

OP I work in healthcare. Working with the public will always result in this sort of bollocks from time to time and unfortunately we're trained and expected to blame ourselves even when it's obvious that the complainant is batshit. If you haven't said/done anything other than what you've mentioned then this won't go any further. Just give a factual, unemotive and none-confrontational account of what happened and apologise for any upset you may have caused these kids then forget about it. You need to just grey wall these kind of windup merchants. Don't blame them or try to be right. Don't get upset/angry. Just make a very formal response to the complaint then get on with your life

This generation are in for a hell of a shock when they grow up and have to exist in the real world.

Right now younger people seem to think all they have to do is cry offence and nobody else can have an opinion.

Younger people have some of the most expressed opinions of anyone but God forbid anyone say anything they don’t agree with.

And it might not be politically correct to say so, but it seems that everyone these days either has mental health issues or is neuro divergent. To the extent that actually if it continues the way it is, neuro divergent is rapidly heading towards neurotypical because everyone appears to be like it. Which is grossly unfair to people who have genuine diagnoses as opposed to those who “think I have ADHD/may be on the spectrum.”
We’ve all been there where we’ve thought the world isn’t fair and where we thought we knew better than the adults, probably most of us started to grow up properly into our early twenties.

But this is far worse than when we were growing up, and one day soon this generation is going to grow up and realise that the only people they have been damaging with this way of thinking is themselves and their own reputation.

I know plenty of employers who shy away from employing millennials and gen Z because of their outlook.

And just to clarify. I am by no means saying that racism/ablism is ok. But they are starting to be used as catchwords. people know all they have to do is cry “racism” and every other opinion becomes non valid, even if it wasn’t racism.

@Govangirl

I meant that they were accusing me of being racist towards students of colour, when I am a person of colour myself and so was confused by where that allegation had stemmed from, when the prompts had nothing at all to do with race, even remotely.

That comment does you no favours at all. There's a lot of "black on black" racism, it's not just white on black. Your comment seems to imply only white people are racist.

Some posters seem determined to find something wrong in OP's actions.

OP, you sound brilliant and I wish you could have worked with my own DC.

Some posters in this thread have been very picky about what you've posted, which must have been hard at the end of a difficult day- but I think it's good that very little possible thing you could have done better or differently has been raised so that you are fully prepared moving forward.

I hope this can be resolved sensibly.

I also think it's shitty you were emailed about this in the evening, but I suppose it gave you a heads up.

Could you give a more appropriate word or phrase than "trauma dumping" to describe "unloading traumatic experiences on others without warning or invitation".

Trauma dumping is a real and well observed phenomenon, it's often done to seek validation, attention, or sympathy, or as in this case to disrupt something that others were enjoying.

The kids overshared in an inappropriate venue in front of other kids, who my themselves have been upset or have reasons not to want to hear it. The phrase to describe this is "trauma dumping".

Some of the replies on this thread are bizarre. They are also an excellent example of what hard working teachers and lecturers are dealing with constantly and why we are stopping extra curricular activities, trips and residential. This constant seeking out of things we are doing wrong all of the time.

It's absolutely relevant that the students are white British yet accusing the OP of racism against other students. White Saviours.

I also think you sound brilliant. You are thoughtful and engaging with the students and giving them this experience which sounds to me like above and beyond your duties.

I agree with Allthegood. I think you have been targeted by a couple of rocks, pretending to be snowflakes.

I do think working with young people is tricky nowadays. I work with a few who got pulled up on their behaviour at work; taking longer breaks, not doing any work, always off sick, and their reaction was to claim discrimination against them and subsequently had a committee set up for them to air their grievances every month. Now we just avoid them and refuse to do their work for them if they are not doing it.

Right now younger people seem to think all they have to do is cry offence and nobody else can have an opinion.

Whilst there are thankfully still plenty of level-headed, sensible youngsters growing up now - who are just as exasperated by the prevailing wind of their generation as we 'oldies' are - it's actually horrifying just how quickly things have changed.

I think the rot set in properly, sometime in the last decade or so, when universities began to be captured, and swung 180 degrees, abandoning the hitherto common understanding of 'now we are adults, we are ready for the big wide world' and replacing it with the cult of eternal childhood and 'if those nasty mean people said something that upset you or you disagree with in any way, you mustn't worry about trying to debate with them intelligently; we'll just have them cancelled and whatever you believe automatically enshrined as FACT #nodebateallowed'.

Your topics are completely fine. Unless asked to stop please carry on it's such an important lesson.
My DS was at debate club in year 7 and 8. They had topics like "men can't be feminists". "Religion should be banned from school" "everyone has racist thoughts". This is in a school which is 80% non-white. No complaints ever made.

Christ almighty, I worry about the future generations who have no resilience and are offended by absolutely bloody everything. When is this nonsense going to stop.
Op I'm sorry this has happened to you and I hope management see sense and stop pandering to such sensitive souls.

OP don't let them get you down you sound great. I'd love your class!
I have an autistic son and this is not how he operates at all. Direct confrontation and complaining is never something he's comfortable with.

These two are flexing their muscles and feeling emboldened by each other and none of this would be happening if they had been alone I'd guarantee it.

The onus is entirely on them to prove their accusations.
Just take each point calmly and refute it. Deal only with the specifics of each accusation. Don't get drawn into any generalised stuff about race etc.
I know I'm just some random on the internet but you've got my support 100%. Good luck (and ignore the twaddle on here from all the contrary Marys.)

So sorry they are treating you like this OP. Your lesson sounds fab. I hope it gets sorted quickly and that it doesn't put you off teaching. Stay strong. Best wishes xxx

Bloody hell. Hardly controversial topics are they?

In my philosophy class at University we debated abortion, infanticide, euthanasia, animal rights, meat eating, religion, age of consent etc

No one clutched their pearls or complained about a lecturer. We all had to argue the 'other side' too and were assessed on our ability to do so.

Gen X are quite the special little snowflakes.

OP - don't allow yourself to be wrongfooted and don't apologise too much. Focus on the facts, and whether there is anything constructive at all in their complaint that could be used to improve your work in the future. Personally I'd go in slightly bemused and ask for clarification on what you had actually done that was so offensive. Lies are lies - if you know they are lying, defend yourself against this robustly.

something doesn't add up, I understand why you're upset, but in my case I'd be assuming they were deluded or malicious.

I imagine going completely factual and specific. Ask them to clarify what exactly on the first prompt was racist, homophobic, and ableist. Say you can't properly respond without the clarity.

😂😂😂 this is what I’m thinking. YANBU OP.

But why are they accusing you of being homophobic and ableist?! there must be some explanation with their complaints?

Ywbvu to let them stay after their first hissy fit after the ice breaker. Ifhavd told obviously this isn't for you so please leave.

Don't feel like you have to justify yourself to the few people who don't like a word you use op. You've done nothing wrong. They sound an absolute nightmare. Hopefully you never have to teach them again.

You need to write a full account of the session, including the list of the prompts from the activity, and email it to yourself so that it is timestamped.