Page 18 | What should I pay my mum for watching my children?

Buddythecat1 · 2023-05-04T13:28:26+00:00

My mum has agreed to help out and watch my children for the few hours I'll be at work, Never had to deal with this type of arrangement before so I don't want to offend her but equally don't want to give her heaps (because I'm not going to be raking it in either) (I'll only be on minimum wage at 12 hours but doing 40 in the next week) How much would you offer?

Fosterstepandbiomummy · 07/05/2023 19:59

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Newmumatlast · 07/05/2023 20:00

ItIsWhatItIsTillItIsnt · 04/05/2023 14:40

It’s normal to pay your mum, mine wanted paying too to have my children she wouldn’t do it for free and told me all her friends children pay

Really isn't normal and actually problematic as a. They're earning so should register self employed and declare it and b. Then they should have childcare qualifications really

Fosterstepandbiomummy · 07/05/2023 20:03

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ItIsWhatItIsTillItIsnt · 07/05/2023 20:21

Newmumatlast · 07/05/2023 20:00

Really isn't normal and actually problematic as a. They're earning so should register self employed and declare it and b. Then they should have childcare qualifications really

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My mum wanted paying she said all her friends pay their mum's so who knows 🤷.different circles I guess

Hev89 · 07/05/2023 21:53

Hi, it’s not ridiculous to pay your mother to look after your child/ren. I am due to go back to work in a few weeks and MIL and FIL will be looking after my girl 3 days a week and she will be in nursery 2 days.
They needed to discuss and decide if they would as we are interrupting their lives in retirement. If it was a one off day here and there they wouldn’t want money from us and tbh, what we are paying them will cover their caravan expenses mainly.
Our girls nursery is £60 a day and we are paying them £15 a day (I think).
To decide on what to pay, we looked at what we could afford and then we discussed it with them until we came upon an agreement. We will be providing most of the food for her.
I believe though, if your mum is retired she can claim national insurance for her pension for looking after grandchildren - you’d have to look into this and I don’t think they even had to be being paid.

Hev89 · 07/05/2023 21:55

They only have to declare if they are earning over a certain amount. And you don’t need qualifications or to register as a childminder to get paid to look after your grandchildren. My husband did a lot of research into it before we decided on childcare options.

Hev89 · 07/05/2023 21:56

Newmumatlast · 07/05/2023 20:00

Really isn't normal and actually problematic as a. They're earning so should register self employed and declare it and b. Then they should have childcare qualifications really

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They only have to declare if they are earning over a certain amount. And you don’t need qualifications or to register as a childminder to get paid to look after your grandchildren. My husband did a lot of research into it before we decided on childcare options.

Elaina87 · 07/05/2023 22:14

ItIsWhatItIsTillItIsnt · 04/05/2023 14:40

It’s normal to pay your mum, mine wanted paying too to have my children she wouldn’t do it for free and told me all her friends children pay

Sorry but not the norm.. my parents wouldn't dream of asking for money and i don't know any of my friends parents who would either.

Iguanainanigloo · 07/05/2023 22:37

OP, I think the easiest solution to this is you finding a different job where you can work around your oh's set hours. What about a weekend/evening job? 22hrs a week is what you're currently looking at, which you could do easily over a couple of evenings and one day at the weekend, and not have all this childcare drama to deal with, and your take home pay wouldn't be deducted in paying for chilcare. I did this in the baby/toddler years and once my youngest started full-time school I got a job that fit around the school hours instead. 5-10pm twice a week plus one long day on the weekend (or a nightshift for an even better hourly rate) would leave you far better off. Any supermarkets, shops, hotels, restaurants, petrol stations, bars, hospitals (HCA), all need staff to cover these sorts of hours, and it could be a game changer for you in the short term until all your children are school age.

HowcanIhelp123 · 07/05/2023 23:10

Elaina87 · 07/05/2023 22:14

Sorry but not the norm.. my parents wouldn't dream of asking for money and i don't know any of my friends parents who would either.

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OP admits her mum doesn't really want to do it, she's doing it as a favour. She's being asked to look after 4 young children including getting them up and ready for school and dropping them off. The £20 a week probably doesn't even cover the travel costs. If it was me I wouldn't be willing to do it paid or not!

Original poster

Buddythecat1 · 08/05/2023 00:14

Iguanainanigloo · 07/05/2023 22:37

OP, I think the easiest solution to this is you finding a different job where you can work around your oh's set hours. What about a weekend/evening job? 22hrs a week is what you're currently looking at, which you could do easily over a couple of evenings and one day at the weekend, and not have all this childcare drama to deal with, and your take home pay wouldn't be deducted in paying for chilcare. I did this in the baby/toddler years and once my youngest started full-time school I got a job that fit around the school hours instead. 5-10pm twice a week plus one long day on the weekend (or a nightshift for an even better hourly rate) would leave you far better off. Any supermarkets, shops, hotels, restaurants, petrol stations, bars, hospitals (HCA), all need staff to cover these sorts of hours, and it could be a game changer for you in the short term until all your children are school age.

I have been looking but there is very little job wise. He has already sent an email to his work place saying he isn't going to make it in so I guess that's that

OP posts:

bluefoxtail · 08/05/2023 07:10

Shocked by the messages on here about it being ‘insane’ and similar to pay a grandparent for childcare. (And sorry - I’ve only read first few pages of this thread so my reply is general, not directed at OP.)

I’m pregnant with my first at the moment so starting to think about childcare options later. One option is to ask my mum to look after the child part of the week. Me and OH earn good salaries, whereas my mum earns minimum wage. Would it be morally acceptable for my mum to lose income in order that me and OH can maintain our 5-day working weeks / good incomes / save on nursery fees? My conscience says no.

(I know the OP’s situation is different.)

If a grandparent is happy to do it for free for any reason (including not needing the money, or just wanting to ‘volunteer’ their time) that’s fine too, but every situation is different.

Childcare is work; it is entirely fair to pay someone for doing that work.

Venerable · 08/05/2023 08:40

I’m a grandmother. I have my grandchildren twice a week. Their parents take us out for a child free meal every now and then. That’s the best payment as we can catch up with them without interruption!

SparklyBlackKitten · 08/05/2023 08:47

When you relationship is merely "tolerating "eachother. AND you have four kids.. I cant really blame her for wanting money for it ...

But any other time i wouldn't understand why a parent would let their child pay them to look after their own grandchildren 🤐

SparklyBlackKitten · 08/05/2023 08:50

@ItIsWhatItIsTillItIsnt
"My mum wanted paying she said all her friends pay their mum's so who knows 🤷.different circles I guess"

Different circles?? Or different values ...

Humanbiology · 08/05/2023 21:07

Fosterstepandbiomummy · 07/05/2023 19:58

I would say it to her face...but I've no idea who she is. What sort of ridiculous comment is that?

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You look at yourself darling before judging others.

Friarclose · 09/05/2023 00:19

My mum used to have my DS for 15 hours a week, every week, for nothing. She loved it, he's her grandson. I'm really sorry for anyone who's mum wants paying to take care of her own grandchildren

GrannyRose15 · 09/05/2023 00:43

I've looked after my grandchildren for eight years and wouldn't dream of asking, or accepting, any money for it. It's an absolute privilege to be able to help out my daughter in this way. My Mum did it for me when I needed it and her Mum used to look after me and my sisters. A family tradition you could say.

agentshreddie · 09/05/2023 09:42

bluefoxtail · 08/05/2023 07:10

Shocked by the messages on here about it being ‘insane’ and similar to pay a grandparent for childcare. (And sorry - I’ve only read first few pages of this thread so my reply is general, not directed at OP.)

I’m pregnant with my first at the moment so starting to think about childcare options later. One option is to ask my mum to look after the child part of the week. Me and OH earn good salaries, whereas my mum earns minimum wage. Would it be morally acceptable for my mum to lose income in order that me and OH can maintain our 5-day working weeks / good incomes / save on nursery fees? My conscience says no.

(I know the OP’s situation is different.)

If a grandparent is happy to do it for free for any reason (including not needing the money, or just wanting to ‘volunteer’ their time) that’s fine too, but every situation is different.

Childcare is work; it is entirely fair to pay someone for doing that work.

I am shocked at the small number of people saying grandparents should get a kind of salary for looking after children. What happened to family? I mean if they are in need, are giving up work... that's a different situation. Not liking kids, not wanting to look after them... Entirely ok.

But to monetise caring for your grandchildren? Seeing it as an opportunity to cash? It sounds not like a family to me, sorry. I wouldn't leave my kids with this kind of person, I wouldn't trust them.

bluefoxtail · 09/05/2023 10:05

agentshreddie · 09/05/2023 09:42

I am shocked at the small number of people saying grandparents should get a kind of salary for looking after children. What happened to family? I mean if they are in need, are giving up work... that's a different situation. Not liking kids, not wanting to look after them... Entirely ok.

But to monetise caring for your grandchildren? Seeing it as an opportunity to cash? It sounds not like a family to me, sorry. I wouldn't leave my kids with this kind of person, I wouldn't trust them.

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To make my earlier point more concrete - when I return to work, if I dropped to a 3 day week, I’d lose £350 a week take-home pay. Or, I can continue at 5 days a week and earn this ‘extra’ £350 a week.

Is it fair for me to benefit from this extra £350 a week as a result of free childcare from my mum, and not pass on any of the benefit to her even though I am doing well financially and she is ‘just getting by’? That doesn’t sound like family to me.

agentshreddie · 09/05/2023 14:34

the mother wanting to "cash in" the extra earning is what sounds crass to me. I think it is a cultural thing. A grandmum, usually, does not monetise spending time for her grandchildren. If it was her losing any money (giving up work days etc) and wanting to be compensated I could, be more understanding about this, but it is the opportunistic thinking that I have a problem with. Here, the grandmother sees this as an opportunity to hoover extra money that her daughter might earn for herself. It is not about fairness, it is about intent.

I feel from the OP's story that her intent is not in the right place, e.g. wanting to spend time with the grandchildren, and she mother sounds very materialistic. So that, does not sound like family to me, sorry.

Manthide · 09/05/2023 19:04

bluefoxtail · 08/05/2023 07:10

Shocked by the messages on here about it being ‘insane’ and similar to pay a grandparent for childcare. (And sorry - I’ve only read first few pages of this thread so my reply is general, not directed at OP.)

I’m pregnant with my first at the moment so starting to think about childcare options later. One option is to ask my mum to look after the child part of the week. Me and OH earn good salaries, whereas my mum earns minimum wage. Would it be morally acceptable for my mum to lose income in order that me and OH can maintain our 5-day working weeks / good incomes / save on nursery fees? My conscience says no.

(I know the OP’s situation is different.)

If a grandparent is happy to do it for free for any reason (including not needing the money, or just wanting to ‘volunteer’ their time) that’s fine too, but every situation is different.

Childcare is work; it is entirely fair to pay someone for doing that work.

I totally agree with you. We are not talking about general babysitting but looking after grandchildren so parents can earn money. I am on a minimum wage zero hours contract, at the moment my gs goes to a private nursery which is subsidised and costs about £1100 a month and they claim back some of it. If they have another child whilst he is still at nursery ( he is 12 months) their costs would double. At that point it might be worth their while paying me to look after them. They both earn very good wages - £80-100k each.

GLo1971 · 10/05/2023 00:04

Having read your initial question and some of the insulting replies, i bet you wish you had never asked! I read you repeatedly having to justify yourself and your situation. In my own experience, i would never want a penny for looking after my grandson. I thoroughly enjoy all the time i spend with him, seeing his progress and being a part of that. I think your mum is offering reasonable care for £20, the only thing i find a bit heartless is that your mum has seen you look forward to a job that didn't materialise, your husbands endeavour then luck to get a job. You managing to find something part time. She might have at least said, she knew you were struggling to get back on your feet and would look after them for free for the first couple of months. I could never see any of my kids struggling without finding a way to help them.

Original poster

Buddythecat1 · 26/05/2023 09:34

Just wanted to update
So for the first two weeks I worked ft
They've now employed 2 new people and my hours have dropped, I haven't needed my mum since Wednesday and won't need her until Monday now (later starts) and even then, it'll only be for 1 day next week.
My mum is still happy with the arrangement, she's happy to have something to get her out of her house and if she had an appointment I would aim to be off that day or hopefully get my FIL roped in.
Took a leap and it seems to be working so I hope it continues as I know school holidays are looming 😬

OP posts: