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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What should I pay my mum for watching my children?

449 replies

Buddythecat1 · 04/05/2023 14:28

My mum has agreed to help out and watch my children for the few hours I'll be at work,
Never had to deal with this type of arrangement before so I don't want to offend her but equally don't want to give her heaps (because I'm not going to be raking it in either) (I'll only be on minimum wage at 12 hours but doing 40 in the next week)
How much would you offer?

OP posts:
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5
Thoughtful2355 · 06/05/2023 11:11

i think id ask her what she was wanting and build from there, you cant claim any costs back from family so should be much cheaper than a childminder would be which would be about £5 an hour

Thoughtful2355 · 06/05/2023 11:15

oh cross posted, In that case i would pay her the £20 a week and add an extra £20 every month as a "tip" for being really helpful

ellyeth · 06/05/2023 13:07

We didn't charge to look after our grandchildren but we didn't need to as we have a good income. However, had we been in a more difficult financial situation, I think it would be considerate for the parent(s) of the child/children to offer something. I'm not sure that I would have demanded it but I think it would be reasonable to expect any extra expenses to be covered - food, trips out, maybe heating costs, etc.

Really, though, it should probably be a discussion you have with your Mum. If you feel she is asking too much or you will be constantly beholden to her, it might be better to pay someone outside the family. Childminders have to undertake a certain amount of training, I believe. Check out how much it would cost to employ a childminder.

diddl · 06/05/2023 13:28

boobot1 · 06/05/2023 09:31

This

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You can still save money (as Op will be) even by paying something!

I'd hate to think my kids would expect me to be free childcare-what a boody cheek.

bringitonnow · 06/05/2023 14:45

I would never ask my children to pay me to look after my grandchildren. The only time I think it would be reasonable is if the grandparent did it instead of working themself and was therefore losing income. I think I would get a proper childminder in your circumstances.

Manthide · 06/05/2023 16:06

Dd1 and her husband are both junior doctors ( registrars) and are looking to have a child in the next year or two. Dd does not want to give up work. I am working 3 days a week on a zero hours contract and am on UC (I still have a child at school). If they wanted me to look after it I would need to be paid or the dwp would be on to me. Not what they'd pay privately but at least cover my potential wages. I'd love to be able to do it for free but can't retire until I'm 67!!! I'm 57.

Borisisafecklesstoad · 06/05/2023 19:09

Does your mum work/is she under 65? You can i think register her so that she'll get full NI for the hours which might be beneficial to her. I would just ask 😊

CM1897 · 06/05/2023 20:22

KateyCuckoo · 04/05/2023 14:33

Wow

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Not everyone can afford to babysit every week without charging a little. I assume the grandchild will need to eat etc, and the Gran won’t be able to work during those times. Some grandparents will do it for free, some aren’t able to, especially during a cost of living crisis

Dontworkmondays · 06/05/2023 20:34

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Moonshine5 · 06/05/2023 20:45

I know at least one non-white GP who charges her DIL/DH.(DIL asked me what I thought she should pay)
This action is colour-blind.

SpudsandGravy · 06/05/2023 20:48

My mum wouldn't have dreamed of taking money to look after my children.

CatA27 · 06/05/2023 20:55

I wouldn't charge to look after my grandchildren but I also wouldn't want to do it on a regular basis for more than a couple of hours a week. Doesn't your children's school have a breakfast club where you could drop the older ones off so Mum doesn't have to take the kids to school? That would be the biggest pain for me, especially with a baby to sort out.

Hmm1234 · 06/05/2023 21:01

Zilch

AbigHoleinmybucket · 06/05/2023 21:03

thing47 · 04/05/2023 14:41

Agree with this. I would rather pay more and use a qualified and professional childminder than a mother who was so grudging over doing it that they wanted paying. Also she's not really 'helping out' is she? She's undertaking a piece of paid work 😀

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I third this.

My mum doesn't want paying but I pay for her taxi or other transport costs and get her nice presents on her birthday and Christmas. She wouldn't take payment.

However, several times I have relied on her when she's said she could do it, something has cropped up or she's been unwell/forgotten/ missed the bus etc.

A registered childminder (and I had an excellent one before I moved) wouldn't generally do this unless desperate or ill. You are paying your mum to babysit maybe but not childmind as that requires qualifications and inspections. That's the reality if she wants paying - she's not qualified.

AbigHoleinmybucket · 06/05/2023 21:08

My reply actually was based on my own mum who has never worked really (dad brought in the money). If she had to give up working hours, then that is different I think as she'd be losing out. My mum is a lot better off than I am too so maybe those factors make a difference.

Castlerock44 · 06/05/2023 21:08

To all those thinking it's not normal to get paid for minding grandchildren. Well I gave up a nice little job that I loved in order to help my dd out. She couldn't afford normal childcare.

It was a big commitment in that I had to get to her house early 4 days a week, drop 1 child at school and then look after the baby all day, pick the older child up from school, then wait for one of the parents to get home. I was basically tied to their house all day.

It was right I got paid.

Ladysquamy · 06/05/2023 21:14

50 a week I would say.

cherish123 · 06/05/2023 21:21

She wants paying 🙄. It's her grand children.

Noicant · 06/05/2023 21:35

If she’s the only realistic option the 20 a week sounds pretty good to me.

VaccineSticker · 06/05/2023 21:38

Buddythecat1 · 06/05/2023 10:51

Again, a big middle finger to you.
I was working full time for years.
As it suited my mental health to do so.
I've been out of work since Feb on the promise of another job, in that time with the cost of living an all, it's no longer feasible for just one of us to be working so we've both accepted part time jobs rather than me do 12 hours and my partner do nothing
But my work is incredibly short staffed and it's looking like I'll be on 30-40 hours until the end of May

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OP if you were my daughter I would have done this for you for free. I admire the fact that you are trying your best to get back into the work force. Ignore the silly and ignorant replies. Hope things work out for you x

Cynderella · 06/05/2023 21:40

We looked after our granddaughter full time while my daughter worked. I also worked full time, so fell to retired husband to step up although I took over in school holidays. We would never have charged her anything, but I wouldn't judge anyone who did.

I loved having a baby/toddler in the house, but it's hard work as you get older, and if you're not someone who enjoys their company, it's tiring. Even if you're not working anyway, your days are consumed with a small person's needs. So, if relatives, even grandparents want paying, I can see their point.

At one point, I was between jobs, and actually thought about registering as a childminder, so that daughter could claim childcare and I could look for a part-time job, but it didn't happen.

Jerseylaura · 06/05/2023 21:49

Best advice: be transparent, set expectations from both sides. People saying its insane parents are expecting to be paid, are coming from a very privileged position. If my mum was still alive, she would be working, and would not have time to look after my little one as and when needed. I do not think it's unreasonable for anyone to give up their time and expect nothing in return. Simply, ask - what are they expecting? I have no help childcare wise, and if it was offered from any family member, I would genuinely ask expectations monetary wise. Time is not free! X

Jerseylaura · 06/05/2023 22:01

Genuinely baffled by some replies here. Expectations are high! Jeez. If I am asking anyone to give up their time on a regular basis, I would be asking them directly their cost! Mum, gran, aunt, dad, brother, neighbours, whoever! Obviously they may offer to babysit for free, that's their perogative, but if I'm asking them, it's a different matter.

ThreeLocusts · 06/05/2023 22:10

OP, 20 a week sounds very reasonable to me. I hope you find a workable arrangement.

As for the people talking about you 'breeding' (really now??) I suspect they're secretly jealous. I'd have loved a fourth... don't let them get to you