Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Original poster

Hen party woes

173 replies

Leypt1 · 04/05/2023 12:26

Hello,

I'm getting married in September! And organising my hen do is harder than I thought it would be.

I'd originally thought I'd be happy with a night out in my hometown, on the basis that I didn't want to put anyone out.

My mind started to change for the following reasons:
-My OH wants to go abroad (tbf, to a cheap city in eastern europe) for his.
-I went to a friend's hen recently - 2 nights in an air bnb in the UK. It cost £250pp (excluding a meal out) which I initially found shocking! But then I went and it was amazing and lovely, and got me thinking how nice it would be to allow myself to be celebrated like that.

I realised that the main reason I'd been insistent on hometown was purely because I didn't want to put others out...but I'm only getting married once! (I hope)
It's been a tiring old year and honestly I would love, love, to spend a weekend with my friends cooking, sitting around a pool and playing Mr and Mrs Games.

So my question is - what is reasonable to ask people to spend?

I've done some research and here's 5 options sorted by cost (all in - accommodation, travel, activities, est. cost of food, drinks, etc.):

-3 days/2 nights in a private villa with pool in spain. Self catered and I'm happy with sticking to games, hiking, cooking, swimming, drinking etc. Would require 1 day of A/L. All in £360pp. Sadly this is my preferred option.

-3 days/2 nights across 3 rooms in an aparthotel in spain. Semi-self catered but not really good kitchen or living room facilities. Would require 1 day of A/L. Est. all in £300pp

-3 days/2 nights in a private villa with pool in spain. Self catered similar to option 1. Would require 2 days of A/L. All in £250pp. I'd be happy to take A/L but not sure about others.

-2 days/1 night in a hotel in Southend + theme park and night out. No A/L required. Est. all in £200pp

-A day in in London. Picnic, self-directed scavenger/spy trail thing, dinner in a BYOB restaurant, 3 hours of private karaoke. Est. all in £100pp.

OP posts:

Original poster

Leypt1 · 04/05/2023 12:27

Some more context if helpful:

-my wedding is in the centre of the city where I and the majority of my friends live so minimal travel costs
-I'm paying for my bridesmaids' clothes up to £50 (not sure what I'll go for yet but I've seen some nice options for well under this)
-My wedding is an open bar
-I've offered to cover my own hen costs if that was ever in question (again, didn't realise this was a thing until I went on my friend's earlier this year)

So this is hopefully the only major expenditure for this group of people!

OP posts:

shammalammadingdong · 04/05/2023 12:29

Why not just tell your friends etc what you are thinking and ask for honest comments? I would. It could be that lots of them are only to happy to pay for yuor preferred option, in which case, great. OR they might say they can't or don't want to.
It's ok to say what you want, as long as you are understanding that it might not worl for other people.

littleripper · 04/05/2023 12:29

People have wildly different expectations and budgets. Beware the people who egg you on to book an expensive do - they are often the ones who drop out at the last minute!
Personally I wouldn't ever go abroad for a hen do. For a very close family member 4 would be fine, for a friend or cousin I'd do 5 and decline anything more time/cost expensive.

SummaLuvin · 04/05/2023 12:29

it sort of depends on the financial situation of your friends. I'm doing well financially, but you have to remember that when you pay for a hen do you are paying for something that you would not choose yourself. So even if it is good value for money for a weekend in Spain for £250, a person might have preferred to spend that on a Gucci belt!

For me I would be ok spending upto aground £350 on a close friends hen - if I felt like it was decent value. I would not be best pleased about having to use A/L.

shammalammadingdong · 04/05/2023 12:29

I mean, I'd be fine with your plan for a good friend or SIL etc.

Highlighta · 04/05/2023 12:33

What is A/L?

gelatogina · 04/05/2023 12:33

Just ask your friends what they prefer and go with the majority or the decision that the people you really want there make. No one on mumsnet knows the financial situation of your friendship group.

Anamechangeisnotjustforchristmas · 04/05/2023 12:33

I personally think option 1 is the best. But you need to have a private conversation with each person individually to see how they HONESTLY feel about spending that amount of money and taking a day of AL.

I would also put some money aside to ‘cover’ people that drop out so it doesn’t push up the cost of the villa for the remaining ladies. I would also get everyone to be responsible for their own flights so you aren’t left carrying it. And ask each person for a payment upfront to cover the bills and kitty for food and drink etc.

Doidontimmm · 04/05/2023 12:33

I’d not pay any of those if at the expense of a family trip away so really depends on your friends circumstances.

Its also very short notice so you are not giving anyone time to save up.

Original poster

Leypt1 · 04/05/2023 12:34

shammalammadingdong · 04/05/2023 12:29

Thanks for this. Yeah so an extra issue which it's worth stating early is that I've delegated organising this to two of my hens/bridesmaids but I made the mistake of initially saying "I'm fine with whatever!! don't want anyone spending more than 10p!!" etc.

I then looked into costa brava and was taken aback by how cheap it seemed to go away

So I suggested it to them along with a budget of £250pp but they're struggling to find anything and have asked how I feel about staying home

I realised I actually felt very sad about it! Actually teary at the thought, which was telling

I asked them to send out a survey asking about budget, A/L etc. but they think it would open us up to too much wavering. They have however shared a poll asking about going away, but I'm not sure this will get us the information/outcome we need?

They've said I should've just been clear from the outset. I know that now!! I blame reading so many threads critiquing pushy brides on here haha

OP posts:

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 04/05/2023 12:34

Speak to the group and find out what people are prepared/able to do.

I know you're saying £XXpp but I'm assuming you've found these numbers based on how many people you want to invite?
What if half of them say no? Would you still go ahead with it and do something different with the other people?
Do you have any 'non-negotiable' people who you'd invite, as in people who absolutely wouldn't want to miss it and who you desperately want to be there? In their situation, can they afford/manage it?

A friend of mine recently had his stag do abroad and was gutted that so many people either dropped out or couldn't come. He had a great time nonetheless but is now having a separate stag do in his home town for those who couldn't come.

SummaLuvin · 04/05/2023 12:34

A hen I was invited on the organiser made a document setting out options and pricing and did a google questionnaire, we ranked our preferences and had options to make comments, it was all anonymous.

SummaLuvin · 04/05/2023 12:35

Highlighta · 04/05/2023 12:33

What is A/L?

annual leave

Anamechangeisnotjustforchristmas · 04/05/2023 12:35

Highlighta · 04/05/2023 12:33

What is A/L?

Annual leave

LabradorVibe · 04/05/2023 12:35

When you say all in includes travel - is that just travel once people arrive at an airport, or travel from their home? Travel insurance will be an extra cost for going abroad too, and I'm assuming is not covered.

Honestly, the annual leave would bother me more than the cost. With notice of (assumedly) no more than three months, I definitely wouldn't be taking two days of annual leave. Possibly would take one but even that is questionable at this stage...

If you're going to self cater - are your friends the sort of people to all muck in? It might irritate the "helpers" in the group if theyre paying the same but acting as a quasi housekeeper for others who are expecting meals to appear / washing up to get sorted without effort. That's always a risk with self catering but I think exacerbated if people don't all know each other and everyone has spent a fair bit of money

Sissynova · 04/05/2023 12:38

I’ve attended several hens and went abroad for my own but YABU because you don’t plan your own hen!
Imo it’s a lot more pressure on your friends when the request is coming from you.

Gardenclems · 04/05/2023 12:40

I think you’ve left it too short notice for an a road hen do tbh. Lots of people will be saving for their own summer holidays. I gave about 12 months notice for my aboard hen do

JustAJokeLikeOnTopGear · 04/05/2023 12:42

You sound very considerate and level headed. I’d be prepared to spend on any of those given it seems well researched and a decent trip rather than just spiralling costs.

I’d lay out the options to the group and ask for a consensus.

Good luck and have a wonderful time.

Original poster

Leypt1 · 04/05/2023 12:43

Wow, lots of responses! Thanks everyone. I'll address some:

"A hen I was invited on the organiser made a document setting out options and pricing and did a google questionnaire, we ranked our preferences and had options to make comments, it was all anonymous."

Yes I think I'll just insist my lead organisers do this tbh

"When you say all in includes travel - is that just travel once people arrive at an airport, or travel from their home? Travel insurance will be an extra cost for going abroad too, and I'm assuming is not covered."

Yeah good point didn't consider insurance. Travel from home I'm happy for people to stay at mine the night before (will be a squeeze!) and for us to share a minicab to the airport. Maybe my cousin will offer her home too/instead, it's a few miles closer.

"If you're going to self cater - are your friends the sort of people to all muck in?"

I go away with a lot of people in this group annually and we split roles. It works well! Some of the others I lived with and we've hosted each other a lot since, they're all excellent hosts. And my cousins are Indian women and therefore genetically programmed to help?

OP posts:

mrsbyers · 04/05/2023 12:45

You need to factor in passports too , some may not have valid ones and would need time to arrange

Overthebow · 04/05/2023 12:49

I wouldn’t mind spending that sort of money in a close friends hen, but I do think it’s a bit short notice now. Most people will have already planned their holidays and annual leave for this year. It also won’t just be the cost of the holiday, there will be additional travel costs, airport food, probably a meal and drink out even if you cook most of the time and holiday clothes. I also think 2 nights is too short to go all the way to Spain for that sort of holiday. By the time you’ve got there and unpacked there’s only really one day then you’re packing to leave again. I’d stick with the UK plan.

garlictwist · 04/05/2023 12:50

Do those prices for Spain include flights? What about people who won't be flying from the same place as you? I know my local airport only flies certain places once a week or not at all.

Personally it would be too much for me but I am on a low income.

Confusion101 · 04/05/2023 12:59

I'll be honest from my own personal point of view I think it's a bit short notice. The Spain options still require chunks of spending money while you are out there. I would be happy paying that for a close friend with notice (even at that I wouldn't necessarily say I'd be happy but I would do it)... I also think it's unreasonable to expect people to have to take annual leave.

For comparison the most recent hen I was on was 270 pp, it included 2 nights, 2 days, no annual leave required. It was self catering accommodation so night 1 we stayed in, day / night 2 we had an activity, a meal and went out.. The 270 included accommodation, all food for the weekend including breakfast which we cooked ourselves, lunch, food on both nights, activity, lots of drink on night 1 although we did bring our own, and drinks up until after dinner on day 2. It took a lot of organising on the bridesmaids part.

AluckyEllie · 04/05/2023 13:02

I would say £360 and a days annual leave would be too much for me unless you were a best friend or a sister. How many people are you basing the costs on- would it go up if a few people said no because of the accommodation? If you would be happy to have a smaller group go and not feel bad about some people not going certainly suggest it. I’m guessing not many people have kids etc yet?

Lcb123 · 04/05/2023 13:02

I wouldn’t go abroad with that short notice and in current financial climate. Give the other options to your friends and ask for honest feedback, privately if they prefer

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Swipe left for the next trending thread