Hen party woes

[Leypt1]

Hello,

I'm getting married in September! And organising my hen do is harder than I thought it would be.

I'd originally thought I'd be happy with a night out in my hometown, on the basis that I didn't want to put anyone out.

My mind started to change for the following reasons:
-My OH wants to go abroad (tbf, to a cheap city in eastern europe) for his.
-I went to a friend's hen recently - 2 nights in an air bnb in the UK. It cost £250pp (excluding a meal out) which I initially found shocking! But then I went and it was amazing and lovely, and got me thinking how nice it would be to allow myself to be celebrated like that.

I realised that the main reason I'd been insistent on hometown was purely because I didn't want to put others out...but I'm only getting married once! (I hope)
It's been a tiring old year and honestly I would love, love, to spend a weekend with my friends cooking, sitting around a pool and playing Mr and Mrs Games.

So my question is - what is reasonable to ask people to spend?

I've done some research and here's 5 options sorted by cost (all in - accommodation, travel, activities, est. cost of food, drinks, etc.):

-3 days/2 nights in a private villa with pool in spain. Self catered and I'm happy with sticking to games, hiking, cooking, swimming, drinking etc. Would require 1 day of A/L. All in £360pp. Sadly this is my preferred option.

-3 days/2 nights across 3 rooms in an aparthotel in spain. Semi-self catered but not really good kitchen or living room facilities. Would require 1 day of A/L. Est. all in £300pp

-3 days/2 nights in a private villa with pool in spain. Self catered similar to option 1. Would require 2 days of A/L. All in £250pp. I'd be happy to take A/L but not sure about others.

-2 days/1 night in a hotel in Southend + theme park and night out. No A/L required. Est. all in £200pp

-A day in in London. Picnic, self-directed scavenger/spy trail thing, dinner in a BYOB restaurant, 3 hours of private karaoke. Est. all in £100pp.

I’d just never pay that much for a couple of days anywhere, although it does sound lovely.

You could rent a super luxury house in the UK for a couple of nights. It would cost less overall, more people could make it and you could rent somewhere absolutely amazing with a pool.

Agree.

What about a UK Airbnb for 2 nights, there's got to be one within, say 3 hour drive of you that has a couple of nice walks, big kitchen table and maybe a hot tub or pool? That would be my preferred option and would bring the costs right down.

Also get a general idea of budget - e.g. £150 pp all in - and get Mumsnet to find you a place!

'and got me thinking how nice it would be to allow myself to be celebrated like that'
The reason for a hen do is because you're getting married - a day that is literally all about celebrating you and your other half, your love and happiness. With gifts. Honestly, I'd give your head a wobble at thinking you should 'allow yourself to be celebrated' like it's some benevolent gift you're bestowing on your nearest and dearest! It's got a strong waft of princess bridezilla about it.
Have the nice night out that you asked your bridesmaids to organise, because from what you've said they clearly aren't thrilled about being asked to pull a cheap, last minute holiday out of their arses for you!

I agree with the above; also the feeling teary that your friends/family can’t afford or get the time to take you abroad for your hen party at 360 for two days at short notice?

Stop it, anyone would think it’s your coronation on Monday.

You sound like hard work. You suggested a low key event, but now want to go overseas even though we're getting vibes your bridesmaids / guests don't want to do that

I confidently predict future threads about your hen party..... and not in a good way

Not really, the wedding celebrates the couple/joining of two families. The hen do is for the bride.

OP I totally get where you're coming from as I also have read the threads over the years of 'grabby' (hate that term) brides and MN got in my head. But unfortunately I think it's too late if you're getting married in September - summer AL is booked months in advance in my job, it's just unlikely some people would even be able to get the day off at this stage. Not to mention the finances. Also agree with PP not to listen to people who egg you on to book something - one of my friends was pushing me to book 4 nights in Spain, by the time the hen rolled round she was 6 months pregnant. You can't rely on what people say, they have their own shit going on.

Is there some sort of other compromise? Overnight/two nights in a big house near home so you get your overnight stay with games (+/- a night out the other night) but those who can't commit to staying can just come for the day? I really believe you'd get a better turnout that way. It's a lot to ask of your bridesmaids at this short notice though so you should probably organise the accommodation yourself. Also... £50 for a bridesmaid dress? Cut your hen budget and stump up for the outfits, it doesn't sound like you've factored in alterations either.

Think the last one sounds the best and easiest

Since it’s going to be in the summer I’d much rather do a couple of nights in a really nice airbnb in the UK than fly to Spain where it could well be 40 degrees. It was high 30s already a week or so ago. You could then get the big kitchen, a nice garden for playing games, more bedrooms/bathrooms.

Honestly I'd really begrudge feeling like I had to go abroad to celebrate a bride, it would be a huge upheaval for me. I think your original plan is actually really lovely and if you have the right people in your life, they should spoil you regardless of where you are! Whatever you end up doing, I hope you have a great time!

Rediculous. You make it sound like the hens is the big event. The wedding is supposed to be that.

You are gonna have a cheap wedding with cheap Costco drinks. Andbpay 50 pounds towards a dress ?

But you still expect everyone to fork out at least 300 pounds because you dont want to feel sad... I dont get it

The location shouldn't matter.
You are celebrating. You can do that wherever.
Not everyone has a spare 300.
Plus the buying of new shoes. A wedding present. Hair and make up. Etc etc etc

Be happy you have got friends to celebrate with
That should be enough

if this was for next year it could be possible for people to save. However this year literally months/weeks away. It would be too short notice for booking annual leave and also saving up the cost when I’m saving up for my own holidays. I’d be a bit miffed expecting a cheaper local one for this to be thrown at me now. Especially the organiser!

If you’re doing a 180 on what was initially discussed I think you are far better off “leading” the discussion yourself as your friends probably don’t know what to make of it. If you’ve said X and they have potentially researched and discussed ideas that you now don’t want to do, id feel a bit fed up. Just do it yourself 🙂

I wouldn't be able to manage this at that short notice and I don't think it's fair to ask tbh.

Eeeeh this made me cringe got me thinking how nice it would be to allow myself to be celebrated like that

personally I think anything that involves more than a day and an evening is too much to ask and especially if it involves taking annual leave.

YABU for asking your bridesmaids to organise and then doing organising yourself- I've been that hen do organiser before and its a PITA having the bride tell you what she wants rather than just letting you get on with it. Just organise it yourself if you're bothered!

But as others have said- wanting an abroad hen is fine, but its probably too short notice (unless your friends are all cash rich and commitment poor- only you know if this is the case).

I think it would've been fine ... if you'd decided this a while back. I've just got back from a 3 night hen do abroad and it was fantastic. It cost around the same amount you're proposing. I've now heard through the grapevine that my best friend (the hen was a different group of friends) is proposing the same sort of thing for her birthday at the end of the summer. Because of the late notice I don't know if I'll be able to go. Not because of the AL but because of finances. If she'd given more notice I may have given this hen a swerve to attend her birthday. People don't think to give plenty of notice and it is bad when others are put in a difficult position.

I think that in the context of Costco booze and Bridesmaids having to pay for their own dress with a £50 contribution from you (rethink this, please, it will be earning you no love whatsoever) that your allowing yourself to be celebrated needs to be proportionate. If you're mates are all self made with no restrictions on spare cash or annual leave, then fine. Whoop it up. If not, then read the room.

they're struggling to find anything and have asked how I feel about staying home

This is how they feel about the hen do. Read between the lines. They're struggling to find anything that works for them and you do not want to push an agenda and end up surrounded by pissed off women somewhere. Let them sort it out and go along with it.

Thanks everyone, so many responses. Hearing you all re. The notice, I think I'm very lucky at my work with A/L and take it for granted that others can take it tbh.

Anyway I took advice and put out some feelers re. the options in my OP. For each option I've asked people to indicate whether they can do the date, whether they can take leave and whether they'd be comfortable spending that much. I've also asked people to tell me their general spending limit in the event that we end up staying in London (our hometown).

Let's see what comes back. I do feel a bit bad for my lead organisers who I think have done a bit of plotting re. How to make London feel more fun and special, but just to clarify they hadn't actually organised anything or suggested anything to the hens yet, this has all happened in a very short space of time (like, they became lead organisers 9 days ago and I suggested going away 8.75 days ago)

I honestly could not be arsed with the time, effort and stress involved in flying somewhere for just 2 nights. There would only be one full day what with the travelling either side!

I don’t really understand the concept of saying 3 days 2 nights, it’s 2 nights and that’s it, you don’t count the days, day 1 and 3 are travel days so depending on flight time check out check in, transfers etc, could be pretty much wiped out. I think folks do it to make it sound longer.

so on that basis 2 nights in Spain, it’s a long way to go for two nights. I think 3 is a minimum , otherwise stay in the uk. I’d come with you, financially no issue, but I’d say no for two nights.

Cross posted and me too, I’d not be up for that at all. Three nights sure, four better. But two, no way.

So I suggested it to them along with a budget of £250pp but they're struggling to find anything and have asked how I feel about staying home

oh just saw this, you’re not reading the room,,

I agree with this too.