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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hen party woes

173 replies

Leypt1 · 04/05/2023 12:26

Hello,

I'm getting married in September! And organising my hen do is harder than I thought it would be.

I'd originally thought I'd be happy with a night out in my hometown, on the basis that I didn't want to put anyone out.

My mind started to change for the following reasons:
-My OH wants to go abroad (tbf, to a cheap city in eastern europe) for his.
-I went to a friend's hen recently - 2 nights in an air bnb in the UK. It cost £250pp (excluding a meal out) which I initially found shocking! But then I went and it was amazing and lovely, and got me thinking how nice it would be to allow myself to be celebrated like that.

I realised that the main reason I'd been insistent on hometown was purely because I didn't want to put others out...but I'm only getting married once! (I hope)
It's been a tiring old year and honestly I would love, love, to spend a weekend with my friends cooking, sitting around a pool and playing Mr and Mrs Games.

So my question is - what is reasonable to ask people to spend?

I've done some research and here's 5 options sorted by cost (all in - accommodation, travel, activities, est. cost of food, drinks, etc.):

-3 days/2 nights in a private villa with pool in spain. Self catered and I'm happy with sticking to games, hiking, cooking, swimming, drinking etc. Would require 1 day of A/L. All in £360pp. Sadly this is my preferred option.

-3 days/2 nights across 3 rooms in an aparthotel in spain. Semi-self catered but not really good kitchen or living room facilities. Would require 1 day of A/L. Est. all in £300pp

-3 days/2 nights in a private villa with pool in spain. Self catered similar to option 1. Would require 2 days of A/L. All in £250pp. I'd be happy to take A/L but not sure about others.

-2 days/1 night in a hotel in Southend + theme park and night out. No A/L required. Est. all in £200pp

-A day in in London. Picnic, self-directed scavenger/spy trail thing, dinner in a BYOB restaurant, 3 hours of private karaoke. Est. all in £100pp.

OP posts:
wisdenbr · 04/05/2023 17:36

I am so the same as you in terms of worrying about putting other people out so much that I end up putting myself out! I am still learning to try and stop doing this, as I have experience of this ending up with regret for me and not enjoying things I should have been allowed to enjoy. Thankfully my hen do I felt so strongly I wanted to go abroad that I was clear on that from the start and found the flights and potential accommodation myself, started a group chat and said basically this is the plan and I 100% understand if people can't afford or don't want to, but this is what I fancy. Was more than happy for it to be a small group.
In the end 9 people came and it was around £300 each before activities which nobody seemed to complain about really and we had a FAB time.
None of my friends has kids at that point and most weren't yet engaged etc either so I did strike at a good time.
Things maybe wouldn't be the same now.

So I'm thinking you choose what you want (or maybe 2 favourite options) and see what takers there are! The temptation is to go for less time to save people money and annual leave but for trips abroad it also has to be worth it so try get the balance right there. And just remember you have to love this, this is your one and only hen do!

Side note though: you maybe have left it a little late :-( but if you can find a good deal then no harm asking!
I can see what your bridesmaids mean about not giving too many options to a large group, I would also avoid that. Things like the plan and the dates etc need to be presented as a done deal really, or at most 2 options and go with majority

OhmygodDont · 04/05/2023 17:36

far too late notice if your wanting someone to drop say £300 in a hen.

Me personally anymore than £100 or having to stay out and I’m a nope really. I do not want to be sharing rooms with people I don’t know but the bride does.

DisforDarkChocolate · 04/05/2023 17:37

No thoughts about the hen do both t cut the open bar at the wedding. People take the piss, get ridiculously drunk and act very badly. Why pay for that?!

Gymtastic · 04/05/2023 17:41

SkaneTos · 04/05/2023 17:36

I agree with this too.

Show quote history

I also cringed at this, I’ve never heard anyone who thought their hen night was so people could celebrate them, made my toes curl a bit

wisdenbr · 04/05/2023 17:41

Totally agree about the open bar, it's not expected and there's no need!

Also don't let people on here get in your head about asking too much of others. You can always ask and people will say no if they can't afford/don't want to. I agree with not asking for an outrageous amount but £300 is not wild for an abroad holiday!

purpleboy · 04/05/2023 17:42

What about a big house in the uk with a pool or hot tub? Might work out better.

Gymtastic · 04/05/2023 17:43

wisdenbr · 04/05/2023 17:41

Totally agree about the open bar, it's not expected and there's no need!

Also don't let people on here get in your head about asking too much of others. You can always ask and people will say no if they can't afford/don't want to. I agree with not asking for an outrageous amount but £300 is not wild for an abroad holiday!

I don’t know how the op can say all in 360. Generally food and booze is on top and that’s hard to judge,but can be huge.

Gymtastic · 04/05/2023 17:43

Sorry so should add it could easily be double that when food and drink is in there.

SuperSaint · 04/05/2023 17:53

I would be happy to go abroad and spend the money. My issue would be the short notice. I already have a two week holiday booked for late July and early August so could not get more time off work close to that. I also have plans for several other weekends meeting friends etc that I would not want to reschedule.

If you want all your friends to be available the same weekend you need to give much more notice!

Original poster
Leypt1 · 04/05/2023 17:56

wisdenbr · 04/05/2023 17:41

Totally agree about the open bar, it's not expected and there's no need!

Also don't let people on here get in your head about asking too much of others. You can always ask and people will say no if they can't afford/don't want to. I agree with not asking for an outrageous amount but £300 is not wild for an abroad holiday!

Thanks, alas for South Asian weddings it is very much expected.

Cry laughing at the hypocrisy of the people calling me a diva while sniffing at the idea of Costco booze. Dry hire is very much the norm when you are catering for 200+ and we simply don't have the £50k+ that Asian weddings in the UK cost ON AVERAGE

Yes £50 is my budget for their clothes and yes I have checked and yes you can get a decent Indian outfit for this

No I am not expecting them to get their hair and makeup done as I cannot pay for it

this is literally the only thing I have asked of these people in years, sometimes ever. All of them are my hens and bridesmaids (yes the Venn diagram of these two groups is a circle) because I consider them good friends. Two of them are having/have had hens this year already and I went because I am their friend and gasp I enjoyed the one I went on, because I love my friends and love to celebrate them and their happiness

OP posts:
Original poster
Leypt1 · 04/05/2023 18:00

Re the budget I figured we'd spend £50pp on groceries and drink and included that in my estimates for the villas

Aparthotels I budgeted more to account for the shit facilities, hotels more again, so I think it really would be all in

Note that I'm in charge of food for our annual friend holidays and typically spend about £100 feeding 7/8 people for 2 days so £50pp is imo an extravagant overestimate (and yes people like my food, I am a chef)

OP posts:
Genie321 · 04/05/2023 18:01

Anamechangeisnotjustforchristmas · 04/05/2023 13:03

And my cousins are Indian women and therefore genetically culturally programmed to help?

fixed that for you

Did the OP actually say that?!!!!

Original poster
Leypt1 · 04/05/2023 18:02

Genie321 · 04/05/2023 18:01

Did the OP actually say that?!!!!

Show quote history

Yes and I already addressed this

OP posts:
shammalammadingdong · 04/05/2023 18:04

Gymtastic · 04/05/2023 17:41

I also cringed at this, I’ve never heard anyone who thought their hen night was so people could celebrate them, made my toes curl a bit

Show quote history

What do you think a hen night is for then?

Original poster
Leypt1 · 04/05/2023 18:05

Maybe we could find an Airbnb with a pool in the UK, I would be happy with this but I've not had a comprehensive look. My lead organisers went straight to suggesting staying at home

OP posts:
friendlycat · 04/05/2023 18:05

But most people are merely pointing out, to help your expectations, that if you had wanted a hen do abroad it needs planning both logistically and financially.

This needs to be planned in advance, well in advance, so people can financially put away say £50 a month over a period of time and book any necessary days off.

All of a sudden you’re changing the goal posts, completely contradicting what you asked your organisers to organise and asking people to financially find several hundreds of pounds without the necessary prior notice that would normally be expected. The people pointing this out to you are only trying to make you see the wider picture here of what your hen group will presumably be thinking themselves.

shammalammadingdong · 04/05/2023 18:05

Hamburgerandchips · 04/05/2023 17:30

I honestly could not be arsed with the time, effort and stress involved in flying somewhere for just 2 nights. There would only be one full day what with the travelling either side!

That's you though. And your apparent inability to plan.

I'm going away for 2 nights next weekend. It's almost 3 full days due to an early flight out and a late flight back.

Original poster
Leypt1 · 04/05/2023 18:09

friendlycat · 04/05/2023 18:05

But most people are merely pointing out, to help your expectations, that if you had wanted a hen do abroad it needs planning both logistically and financially.

This needs to be planned in advance, well in advance, so people can financially put away say £50 a month over a period of time and book any necessary days off.

All of a sudden you’re changing the goal posts, completely contradicting what you asked your organisers to organise and asking people to financially find several hundreds of pounds without the necessary prior notice that would normally be expected. The people pointing this out to you are only trying to make you see the wider picture here of what your hen group will presumably be thinking themselves.

Yeah I have taken the point about the notice and will need to see what people come back with on the survey

I'm upset at the suggestions that asking for something for myself at all is somehow stupid or "princess bridezilla" like when I feel like I'm trying really really hard to be considerate, hence asking this question on this thread/putting the question to my friends in the first place

OP posts:
Seas164 · 04/05/2023 18:14

You go for it, you can absolutley demand whatever you want out of your hen do, but you did come with the question of what might be reasonable. You've appointed Lead Organisers, let them lead the organising.

My lead organisers went straight to suggesting staying at home

...because they're chatting in a WhatsApp group you're not in, and this is what they all want to do.

Original poster
Leypt1 · 04/05/2023 18:16

Anyway I think I've got all the guidance I needed from this, thanks everyone.

Thanks especially to everyone who pushed me to just be open and honest with my lead organisers about it and to check with my friends, which I now have done. Hopefully we will be able to pull something together in the allotted time but otherwise people have the opportunity to tick London as their preferred option

And a big fuck you to everyone who took this as an opportunity to critique my wedding and personality xxx

OP posts:
Original poster
Leypt1 · 04/05/2023 18:17

Seas164 · 04/05/2023 18:14

You go for it, you can absolutley demand whatever you want out of your hen do, but you did come with the question of what might be reasonable. You've appointed Lead Organisers, let them lead the organising.

My lead organisers went straight to suggesting staying at home

...because they're chatting in a WhatsApp group you're not in, and this is what they all want to do.

No like this was their immediate response as soon as I suggested going away last week, I actually think today was the first time any consulting has been done with any of the others

OP posts:
SummaLuvin · 04/05/2023 18:23

Leypt1 · 04/05/2023 18:17

No like this was their immediate response as soon as I suggested going away last week, I actually think today was the first time any consulting has been done with any of the others

Show quote history

I get that others weren't asked, but the lead organisers are presumably the ones closest to you, and if they don't fancy it (and it sounds like they don't) then surely it doesn't matter if the rest are up for it...

elm26 · 04/05/2023 18:37

Leypt1 · 04/05/2023 18:16

Anyway I think I've got all the guidance I needed from this, thanks everyone.

Thanks especially to everyone who pushed me to just be open and honest with my lead organisers about it and to check with my friends, which I now have done. Hopefully we will be able to pull something together in the allotted time but otherwise people have the opportunity to tick London as their preferred option

And a big fuck you to everyone who took this as an opportunity to critique my wedding and personality xxx

You sound really pleasant, OP Hmm

Good luck! I wouldn't be paying to go abroad for somebody's hen for 2 nights at this short notice.

MXVIT · 04/05/2023 18:49

"Hopefully we will be able to pull something together in the allotted time but otherwise people have the opportunity to tick London as their preferred option"

This makes me quite uncomfortable OP - just to say, if it transpires that you do end up with your initial plan (which I daresay you will for the reasons outlined) - please PLEASE dont be resentful about it and still do your best to enjoy it. Your lead organisers will have worked very hard so please don't make them feel like they've failed just because you've had an overly ambitious change of heart

Gymtastic · 04/05/2023 18:49

shammalammadingdong · 04/05/2023 18:04

What do you think a hen night is for then?

Show quote history

My understanding , and also I think the one normally accepted, is it is to celebrate the up and coming wedding and celebrating the final days of freedom, I have never heard it as to celebrate rhe bride, but maybe that’s your understanding, at your hen party you felt it was to celebrate you and nothing to do with your wedding?.