Hen party woes

[Leypt1]

Hello,

I'm getting married in September! And organising my hen do is harder than I thought it would be.

I'd originally thought I'd be happy with a night out in my hometown, on the basis that I didn't want to put anyone out.

My mind started to change for the following reasons:
-My OH wants to go abroad (tbf, to a cheap city in eastern europe) for his.
-I went to a friend's hen recently - 2 nights in an air bnb in the UK. It cost £250pp (excluding a meal out) which I initially found shocking! But then I went and it was amazing and lovely, and got me thinking how nice it would be to allow myself to be celebrated like that.

I realised that the main reason I'd been insistent on hometown was purely because I didn't want to put others out...but I'm only getting married once! (I hope)
It's been a tiring old year and honestly I would love, love, to spend a weekend with my friends cooking, sitting around a pool and playing Mr and Mrs Games.

So my question is - what is reasonable to ask people to spend?

I've done some research and here's 5 options sorted by cost (all in - accommodation, travel, activities, est. cost of food, drinks, etc.):

-3 days/2 nights in a private villa with pool in spain. Self catered and I'm happy with sticking to games, hiking, cooking, swimming, drinking etc. Would require 1 day of A/L. All in £360pp. Sadly this is my preferred option.

-3 days/2 nights across 3 rooms in an aparthotel in spain. Semi-self catered but not really good kitchen or living room facilities. Would require 1 day of A/L. Est. all in £300pp

-3 days/2 nights in a private villa with pool in spain. Self catered similar to option 1. Would require 2 days of A/L. All in £250pp. I'd be happy to take A/L but not sure about others.

-2 days/1 night in a hotel in Southend + theme park and night out. No A/L required. Est. all in £200pp

-A day in in London. Picnic, self-directed scavenger/spy trail thing, dinner in a BYOB restaurant, 3 hours of private karaoke. Est. all in £100pp.

Have you factored in time and cost getting to and from the airport to the Villa in Spain. What if there are are flight delays, your tine there is going to be quite short.

Do people have children? Will their partners also have to take leave for the day.

I would imagine going abroad would get a lot more expensive by the time you get everyone to agree and actually book.

I am against flying abroad for only a few days. Such a faff going through the airport. But I would vote for villa over apart-hotel where there's nowhere to congregate.

I wouldn't want to spend £200 going to Southend tbh.

London would get my vote but I had a hen-do very similar to that. Nearly all my friends came, as opposed to the only foreign hen I've been on where 10 people originally said YES, only to drop out later and leave the bride upset that only three people were going.

I think choose the option that will result in most people you care about going.

I've been on quite a few hen parties, none of which have been full weekend affairs. I don't see why you need a whole weekend to celebrate getting married. It feels rather selfish to me to ask your friends to take annual leave and pay hundreds because you want to be 'celebrated'.

I'd write off going abroad that's without spending money which is alot to ask and at such short notice especially in this climate. I liked your last idea.

Tbf it depends on the crowd. We had a free bar (with no spirits or cocktails included though) and we didn't hit the cost ceiling we'd set. Everyone was very reasonable.

Personally i don't think 250 is too much for two nights. My own hen was 350e that was for one night included hotel, breakfast, dinner and a cabaret show. It was in a location that everyone was bale to get to easily and we also car pooled. I didn't want two nights mainly myself as i don't like being away too long from home plus this was the third time my hen was booked due to covid. My sister organized it and she asked me exactly what i wanted and also researched on everything and had been too a good few hen parties before both at home and abroad and knew what prices are like. Does your hen party need to be two nights ? Is one not sufficient, that way you can have the day after to do another thing before you go home ? Agree that it could be too late to go abroad. What does it matter what your other half is doing anyway? Mine went racing for the day as that's what he is interested in and what he wanted to do. personally loved mine it was a brilliant show lots of cocktails and dancing, plus no one was able to do anything the day after the joys of getting old 😜

Don't ask your friends what they would they be prepared to pay for! A close friend bride sprang that on me and I could not find a way of telling her that I could hardly pay the £500 on the fancy five star hotel she'd found half way across the country. Have a good think about your friends and what they do and earn and ask yourself if they are able to spend that much or whether what you are asking is a real stretch for them.

To be honest OP you lost me at ‘it would be nice to allow myself to be celebrated’ - isn’t that what you’re wedding is for?

You sound quite entitled, as you’ve tasked your closest friends with paying for their own dresses (do they get to choose them) and then forcing them to project manage a hen party that you’ve continued to change. This is in addition to their own jobs/families/lives and you’re acting like it’s no big deal. I hope you have bloody good gifts planned!

unless your friends are well off, £300+ is a huge amount for a hen with food and drinks on top. Why not just pay for a house, ask everyone to contribute £50 and say you’ll sort food and drinks. That way you’re with your friends, you’re being celebrated, and people aren’t having to faff around with annual leave, passports etc

I would be happy to go with option 1 with the cheaper option of 2 a/l leaves and asking them to choose between the 2.

I do find it strange that you’re only paying £50 towards the bridesmaid dresses though, what are you not paying for their dresses completely?

Are the whole group friends, or will there be odd ones out? It's a very different thing to be asked to an abroad do with a bunch of semi-strangers than it is to a close group who'd perhaps do the same trip together anyway.

I also think you're missing a "by the room" option for the hotel.

I know that a private villa is a nice option, but really, it saves a whole lot of headaches for pairs of people to share private rooms - with the B2B often getting a more "suite" style room to accommodate get togethers.

Sorry but I think it’s probably too short notice to plan a trip abroad this summer- even if people can find the money, getting time off work could be problematic. You know your friends best though, maybe put out some feelers. I know I couldn’t manage it though- DC are at school/term time only nursery so I’d need DH to be off to look after them and he has every day already allocated until the end of the year. £200 for southend, is that a joke or typo?! I think the London day/night sounds really good except 3 hours of karaoke because that is a really long time to be singing even for a karaoke fan 😂

It woujd be a no from me personally

350pp PLUS all other expenses food drink etc - I'd rather spend that amount on something of my own choice rather than it being forced upon me.

I get your point around your wedding not being that expensive but - they are still expensive for guests.

As per PP I would stick to home night out for hen then maybe a weekend away with just the bridesmaids?

Do some of your group have kids/pets they'd need to pay to leave for 3 days?

Also one of the biggest reasons I'd not go abroad for a hen is that I'd hate to be in a swimsuit in front of people who know me for 3 days so that, for me, would outweigh the cost. I'm a size 10/12 so not big but just not comfortable in myself and I know a lot of my friend group would be the same.

I'd have a small pre wedding holiday maybe for you and your very closest friends and just do a big night out for the main hen.

"To be honest OP you lost me at ‘it would be nice to allow myself to be celebrated’ - isn’t that what you’re wedding is for?"

I have to agree with this too, sorry OP

Just stay local. You're being grabby now.

If you are dictating what they wear then you pay for it.

Sorry I also agree with this. I also think it’s too short notice for an abroad hen. You can still have a lovely time in the uk though! I think the costs you have quoted are pretty high to be honest and there will be food and drink costs on top of it so will bump the cost up even more.

One key question, how big is the group and what relation are they to you, i.e. what's the mix of family/friends? Personally I'd be happy to pay for Option 1 and take a day's leave even at short notice for a sister or best friend etc., but would probably resent it a bit for more of an acquaintance/distant family member, especially if I wouldn't know too many of the rest of the group. I think if you've got a large, mixed group it's going to be quite tough to sort out an abroad hen do at this notice, so if this is what you're going for some people are going to drop out whatever you do/how cheap you make it.

I hate to make a complicated situation more complex but could you do 2 hens? 1 abroad trip for a small group of close close people i.e. bridesmaids/immediate family and 1 local night out for everyone else? And no pressure on anyone to come to both? If you go for this option you can let your bridesmaids get on with organizing the local party as they seem to want to do without much interference/input from you (sending round polls and spreadsheets and computing multiple preferences all sounds a massive headache TBH, I think at this stage they just need to choose a date/location and just get on with booking it, you're never going to please everyone with these types of thing), and you can organise the spanish trip yourself since you've pretty much done all the research already, just set people a yay/nay deadline and then book ASAP?

The issue is that it's now short notice. Many people have to put annual leave requests in months in advance plus may have budgeted for holidays already. If a weekend away with your friends is important to you then I think it needs to be significantly cheaper and no annual leave required

Leave your hen as it is, with the bridesmaids organising.

Offer a couple of the abroad options to your friends as a 'last girls holiday abroad', with you doing all the organising. See how many want to take you up on it, without the pressure of feeling that they have to because it's your 'hen'. But then don't try to make it one, don't play Mr & Mrs games unless they suggest it, don't wear sashes with bride and hen etc.

I personally don’t like hen party’s that take some too far away from home. But other might love it so I guess you have to judge on the people you plan to invite.

What about a bit of a fancier day out locally? I get married in September too, and for my Hen we’re going to a Ladies day at the racecourse and having a posh lunch beforehand. Tickets have cost everyone just under £30 and they’ll pay for their own lunch. I think that’s an affordable amount to expect from most.

I think it’s quite late in the day to be asking your friends to find the time and money for an abroad hen do. On top of the £360 pp, they’ll potentially need to pay for transport to the airport, transfers to the Villa plus food and drink costs. I’d expect that amount to be more than £360 all in.

I’d ask your friends what the consensus is and go with that. If you want a girlie holiday, do it after the wedding when everyone has time to budget for it.

Do the invitees have small children? If so then they will (mostly) find it hard to get away for 2 nights

And would likely want to spend the money on a family holiday if they at all wanted to go abroad.

I don't want to diss Southend as I live very near but seriously....dont.
Adventure Island is not that big, or great, and Southend itself is a shit hole. We may have city status but I avoid it like the plague.

Your first option sounds best, either that or just have a night out where you live.