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Original poster

Hen party woes

173 replies

Leypt1 · 04/05/2023 12:26

Hello,

I'm getting married in September! And organising my hen do is harder than I thought it would be.

I'd originally thought I'd be happy with a night out in my hometown, on the basis that I didn't want to put anyone out.

My mind started to change for the following reasons:
-My OH wants to go abroad (tbf, to a cheap city in eastern europe) for his.
-I went to a friend's hen recently - 2 nights in an air bnb in the UK. It cost £250pp (excluding a meal out) which I initially found shocking! But then I went and it was amazing and lovely, and got me thinking how nice it would be to allow myself to be celebrated like that.

I realised that the main reason I'd been insistent on hometown was purely because I didn't want to put others out...but I'm only getting married once! (I hope)
It's been a tiring old year and honestly I would love, love, to spend a weekend with my friends cooking, sitting around a pool and playing Mr and Mrs Games.

So my question is - what is reasonable to ask people to spend?

I've done some research and here's 5 options sorted by cost (all in - accommodation, travel, activities, est. cost of food, drinks, etc.):

-3 days/2 nights in a private villa with pool in spain. Self catered and I'm happy with sticking to games, hiking, cooking, swimming, drinking etc. Would require 1 day of A/L. All in £360pp. Sadly this is my preferred option.

-3 days/2 nights across 3 rooms in an aparthotel in spain. Semi-self catered but not really good kitchen or living room facilities. Would require 1 day of A/L. Est. all in £300pp

-3 days/2 nights in a private villa with pool in spain. Self catered similar to option 1. Would require 2 days of A/L. All in £250pp. I'd be happy to take A/L but not sure about others.

-2 days/1 night in a hotel in Southend + theme park and night out. No A/L required. Est. all in £200pp

-A day in in London. Picnic, self-directed scavenger/spy trail thing, dinner in a BYOB restaurant, 3 hours of private karaoke. Est. all in £100pp.

OP posts:
Iminthemoneylife · 04/05/2023 13:03

You need to buy for your bridesmaid outfit.

As for the hen do it depends on how much money/ AL they have and how much notice you are giving.

Anamechangeisnotjustforchristmas · 04/05/2023 13:03

And my cousins are Indian women and therefore genetically culturally programmed to help?

fixed that for you

Original poster
Leypt1 · 04/05/2023 13:07

Anamechangeisnotjustforchristmas · 04/05/2023 13:03

And my cousins are Indian women and therefore genetically culturally programmed to help?

fixed that for you

Haha I did think this as soon as I posted it. Thanks!!

OP posts:
iLovee · 04/05/2023 13:07

Why don't you give the options to your friends and see what they think! Fpr what its worth they all sound reasonable to me but I personally wouldn't take annual leave unless it was for my best best friend :)

Salacia · 04/05/2023 13:07

I think you also need to check if your organisers are happy to organise a bigger do than it sounds like you told them you wanted.

I’ve just organised a friends hen who gave me similar instructions - local, not expensive, one day, relaxed etc and it was a little more effort than I thought it would be to organise (although it was a great day in the end and came to about 35pp for activities/drinks/some food so worth it!).

If she’d changed her mind and then said actually I want you to organise a trip to Spain then that would have massively ramped up the stress and I’d have been a bit pissed off after presumably looking at local options, starting planning etc. Organising a large group abroad is tricky and the financial risk is greater for the organiser. We had two hens drop out for my friends which was fine as it was relatively cheap and both were happy for me not to refund/pass on their part of the activities/their drinks to the bride. If there were 100s of pounds at stake I imagine they’d have been less chilled out!

PrimrosesandPears · 04/05/2023 13:09

We can’t answer this for you, it depends on your friendship group and their circumstances.

I wouldn’t veto any of your options on finance grounds but I have a breastfed baby I have never left, and I wouldn’t stay overnight without him so at the moment I would only choose the London one (and maybe Southend but leaving early). But at other times in my life, I would have been fine with Spain and maybe even suggesting upping to 3 nights to make it feel worth the travel!

Bluebells1970 · 04/05/2023 13:10

It's not much fun to have 3 days abroad with the amount of time travelling/sitting around at airports each end.

I think hen/stag do's abroad is a bit old hat now.

YouAreNotBatman · 04/05/2023 13:15

Make whatever hen party you want.

Mr and Mrs Games
But for the love of Satan!
Not this!!

ChangingMyNameForThis1 · 04/05/2023 13:16

Ask your mates separately & privately - there's always loads of enthusiasm initially but then reality bites and it might be they can't make it work for loads of different reasons - money, childcare, 7 other weddings that year.
So ask them what they think of your plans and then ask them again a few weeks later - you might have different responses 2nd time round.

I have 2 DC at school so AL is precious for that reason it would be UK based for me but this will dependent on what stage of life your mates are at.

Look at AirBnB as well

Snugglemonkey · 04/05/2023 13:19

I think it is too late for a hen abroad tbh.

KarmaStar · 04/05/2023 13:19
Makeup Wow GIF by MOODMAN

I would do a group message with all that you have researched(as above) and ask for response s .but please get money upfront as people always pull out and leave the party short.
Have a great time!
(Non of my business,but a free bar at wedding...People order drinks they are too right to buy themselves and take the pi**.A complete waste of your hard earned money op.🌈.can you change it to first drink free?🌻)

KarmaStar · 04/05/2023 13:20

Ps not sure where that became from!

MummBRaaarrrTheEverLeaking · 04/05/2023 13:44

Oh gosh OP, this is MN, unless you have your hen in your local pub, if you absolutely must make a fuss that is, with absolutely no inconvenience or cost to anyone you won't be doing it right 😂

Kidding aside, they all sound like nice options, and nothing wrong with being made a fuss of!

Mine was semi local, done through a package co because everyone I would have asked to organise turned me down because they were going through their own issues, nothing too major; but I had to ask a relative who even then wasn't sure about it. I love organising nice trips for people with personal touches, and it did hurt a bit that when it was my turn it seemed like no one could be arsed. I did book an additional activity myself a couple of weeks before the wedding with a smaller group, and that was lovely.

I wish I'd done it all myself really, so definitely speak up for what you would like!

friendlycat · 04/05/2023 13:47

I also think it’s too late to change your mind and ask for people to pay for a hen do abroad. They will have summer holiday commitments and allocated May, June and July salaries to their own holidays. Also annual leave.

Realistcally a hen do abroad needs planning both in terms of logistics and financial planning. I don’t think this is something you should spring upon people with such a limited timescale.

Twisyturn · 04/05/2023 13:50

Leypt1 · 04/05/2023 12:26

Hello,

I'm getting married in September! And organising my hen do is harder than I thought it would be.

I'd originally thought I'd be happy with a night out in my hometown, on the basis that I didn't want to put anyone out.

My mind started to change for the following reasons:
-My OH wants to go abroad (tbf, to a cheap city in eastern europe) for his.
-I went to a friend's hen recently - 2 nights in an air bnb in the UK. It cost £250pp (excluding a meal out) which I initially found shocking! But then I went and it was amazing and lovely, and got me thinking how nice it would be to allow myself to be celebrated like that.

I realised that the main reason I'd been insistent on hometown was purely because I didn't want to put others out...but I'm only getting married once! (I hope)
It's been a tiring old year and honestly I would love, love, to spend a weekend with my friends cooking, sitting around a pool and playing Mr and Mrs Games.

So my question is - what is reasonable to ask people to spend?

I've done some research and here's 5 options sorted by cost (all in - accommodation, travel, activities, est. cost of food, drinks, etc.):

-3 days/2 nights in a private villa with pool in spain. Self catered and I'm happy with sticking to games, hiking, cooking, swimming, drinking etc. Would require 1 day of A/L. All in £360pp. Sadly this is my preferred option.

-3 days/2 nights across 3 rooms in an aparthotel in spain. Semi-self catered but not really good kitchen or living room facilities. Would require 1 day of A/L. Est. all in £300pp

-3 days/2 nights in a private villa with pool in spain. Self catered similar to option 1. Would require 2 days of A/L. All in £250pp. I'd be happy to take A/L but not sure about others.

-2 days/1 night in a hotel in Southend + theme park and night out. No A/L required. Est. all in £200pp

-A day in in London. Picnic, self-directed scavenger/spy trail thing, dinner in a BYOB restaurant, 3 hours of private karaoke. Est. all in £100pp.

When is the hen night?

Adventure island will be rammed in July/august and full of kids. How old are you and your friends?

I’d go for any other option than Southend.

ItsCalledAConversation · 04/05/2023 13:52

How many are you inviting? Can you do the town night out for the “masses” and just 3 or 4 of you go for the Spanish villa?

BlackPhillipsCheese · 04/05/2023 14:00

I think it's far too short notice to want to go abroad for 3 nights.

At this point in the year people will have booked holidays and planned their annual leave.

If this was planned in my group of friends now I'd probably have to say no.

Also, I don't really see the point of travelling to Spain for such a short amount of time if you're going to be cooking for yourselves and not going out to any bars or restaurants. You may as well go to an Airbnb in the uk for that. The only benefit is the weather.

Tbh I think it's just too short notice for people to save and plan this, considering you'd initially said a night out locally.

friendlycat · 04/05/2023 14:07

With such short notice you have done a complete 360 degree change of mind from one extreme to the other. Cheap local night out to now considering a villa in Spain. With the best will in the world this surely isn’t going to be that well received by your hen group.

You asked your chief organiser to test out the water and already have a response about you reconsidering back to home option. Surely this is your answer.

Original poster
Leypt1 · 04/05/2023 14:19

KarmaStar · 04/05/2023 13:19

I would do a group message with all that you have researched(as above) and ask for response s .but please get money upfront as people always pull out and leave the party short.
Have a great time!
(Non of my business,but a free bar at wedding...People order drinks they are too right to buy themselves and take the pi**.A complete waste of your hard earned money op.🌈.can you change it to first drink free?🌻)

re. the wedding drinks - it's just going to be a load of booze from costco! The beauty of dry hire

OP posts:
ViscountessBridgerton · 04/05/2023 14:32

I think it's too much money, too short notice, and too much A/L to do the abroad options.

But I'm old(er) & grumpy so 🤷‍♀️

Weddingpuzzle · 04/05/2023 14:35

I have just had my hen do (last Fri) in my local city. It involved a return train fare, we went to 3 bars, those who wanted to eat got some small plates and everyone had a few drinks and talked and talked . No games, no environmental disaster hats or sashes, no enforced fun, no tension or falling out. People arrived and left when they wanted. I put together the group chat and invited who I wanted, told them the date and time and bar to meet in. We danced and laughed our heads off and every person said they enjoyed how relaxed and simple it was and there was 14 of us. No drama or stress and everyone got to enjoy the BH weekend their way.

I don't think you should get tearful about your original plan - maybe do the local thing for a big group of you and then have the 'away' hen with just your bridesmaids? Surely it is unnecessary stress and pressure this late in the game?

Ponderingwindow · 04/05/2023 14:41

Also what type of sleeping and bathroom situation do people get for their money? Is someone going to end up sleeping on the sofa? Are there 8 people sharing 1 bathroom? Are people rooming with others they may not know well or does everyone have their own space?

comfort factors into decision-making when deciding how to spend money.

Rainbowshine · 04/05/2023 14:43

It’s too late to change the goalposts that much now. People will think you’re being a bridezilla and will be more likely to drop out. The location is just a backdrop to having a good time with your friends. Some might not be able to book the time off or arrange childcare or come and go more flexibly which is the benefit of being close by. I have a friend who has to go to Europe for work a lot and couldn’t spare the days out of the quota for a group holiday (thanks Brexit). Passports, insurance etc it just adds more obstacles and reasons for people to not come.

Hotpinkparade · 04/05/2023 14:49

If you were my close friend I’d be happy to celebrate you, with the added benefit of enjoying the sunshine and spending time with other friends. If you’re only inviting a core group of good friends and family, and everyone is financially stable, I don’t think £300 or so is unreasonable. If you think someone might struggle to pay and you’re able, you could always offer privately to top up their contribution. Go for it!

Skybluepinky · 04/05/2023 14:50

Strange u expect bridesmaids to pay toward their outfits, never known that b4.

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