Hen party woes

[Leypt1]

Hello,

I'm getting married in September! And organising my hen do is harder than I thought it would be.

I'd originally thought I'd be happy with a night out in my hometown, on the basis that I didn't want to put anyone out.

My mind started to change for the following reasons:
-My OH wants to go abroad (tbf, to a cheap city in eastern europe) for his.
-I went to a friend's hen recently - 2 nights in an air bnb in the UK. It cost £250pp (excluding a meal out) which I initially found shocking! But then I went and it was amazing and lovely, and got me thinking how nice it would be to allow myself to be celebrated like that.

I realised that the main reason I'd been insistent on hometown was purely because I didn't want to put others out...but I'm only getting married once! (I hope)
It's been a tiring old year and honestly I would love, love, to spend a weekend with my friends cooking, sitting around a pool and playing Mr and Mrs Games.

So my question is - what is reasonable to ask people to spend?

I've done some research and here's 5 options sorted by cost (all in - accommodation, travel, activities, est. cost of food, drinks, etc.):

-3 days/2 nights in a private villa with pool in spain. Self catered and I'm happy with sticking to games, hiking, cooking, swimming, drinking etc. Would require 1 day of A/L. All in £360pp. Sadly this is my preferred option.

-3 days/2 nights across 3 rooms in an aparthotel in spain. Semi-self catered but not really good kitchen or living room facilities. Would require 1 day of A/L. Est. all in £300pp

-3 days/2 nights in a private villa with pool in spain. Self catered similar to option 1. Would require 2 days of A/L. All in £250pp. I'd be happy to take A/L but not sure about others.

-2 days/1 night in a hotel in Southend + theme park and night out. No A/L required. Est. all in £200pp

-A day in in London. Picnic, self-directed scavenger/spy trail thing, dinner in a BYOB restaurant, 3 hours of private karaoke. Est. all in £100pp.

You could get an amazing at home trip for that money also. Or you could consider flights to Ireland/Scotland etc for something different but really cheap flights and opening your options

Honestly I can’t even get my head round this. Read your own post back and how deeply unpleasant it is and think about how embarrassing it is for you to be slagging others off.

Right, I haven’t read the full thread, but I have been a bridesmaid 4 times so please know: organising a hen-do is a MASSIVE ball-ache, even without going abroad, and without a bride who is liable to getting ‘teary’ about it.

Please, please, please, if you are delegating this to your bridesmaids, allow them to plan what they and the friendship group want, and can afford. If you are going to be precious about it, for God’s sake plan it yourself.

IMO, the decent thing to do would be to book your own holiday to Spain with a couple of besties another time. The honeymoon is the holiday where you celebrate your marriage, not the hen-do.

Finally, and this is my pet peeve, please tell your bridesmaids that on no account should the cost of your weekend be split between the party. You should be paying your share (ESPECIALLY if you are dictating where you go and what you do).

Hope you have a nice time!

I thought your comment was harsh but then I went back and read your the OPs recent up dates. Only willing to spend £50 towards bridesmaids outfits but wants them to spend hundred at a few months notices on her hen weekend on top if all the other wedding extras they need to pay for. It’s a shame she was rude to people giving up time to offer her advice but looking at how she is treating her friends I’m not surprised this is how she is treating strangers.

I’m hoping that the city status will improve the town, can’t get any worse can it?

I went shopping in Chelmsford the other day for the first time and what a bloody difference.

@Twisyturn I just find walking along the high street depressing! I loved Southend when I was a kid, it's just a hovel now. Rayleigh is ok but not a great range of shops. We only got city status because of what happened to David Ames, I doubt anything will be done to improve it.

Chelmsford is lovely, much nicer than Southend that's for sure.

I think it completely depends on your friends and their budgets. Just don’t take it personally if they don’t want to go. Maybe ask the ones you really want to come what their budget would be?

I'm not usually that abrupt @Iminthemoneylife, but the OP has had some really good feedback here, that could stop her potentially ruining a friendship with her hens, and she told everyone to fuck off!

I agree with you. I would quite like to know what her friends really think about this plan.

It depends on how well off your friends are. I have some friends who would struggle to find £50 for a jolly, and others who would be fine with paying £500 for a few days away. Annual leave wouldn't be such an issue unless there were childcare issues. But you know your friends, speak to them individually to make sure that everyone who is important to you can attend.

Hey @Leypt1

With kindness, avoid the AIBU board if you want softer responses.

On the plus side, given the immediate responses of your chief organisers, I think they already have lovely plans for your hen do. Hope you have a lovely time

Wow how rude are you! 😳 I thought you came across as reasonably pleasant in your first post. I have read up to hear and didn’t see that any posters warranted a “fuck you”. At worst I have seen people point out that it is very short notice for you to expect people to go overseas and use up their annual leave. And all to “celebrate” you (never heard anyone refer to their hen night in such a dick-ish sense btw). All the clues are that your party want to do something local but you keep ignoring it because you are so incredibly full of yourself. And if you do manage to get your overseas trip, I expect it will be with some resentment, not that I expect you to give a hoot.

*here

Everything is more expensive at the moment and you need to factor that in when thinking about what's reasonable to ask of people.

Also, often with this kind of thing you will have a few months to save and plan so suddenly asking people for £360 at short notice plus whatever sundry costs are involved (transport to and from, clothes for a trip away, insurance, annual leave, spends for three days etc) may result in some of them pulling out. Are you ok with that if it happens?

If you've given a specific steer to friends who will, presumably, have spent a lot of time already thinking and planning then telling them you want something totally different now is a bit of a kick in the teeth for them. You'll need to be very careful in how you raise it with them.

Personally I don't like forced fun and Mr & Mrs games fall very much into that category. Are they all in relationships?

When is your next 'significant' birthday? Could you maybe plan something more extravagant with them for a weekend away then?

I think YABU.
would you rather have fun with your friends? Or only the ones that have the time and the money?
My hen do was in a static caravan, out of season in Clacton on Sea. It was hilarious, we had so much fun playing silly games, eating cakes and painting nails etc.
It cost almost nothing and was a total dive. But the people I was with made it golden.

Being a bridezilla is not a nice personality trait op.and expecting people to fork out hundreds of dollars for a hens is beyond me. Especially if you say you have no budget for hair and make up for them, have 50pounds to spend on an indian bridesmade outfit (seriously?) And a pay it yourself bar. sorry but that sounds wrong on too many levels.

you "weeping" after reading it means you probably feel in your heart that what pp's have said is true.

You getting married is NOT ABOUT HAVING A FANCY HENS
You getting married to the man of your dreams (at least I hope) is what its about.

Hens should be a few drinks with your friends in a bar laughing and dancing.

not going away to an abroad destination and have them spent money that they dont have and annual leave on you.

and 200+ invited?
That means distant cousins and acquaintances galore. Quantity over quality

weddings should be about love. And about looking forward to spend the rest of your life with the other person and have your dearest friends and family there're
Not some cousin you haven't seen in years (or haven't even met in real life before)

Sorry but yabu. And I am sure they groupschat with your friend have now made an additional chat group to vent and complain about you being a bridezilla. It could cost you friends op...

Hope your soon to be husband has a blast abroad on his overseas trip!
And I hope you have fun in ....well... London.

Hope your soon to be husband has a blast abroad on his overseas trip!
And I hope you have fun in ....well... London

Now that's just mean. You can make a point about the wedding and their love for each other being the most important thing without being nasty about it.

If getting married is not about FANCY HENS then it shouldn't be about fancy stags either should it? So why are you wishing him a great trip abroad then?

Haha I’m so glad I came back to see the OP say fuck toy to everyone who disagreed with her 😂

Have fun ‘weeping’ OP, that could have been avoided had you not pretended to be a down to earth and decent friend in the first place.

@Gymtastic Honestly I can’t even get my head round this. Read your own post back and how deeply unpleasant it is and think about how embarrassing it is for you to be slagging others off.

I can't agree, I'm not sure if you've misinterpreted the final paragraph of my post as directed at you, or if we're just very different people who will never agree.

@SparklyBlackKitten Eek that post misses the mark, you're lacking in cultural sensitivity and showing ignorance.

You decide which option you want and tell your friends this. If enough are interested then get the money off them before you book. That way you'll not be out of pocket if they change their mind. Have a brilliant time and enjoy! If not enough to book a villa then go for a nice hotel in whatever country you want and book rooms just for those who pay.

OP will be married by now.

In theory, you should have an inkling as to who will and won’t be up for an abroad trip- do any of them not regularly spend money on holidays? Do any work in schools where they can’t take leave term time? Do any have small children who they couldn’t leave for afew days? You may already know the answers to these for most friends.