Hen party woes

[Leypt1]

Hello,

I'm getting married in September! And organising my hen do is harder than I thought it would be.

I'd originally thought I'd be happy with a night out in my hometown, on the basis that I didn't want to put anyone out.

My mind started to change for the following reasons:
-My OH wants to go abroad (tbf, to a cheap city in eastern europe) for his.
-I went to a friend's hen recently - 2 nights in an air bnb in the UK. It cost £250pp (excluding a meal out) which I initially found shocking! But then I went and it was amazing and lovely, and got me thinking how nice it would be to allow myself to be celebrated like that.

I realised that the main reason I'd been insistent on hometown was purely because I didn't want to put others out...but I'm only getting married once! (I hope)
It's been a tiring old year and honestly I would love, love, to spend a weekend with my friends cooking, sitting around a pool and playing Mr and Mrs Games.

So my question is - what is reasonable to ask people to spend?

I've done some research and here's 5 options sorted by cost (all in - accommodation, travel, activities, est. cost of food, drinks, etc.):

-3 days/2 nights in a private villa with pool in spain. Self catered and I'm happy with sticking to games, hiking, cooking, swimming, drinking etc. Would require 1 day of A/L. All in £360pp. Sadly this is my preferred option.

-3 days/2 nights across 3 rooms in an aparthotel in spain. Semi-self catered but not really good kitchen or living room facilities. Would require 1 day of A/L. Est. all in £300pp

-3 days/2 nights in a private villa with pool in spain. Self catered similar to option 1. Would require 2 days of A/L. All in £250pp. I'd be happy to take A/L but not sure about others.

-2 days/1 night in a hotel in Southend + theme park and night out. No A/L required. Est. all in £200pp

-A day in in London. Picnic, self-directed scavenger/spy trail thing, dinner in a BYOB restaurant, 3 hours of private karaoke. Est. all in £100pp.

London is the best option though tbh I do agree with others that the wedding is the expensive part of the celebration already keep the hen cheap!

To celebrates the BRIDES upcoming wedding. To celebrate the BRIDES final days of freedom. The hen party is a party for THE BRIDE.
It's literally all about her. How are you confused about this?

Yeahhhh, I know!! I do trust these ladies and they've both shown immense capacity for organising really lovely and thoughtful activities (for me and in a group). It's why I chose them! (Well, one of them volunteered tbf)

I think I was a bit taken aback when they shut down going away so quickly and firmly but if it does come to London then I have no doubt that it'll be lovely..

This was meant to say lovely xx, somehow the "..."comes across as sarcastic

Anyway I really am out now!! My OH read the thread when he found me weeping and has counselled me against asking Mumsnet for help in the future. Bye everyone and thanks again!!

Why are you weeping?
You get a hen do with your lovely friends, and you get to marry the love of your life.

Have a quick word with yourself, your value is not based on whether your friends are willing and able to afford the hen you really would quite like having thought about it for five minutes - your value is the person you are, the actions you take throughout your life and the love that people have for you. And I bet you are loved and cared for and appreciated in most of the important ways. All the other stuff is just organising and it is a total myth that weddings are all about the bride and grooms wishes - people will be a complete nightmare throughout the whole organising process, so significantly lower your expectations of them and you will enjoy it more!
I hope you have a fabulous time with your friends and family.

OP it is very obvious the group do not wish to go abroad from the comment below.

'So I suggested it to them along with a budget of £250pp but they're struggling to find anything and have asked how I feel about staying home'

I never had a 'hen' and had a wedding with 2 witnesses. I would be horrified at the idea of people spending 50 euro on me , let alone 360 euro/pounds !!

And it's not because I don't have lovely friends and great people in my life, just that I know people prioritise spending large sums like this on their immediate family as opposed to 'celebrating' someone else.

Just lower your expectations, it does not mean you are loved any less and have a nice hen/wedding.

Sorry, I think youve left it too late for a weekend away. Id want at least 9/10 months notice for a trip away.
I would be fine with train and hotel for a night at short notice though

😂 love this

God...get over yourself. You started the thread quite thoughtfully, despite the batshit-ness of what you're suggesting...and you've ended it by being very rude!
For what it's worth, too short notice for me to come and definitely wouldn't with the attitude you've shown in your most recent posts! I expect the group chat is going wild about how unreasonable you're being to suggest this so close to the date. Absolutely mental.

Ironic given how rude your comment was too

@shammalammadingdong great username!
Why not just tell your friends etc what you are thinking and ask for honest comments?

IMO, ^this. Do a Doodle poll. Find out how much your least well off friend is able to pay to go first and remove any option that is above that before you poll.

Good lord.

That's you though. And your apparent inability to plan.

I'm going away for 2 nights next weekend. It's almost 3 full days due to an early flight out and a late flight back.
*
Shammalammadingdong* thats
unnecessarily rude and nothing to do with any ability to plan. Anyways it's STILL ONLY ONE FULL DAY! 😂

Not Southend - dear god.

If you offer a UK beachside go somewhere nice!

I went to my mates hen do in the UK for 3 nights, it cost about £650 when all the travel/ air bnb/ activities/ kitty etc were paid. Would much rather have gone abroad!
She was trying to keep it cheap for us all by staying in the UK...
I had to use 2 days a/l & I'm self employed so it cost me well over a grand in the end!

I bet she’s a big zilla. Who ends up weeping over a disagreement over hen dos 😅

I could not find a way of telling her that I could hardly pay the £500 on the fancy five star hotel she'd found half way across the country.

Surely that's on you and your communication style/hang-ups though?

All this would be a lot easier and result in many fewer angsty threads and fallings-out pre- and post-hen (or whatever other event) if people communicated clearly, in both directions, without being poised to get offended.

@Leypt1 Having read most of the thread now, OP I think you sound quite a considerate bride, albeit also a bit unrealistic at short notice, and yes some people were quite terse with you or disagreed with your views and how you put them. But it's a bit much that you are crying over it when most answers were constructive. And AIBU is a place for quite robust debate around a topic, whereas if you want less blunt opinions, a bridal forum might be better.

May I humbly suggest that hen and wedding planning are getting a bit on top of you and that it might be a good idea to ask your friends to plan something simple and fun in the UK that is unlikely to go wrong, for your hen, and take some time away from wedding planning for a few days.? I mean this in a nice way.

@Gymtastic My understanding , and also I think the one normally accepted, is it is to celebrate the up and coming wedding and celebrating the final days of freedom

Personally I find this take on hen parties (and stag dos) a bit unpleasant. Nobody's losing their freedom, very little is actually going to change for most modern couples who generally already have a house and sometimes kids together. I think that's why hen parties have generally evolved into being about the bride. And celebrating the upcoming wedding, I agree with that.

@FoodieToo I never had a 'hen' and had a wedding with 2 witnesses. I would be horrified at the idea of people spending 50 euro on me , let alone 360 euro/pounds

Okay but that's you? That sounds miserable to me. Genuine question, do you not feel you've missed out/begrudge attending other people's big hens and weddings and forking out for them? It's a bit of a social contract, i guess it depends on the circles you move in but it's totally normal for a lot of people to spend that on each other, and in return get it spent on them for their turn. A tiny wedding and no hen isn't the norm.

Wedding threads always get nasty. Take a long hard look at yourselves for the nasty comments, e.g. Bridezilla. Grow up

I think a lot of the difference comes between those who married younger and then are the ones currently parenting when their friends start getting married whole child free still thinking everyone has annual leave they can just use whenever and that £300-£500 is whatever. Where as for a lot of people once you’ve got children they feel it’s better spent else where.

I think you are a bit cheeky to request that people to take annual leave for your hen in a couple of months.

Unless you were my sister or one of my closest friends I wouldn’t take leave for a hen and I would be especially pissed about being asked to this year when all my holiday is planned out.

Luckily I can take it when I want, so no restrictions there, but I have plans already for all my days

@Leypt1 sorry you've had some horrible messages. I think it's perfectly reasonable to want to go away and great to give people options. Some don't and just expect people to pay. I think you've handled all this very well, aside from perhaps having changed your mind so not been clear in the first place. But changing your mind is hardly a crime.

My friend originally wanted to go away for her hen but others didn't want to due to children etc. We ended up organising a fabulous day for her in London (her hometown) that she loved. So hopefully however it goes you will have a great time. Good luck!

Why don't you ask people their budget and go from there

@Leypt1 I don't think your original post was unreasonable, lots of options and I don't think it's completely out of the ordinary for hen weekends abroad costing the sums you have suggested. Glad you've had some constructive advice as well as the bizarre comments that were clearly just posted to be bitchy.