AIBU to “cancel” my friend coming to help post birth?

[AwkwardArmadillo]

I’m 33 weeks pregnant, likely to give birth via c section around 34-36wk (most likely 35) due to a combo of medical reasons which I won’t get fully into, but rather than a standard c-section, it’ll be an up and down cut (open laparotomy) potentially including a hysterectomy and other procedures.

Recovery is going to be tough and potentially include a substantial hospital stay for me. I hoped to get further along than 35ish weeks but for various reasons including a decline in my health, it won’t be possible.

this is my first and (obviously) likely only child.

I have a friend who lives a substantial distance away (flight needed).
While I do have strong local support, my friend offered to come to stay to help me with recovery and the new baby.

Around 16/17 weeks I was considering it and said I’d let her know. We remained in regular contact, but unfortunately, this clearly sounded like a “yes” to her and it became clear she assumed that’s what I meant. I have repeatedly said “we’ll see, and I’m not sure it’s a good idea” but she seems to want to argue it with me and I’ve not had the strength.

this pregnancy has been brutal, if I’m honest, with over 20 hospital admissions and multiple late nights at A+E plus a fair share of mental health struggles, I should’ve been more direct but I did express my concerns to her. I do admit my fault for not putting my foot down. There are many reasons I’ve turned off of the idea, and I’ll include her rebuttals. example:

friend has a 7yr old child. Obviously, the child would come with her. I don’t necessarily feel comfortable hosting a boisterous child, especially while dealing with a potentially difficult recovery road.

friend says “We’d have our own space, we’ll stay out of your way when you need a breather.” (I have a spare room).

I did also say there may be things related to my recovery that are messy, difficult, uncomfortable and she may not want her DC present to witness it. It’ll also be a nightmare for her DC if I have an extended stay in hospital IMHO.
friend says “If needed, DC can be left with a sitter.” But I know the expense for that would be mine to bear (explained further below).

friend has a low income, meaning I will be left footing the bill for her flights, travel, etc.

She knows I can technically afford it, but I’m trying really hard to save money/not touch savings because I’m taking substantial time off of work (and I’m self employed so mat pay etc is limited).
when I mention cost is an issue, suddenly she offers to pay half or “try to get a credit card” (for various reasons I doubt that would work).

I had a scare a few days ago (light bleeding, monitoring session in hospital), now she’s more insistent than ever, to the point where she’s disregarding that I don’t have time to accommodate her, settle her + her child in, travel several hours each way to do airport pick up, etc.

I know she can sense my hesitancy because recently all she wants to talk about is how “difficult” things are at home (she’s in her 30s but lives with her family, whereas I live alone) and how she “can’t wait for a break”. She’s also mentioned how “excited” her DS is to come. It’s becoming very clear to me that it’s less about helping me and more about helping herself, but I don’t see a way of navigating out of this while retaining our previously very lovely friendship of several years.

aibu to cancel this? And WIBU to ask MN for some advice as to how to go about it? I’ve been running around like a blue arsed fly putting my business into rest mode, so to speak, and making sure everything is ready for the baby. But I need to address this soon. Help?

You do need to find a way of telling her she just can't come, making it clear you've got family around you and they've said they'll be there to support you. Also, you want to enjoy the times you can on your own with your new DB.

If she's still not listening, don't engage too much with her how you're doing and give her dates for going in. Again, when DB is born doesn't give her dates for coming home. If she's then on about booking a flight, then again tell her 'no' you've made arrangements and are not willing to put her out. Maybe she is a true friend in that she's selfishly trying to help you, but a true friends listens and knows she to step back.

So sorry that you’ve had cancer.
I do have people who can visit daily, at least for a few hours, siblings, aunt, 3 very close local friends and my mother (not elderly and very healthy) is recently retired and perfectly willing to be there morning until night when needed.

I do also know about other options such as night nurse/nanny for the baby, or a care assistant for myself/both of us. It’s not out of budget for me to do that for a couple months I just want to see quite how “bad” I get before putting that in place (there are agencies nearby that can get that sorted in days - hope it wouldn’t be necessary).

Oh op I’m really sorry you are having to deal with this alongside all of your pregnancy stress.

I think you might have to re-frame your mindset around her being a friend. This is someone who has sensed a vulnerability and is now hell bent on exploiting it, despite any negative feelings or worries you may have about it. That is definitely not friendly behaviour! Especially given your pregnancy related health issues atm.

I despair sometimes how people reach adulthood with so little sensitivity or self awareness.

[Friend’s name]. Urgent message! Please note my medical situation has now changed. Thanks for offer of support but I no longer require help post birth and cannot accommodate you or your daughter because I will have trained agency nurses here so there won’t be room. Please cancel your plans to come. I cannot cope with anything more on my plate right now. I know you will understand.

I got to the bit about the 7 year old child and thought absolutely no way. The last thing you'll want is another kid whos not yours while you're recovering.

My advice is say no. Firmly. Clearly. Hopefully she will be arsey with you so you are confident she has got the message. Dont say "its not a good idea because..", you need to articulate a decision like "I am now expecting to be in hospital and it is tremendously stressful for me. I have decided that I need my own space at this time. I would love to visit you when i have come through this and he baby or older so that we can enjoy some time together - which will be nicer for us all."

No flights are booked, there is time to fix this. Do it today and you will feel instantly relieved.

You only get this time once and it's better to regret losing a friend than coping with her on top of everything else. It is 100% the right decision.

It sounds like you are having a rotten old time of it and i wish you well xx

You’ll have to stand firm and say no. Otherwise tell her you are moving in with family for a bit, and don’t want guests. It’s ok to say no to funding and hosting someone else’s holiday when you have just had a baby! Say no!

To be clear, the reason why she’s pushing so much right now is because she wants me to do it now, as in, as early as this coming weekend. i.e before I give birth.
Which, even if I wanted her over, would be a nightmare because I’m exhausted, need to finish preparing etc. my hospital bag has been repacked 8 times this week 😂

sorry for anyone I’m missing I’m trying to get through the comments but without repeating myself endlessly.

I would not be too wish washy with your message. Any sign of a doubt, then your friend will pick on that and make sure she can be the solution. It will have to be a clear ‘no’, I’ll send you a photo when I can and for the foreseeable future you have all the help that you need.
If it was just your friend that would be different, but to have a 7 year old around as well, they will just treat it as a holiday and it will drive you mad.
Good luck

I wouldn’t say you are moving in with family else she’ll seize on the idea of a free holiday, cleaning your empty home for when you return.

It's not a betrayal. Real friends don't ignore the obvious signs that someone doesn't want something (in this case the visit "to help") and keep pushing regardless to get their way. Someone being too polite to be firm in the face of such behaviour is not betraying anyone when they finally reach their limit and are forced to be direct.

Are you still with the baby's father? Is he supporting?

Any help is invaluable but it does sound like she's in it for a holiday. Can they come and stay in a Travelodge for a few days?

Jesus OP I cannot think of anything worse than having guests after having a baby let alone all the other stuff you’re going to go through (hysterectomy etc). That’s what they will be, guests. Do not expose yourself to that stress. DONT DO IT!

Im glad you have ‘siblings, aunt, 3 very close local friends and my mother’. That sounds like a great network of support. Couldn’t one of those tell this ‘friend’ to bugger off? If it was me I’d tell my mum to tell her it’s not happening. DO NOT have her come, I can’t believe people are suggesting it! And at your expense! Sounds like a nightmare waiting to happen. You have enough people around you and you already feel she is/is going to start taking the piss.

Just don’t buy her tickets.

You’re right in that I can’t keep being wishy washy. Brick-level direct. I agree it would be different and possibly a good idea if not for her child (I’m sure I sound awful) but the fact is I can’t imagine it’ll be any good for me or her DS.

7 is very young to get traipsed around a hospital - especially as I don’t know how long I’ll be in (really depends how I recover) and if my recovery is complex/difficult, I’d even say it’s possibly traumatic for him to witness parts of it.

Oh boy. You need to be really clear with her, no half protests/ambiguity, so a very clear statement eg my mum is moving in with me, I do not need any other support, plans have changed, you cannot now come (mum will be in your spare room etc)

There's nothing worse than someone coming to 'help' but then being a hindrance. My bridesmaid turned up to stay with me the night before my wedding when I had a youngish baby and honestly I spent all my time looking after her and the baby, making drinks and meals etc. I'm still a bit resentful as it made things worse and more tiring.

I think that would be the same here. Your friend sounds very needy and it sounds like she couldn't help making the trip all about her and her needs. This is at a time when you need to wholly focus on yourself. I agree with the pp that your money would much better be spent on a private maternity nurse or mother's help. She can come and stay a couple of months in when she probably really could be helpful.

It sounds as if she is relying on your to buy her ticket which works in your favour.

You do need to be direct. But it's one message or phone call, just do it. While you're saying no to her you're saying yes to a peaceful house after the birth and bonding time with your baby, supported by health care professionals, and your money only being put towards your new family.

She is being very pushy and if she's had a baby herself she knows full well what a vulnerable time it is.

You need to be pushy back.

She thinks you are an Airbnb host doesn't she? Without the payment!
Just tell her sorry you aren't up to visitors..
She is a massive cf and not a friend at all.

At the end of the day, she can't force you to give her money/buy plane tickets - that would be an active thing that YOU would have to do to make it work, so obviously you just don't this and then she can't come anyway. I get that she's probably hounding you about it, but ultimately she can hound you all she likes, as long as you don't buy her those tickets she isn't coming.

I doubt she'll even be able to bring her son to hospital. I wasn't allowed any children visiting when I was recovering from a CS.

Unfortunately with people like this you have to be blunt to the point of rudeness. That's their tactic; to make it impossible for you to decline politely, in the hope that you won't be willing to be as direct as required to put an end to their demands. It's the same thing that pushy salespeople do.

I doubt there's really any way to resolve this nicely because that's the situation your "friend" has deliberately created. So you need to pick your poison. It's either

A. CF comes to stay with boisterous and bored 7 year old, invading your personal space, continuing to steamroller you in your own home by not reading your cues, not helping in the ways you want, not removing the child when they're too much, making mess and noise, treating it like a holiday, not leaving when agreed etc 2 months of this! Whilst you deal with the physical and emotional aftermath of potentially life-changing surgery and get to grips with the baby. This may be your only child. The first few weeks are often magical, but not under these circumstances.

B. You send a very direct message telling her there is not going to be a visit. Worst case, she sends you a shitty message back. You block her and don't hear from her again. Feel a bit sad that you've lost a friend but when you reflect on it later I'm sure you'll see that she was really no sort of friend at all to cause you this level of stress at such a difficult time purely for her personal gain.

It's a no brainer really

And if you have a mum nearby who is willing to be there morning and night why on earth would you even entertain this. Seriously, send the message and shut it down today, it's not worth the headspace!

word it so you are just following instructions - things have changed medically (true, you are a week further into pregnancy) obstetrician, midwife and GP have advised you to rest (true, or it would be if you asked them, that’s standard for late pregnancy) and you are getting your head around needing trained and experienced support once baby is here (true, and standard for all new mums) but you have been advised to prepare for a lengthy hospital stay and possibly live in care after that (true, from mumsnet)

So sorry that your change in circumstances (seeing the light) means that she and her kid can’t come at this time but you’ll be in touch after things have settled (12th of Never if she kicks off)

You are sorry things won’t work out (true) but you have to prioritise health of you and baby (and only a batshit toxic friend would argue that)

send

put the telly on

feet up

cuppa and a hob nob

dont open replies

You sound like you are thoroughly prepared as you can be for post birth OP. Good luck to you and little one and with your message to your friend.

Forget about using her kid as an excuse. She is using your baby and your health as an excuse to get out of adulting and all of its responsibilities (you know, like educating her kid, etc…) She wants to move into your place, at your expense with her kid and you need to state VERY clearly that you are not the solution to all of her problems. (Which I am guessing are all self-caused.) She is not the sort to let logic or your best interests get in the way of her whims. Spell it out and USE SMALL WORDS. “Don’t come. You’re not moving in. It’s not appropriate.”

I can’t find the comment now, but someone mentioned HV’s can help set up home care/support. I didn’t actually know that and meet mine for the first time tomorrow. I’ll definitely ask what home support is available.