AIBU to “cancel” my friend coming to help post birth?

[AwkwardArmadillo]

I’m 33 weeks pregnant, likely to give birth via c section around 34-36wk (most likely 35) due to a combo of medical reasons which I won’t get fully into, but rather than a standard c-section, it’ll be an up and down cut (open laparotomy) potentially including a hysterectomy and other procedures.

Recovery is going to be tough and potentially include a substantial hospital stay for me. I hoped to get further along than 35ish weeks but for various reasons including a decline in my health, it won’t be possible.

this is my first and (obviously) likely only child.

I have a friend who lives a substantial distance away (flight needed).
While I do have strong local support, my friend offered to come to stay to help me with recovery and the new baby.

Around 16/17 weeks I was considering it and said I’d let her know. We remained in regular contact, but unfortunately, this clearly sounded like a “yes” to her and it became clear she assumed that’s what I meant. I have repeatedly said “we’ll see, and I’m not sure it’s a good idea” but she seems to want to argue it with me and I’ve not had the strength.

this pregnancy has been brutal, if I’m honest, with over 20 hospital admissions and multiple late nights at A+E plus a fair share of mental health struggles, I should’ve been more direct but I did express my concerns to her. I do admit my fault for not putting my foot down. There are many reasons I’ve turned off of the idea, and I’ll include her rebuttals. example:

friend has a 7yr old child. Obviously, the child would come with her. I don’t necessarily feel comfortable hosting a boisterous child, especially while dealing with a potentially difficult recovery road.

friend says “We’d have our own space, we’ll stay out of your way when you need a breather.” (I have a spare room).

I did also say there may be things related to my recovery that are messy, difficult, uncomfortable and she may not want her DC present to witness it. It’ll also be a nightmare for her DC if I have an extended stay in hospital IMHO.
friend says “If needed, DC can be left with a sitter.” But I know the expense for that would be mine to bear (explained further below).

friend has a low income, meaning I will be left footing the bill for her flights, travel, etc.

She knows I can technically afford it, but I’m trying really hard to save money/not touch savings because I’m taking substantial time off of work (and I’m self employed so mat pay etc is limited).
when I mention cost is an issue, suddenly she offers to pay half or “try to get a credit card” (for various reasons I doubt that would work).

I had a scare a few days ago (light bleeding, monitoring session in hospital), now she’s more insistent than ever, to the point where she’s disregarding that I don’t have time to accommodate her, settle her + her child in, travel several hours each way to do airport pick up, etc.

I know she can sense my hesitancy because recently all she wants to talk about is how “difficult” things are at home (she’s in her 30s but lives with her family, whereas I live alone) and how she “can’t wait for a break”. She’s also mentioned how “excited” her DS is to come. It’s becoming very clear to me that it’s less about helping me and more about helping herself, but I don’t see a way of navigating out of this while retaining our previously very lovely friendship of several years.

aibu to cancel this? And WIBU to ask MN for some advice as to how to go about it? I’ve been running around like a blue arsed fly putting my business into rest mode, so to speak, and making sure everything is ready for the baby. But I need to address this soon. Help?

my concern would be that her next move is to turn up with her child claiming she has no where to go, a doorstep confrontation would put op in a very difficult position.

Yep which is why I think OP truly needs to add the police threat in her next text to her. Because I have no doubt that she will come, and best to stop her now than deal with her at the door. If she's got a credit card she's probably booked the flights already.

The items have been returned now (this morning) albeit without “friend” responding, which is strange for many reasons (we used to speak so much but now haven’t talked much/at all really since the call and she’s actively ignoring me).

for anyone speculating as to the value, it looks to be about £65-£70 worth of stuff (based on the amounts in the invoices) which I agree is a lot to piss up the wall. I only checked that as I considered just transferring her the money, I know I’m a wet leaf, and just binning the lot and cutting ties.

Not that it’s my responsibility obviously. 🤦🏻‍♀️The billing stuff is in her name, only my name was used for the delivery bit, so I know she hasn’t fraudulently taken out anything in my name but tbh she’d lack most of the information to do so and doesn’t have access to my ID so I wasn’t concerned.

I don’t think she’d be brazen enough to just turn up but I can’t figure out why she’d have sent stuff otherwise apart from maybe a guilt trip.

Either way it’s all back to Amazon now. I did contact them too and they advised me to return everything to X place with the invoices and return labels included, but said they can’t necessarily stop anything else arriving “at this time”. I’m also intermittently not home right now, for reasons totally separate to this so really she’d have a nasty shock if she turned up😂

I truly doubt she’d get a credit card from anywhere but might be able to borrow a small amount from her family, I suppose. That or she wanted to guilt me with the “money she spent” (I am purely speculating here)

Are you going to send her a last text to end the friendship and warn her not to turn up, @AwkwardArmadillo ?

I only checked that as I considered just transferring her the money
@AwkwardArmadillo I think she knows that you have these impulses & because she's in a difficult situation/feels entitled (or whatever ) she can't help herself but exploit them
I wonder if she's attached herself to you particularly after this episode:
when she got pregnant by a shit partner I supported her as much as I could and we visited each other quite regularly, considering the distance, work and of course her being busy with her DS. I did support her in leaving him and returning to her own parents’ home
Obviously what you did was very kind and supportive, but I have the impression that she's kind of imprinted on you after this and she sees you as her savior. I don't know if she's actively malicious or just very messed up and in a difficult situation with no where to turn, it's probably the latter.

Glad you have returned the stuff.
Hopefully it's the last you will hear from her.
I certainly wouldn't go contacting her or giving her any more up dates on your health or the birth of your baby.

Hope you are doing well, please try to enjoy these precious days, it's like the start of a roller coaster just before it goes. Your dying for it to start and forget to enjoy the moment.
Soak up the enjoyment of every movement, the excitement of what's coming.

I don’t want to speak to her at all, tbh, but I’m considering sending one of the texts suggested here (adapted a bit). I wouldn’t threaten her with police as she would know it’s an empty threat anyway (I would never actually call the police on her), but I’d absolutely have her deposited at the nearest train station or airport.

I’m past feeling awkward now, which I did initially as I saw it was my own fault (partly) for not being direct enough. However, at this point, I’m just upset and angry, and upset with how our friendship has turned out.

i don’t think her intentions began maliciously at all. I think she’s having some difficulties with her parents (as in, butting heads), feeling cramped and stuck, seeing no way of moving out by herself in the near future and saw an opportunity to have a “break” or even something more permanent (I don’t discount the idea that she wanted to move in permanently, as suggested here, when I look back at some of our conversations about it).

I think she began with thinking she’d help the both of us but kept going even when I increasingly obviously (and finally directly) said no, because she wanted it so badly for herself and “helping” me was secondary. Nonetheless she’s been quite selfish and bullish with it. It’s still not an excuse, it’s not acceptable and probably killed our friendship, too. But I can see where her mental process started.

Sorry, I missed this question. It means Not Very Dear Sister.

I didn't know that! Where does this "friend" live?

YES! ITA!💯
@AwkwardArmadillo please make sure these were not ordered with your name and payment. Just ask Amazon if you were the purchaser, if it was sent as a gift or if it was just your addy being used. Then tell them they need to send someone to pick them up for return.

Then send a message to your friend that she has shown that she will not listen to you, you feel manipulated by her and that she is not invited to come, no matter what.

Best wishes for you and the wee one soon to be welcomed into the world! 💖

It says in the opening post substantial distance- flight needed.

Just caught up with the latest. I still think she might turn up with son on doorstep, using him as excuse to get in. Be wise to have neighbours on board as someone else said. A ring doorbell too, not too expensive.

To be honest if you already think the friendship is dead then I'd pull her up on the fact that you know she lied and the stuff was ordered the day after your conversation. Say you are not changing your mind (which she seems to think will happen, hence the order) and she's being selfish making unnecessary stress for you at this time.

Well done on taking a stand and returning the items. I’m glad you are being firm, and are quite prepared to take her straight to the nearest train station if she turns up at your doorstep. Stay firm - we’re all behind you.

Incedently, when was she due to turn up? Waiting (in-) patiently with popcorn to see if she appears.

@AwkwardArmadillo

Hopefully she won't turn up on your doorstep. I think her lack of communication with you after you returned her purchases sort of indicates that.

But just in case, if you don't already have one you may want to consider a Ring doorbell. That way you can 'preview' anyone at your door and simply not answer. I also think a Ring is great for homes with babies. No need to disturb the baby (or yourself) running to get the door. You can ignore or speak to whomever it is without actually going to the door.

Plus six hour driving round trip to the airport (that she expected a heavily pregnant lady with a risky pregnancy to do)

Hello again OP; thanks for the update. OMG I am shocked at her behaviour yet again; ordering those items AFTER you had told her!! Very manipulative.....Don't you dare transfer her any money!!! And keep sticking to your guns if she turns up (which could still happen)...... I'm glad you've got local support from family who can turn her away for you.

For a person who is experiencing a LOT of moving parts in their life I admire how level-headed you are OP.

I'd likely ignore whatever she comes up with next, or at least leave increasingly longer times between responses. It feels like your role in her life as support & saviour has passed and there's not much to do now but slowly ghost. I feel for her, her life sounds chaotic, but it's obviously not yours to carry any more.

Thanks @Nanaof1 she really isn’t a very dear sister. :-)

It broke my heart when you told your story. She could have been so much different by being careful, compassionate and mindful. You deserved that and much more.
I was once told this; "you can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can pick your wedgie; but you cannot pick your family." Sometimes, it's just sadly true.

Just caught up with your updates OP and wanted to say well done for staying so strong that can’t have been easy! Glad to see your Mum knows about ‘DF’ just in case so hopefully you can put it out your mind

You actually can pick your family. Maybe not your family of origin, but those you consider to be family. I have several people I consider to be my sisters; she is not one of them. :-)

I actually told the story so the OP could see what kind of damage a CF could do when professing to be there to help. My sister is pulling her usual bs. She is acting like the wronged party and will have her adult daughter hating me more than she already did. She says her daughter doesn’t like me because of everything I have done to her (my sister). Unfortunately, it’s all one sided. Her daughter has never asked me about anything. My sister is a lot like my mother was. Everyone does things to her. She never has a part. She has zero friends. Her daughter is the only one she talks to. They live in the same house. Even her grandchildren ignore her most of the time. Really sad.

She actually reminds me a lot of this friend in this thread. She said the OP had put her in a bad situation. She wasn’t listening and was only interested in what she wanted, not what the OP actually needed. Narcissistic people are so difficult to deal with. I truly hope this CF doesn’t try to show up on her doorstep. At least she has friends and family around to spin her around and give her a swift kick in the butt to help her on her way out of there.

Have you heard any more OP?
Hope you are ok..

Hope all went well with the birth, OP!