AIBU to “cancel” my friend coming to help post birth?

[AwkwardArmadillo]

I’m 33 weeks pregnant, likely to give birth via c section around 34-36wk (most likely 35) due to a combo of medical reasons which I won’t get fully into, but rather than a standard c-section, it’ll be an up and down cut (open laparotomy) potentially including a hysterectomy and other procedures.

Recovery is going to be tough and potentially include a substantial hospital stay for me. I hoped to get further along than 35ish weeks but for various reasons including a decline in my health, it won’t be possible.

this is my first and (obviously) likely only child.

I have a friend who lives a substantial distance away (flight needed).
While I do have strong local support, my friend offered to come to stay to help me with recovery and the new baby.

Around 16/17 weeks I was considering it and said I’d let her know. We remained in regular contact, but unfortunately, this clearly sounded like a “yes” to her and it became clear she assumed that’s what I meant. I have repeatedly said “we’ll see, and I’m not sure it’s a good idea” but she seems to want to argue it with me and I’ve not had the strength.

this pregnancy has been brutal, if I’m honest, with over 20 hospital admissions and multiple late nights at A+E plus a fair share of mental health struggles, I should’ve been more direct but I did express my concerns to her. I do admit my fault for not putting my foot down. There are many reasons I’ve turned off of the idea, and I’ll include her rebuttals. example:

friend has a 7yr old child. Obviously, the child would come with her. I don’t necessarily feel comfortable hosting a boisterous child, especially while dealing with a potentially difficult recovery road.

friend says “We’d have our own space, we’ll stay out of your way when you need a breather.” (I have a spare room).

I did also say there may be things related to my recovery that are messy, difficult, uncomfortable and she may not want her DC present to witness it. It’ll also be a nightmare for her DC if I have an extended stay in hospital IMHO.
friend says “If needed, DC can be left with a sitter.” But I know the expense for that would be mine to bear (explained further below).

friend has a low income, meaning I will be left footing the bill for her flights, travel, etc.

She knows I can technically afford it, but I’m trying really hard to save money/not touch savings because I’m taking substantial time off of work (and I’m self employed so mat pay etc is limited).
when I mention cost is an issue, suddenly she offers to pay half or “try to get a credit card” (for various reasons I doubt that would work).

I had a scare a few days ago (light bleeding, monitoring session in hospital), now she’s more insistent than ever, to the point where she’s disregarding that I don’t have time to accommodate her, settle her + her child in, travel several hours each way to do airport pick up, etc.

I know she can sense my hesitancy because recently all she wants to talk about is how “difficult” things are at home (she’s in her 30s but lives with her family, whereas I live alone) and how she “can’t wait for a break”. She’s also mentioned how “excited” her DS is to come. It’s becoming very clear to me that it’s less about helping me and more about helping herself, but I don’t see a way of navigating out of this while retaining our previously very lovely friendship of several years.

aibu to cancel this? And WIBU to ask MN for some advice as to how to go about it? I’ve been running around like a blue arsed fly putting my business into rest mode, so to speak, and making sure everything is ready for the baby. But I need to address this soon. Help?

I knew she'd put the waterworks on. Almost said it. Well done you. She's absolutely ridiculous.

Well done, OP. I'm very proud of you for standing up for yourself (and for your baby, for that matter).

Pushy, relentless, boundary demolishing "friend" who only wants "to help" turns on the pressure and the waterworks in a phone call when you lay down the clearest boundary imaginable, after she has rebutted all your previous attempts at deterring her from her unhelpful-to-you plans "to help"... and cries, and gaslights, and manipulates and blames you for "leaving her in this situation".

She has no shame. Thank god you spoke up and held your ground with her. I imagined her on a plane (could you just help me pay off my credit card, I did it for you!) this weekend.

She and her boisterous and unsuitable 7 year old were never coming for your good. I am so glad you have got this mess of manipulation out of the way, and will be able to spend your time (and money) more calmly and in a way that is actually helpful for you and the coming baby, and that allows for your recovery after surgery.

Your friend sounds bonkers and really no loss. In theory at least this visit was meant to be support for you, not a treat for her DD, so she has no right to bang on about her DD being disappointed. And the assumption that you would pay for everything was well into CF territory. If she is so offended that she ends the friendship, I would count that as a victory

Well done on telling her. I bet it's a relief to not have to worry about that anymore.

It sounds like your friend is in need of professional help to sort her own life out and make her own way for her and her child hence her not working much, on low income and not doing anything to better her situation.

Well done on telling her!
Im currently in hospital after my baby arrived too early and had an emergency C-section. My baby is in nicu and recovery has been a bit more brutal this time round, but manageable 💕 I agree that having a 7 year old in the mix is not great, my older children are struggling and it took them a good while to stop jumping around on my bed!

Exactly what I was about to say!
How awful of her to cry down the phone because she's been denied a free holiday.

You were her ticket out of whatever living mess she had got herself into. She wasn’t being honest with you and maybe not with other people either, telling them it was a done deal that she was leaving in a couple of weeks time. She probably told people she had a new job with accommodation thrown in and framed it all very positively as a fresh start. She got carried away with herself, deliberately not taking on board your constant concerns so that she could keep moving forward with this easy solution to her problems. Out of desperation, she pushed back, using her child to guilt trip you, until you finally had to put the phone down on her.
I’m glad it’s over for you OP. You needed courage to confront her at a difficult time but it was the right thing to do of course and common sense prevailed. She will probably bounce back in a few months time saying thank goodness she decided not to come as she found a much better job in the end that has worked brilliantly for her and her son.
Wishing you all the best with your health and your precious new baby.

✔💯

my good wishes and thoughts are with you op. Madd Hugs🌼

Well done for holding firm to good boundaries now. It's now clear that she is indeed a Grade A PeopleUser/CheekyFucker who was never trying to be "helpful" but instead was trying to ensure that her own needs get centred no matter what your needs are. You don't need her in your life at all, but if you choose not to cut all contact do at least keep her at arm's length in future.

How long have you know her OP? And had she ever given off any vibes like this before?

Your “friend” is so ridiculous with zero self awareness. Who moans and cries down a phone at a stressed out pregnant woman like that because you thought you could get a free holiday?

Anyone before you were more direct would clearly pick up that you weren’t sure about it.

I'm not surprised by her comments.

The point about you leaving her in this position - you could have said to her that you've haven't left her in any 'position' she is still free to travel but she would have to stay elsewhere as a holiday at it would 100% be at her own expense.

The fact that she isn't likely to do this shows that it was all about her and her wanting to be seen as a saviour to you in your post-natal position. It smacks a bit of another situation that I read on MN recently where one woman was living in a small enough village and the OP in that situation had undergone treatment for cancer and this 'friend' was 'helping' out the OP in that situation but as soon as the cancer was in remission, the 'friend' dropped the OP and was spreading malicious gossip about her. There are people like that out there. It seems that you found one of them.

Again, I just want to wish you all the best with the upcoming birth and recovery afterwards.

Well done OP!

Please take this opportunity to draw a line under this friendship and do not contact her again. She's made her intentions completely clear and is not a true friend. You've done nothing wrong so be kind to yourself and don't let her make you feel bad xx

Yep, this

Yea she’s planning to move in with you. Sounds like she’s decided you can create a nice new family together - two mums and two kids. At your expense
I was also thinking this
I think she's already decided that OP can be 'daddy' and earn the money, and she will be 'mummy' irresponsible mummy who pisses all the money up the wall and pretends to homeschool but in reality focuses on her child and neglects the other one
Or something like that.... in other words a complete s* show.
She does sound very strange and lacking self awareness 😳

No way not with an older kid. Tell her No.

The OP said NO yesterday evening. You can read her updates, all about it……

Well done on standing up to her. It's now 1 less thing to worry about.

I can just about entertain my 7yo with a tablet and snacks when I have a migraine. For a day. I cannot imagine how I would deal with weeks and weeks of DS being at home, with nothing to do, and being witness to (potentially) pain, blood, a newborn, rest, etc. No school, without his own toys and stuff, not his place, without his friends, with mum looking after someone else. I don't think your friend sees the whole picture and/or is just thinking about herself and her own desire to leave her place. If she could go alone, it's a different thing, but with a 7yo, who also needs to be looked after, cooked for, etc... Not feasible. I would not entertain the idea of going MONTHS to look after friend and her newborn with my DS. If there was no other support and being alone were more risky, of course. But OP has said she has family and friends nearby and can pay for extra help here and there.

Thinking about your position, I find it crazy. I could be bleeding and want to walk to the shower in my own house, or the only clothes that I find comfortable with the scar is a loose short nightie, or nothing!

My idea of a nightmare having someone staying with me when I'm at my most vulnerable state. I think you just need to be clear. Also having a child around you and a baby when both immune systems could be low isn't the best. This isn't a child you've lived with for years. It's a child who has recently travelled and could be carrying all sorts of germs or bugs.

This sounds just like my birth. Was in hospital for 10 days after. Last thing the midwife said to I was leaving was “helpful friends only”. Best advice I have ever been given. I stood all the drama queens down, sent my SIL home and managed with a couple of friends (who popped in from time to time) and my husband. If your instinct is to say no to her, then go ahead and do it. All births are eventful in their own way and we have little control over them. We do however have control over the people we choose to spend the days that follow. As crazy as it was it was still one of the best few weeks of my life. Just me, my baby and one or two people that I would literally trust with my life. Eat the pasta, cuddle the baby, watch tons of uplifting tv and as the saying goes this too will pass.

Wishing you all the best of luck for your delivery. As others have stated be clear and direct with your friend. Do you have other support around you for after the birth? I had an emergency C section amd am a lone parent. Shortly afterwards had a dear friend visit from overseas with her then two year old. I enjoyed seeing my friend but was not ready for hosting an active two year old at that time. We can be very wise in hindsight. Later on would have been much easier.

Hello! All through this I was wondering if you had accreta. I had it with my first. Fire any questions if you have them.

As others have said, you need to be crystal clear. She seems to be steam rolling you into something you defiantly do not want. Don't be too worried about hurting her feelings, she seems to have no regard for yours.

I've just had a hysterectomy, it's a big old operation and with a newborn to care for it will be that much harder. Obviously I'm sure you already know all of that, but please take it super easy. The exhaustion after a hysterectomy is the thing I have found the most difficult. Make sure you surround yourself with good support and people who can take bubba for you so you can rest. Best of luck with the baby and your recovery.