AIBU to “cancel” my friend coming to help post birth?

[AwkwardArmadillo]

I’m 33 weeks pregnant, likely to give birth via c section around 34-36wk (most likely 35) due to a combo of medical reasons which I won’t get fully into, but rather than a standard c-section, it’ll be an up and down cut (open laparotomy) potentially including a hysterectomy and other procedures.

Recovery is going to be tough and potentially include a substantial hospital stay for me. I hoped to get further along than 35ish weeks but for various reasons including a decline in my health, it won’t be possible.

this is my first and (obviously) likely only child.

I have a friend who lives a substantial distance away (flight needed).
While I do have strong local support, my friend offered to come to stay to help me with recovery and the new baby.

Around 16/17 weeks I was considering it and said I’d let her know. We remained in regular contact, but unfortunately, this clearly sounded like a “yes” to her and it became clear she assumed that’s what I meant. I have repeatedly said “we’ll see, and I’m not sure it’s a good idea” but she seems to want to argue it with me and I’ve not had the strength.

this pregnancy has been brutal, if I’m honest, with over 20 hospital admissions and multiple late nights at A+E plus a fair share of mental health struggles, I should’ve been more direct but I did express my concerns to her. I do admit my fault for not putting my foot down. There are many reasons I’ve turned off of the idea, and I’ll include her rebuttals. example:

friend has a 7yr old child. Obviously, the child would come with her. I don’t necessarily feel comfortable hosting a boisterous child, especially while dealing with a potentially difficult recovery road.

friend says “We’d have our own space, we’ll stay out of your way when you need a breather.” (I have a spare room).

I did also say there may be things related to my recovery that are messy, difficult, uncomfortable and she may not want her DC present to witness it. It’ll also be a nightmare for her DC if I have an extended stay in hospital IMHO.
friend says “If needed, DC can be left with a sitter.” But I know the expense for that would be mine to bear (explained further below).

friend has a low income, meaning I will be left footing the bill for her flights, travel, etc.

She knows I can technically afford it, but I’m trying really hard to save money/not touch savings because I’m taking substantial time off of work (and I’m self employed so mat pay etc is limited).
when I mention cost is an issue, suddenly she offers to pay half or “try to get a credit card” (for various reasons I doubt that would work).

I had a scare a few days ago (light bleeding, monitoring session in hospital), now she’s more insistent than ever, to the point where she’s disregarding that I don’t have time to accommodate her, settle her + her child in, travel several hours each way to do airport pick up, etc.

I know she can sense my hesitancy because recently all she wants to talk about is how “difficult” things are at home (she’s in her 30s but lives with her family, whereas I live alone) and how she “can’t wait for a break”. She’s also mentioned how “excited” her DS is to come. It’s becoming very clear to me that it’s less about helping me and more about helping herself, but I don’t see a way of navigating out of this while retaining our previously very lovely friendship of several years.

aibu to cancel this? And WIBU to ask MN for some advice as to how to go about it? I’ve been running around like a blue arsed fly putting my business into rest mode, so to speak, and making sure everything is ready for the baby. But I need to address this soon. Help?

I will tell you what recently happened to me in a similar situation. I just knew in my gut that I did not want my sister to come out. TLDR, it caused such a huge problem that we are likely estranged permanently. If you value your friendship, listen to your gut. Be very clear with a no.

I just had a complete right hip replacement. My sister kept saying she wanted to come stay with me. I really didn’t want her to, but I finally gave in. That became a nightmare. Even though she makes far more money than I do, she insisted I pay for the plane tickets. Within 30 minutes of getting home from the airport, there were issues. I stopped on the way home to get us something to eat. Once we were home, we sat down in the living room to eat. There was a plastic container with some kind of sauce in it. I kept telling her not to feed the dogs from her plate. She ignored me. I told her to move the plate away from my Great Dane. She didn’t listen. He got tired of waiting for a French fry and ate everything left on the plate, including the plastic cup with the sauce, in one huge gulp. Great Danes do that. She has had Dane’s, she should have known better. We tried to make him throw it up. He didn’t. We took him to an ER vet who tried to get him to throw it up. No luck. They did X-rays to figure out where it was. It was ready to enter his intestines. So that cost almost $900.

She had insisted she would clean up my house since it was a complete disaster with me being unable to keep up with more than dishes, laundry, and keeping the bathroom clean for several months, as she really enjoyed cleaning. She had been here only 1-1/2 days and came to my room in the morning crying saying she couldn’t handle it. Great. I started trying to clean stuff, even though I was in severe pain. She tried to stop me. I told her someone had to do it. This was Friday, my surgery was scheduled for Monday. I mostly didn’t talk to her after that. Then we had one more short conversation. I told her she might as well go back home, that she had only been here 1-1/2 days and I was already out over $1200 between airfare and vet bills. I then told her she would have to take a cab back to the airport. She said very nastily that she wasn’t taking a cab to the airport. I told her she was going to have to since I wasn’t driving her back. Not long after that she came out with her suitcase saying an Uber should be there. Oh, and she unfriended me on Facebook, no great loss there.

I watched her tickets to make sure she got off ok. She changed them to Sunday, then changed them again to Monday. I have no idea what she was doing hanging out for the weekend.

After surgery, I sent her a text thanking her for what she did while she was here and updating her on my surgery, no response.

Suffice it to say, our relationship most likely took a permanent hit. We have gone years without talking many times in the past, mostly because of her behaviors. She has her daughter hating me because she lies to her about what is going on. She is so much like our mother like that. Everyone is doing something to her; she takes no accountability for her part. She was doing the same thing that Friday, telling her daughter a bunch of lies.

I’m much better off without her chaos in my life anyway, so maybe it was a good thing this happened.

Say in a message "Hi Friend, I want to preface this by telling you how much I love the intention and the love you have shown me by offering to help me after my caeserean section . But I am so sorry I do not think you can come , as the physical process is too gruelling for a 7 year old child to witness, plus I would be too embarassed to share this process with a friend and feel it should only be close family and I know the operations brutual & i will not legitimately be able to host you, i will be in too much pain. Plus, I am trying to save money and whilst I wish I could offer to pay for you , I need to save that money for the future and for my child. I realise you may be disappointed and hurt, but i feel this is the best decision for me and my new family and is nothing to do with my love for you as my friend , and I will always be grateful to you for the willingness to even do that for me and thank you for it. "

Your friend is a CF. Not liking her much.
She's using you and your difficult situation for her own gain.
Course you don't want her and her son knocking about your house when you're on your ass.

You've 100% done the right thing. Good on you and good luck with everything. Hope it's not too bumpy a ride.

I hope all goes well with your remaining time and birth x

I would try to stay in hospital as long as you can bare to, and maybe mum can sleep over a few nights x

As for friend… I think I’d have been same as you and tried to be polite and subtle… some people just don’t get the hint.

I’d probably text in a week or so and say you’re sorry you weren’t clearer sooner but as it’s got nearer you’re getting overwhelmed and just know you’ll need your own space and time to settle into routine. I’d say you hope she’s ok and that maybe she could afford to come over for a week later in the year.. I wouldn’t be offering to pay for her travel…. That’s just crazy!…. You’d be better going out there later (much later) and staying in a B&B somewhere … at least that way you can catch up and leave after a week and not face the possibility of her out staying her welcome at yours

I agree your friend may not be the kind of support you want around. But don’t forget this is major surgery. I consider myself extremely resilient and capable but I would not have managed the first two weeks post c-section without my partner with me 24/7. And that was after a textbook and very straightforward c-section. It may be an idea to get some help for a couple of weeks/month while you recover from the initial surgery.

Why on earth do you consider this self centered selfish person a friend? You're better off without her.

FFS just tell her no. What is wrong with you you're a grown adult.

FFS read the whole thread before you look daft!

Seventeen pages in. You don't think this has been said numerous times and maybe things have moved on?

I wondered if she'd planned to live rent free with you for a while... When I read her reply, I wonder even more. She could've moved in with you for at least two months (in the world of CF) and now she has nowhere to go... I wouldn't be surprised if she was being evicted for non-payment of rent or planning a flit. I think you've saved yourself from something much bigger.

I hope your pregnancy manages to get as far along as possible and with as few complications as possible.

You have to admire the unshakeable self-belief that someone has, when they see a thread with over 400 posts on it and decide to wade straight in with their two penn'th, unbothered by the fact that they haven't read any of the OP's updates....

I agree totally with this. She is not doing this for you at all. This was an self serving excuse for her and her kid to come over for all expenses paid, free board and lodgings holiday or refuge. Can you imagine them getting there and her landing that on you and you can't get rid of them...she sounds like a CF of the highest order!

@SaponificationQueen
OMG😱
How awful for you 😬😬😬
I hope you're ok now and have made a full recovery 🙏

I can quite understand your reasons for not wanting this arrangement. There is significant expense involved, and having a young child in your home at this time is not, I think, a good idea.

There are several good letters here. If she is a real friend, she will understand. If not, she is no loss to you. Be firm.

You have had a stressful time by all accounts and deserve peace and privacy. I wish you all the best. Good luck.

Having read some of the very snippy comments re posters not reading the whole thread, I realise now that the OP has already told her friend not to come. Sorry, but this request for advice was only posted on 4 May so I thought it reasonable to assume that the issue was still ongoing.

It is quite easy to look for the OP's updates without having to wade through the whole thread though

Here's how you can see all the OP's posts so you can read those before replying

In the web version, click on 'see all' at the bottom of the OP's first post. In the app, click on the funnel icon on the top right.

See screenshots below.

Thank you.

Sounds like she’s looking for a holiday at your expense. I’d block her until you feel ready to communicate again she is being really pushy

Thanks for your kind words!

I had several friends step up and help, plus some professional help that was set up in advance. I’m no longer using a walker, and rarely need a cane. I’m in pretty good shape for 1 mo post surgery.

The thing is, it’s not out of character for her to behave like she did, so I was ready for that to happen. Not the vet bill, but her crapping out on what she insisted on doing because she’s my sister. :-)

Wow! If they ever decide to add CF to the dictionary, there are going to be many people vying for the spot where the image goes in it.

Happy to hear you are doing so well. Thankfully, you had real help and not the kind of "help" your NVDS offered. Can we also assume that your Dane is doing well now too?

“Wow! If they ever decide to add CF to the dictionary, there are going to be many people vying for the spot where the image goes in it.

Happy to hear you are doing so well. Thankfully, you had real help and not the kind of "help" your NVDS offered. Can we also assume that your Dane is doing well

@Nanaof1 Thanks for asking after my Dane. Yes, he is fine. I’ve never seen him pass the plastic container, but he doesn’t have a blockage, so he must have. You know, she never even bothered to find out how he was either. 🙄

Well done OP! To be honest if it’s the end of the friendship from the outside I wouldn’t lose much sleep about it.

I would be glad to see the back of someone like this. She was clearly hoping to stay, possibly forever.

Very late to the thread but wanted to share my own experiences as they were in some ways similar (single mother, caesarian at 33 weeks):

As a preemie your baby will surely be in NICU, and as long as you/they are in hospital, your baby will be looked after in the hospital (obviously with you doing as much as you can). This is a massive help as you're not going home immediately with sole responsibility for the baby. They also won't let the baby go home until you can care for them.

In any case a 7-year old would not have worked. You will probably strongly be advised to keep your baby away from other kids as preemies have a weak immune system.

I had my dad staying with me for about a month after giving birth (I live overseas so that was the only option). He mainly just cooked all the meals - he did a few daytime feeds (I was pumping) but mainly he just kept the house running. I would consider asking your mum to stay the first few days. As a new mum it's very reassuring just to have someone around just to help you feel confident with all the new tasks, and also to look after you, someone to talk to and so on. Tbh that was the thing I needed most :)

Agree about driving, it didn't take me 6 weeks. But it really depends on the person. The only thing that took 6+ weeks was carrying shopping etc.

And - you've got this!