DP didn't come back

[ohfacksake]

I may be BU and I may not, I don't know, but I'm so pissed off.

DP and I are going away for the night tomorrow. We have an early start and had planned to use today to get packed and sorted so we can head out straight away in the morning.

DP needed to go to his DM's to collect a few things, and left at 10am. Said he was going to be back at 5 and then had "missed" the bus. So then he asked if he should stay at his DM's and I collect him after DC's (not his) swimming lessons, and I said no I'd rather him get the 5.30 bus so he can start with the packing and I can help finish when I got back from swimming lessons. I told him I didn't want to spend all evening doing it because I wanted to relax and get an early night ready for a long day tomorrow. He then decided he needed to see a friend so he was going to meet me at the DC's swimming lessons.

I told him he's taking the piss and that we had planned to get things done together. He's saying it is what it is. I've said I'm not doing it when I get back from swimming as I'm not stressing about that and getting the DCs into bed.

Went to swimming lessons, he didn't meet me there, I had to go and pick him up elsewhere.

We get home and have had a row because he doesn't know what he's doing with packing and sorting everything else out for tomorrow. I say he should've thought about that before staying out (he has been drinking as well, wasn't just a catch up with a cuppa. And I've been working all day as WFH and have been in meetings).

So now I've stormed out and said let's see how he likes it if I fuck off for hours on end and expect him to do everything - including putting DC to bed!

I don't think I have helped the situation by walking out, but why couldn't he have come back at a reasonable time so we could've sorted everything?

I haven't been diagnosed but I'm sure I have ADHD so struggle with some things and don't necessarily always think rationally. But I just can't calm down from feeling pissed off. I'm currently sat in my car half way down the road so he thinks I've gone out somewhere 🤦🏼‍♀️

Sorry for the long post!

I've just searched and at the end of November 2022, OP was posting about how hard it is to find the good guys and how she doesn't know if she'll ever find anyone to date again.

ohfacksake · 22/11/2022 13:24

I just feel so 'meh' about it all. What if it takes me another 3+ years to even find someone to date again, let alone be in a relationship with them! I know no one has any answers. It's just really disappointing and sad when your life hasn't turned out how you imagined it would.

So she has been in a relationship with this boyfriend for a MAXIMUM of five months. And she is leaving him, drunk, in sole charge of her young children - not even asking him if he is OK with it.

This isn't remotely OK parenting. This is putting your children at risk of all sorts of serious harm. And it's not fair on the boyfriend either.

If you're only going away for the night, you just pack a few things. Write a list and pack a bag. I'd do mine and the kids. The husband does his own. Not sure why you need him home to pack. I wouldn't have picked him up either, I'd expect him to catch the bus.

Putting aside the length of time OP wanted to pack, etc, the bottom line is -

She wanted to start packing a week before but he talked her out of it, saying they'd do it the day before

Then he went to his DM's and said he was going to be back at 5 but wasn't

Then he decided to see his mate and said he'd meet her at swimming, but he didn't. She then had to pick him up rather than him having got the bus as he said he would.

So he caused the last minute packing issue OP desperately wanted to avoid by persuading her to leave it to the day before, then letting her down.

In relationships, people need to be able to trust their partners to do what they say they're going to do. Being unreliable is a killer

@CandidaAlbicans2 probably because you can’t pack your kids lunch, school bags or your car up a week in advance anyway!

The DCs aren't coming with us so it's packing their stuff for their dad's, getting school bags ready, packed lunches ready. The cat is staying out so I need to sort his stuff out for his sleepover.

Talking about people ignoring stuff the OP has said. Everyone is saying that he is not responsible for helping her with the children because they are not his kids but the big difference is he offered to help OP. He told her he would be back from his mother's at 5 to help instead he decided to disregard the plans he made to help and go out with a friend. He could of easily said to his friend sorry can't stop to have a chat right now need to get back to help the partner. She wanted to do it herself earlier on in the week so she is not expecting help off of him but he told her to wait so that he could help her do it. People saying she should of just done it anyways, she probably wanted to have trust in her partner that they would stick to their word of helping her. Doesn't matter how long any of it would of taken, if you promise to help someone then suddenly change your mind last minute on the day your meant to be helping them that is rude. Especially when it wasnt anything urgent getting in the way of him helping.

I don't think you're being unreasonable OP. You probably have ADHD. Your partner knows you probably have ADHD and that you find sequencing the tasks needed to pack difficult. Knowing this about you, he left you in the lurch.

However easy other people find packing, you don't. So, your partner should have tried to make things easier, not harder, for you.

After 5 months, if that’s the case, and not living together, he’s a short term boyfriend, not remotely a partner who should be left doing bedtime after being out boozing.

Nothing else makes that okay. She presumably managed her own kids packed lunches and how to care for her cat before she started dating him.

The responses seem to be going the way they are because she mentioned possible ADHD, which is interesting given how quickly posters usually are to lampoon a woman introducing a new boyfriend so quickly never mind leaving her kids with him alone to do bloody bedtime.

The responses seem to be going the way they are because she mentioned possible ADHD, which is interesting given how quickly posters usually are to lampoon a woman introducing a new boyfriend so quickly never mind leaving her kids with him alone to do bloody bedtime.

Good point.

So the OP is going away with her boyfriend, who doesn't live with her, isn't the father of her children, yet is pissed off at having to sort HER children out to go away, and sort HER home, and HER packing?

He may be flaky but all of these things are yours to sort out.

Walking out of your home and on your children, leaving your children with a boyfriend who isn't their father or lives in their home, to somehow punish HIM???

What am I missing here?

He doesn't live with you.
They are NOT his children.
Putting them to bed is NOT his responsibility.

Awful behaviour IMO.

Completely agree.

He should be running for the hills.

5 months in boyfriend and you walk out on your children to punish him🙄.

Your poor children.

They are not the responsibility of your boyfriend.

Unbelievable.

@ohfacksake just to say I have suspected ADHD as well and HATE packing, all the thinking and over thinking about what required. I put it off and put it off till the last minute then that makes it worse.

next time - give yourself extra time to pack and be clear to your dp that you need help with it, even if he's just sitting on the bed whilst you pack.

it's a horrid feeling so hugs.

I have adhd and it isn’t that packing for one night only takes 10 minutes or you should plan more it is the fact that the plan for bf to come back at a certain time and he didn’t means you get stuck. Nothing can get done until bf has got back has happened. Your brain won’t move on

Your brain can’t think of the next thing till the bf has returned. It’s like if you have a 2pm appointment, you have to be somewhere for 2pm but because you know you will forget all about it you sit there stuck waiting for the time to leave for the appointment.

Can I ask a question? Was it because your partner said to do the packing together, but left it til the last minute, and then wanted your help with his packing? In spite of the fact you had been sorting everything else? Your packing, kids and cat etc? Was is that, that sent you over the edge?

Did you feel that he needed your input to get his packing right? Has he been know for forgetting things?

My ex husband used to regularly be away for work. But he also regularly forgot things (once it was his wallet, others times no underpants or T-shirts in a hot county, left his luggage in a taxi in Asia, his iPad on a plane). I always was the one who had to sort these things out for him. So when we went on holiday together I felt impelled to make sure he sorted his shit. But he was a last minute man.

Eventually, I had to leave him to it. I sorted my stuff and the family stuff in plenty of time, made my own lists, did my stuff early. He was only responsible for him and also responsible for his own fallout. We once had to go back home on the way to the airport because he didn’t have his passport. I even got to the stage I would have got on the plane without him.

So to save yourself 10 years or more of stress - He’s an adult, let him be an adult and he can learn the consequences of not adulting.

Haven't RTFT but am quietly cackling to myself at the posters who declare that packing for one night is no big deal. Not everyone feels this way.

I have to start writing a list several days ahead just to feel relatively calm and in control. Then control rapidly goes out the window. I lose the list, ignore the list, forget to mark things off the list. Any or all of these can occur. I empty my bag and repack it multiple times, rummaging around for things I've marked off as packed, but find I haven't. My brain genuinely goes into meltdown and I am gripped with anxiety at the idea of forgetting something. It is so hard to explain to people who don't feel this way and who just think you're being dramatic or stupid or lazy or immature. My whole life becomes about packing a bag. I have no capacity to concentrate on much else. It really is that bad!!

For someone with adhd that is a monumental set of tasks and writing a list is quite frankly laughable.

I use the packing suitcase scenario we trying to explain ADHD

Think about your brain as having 2 rooms side by side with doors connecting the rooms.
In one room you have people. The other room is empty. Each person is an idea, thought, memory you have ever had.

You shout out to the room with the people in that you need the people who represent all the stages of packing a suitcase.
For a NT person those people come through to the empty room, line up in order of how you pack a suitcase and you work through each thought process

For someone with ADHD both rooms are full all of the time. You make a shout out that you need to pack a suitcase and everyone runs around. Some of those people really do know how to pack a suitcase but they don’t know where they should stand and Another One Bites The Dust is playing so they decide to have a dance and the other thought processes needed get stuck in the door with those people who are memories of when you went horse riding once or they are already in the room they need to be in but the waiting for bf to come back thought processes are taking up the space they should be standing in so they get bored and wander off.

It is exhausting having to think and recall anything with so much noise going on in your head.

So it might only be 10 minutes to
pack a suitcase if you have everything to hand and can think logically but hours for someone with ADHD.
As for leaving her children, sometimes you just have to remove yourself to calm yourself otherwise there is so much in your brain that is shouting to be heard and adding more and more to it feels like your head is about to explode

Where does it say he wants op to do his packing. They are at her house where he doesn't live, so more likely that its her and her kids stuff he doesn't know what to do with. But yes, despite only being together 5 months he should of course be responsible for 0p and her dc and he just needs to recognise ITS ALL HIS FAULT and op can be absolved of everything. Absolutely peak MN.

Absolute peak MN is them ignoring everything that has happened in the situation clearly.

There are an awful lot of MN posters who will automatically assume the man is in the wrong even though they have to jump through many hoops to justify this.

In this case, it sounds like DP was a bit flaky around communication and it was annoying to have to give him a lift but nothing that justified the subsequent fall out.

If OP was taking DC out to swimming lessons after work, I'm not sure when the packing was expected to start and what she expected DP to be able to do without her input anyway. I doubt he knows what the children take to their dad's (because he doesn't live there and they are not his children; not because he's a useless man) or where it would be if he could make a guess that they might need something like a change of clothes and PJs (because he doesn't live there and they are not his children, not because he's a useless man).

I have adhd and would have reacted exactly the same way as you. I need someone else to help me manage things like this even if its just sorting stuff for one night. Yes you probably overreacted but dont listen to all the people who are telling you youre being crazy to stress over packing for one night away. Thats them and their privilege talking - oh to have a working executive function!

However, dp has also been a thoughtless dick and has been unsupportive

Fwiw I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. He said he would be back to share the responsibility of packing and he wasn't. He knew he needed to be, but he prioritised other things which had a negative impact on you, but not on him.
Also, you shouldn't be making packed lunches for your DC if they're in their dads care, that's his job.
It sounds like your picking up the slack for both your DC father and your partner.

This^ when my sister and myself were young kids my mum did this but she fucked off for the entire weekend and me and my sister were inconsolable and for a long time blamed ourselves. And my dad had literally done nothing wrong my mum was and is just very overdramatic please go back for your kids sake don't mess their little heads up like my mum did with myself and my sister.

Just how long does it take to make two rounds of sandwiches and bung some fruit, a protein bar/crisps and a drink into lunch boxes? I'd say 15 minutes on a go slow day.
School bags likewise.
It's easy to fall back on a diagnosis nowadays. Some people are just disorganised and you might be one of them. Everything doesn't need a diagnosis to be the excuse.
Write a list which you tick off.
Leave your DP to get himself organised and if he forgets things, that's his fault and you don't need to compensate for his lack of forward thinking.
The lunch boxes could be made the night before and put in the fridge.
You're making a mountain out of a molehill.

Leave your DP to get himself organised and if he forgets things, that's his fault and you don't need to compensate for his lack of forward thinking.

The whole point of the thread is that OP needed her DP to help her organise herself!! I suspect he's quite capable of organising himself.

@Sissynova you've missed the point I was making. Putting aside her reasons and the impracticalities of packing in advance, he said he'd do XYZ (help her pack/get the bus/meet her at swimming) then didn't. He's unreliable, which IMHO is a massive problem in relationships.

I don’t agree. It comes across that he was perfectly happy to help OP in the evening. She was working and in meetings all day anyway apparently so he may as well have been at his mums.
OP wanted him to go and do her children’s packing by himself, that is the unreasonable request Imo. He said he didn’t know what to pack and this is when OP blew up and stormed out.
I said no I'd rather him get the 5.30 bus so he can start with the packing and I can help finish when I got back from swimming lessons.
Why would a 5 month bf go to her house and start packing for her kids to stay with their dad?? It’s bizarre.
The partner and OP were back in OPs at the same time as OP picked him up. They could have just packed together then.