DP didn't come back

[ohfacksake]

I may be BU and I may not, I don't know, but I'm so pissed off.

DP and I are going away for the night tomorrow. We have an early start and had planned to use today to get packed and sorted so we can head out straight away in the morning.

DP needed to go to his DM's to collect a few things, and left at 10am. Said he was going to be back at 5 and then had "missed" the bus. So then he asked if he should stay at his DM's and I collect him after DC's (not his) swimming lessons, and I said no I'd rather him get the 5.30 bus so he can start with the packing and I can help finish when I got back from swimming lessons. I told him I didn't want to spend all evening doing it because I wanted to relax and get an early night ready for a long day tomorrow. He then decided he needed to see a friend so he was going to meet me at the DC's swimming lessons.

I told him he's taking the piss and that we had planned to get things done together. He's saying it is what it is. I've said I'm not doing it when I get back from swimming as I'm not stressing about that and getting the DCs into bed.

Went to swimming lessons, he didn't meet me there, I had to go and pick him up elsewhere.

We get home and have had a row because he doesn't know what he's doing with packing and sorting everything else out for tomorrow. I say he should've thought about that before staying out (he has been drinking as well, wasn't just a catch up with a cuppa. And I've been working all day as WFH and have been in meetings).

So now I've stormed out and said let's see how he likes it if I fuck off for hours on end and expect him to do everything - including putting DC to bed!

I don't think I have helped the situation by walking out, but why couldn't he have come back at a reasonable time so we could've sorted everything?

I haven't been diagnosed but I'm sure I have ADHD so struggle with some things and don't necessarily always think rationally. But I just can't calm down from feeling pissed off. I'm currently sat in my car half way down the road so he thinks I've gone out somewhere 🤦🏼‍♀️

Sorry for the long post!

Sorry, my reply was to an OP who was saying they aren't his kids so he shouldn't have to pack for them. But there were several posters saying that.

It doesn't really matter what these posters think this guy should be doing or not. The fact of the matter is that he said he would and then didn't. He doesn't get to go back on his word just because he's not the kid's dad. He's in a relationship with her and knows she has kids and proposed they do all of this together. I feel like some of these posters have really low standards for men/partners.

Ugh, PP not OP. Apparently I can't type tonight and my brain is too tired so I'm logging off. 🤣

OP I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. He’s dossed around going to his mums and for a drink and expected you to ferry him about. He could of packed a bag whilst you tended to kids and done all the other household tasks, slept well and had a nice day tomorrow. I completely get it.

For one night you should be able to pack in ten minutes.

bathroom needs and medications
sun hats, coats, any extra footwear if you need.
bathers, towells, sunscreen if need
underwear and pyjamas
change of clothes
maps or tickets or gift or anything to do specifically with the journey.
extra childrens needs ie portacot, nappies, babyfood.
phone, keys, money

Making the list a few days in advance and ensuring that the clothes you wish to pack are dry makes the packing easier.

He’s not really on your team here; why did it take him all day to go to his mums and back? He could have come home earlier to help you sort stuff out. Anyway hope you have a nice night away

Why does getting a diagnosis need to be the point at which you start learning to deal with it? To an extent a diagnosis doesn't matter, you know your brain and your reactions so you can start learning now. There is so much information out there to support and it sounds like you have ideas what will help you to manage better. You don't need a diagnosis to give you permission to learn to put plans and structure in place which help you to function better. You acknowledge that it is an issue that impacts on you and others but diagnosis can be complex and take time, you don't have to wait. Good luck and I hope that you have a good night away.

Absolutely!! Any other thread with a woman who didn't live with her partner with a sniff of expectation she do 'wife work' for his dc there'd be howls of ltb. But here, the op strops off leaving him to put her dc to bed and he's STILL in the wrong!

Well he doesn’t live there and op was working during the day so why would/should he be there. Doesn’t sound like anything needed sorting before swimming lessons anyway.

Honestly this is even weirder because you don’t live together, no idea why you’re expecting him to do your kids bags or packed lunches anyway!
You do their school stuff every day anyway and presumably a bag when they stay with their father? Literally all that’s additional is packing one day of your own stuff.
BF packs one day of his own stuff from his own home.

It takes me hours and hours to pack lol. Its a massive ordeal in our house - well to me anyway and hangs over my head as the time gets nearer. Interesting I am currently being assessed for Adhd. I hadn't made the link before but it now makes sense.

You're making a massive drama about nothing! Packing for 1 overnight takes no time at all - I don't understand why you couldn't have packed for you & your child & just let him sort himself out if he was being a dick about it?

As for storming out & expecting him to put YOUR child to bed - especially after he's been drinking - how is that helping the situation? Ridiculous.

If you don’t live together and their not your children or cat then they’re your responsibility to get ready. You were working all day, were your expecting him to sort out your stuff all fay while you worked?

But they are your kids, not his. Why the hell have both your posts involved you expecting him to put them to bed, pack their bags?!? You really are beyond overdramatic. In the time you've spent on here you could have packed up half the country!

You sound very needy op can't believe so much drama over packing. If you know you get this stressed then perhaps pack a week before you go.

THIS!

Until I learned more about how to handle my ADHD I would spend an entire day trying to pack for the kids and me for a short trip. I'd be stressed and frozen part of the day and running about like a mad thing the rest of the day.

I feel for you OP, sure you handled it badly but he has gone back on all the arrangements.

I think you're over reacting.
Get over it and go and have fun.

Ah yes OP, this sounds like just the regular hating of anyone who isn't struggling to afford food and heating on mumsnet.

You aren't being unreasonable and your bf is selfish.

I get it!

Hope you have a nice time away

I would also have been very mad at his broken promise of not coming back at a certain time, ADHD or no ADHD. And then he drives you crazy with phonecalls “I’ll meet you here” “I’ll meet you there”. No way I wouldn’t have been mad.

I can see both sides of this tbh.

I do think people make a really unnecessary drama out of packing to go away and I think it's a bit controlling and weird to punish him over this. It really doesn't need to take a whole day or evening an hour. For a trip like this it's a case of flinging a few sets of undies, t-shirts and a toothbrush and phone charger in a bag and job done.

But I don't think this is really about the packing, is it? This is about you feeling taken for granted and that he's taking the piss a bit and left you to do everything and him passive aggressively leaving this to you do deal with. And I do have sympathy on this front. He could have shown willing by not going to his mates and not having a drink.

It sounds as if you need to sit down when you've both calmed down and say sorry for overdoing it but you would have appreciated it if he could have been mindful of the fact you were doing everything.

This is about you feeling taken for granted and that he's taking the piss a bit and left you to do everything and him passive aggressively leaving this to you do deal with. And I do have sympathy on this front. He could have shown willing by not going to his mates and not having a drink.

But they aren’t his kids and he doesn’t even live there!

I think this is more to do with OP feeling overwhelmed (rightly or wrongly) with what needed to be done, than anything that her DP did. Because taking out the long story all he actually did was arrive a bit later than planned (but still in plenty of time) to help with packing, having had a drink (and probably a single drink if OP was happy to leave him with her DC).

OP - Do lists help you? It strikes me that packing for your DC to go to their dad's must be a regular occurrence, and tbh the children can probably manage that themselves if they are old enough for swimming lessons (possibly with you checking if they are younger school age).
Then you write yourself a list of what you need to pack to go away and work down it. And it will be pretty much the same every time you go away (with minor tweaks) so you have it for next time.

This sounds like a case of you deciding things must be done in a certain way and being entirely unable to cope with a (fairly minor) change to the plan.

And why on early shouldn't a single person with nothing to do other than help their partner pack in the evening spend their day off how they want?

I don't think that ADHD, diagnosed or otherwise, makes it OK to leave your young children with your boyfriend, who isn't their dad, who's been drinking an unspecified amount, and who you've just kicked off and had a big row with.

I have RTFT and am aware that the OP came back and that it was OK. But that doesn't mean it was OK to do it in the first place.

This keeps on being ignored, and fact op stropped off and left him to do bedtime because he hadn't packed for her/her kids/her cat!