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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP didn't come back

186 replies

ohfacksake · 03/05/2023 20:48

I may be BU and I may not, I don't know, but I'm so pissed off.

DP and I are going away for the night tomorrow. We have an early start and had planned to use today to get packed and sorted so we can head out straight away in the morning.

DP needed to go to his DM's to collect a few things, and left at 10am. Said he was going to be back at 5 and then had "missed" the bus. So then he asked if he should stay at his DM's and I collect him after DC's (not his) swimming lessons, and I said no I'd rather him get the 5.30 bus so he can start with the packing and I can help finish when I got back from swimming lessons. I told him I didn't want to spend all evening doing it because I wanted to relax and get an early night ready for a long day tomorrow. He then decided he needed to see a friend so he was going to meet me at the DC's swimming lessons.

I told him he's taking the piss and that we had planned to get things done together. He's saying it is what it is. I've said I'm not doing it when I get back from swimming as I'm not stressing about that and getting the DCs into bed.

Went to swimming lessons, he didn't meet me there, I had to go and pick him up elsewhere.

We get home and have had a row because he doesn't know what he's doing with packing and sorting everything else out for tomorrow. I say he should've thought about that before staying out (he has been drinking as well, wasn't just a catch up with a cuppa. And I've been working all day as WFH and have been in meetings).

So now I've stormed out and said let's see how he likes it if I fuck off for hours on end and expect him to do everything - including putting DC to bed!

I don't think I have helped the situation by walking out, but why couldn't he have come back at a reasonable time so we could've sorted everything?

I haven't been diagnosed but I'm sure I have ADHD so struggle with some things and don't necessarily always think rationally. But I just can't calm down from feeling pissed off. I'm currently sat in my car half way down the road so he thinks I've gone out somewhere 🤦🏼‍♀️

Sorry for the long post!

OP posts:

ShippingForecastMeditator · 03/05/2023 23:59

Do people enjoy this level of drama? I blame Eastenders.

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/05/2023 00:05

ohfacksake · 03/05/2023 22:16

@Erex you have hit the nail on the head and thank you for understanding.

I do realise I need to apologise. I need to start the process for a diagnosis as I think I'll then learn to deal with these feelings and outbursts! DP thinks I'm just trying to label myself and that everyone feels/thinks/reacts hoe I do, but I know my brain is different.

Again, thank you, I really appreciate it.

Why do you need to apologise? He didn’t fulfil his side of the bargain and had been drinking so it was left to you. What you do need to do is talk about what happened.

I get terribly stressed about packing and have a husband, who is clueless about it all so I totally get where you’re coming from.

SarahDippity · 04/05/2023 00:07

I knew from page 1 where posters were saying ‘what’s the problem, just pack for you 🤷🏼‍♀️’ that the prospect of the mental load of sorting out the kids, house, cat 🐱, was overwhelming you. But also - it’s the feeling of being let down and left alone to persuade the other person to just be home so things can run smoothly. Personally, I wouldn’t be apologetic, I’d be saying ‘for both of us to be relaxed and happy going away, just stick to the plan.’

creamcushion · 04/05/2023 00:16

I have ADHD OP and this thread has made me feel seen! As @SarahDippity has kind of said, I plan my days and tasks and emotional energy around what other people tell me what they're going to do, and when they're going to do it. If this deviates I find it really difficult to re-align myself and my mentality, and it really throws me off. So in that regard I don't think you're BU, I would have thrown a similar wobbler in this situation.

Your DP sounds like a bit of an arse, it's not difficult for him to do his bit while you're prepping to go away.

Viviennemary · 04/05/2023 00:21

You both sound a bit ridiculous. Why didnt you just skip the swimming lesson if you are short of time. Better than all this silly tantrumming.

MrsMiddleMother · 04/05/2023 00:23

I'm glad to see you calmed down op but you were being unreasonable. They're your kids not his so you have to pack their stuff and sort them out, it's your cat so you do the same. You say you don't live together to you need to pack your own stuff. I get the outburst, I too am waiting for an adhd diagnosis but they're your responsibilities you were pushing on to him.

quietnightmare · 04/05/2023 00:24

If you struggle with this next time pack the week/few days before or back gradually over the week before

MeinKraft · 04/05/2023 00:28

You were being a bit OTT but you know, at least he knows he can't walk over you!

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 04/05/2023 00:30

There are some nutjobs on this thread. Of course YANBU. He should have been there to do his share.

I would find it difficult to be in a relationship with someone that obtuse. tbh.

ChannelyourinnerElsa · 04/05/2023 00:34

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 04/05/2023 00:30

There are some nutjobs on this thread. Of course YANBU. He should have been there to do his share.

I would find it difficult to be in a relationship with someone that obtuse. tbh.

Is it “his share” to pack for her kids and her cat? And to sort the jobs in her home before they go?

jm not sure. Since they don’t live together and these aren’t his kids, I don’t think I feel it is his responsibility to pack for them.

MattTebbuttsDenimShirt · 04/05/2023 00:51

You've left him to put your children to bed?

That's a YABU

Blossomtoes · 04/05/2023 01:12

Withnailandeye · 03/05/2023 20:52

You are going for one night, what could possibly be that stressful about packing for a night? YABU but your DH also sounds like a bit of a dosser.

This. It would take me all of ten minutes to pack for one night away.

Theredfoxfliesatmidnight · 04/05/2023 01:26

For people posting - it's not his house (they live separately), not his cat, and not his children!! Just to add some perspective. The OPS (self diagnosed) ADHD must be very hard to live with for her, but also not his fault. Give the man a break

justanothermagicmonday · 04/05/2023 01:37

Completely get the ADHD and struggle to pack, and he was definitely an arse… but no matter how stressed you are you can’t leave your BF who doesn’t live with you to put your kids to bed! How long have you been together?

That aside his packing and sorting probably only took 10 minutes because he shouldn’t be sorting your kids, your cat, your chores… stressful I know but unfortunately that all falls to you. He should’ve absolutely stuck to his word about when he would be back though. Have a good night away x

LadyJ2023 · 04/05/2023 01:39

All that drama for one night lol...wow we have 4 kids and between us can pack for all for 2 weeks in an hour and no drama..Cant wait till first holiday this year on Friday same as always hubby and I set alarms for 6.30 enjoy a coffee then pack everything up and into car then kids get up about 8ish give or take have a chilled brekkie then off we go..same routine everytime 😀

EllandRd · 04/05/2023 02:13

Wow overreacting much? It's one night, what is so stressful and hard about that?

EllandRd · 04/05/2023 02:19

ohfacksake · 03/05/2023 21:54

Thanks for your replies.

Totally agree I didn't handle it the best by storming out. But it isn't just packing a bag. The DCs aren't coming with us so it's packing their stuff for their dad's, getting school bags ready, packed lunches ready. The cat is staying out so I need to sort his stuff out for his sleepover. Plus there's other little bits that just need to be done so they're not there when I get back.

He wasn't/isn't wasted. But yeah, I really should have just stormed to the bedroom rather than go out.

It's just the fact that it doesn't matter when it's all left to me, but it can't possibly be left for him. Totally get I haven't been an angel but there was no need for him to be out for hours on end knowing we had stuff to do.

I really struggle to multi task and get big tasks done by myself. I'd prefer to have started this earlier in the week but he said to leave it until the day before as well both do it together.

They are your children OP, stop being so bloody dramatic. You sound very unreasonable and controlling. Pull yourself together.

Attractedtotheofflimits · 04/05/2023 02:43

He left at 10am to collect a few things from his DM's. And Said he be back by 5pm. Why did this take him the whole day?

rowanoak · 04/05/2023 03:01

Thank you for saying this. Both my husband and I have ADHD and it takes us forever to pack anything, even if it's just for one night or even a day trip. And we have four kids. So packing takes us a whole day often.

We usually do it together but sometimes if he's changing the oil on the car or buying snacks or diapers etc - out and about doing other things to prepare for our trip, or working or taking care of the kids, I do mine and most of the kids and I try to put together his things as far as I can guess what he'd like to take. Then when he gets home he packs the rest and packs up the car.

It's a big ordeal for us even to go to the lake or just an amusement park or the pool. It takes forever and is very stressful. ADHD makes everything harder even with medication, meditation, exercise, good diet and fresh air, etc. I do all of that (I walk to my gym every day and take an hour long weightlifting or Zumba class as well as walls, jogs, bike rides etc) and my brain is still not wired right when it comes to organization and preparations and everything like that is so difficult.

So, if my husband went and had fun drinking carelessly and left me to do all of that work myself I would be livid. He would not be my husband for much longer if he tried to pull that again so he'd be on very thin ice.

He would never do that to me though. He is a loving supportive partner who understands my struggles (probably because he has similar ones) and does what he can to support and help me. As I do the same for him. We are a team and we each take care of things for our family and trips and excursions/activities, even though or perhaps because we both have difficulty when it comes to that sort of thing.

We are in it together and share responsibility equally and if he did to me, well, I wouldn't even recognize that man. It's just not like him at all. Not sure if OP's husband is usually like this or if it was a one off. I would probably be mad the first time and have a chat about it and let him know but if he kept doing it, well, that isn't a relationship I'd want to be in.

readbooksdrinktea · 04/05/2023 03:02

Packing for your kids and sorting out your cat is your responsibility, especially when you don't even live together.

rowanoak · 04/05/2023 03:06

ohfacksake · 03/05/2023 21:54

Thanks for your replies.

He wasn't/isn't wasted. But yeah, I really should have just stormed to the bedroom rather than go out.

I really struggle to multi task and get big tasks done by myself. I'd prefer to have started this earlier in the week but he said to leave it until the day before as well both do it together.

Since he said to leave it until the day before and that you'd both do it together, he reneged on the arrangement he himself proposed and you are NOT being unreasonable for being upset about that. It doesn't sound to me like he respects you. You deserve a partner who does.

Hairday · 04/05/2023 03:11

I would find all that stressful too, OP. I don't blame you for feeling frustrated. Its awful when people say one thing and then do another and so you don't know what's happening. It's as if you're at a completely different life stage to your partner.

Why is this ADHD? You have a million responsilities, and you're stressed. Don't listen to the naysayers on here. They probably have one child and a cleaner.

Hairday · 04/05/2023 03:11

I hope your night away goes well!

rowanoak · 04/05/2023 03:14

Hawkins003 · 03/05/2023 22:45

That's understandable, still cannot believe your partner behaviours, you sure it's not an affair ?

Show quote history

That's what I was thinking but I didn't want to say it so I'm glad you did first. Ha.

OP his whereabouts and excuses seem suspicious. I don't know that he's being entirely truthful about being at his mother's house most of that time.

If my husband had all these lame ass excuses for where he was when he had promised to pack with me before a trip then I would be just as mad if not angrier than you are. That's why I said he doesn't seem to respect you. Or else he would respect the fact that he told you he would help and he would have come home instead of doing the opposite. It's like he just totally blew you off without regard for your feelings. I would be livid.

rowanoak · 04/05/2023 03:19

Then he shouldn't have told her he would help her do it and that they would do it together the day before.

Why do you cut men so much slack? Should they not be held to the standard of keeping their own word just because it's not their kid, even though they're willingly in a relationship with someone who has kids and willingly offered/suggested doing this task together as they knew it was overwhelming for their partner?

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